In the “small world” dept. A friend was in the news because she was visiting Colorado and was evacuated by the National Guard. Nothing horrid (town was cut off), but they snapped her photo leaving the chopper.
One of the strangest feelings in the world is being at your most depressed when your life is actually at its best.
And it really underlines that depression isn’t caused by bad circumstances, or by bad things happening. It’s something going on in your brain area completely unrelated to the rest of the crap in your life.
I’ve been there. Everything was right, and I felt like I just couldn’t be happy about the things that should have made me happy.
I got through it mostly on my own, and afterwards I wished I’d told somebody, anybody, what was going on. When you can see it clearly, it’s completely different. With the fog of depression lifted, it all seems cut and dry.
Thanks everyone. I don’t know what I’d do if it weren’t for all of your support – I’m serious. I can see how it would make sense to call even when I’m not literally saying to myself that I want to end my life.
I guess another fear I have is that I won’t be understood – at least not easily. Now, I’m not saying that it’s impossible for anyone to understand my current situation or that I’m some kind of special snowflake, but it’s still complicated. I mean, there are a lot of things that make me feel suicidal when I think about them, and they’re connected in all sorts of ways.
I’m worried about taking too long to explain all of the various things that are making me feel miserable, especially since on the phone I can sometimes have a cold, analytic manner of speech that might make me sound like I’m not suffering from any kind of mental problem. What would be even worse is if the person on the other end thinks I’m trying to put myself on a pedestal and make myself sound like The Most Unfortunate Person Ever. As if I think I’m the only person in the world who has problems. Some people have told me that I’m a good communicator, but I don’t really believe that.
I’m sorry if I’m sounding totally ridiculous about my fears. Many people probably don’t obsess over the same things I do. I’m just worried – that’s all.
I just want to let you know that I’ve called a hotline in a similar frame of mind. I had suicidal thoughts but I knew I wasn’t going actually going to go through with anything. I told the person who answered my call that. They still stayed on the phone and listened to me and helped me. And it really did help me get through that night, and was a step out of that severe stage of my depression.
Shana is very sweet, and she wants Ally to feel comfortable about calling the hotline. As a rescue kitty, she knows everyone needs help some time.
thebionicmommy
11 years ago
I’m worried about taking too long to explain all of the various things that are making me feel miserable, especially since on the phone I can sometimes have a cold, analytic manner of speech that might make me sound like I’m not suffering from any kind of mental problem. What would be even worse is if the person on the other end thinks I’m trying to put myself on a pedestal and make myself sound like The Most Unfortunate Person Ever. As if I think I’m the only person in the world who has problems. Some people have told me that I’m a good communicator, but I don’t really believe that.
Ally, you have a great way of articulating some really complex things here, and that’s quite a gift. I completely understand what you’re saying here, because I am oftentimes the same way. It’s like if you act stoic, then people might assume you are cold, but if you express your feelings and fears more completely, then they’ll think you’re “too emotional”. My way is usually by making light of everything, but that can be misinterpreted as being insensitive.
And never feel guilt about sounding like the “most unfortunate person ever”. I like how Howard Bannister describe this kind of thought as “jerk brain”. I like that, because it’s so true. Anytime jerk brain acts up, try to imagine if someone else was telling you the things you want to say. Would you ever tell them to “stop whining” or call them a “special snowflake”? No way, you would give them love and support. But it’s hard to apply that same standard to ourselves, isn’t it? It’s hard to show our own selves the same love and patience we show others, because we’re afraid that’s selfish. But it’s not, caring about ourselves is a selfless act, really, because it allows us to be well and be there for others, too.
And always, if you have the slightest inkling to call the hotline, do call the hotline. That’s what they are there for. I’ve called numbers just to talk out some worries, and they’d rather someone call early rather than in a crisis.
And these are jerkbrain thoughts to fight.
1. I am a burden if I “bother” people with my problems.
2. Other people have it worse, so I’m not allowed to hurt.
3. People get annoyed when I ask for help.
When these thoughts come up, tell them Kendra says to stop, take those thoughts, throw them in the trash, and talk to yourself the same way you’d talk to a loved one.
Marie
11 years ago
@Ally
What would be even worse is if the person on the other end thinks I’m trying to put myself on a pedestal and make myself sound like The Most Unfortunate Person Ever.
I don’t think they’ll think you sound like that. They’re there to help.
Anytime jerk brain acts up, try to imagine if someone else was telling you the things you want to say. Would you ever tell them to “stop whining” or call them a “special snowflake”? No way, you would give them love and support. But it’s hard to apply that same standard to ourselves, isn’t it? It’s hard to show our own selves the same love and patience we show others, because we’re afraid that’s selfish. But it’s not, caring about ourselves is a selfless act, really, because it allows us to be well and be there for others, too.
And EEEESHANA! Last time I saw her she looked like this!
thebionicmommy
11 years ago
And I hate to mention this, but I kind of want some advice, too, so here goes. My mom found out she has end stage renal disease and her nephrologist scheduled her to start dialysis. She will also assign mom with a social worker, because dad is in bad health himself due to a major stroke he had when he was in his 40’s. I’m going to beg them to move to Joplin, so it’d be easier for me to help them but who knows if they will. (they are stubborn and say they’d rather be in a nursing home than ask for their kids to take care of them)
At this time, we don’t yet know if mom is a candidate for a kidney transplant, due to her health problems and due to her being in her 60’s. On the list for cadaver organs, children and young people come first, due to them having their entire lives ahead of them. All of us are completely in favor of that rule, too. Mom would never accept an organ at the expense of a teenager.
However, people that know someone in need of a kidney are allowed to be living donors. The doctors take one kidney from a young, healthy person and put it into the body of a sick, elderly person. I am totally in favor of giving her my kidney, but my mom and husband are against it. They both say it’s not worth risking my life, because it’s immoral to take such a gamble when our children are still young and need a mom. I understand that completely, but I also think it’s immoral to have two kidneys at my own mother’s funeral. She has always been there for me growing up, and I want to help her now. But she says this is the natural way for people to get old and die, and young people have to keep on their own lives.
It would be a challenge to convince my mom to use my kidney, and it’s not legal or ethical to force her to take it. And at this point, I don’t know if a doctor would agree to do the surgery, or even if I’d be a match on blood and tissue types. We do know Medicare covers transplants, but that I would lose my own insurance due to having one kidney after. And because I have kidney scarring from a past case of pyelonephritis, I’m unsure if I’d pass the urinary exam. But if I was a viable candidate, I think it’s the right thing, but noone else does.
I know I’m rambling. But I at least feel better letting it out to people not in the family, and not involved.
Marie
11 years ago
@thebionicmommy
That sucks 🙁 hugs for you and your mom if wanted. Sadly I don’t have any advice though 🙁
I mean, it does make sense to offer it to her, though it sounds like she really doesn’t want it for some reason. Maybe you could see if you can get the tests done to see if you’d be a viable match and donor? that way if you aren’t, it stops being an issue (though then you’ve got the problem of no good kidneys for her) and if you are, you can tell her you’d be happy to do it if she changes her mind? Idk.
Though I should point out that I don’t know how dangerous kidney donations are. You saying your mom and husband are against it b/c they think it’d be risking your life makes me thing either it’s dangerous or they think it is? Or are they just being overtly cautious.
Also, some people have a hard time accepting something from a family member. Like, my sister gave me huge amounts of money for a wheelchair, and I had to keep rechecking as in “you’re SURE you want to do this?” because of how much of a sacrifice it was. With something as huge as an organ, that feeling might be amped up to extreme.
So, um TL;DR I don’t have any good advice. I agree it makes sense to offer her your kidney from what I read, but I don’t really know much about kidney donation and how easy it is to live with only one, either.
I know at least three people – my dad, my brother, and my step-dad – who get very impatient and annoyed when I try explaining things to them. They usually think I’m either too defensive or too verbose. That’s also why I’m worried about taking too long to explain everything.
Anytime jerk brain acts up, try to imagine if someone else was telling you the things you want to say. Would you ever tell them to “stop whining” or call them a “special snowflake”? No way, you would give them love and support. But it’s hard to apply that same standard to ourselves, isn’t it? It’s hard to show our own selves the same love and patience we show others, because we’re afraid that’s selfish. But it’s not, caring about ourselves is a selfless act, really, because it allows us to be well and be there for others, too.
I think this is a great suggestion, but I’m worried about falling into a self-pitying mindset. I know there’s a difference between being nice to myself and having self-pity, but it seems like a blurry line to me. Nevertheless, I’ve followed this suggestion to some degree. For instance, whenever I start crying, I always tell myself that it’s okay to cry and that it’s okay if some people see me do so.
Anyway, I really appreciate talking to all of you about this – I feel much better. Now I’m leaning towards calling the hotline. I just need to find a time and place to do so.
Because of the Edmonton thing mentioned on this thread, I ventured over to A Voice for Men. I see they have re-hauled the layout of their site, and their tagline is now “Humanist Counter-Theory in the Age of Misandry” rather than “Masculist Theory in the Age of Misandry.” Um. Hmmm.
thebionicmommy
11 years ago
So, um TL;DR I don’t have any good advice. I agree it makes sense to offer her your kidney from what I read, but I don’t really know much about kidney donation and how easy it is to live with only one, either.
I have no idea either. I’m not a doctor. It’s hard to find information I trust online because it’s either biased from money of the transplant industry or the other way from the dialysis industry. Major hospitals like the mayo clinic and groups like the Kidney Foundation and UNOS all deal organs for a living, so they describe it as no big deal, like getting a haircut. But other groups, like living donor survivor groups say it is very risky and people that survive it end up sick, financially ruined, and at a moderate stage of kidney failure themselves.
I guess the best I can do to try to save her life is to wait and see if they start letting people test as viable donors, and then get tested. If I pass the test, I’ll make one final offer and let her come to me at any time to accept. I think I’m strong enough to do the surgery, but I need to be even stronger and learn to say goodbye to mom, too, if she makes that choice.
Of course I am not telling the kids about any of this, because I don’t want them to worry. They are little and need to focus on playing and fun, not dialysis, hospitals, and living wills. But if the time came to do the surgery, I would probably back out if my kids asked me to. The idea of scaring them is also unthinkable.
@Ally,
I think this is a great suggestion, but I’m worried about falling into a self-pitying mindset. I know there’s a difference between being nice to myself and having self-pity, but it seems like a blurry line to me.
I know what you mean. Once again, you are being harder on yourself than others. Would you accuse someone else in pain of having a “pity party”? Of course not, so don’t let the jerk brain say that to you either.
I’m glad you are going to call the hotline. Even if the other person on the other side of the call doesn’t have magic words to make your hurt disappear, it’s still reassuring to hear a friendly, supportive voice. I’m rooting for you, and I think you’re very brave. Sometimes I get nervous about calling something mundane like the dentists office, so I know that calling the hotline is very hard. But once you do, you’ll be glad you did.
And I’m also glad you came here. It’s better to get it off your chest, and know you’re not alone. *Hugs*
Ally – *extra hugs* Whenever you decide to call the hotline, just know that we’re rooting for you. I’ve found that in the darkest hour, someone in real life reassuring you that you’ll be okay, and being willing to listen to you is one of the best things in the world.
Don’t forget to set up the CAPS appointment though. Whenever you’re ready, of course.
Ally – your dad isn’t worth including in any examples of ordinary behaviour because he’s an abuser. Your brother has his influence/upbringing affecting him. Your stepdad, I don’t know. But shit, THREE people are being jerks to you, two at least because they haven’t any idea about what’s going on, I’d guess. How many just on this site have said 1) you communicate well and 2) don’t think you “take too long” and 3) like and respect you?
Anyway, all that aside: the people on hotline numbers are volunteers. They have chosen to do that work to help people in precisely your situation. They are there to listen. They’ve been trained. They’ve heard many, many stories (collectively, at least) from people in goodness knows how many situations. Probably quite a few of those people hesitated a long time about calling, too, and felt they weren’t in a serious enough situation, or their problems weren’t important/real/something anyone else would care about.
It’s all jerkbrain talking. In your case, it’s jerkbrain instilled by an abusive parental unit, so it’s doubly not worth listening to.
Ally – your dad isn’t worth including in any examples of ordinary behaviour because he’s an abuser. Your brother has his influence/upbringing affecting him. Your stepdad, I don’t know. But shit, THREE people are being jerks to you, two at least because they haven’t any idea about what’s going on, I’d guess. How many just on this site have said 1) you communicate well and 2) don’t think you “take too long” and 3) like and respect you?
They are only three people, but I’ve also had a lot of interaction with them IRL, so it’s easy for me to give their views of me more weight (although it’s much, much easier for me to agree with my brother and step-dad). In other words, they can get to me much easier than people I interact with less and/or only know online.
Anyway, all that aside: the people on hotline numbers are volunteers. They have chosen to do that work to help people in precisely your situation. They are there to listen. They’ve been trained. They’ve heard many, many stories (collectively, at least) from people in goodness knows how many situations. Probably quite a few of those people hesitated a long time about calling, too, and felt they weren’t in a serious enough situation, or their problems weren’t important/real/something anyone else would care about.
You make a good point. I guess I’m just being overly cynical in regards to these counselors. I’m always very afraid of judgment from others, no matter where I am.
It’s all jerkbrain talking. In your case, it’s jerkbrain instilled by an abusive parental unit, so it’s doubly not worth listening to.
Call the helpline.
It’s actually caused by more than my dad’s abuse. I also grew up with a very poor self-image that was caused by, among other things, bullying, social anxiety, and fat-shaming (I got slightly fat when I was 13). My father did indirectly contribute to my social anxiety and shame me for being slightly fat, though.
But yes, I’ll call the hotline. Thank you for writing all of that out for me. I really appreciate it.
Zombie Argenti Nths this — “talk to yourself the same way you’d talk to a loved one.”
Kendra — seconding the idea that you should get tested if you can since it may mean you aren’t a candidate and rule out the question entirely. Other than that…so many hugs. Most of you know my grandfather’s in a living facility cuz dementia and idfk wtf I’m going to do when he goes…and it’s your own mother in your case…hugs…lots and lots of hugs.
thebionicmommy
11 years ago
Thanks so much, Argenti and everyone else, for your kind words and reassurance. I agree I want to get tested and at least know I tried. I have no idea if my mom’s health would be good enough for her to qualify for any surgery anyway. At this point, I have to wait and see what the nephrologist and social workers say. Just take it one day at a time, that’s all I can do.
I have a lot to think about. My husband says “You are strong enough to lose your mom, but the kids aren’t” and that’s very heavy. And I listen to the Patty Loveless song “How can I Help you say Goodbye” and I feel torn between my love for my mom and for my children. Even people who are lucky like me and have wonderful parents eventually have to let go. And my mom wants me to be happy and live a long, full life raising my kids and having fun. I guess the only positive thing I can say about it is that she got to see her grandchildren, and that kidney failure and dialysis is a slow goodbye so we can appreciate each other for a while longer.
And I’m sorry about your grandpa in the nursing home, Argenti. It’s terrible to see someone you love in that condition, especially when they don’t know who you are anymore. I hated it when one of my grandmas was like that. If my mom can’t get a transplant, then I hope she never gets dementia at the end. She’s always been afraid of dying in that condition. It’s sad everyone doesn’t get to choose how we go, or most people would choose “peacefully die in sleep at age 100” or “spectacular motorcycle crash at age 102”. (Disclaimer here that just because I make jokes doesn’t mean I am insensitive to these things. It’s just my own way of coping with things beyond my control.)
We Hunted The Mammoth
In the “small world” dept. A friend was in the news because she was visiting Colorado and was evacuated by the National Guard. Nothing horrid (town was cut off), but they snapped her photo leaving the chopper.
One of the strangest feelings in the world is being at your most depressed when your life is actually at its best.
And it really underlines that depression isn’t caused by bad circumstances, or by bad things happening. It’s something going on in your brain area completely unrelated to the rest of the crap in your life.
I’ve been there. Everything was right, and I felt like I just couldn’t be happy about the things that should have made me happy.
I got through it mostly on my own, and afterwards I wished I’d told somebody, anybody, what was going on. When you can see it clearly, it’s completely different. With the fog of depression lifted, it all seems cut and dry.
[Content note: suicide]
Thanks everyone. I don’t know what I’d do if it weren’t for all of your support – I’m serious. I can see how it would make sense to call even when I’m not literally saying to myself that I want to end my life.
I guess another fear I have is that I won’t be understood – at least not easily. Now, I’m not saying that it’s impossible for anyone to understand my current situation or that I’m some kind of special snowflake, but it’s still complicated. I mean, there are a lot of things that make me feel suicidal when I think about them, and they’re connected in all sorts of ways.
I’m worried about taking too long to explain all of the various things that are making me feel miserable, especially since on the phone I can sometimes have a cold, analytic manner of speech that might make me sound like I’m not suffering from any kind of mental problem. What would be even worse is if the person on the other end thinks I’m trying to put myself on a pedestal and make myself sound like The Most Unfortunate Person Ever. As if I think I’m the only person in the world who has problems. Some people have told me that I’m a good communicator, but I don’t really believe that.
I’m sorry if I’m sounding totally ridiculous about my fears. Many people probably don’t obsess over the same things I do. I’m just worried – that’s all.
I just want to let you know that I’ve called a hotline in a similar frame of mind. I had suicidal thoughts but I knew I wasn’t going actually going to go through with anything. I told the person who answered my call that. They still stayed on the phone and listened to me and helped me. And it really did help me get through that night, and was a step out of that severe stage of my depression.
You can call them any time. It’s okay.
Ally, your fears are not ridiculous. They’re just fears. And you can tell the person on the hotline about them upfront!
And here’s a fur-baby (this is Shana, one of the kittens that katz rescued, now 7 months old and posing with her new servant).
Ah, Shana has such pretty, healthy fur and eyes!
Shana is very sweet, and she wants Ally to feel comfortable about calling the hotline. As a rescue kitty, she knows everyone needs help some time.
Ally, you have a great way of articulating some really complex things here, and that’s quite a gift. I completely understand what you’re saying here, because I am oftentimes the same way. It’s like if you act stoic, then people might assume you are cold, but if you express your feelings and fears more completely, then they’ll think you’re “too emotional”. My way is usually by making light of everything, but that can be misinterpreted as being insensitive.
And never feel guilt about sounding like the “most unfortunate person ever”. I like how Howard Bannister describe this kind of thought as “jerk brain”. I like that, because it’s so true. Anytime jerk brain acts up, try to imagine if someone else was telling you the things you want to say. Would you ever tell them to “stop whining” or call them a “special snowflake”? No way, you would give them love and support. But it’s hard to apply that same standard to ourselves, isn’t it? It’s hard to show our own selves the same love and patience we show others, because we’re afraid that’s selfish. But it’s not, caring about ourselves is a selfless act, really, because it allows us to be well and be there for others, too.
And always, if you have the slightest inkling to call the hotline, do call the hotline. That’s what they are there for. I’ve called numbers just to talk out some worries, and they’d rather someone call early rather than in a crisis.
And these are jerkbrain thoughts to fight.
1. I am a burden if I “bother” people with my problems.
2. Other people have it worse, so I’m not allowed to hurt.
3. People get annoyed when I ask for help.
When these thoughts come up, tell them Kendra says to stop, take those thoughts, throw them in the trash, and talk to yourself the same way you’d talk to a loved one.
@Ally
I don’t think they’ll think you sound like that. They’re there to help.
^This.
And EEEESHANA! Last time I saw her she looked like this!
And I hate to mention this, but I kind of want some advice, too, so here goes. My mom found out she has end stage renal disease and her nephrologist scheduled her to start dialysis. She will also assign mom with a social worker, because dad is in bad health himself due to a major stroke he had when he was in his 40’s. I’m going to beg them to move to Joplin, so it’d be easier for me to help them but who knows if they will. (they are stubborn and say they’d rather be in a nursing home than ask for their kids to take care of them)
At this time, we don’t yet know if mom is a candidate for a kidney transplant, due to her health problems and due to her being in her 60’s. On the list for cadaver organs, children and young people come first, due to them having their entire lives ahead of them. All of us are completely in favor of that rule, too. Mom would never accept an organ at the expense of a teenager.
However, people that know someone in need of a kidney are allowed to be living donors. The doctors take one kidney from a young, healthy person and put it into the body of a sick, elderly person. I am totally in favor of giving her my kidney, but my mom and husband are against it. They both say it’s not worth risking my life, because it’s immoral to take such a gamble when our children are still young and need a mom. I understand that completely, but I also think it’s immoral to have two kidneys at my own mother’s funeral. She has always been there for me growing up, and I want to help her now. But she says this is the natural way for people to get old and die, and young people have to keep on their own lives.
It would be a challenge to convince my mom to use my kidney, and it’s not legal or ethical to force her to take it. And at this point, I don’t know if a doctor would agree to do the surgery, or even if I’d be a match on blood and tissue types. We do know Medicare covers transplants, but that I would lose my own insurance due to having one kidney after. And because I have kidney scarring from a past case of pyelonephritis, I’m unsure if I’d pass the urinary exam. But if I was a viable candidate, I think it’s the right thing, but noone else does.
I know I’m rambling. But I at least feel better letting it out to people not in the family, and not involved.
@thebionicmommy
That sucks 🙁 hugs for you and your mom if wanted. Sadly I don’t have any advice though 🙁
@bionicmommy
I mean, it does make sense to offer it to her, though it sounds like she really doesn’t want it for some reason. Maybe you could see if you can get the tests done to see if you’d be a viable match and donor? that way if you aren’t, it stops being an issue (though then you’ve got the problem of no good kidneys for her) and if you are, you can tell her you’d be happy to do it if she changes her mind? Idk.
Though I should point out that I don’t know how dangerous kidney donations are. You saying your mom and husband are against it b/c they think it’d be risking your life makes me thing either it’s dangerous or they think it is? Or are they just being overtly cautious.
Also, some people have a hard time accepting something from a family member. Like, my sister gave me huge amounts of money for a wheelchair, and I had to keep rechecking as in “you’re SURE you want to do this?” because of how much of a sacrifice it was. With something as huge as an organ, that feeling might be amped up to extreme.
So, um TL;DR I don’t have any good advice. I agree it makes sense to offer her your kidney from what I read, but I don’t really know much about kidney donation and how easy it is to live with only one, either.
Shana’s just cute no matter how big she is.
I think all you can do is offer, bionicmommy.
You’ve offered, and your mom has turned you down. I think it wouldn’t be ethical to keep offering, but then I’m not in your position.
I know at least three people – my dad, my brother, and my step-dad – who get very impatient and annoyed when I try explaining things to them. They usually think I’m either too defensive or too verbose. That’s also why I’m worried about taking too long to explain everything.
I think this is a great suggestion, but I’m worried about falling into a self-pitying mindset. I know there’s a difference between being nice to myself and having self-pity, but it seems like a blurry line to me. Nevertheless, I’ve followed this suggestion to some degree. For instance, whenever I start crying, I always tell myself that it’s okay to cry and that it’s okay if some people see me do so.
Anyway, I really appreciate talking to all of you about this – I feel much better. Now I’m leaning towards calling the hotline. I just need to find a time and place to do so.
Because of the Edmonton thing mentioned on this thread, I ventured over to A Voice for Men. I see they have re-hauled the layout of their site, and their tagline is now “Humanist Counter-Theory in the Age of Misandry” rather than “Masculist Theory in the Age of Misandry.” Um. Hmmm.
I have no idea either. I’m not a doctor. It’s hard to find information I trust online because it’s either biased from money of the transplant industry or the other way from the dialysis industry. Major hospitals like the mayo clinic and groups like the Kidney Foundation and UNOS all deal organs for a living, so they describe it as no big deal, like getting a haircut. But other groups, like living donor survivor groups say it is very risky and people that survive it end up sick, financially ruined, and at a moderate stage of kidney failure themselves.
I guess the best I can do to try to save her life is to wait and see if they start letting people test as viable donors, and then get tested. If I pass the test, I’ll make one final offer and let her come to me at any time to accept. I think I’m strong enough to do the surgery, but I need to be even stronger and learn to say goodbye to mom, too, if she makes that choice.
Of course I am not telling the kids about any of this, because I don’t want them to worry. They are little and need to focus on playing and fun, not dialysis, hospitals, and living wills. But if the time came to do the surgery, I would probably back out if my kids asked me to. The idea of scaring them is also unthinkable.
@Ally,
I know what you mean. Once again, you are being harder on yourself than others. Would you accuse someone else in pain of having a “pity party”? Of course not, so don’t let the jerk brain say that to you either.
I’m glad you are going to call the hotline. Even if the other person on the other side of the call doesn’t have magic words to make your hurt disappear, it’s still reassuring to hear a friendly, supportive voice. I’m rooting for you, and I think you’re very brave. Sometimes I get nervous about calling something mundane like the dentists office, so I know that calling the hotline is very hard. But once you do, you’ll be glad you did.
And I’m also glad you came here. It’s better to get it off your chest, and know you’re not alone. *Hugs*
Ally – *extra hugs* Whenever you decide to call the hotline, just know that we’re rooting for you. I’ve found that in the darkest hour, someone in real life reassuring you that you’ll be okay, and being willing to listen to you is one of the best things in the world.
Don’t forget to set up the CAPS appointment though. Whenever you’re ready, of course.
Ally – your dad isn’t worth including in any examples of ordinary behaviour because he’s an abuser. Your brother has his influence/upbringing affecting him. Your stepdad, I don’t know. But shit, THREE people are being jerks to you, two at least because they haven’t any idea about what’s going on, I’d guess. How many just on this site have said 1) you communicate well and 2) don’t think you “take too long” and 3) like and respect you?
Anyway, all that aside: the people on hotline numbers are volunteers. They have chosen to do that work to help people in precisely your situation. They are there to listen. They’ve been trained. They’ve heard many, many stories (collectively, at least) from people in goodness knows how many situations. Probably quite a few of those people hesitated a long time about calling, too, and felt they weren’t in a serious enough situation, or their problems weren’t important/real/something anyone else would care about.
It’s all jerkbrain talking. In your case, it’s jerkbrain instilled by an abusive parental unit, so it’s doubly not worth listening to.
Call the helpline.
Shana! Squee! So pretty at any age.
@Kitteh
They are only three people, but I’ve also had a lot of interaction with them IRL, so it’s easy for me to give their views of me more weight (although it’s much, much easier for me to agree with my brother and step-dad). In other words, they can get to me much easier than people I interact with less and/or only know online.
You make a good point. I guess I’m just being overly cynical in regards to these counselors. I’m always very afraid of judgment from others, no matter where I am.
It’s actually caused by more than my dad’s abuse. I also grew up with a very poor self-image that was caused by, among other things, bullying, social anxiety, and fat-shaming (I got slightly fat when I was 13). My father did indirectly contribute to my social anxiety and shame me for being slightly fat, though.
But yes, I’ll call the hotline. Thank you for writing all of that out for me. I really appreciate it.
Kitty!! Baby!! *dies of cute*
Zombie Argenti Nths this — “talk to yourself the same way you’d talk to a loved one.”
Kendra — seconding the idea that you should get tested if you can since it may mean you aren’t a candidate and rule out the question entirely. Other than that…so many hugs. Most of you know my grandfather’s in a living facility cuz dementia and idfk wtf I’m going to do when he goes…and it’s your own mother in your case…hugs…lots and lots of hugs.
Thanks so much, Argenti and everyone else, for your kind words and reassurance. I agree I want to get tested and at least know I tried. I have no idea if my mom’s health would be good enough for her to qualify for any surgery anyway. At this point, I have to wait and see what the nephrologist and social workers say. Just take it one day at a time, that’s all I can do.
I have a lot to think about. My husband says “You are strong enough to lose your mom, but the kids aren’t” and that’s very heavy. And I listen to the Patty Loveless song “How can I Help you say Goodbye” and I feel torn between my love for my mom and for my children. Even people who are lucky like me and have wonderful parents eventually have to let go. And my mom wants me to be happy and live a long, full life raising my kids and having fun. I guess the only positive thing I can say about it is that she got to see her grandchildren, and that kidney failure and dialysis is a slow goodbye so we can appreciate each other for a while longer.
And I’m sorry about your grandpa in the nursing home, Argenti. It’s terrible to see someone you love in that condition, especially when they don’t know who you are anymore. I hated it when one of my grandmas was like that. If my mom can’t get a transplant, then I hope she never gets dementia at the end. She’s always been afraid of dying in that condition. It’s sad everyone doesn’t get to choose how we go, or most people would choose “peacefully die in sleep at age 100” or “spectacular motorcycle crash at age 102”. (Disclaimer here that just because I make jokes doesn’t mean I am insensitive to these things. It’s just my own way of coping with things beyond my control.)