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kitties off topic open thread

Open Thread for Personal Stuff: September edition

Hugs if you want them.
Hugs if you want them.

This is a continuation from here.Β  A thread to discuss personal issues and provide support for one another. No trolls, no arguments.

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emilygoddess
emilygoddess
7 years ago

Oh man, now I want Gene Parmesan to pop up at our wedding..

Ally S
7 years ago

With the help of a fellow trans* woman on campus, I recently found out about this place in San Jose: http://www.carlas.com/allabout/shop.html

It’s perfect for me, and it’s extremely close to where I live (I actually heard of a similar place before, but I thought it was in San Francisco, which is way too far for me). And I now have all the time I need* to not only buy things there without anyone finding out, but also try on the stuff in the store.

The best thing is that I’ve found some safe spaces here in Santa Cruz (the Diversity Center, the Cantu Queer Center on campus, and a queer/trans*-friendly housing co-op). And if I get the things I want from that boutique, well, I’ll be able to present as myself for the first time ever. And I’ll do so in spaces where (hopefully) no one will laugh at me or call me mentally ill.

I’m just so excited, guys. I’m in that mood where just thinking about a certain thing makes me all teary-eyed suddenly – kind of like the time I found out I was accepted by UCSC, only miles better.

When next Tuesday comes around, I’m going!

*Because of my flexible class schedule, I can easily get away with “I was late for the bus” as an excuse for being out later than expected. My dad won’t suspect a thing.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Ally — w00t! Enjoy your shopping trip!

Emilygoddess — pre-congratulations πŸ™‚

kittehserf
7 years ago

Emily, seconding the pre-congrats! πŸ™‚

Also congrats to Ally!

cloudiah
7 years ago

Yay, Emily! Yay, Ally! Very happy for you both!

emilygoddess
emilygoddess
7 years ago

Ally, that store looks amazing and I’m super psyched that it’s so accessible to you. Good luck!

cloudiah
7 years ago

Did you make that sweater, kitteh?

kittehserf
7 years ago

Only in Spirit! That design’s a bit beyond my knitting capabilities here.

(Correction, it’s a lot beyond them.)

πŸ™‚

Ally S
7 years ago

[Content note: possibly abuse? idk]

When I used to go shopping for clothes with my dad, he used to press shirts, pants, etc. against me to see if they would fit, and I felt (and still feel) extremely uncomfortable about him touching me even though he wasn’t touching me in private places. I mean, when my mom does the same thing to me in clothing store, I feel a little embarrassed since it feels like I’m being treated like a kid, but I never feel uncomfortable to the point of feeling unsafe and defensive. And when I told him (usually politely) to stop touching me and let me shop by myself, he would raise his voice very loudly and tell me “Do you want everyone here in the store to know that you’re embarrassed?” Other times he would say “Excuse me, ma’am, I need help finding [something] for my son [sic], who is very shy and embarrassed right now.” He asked female employees in particular in order to make me feel more ashamed (his way of trying to “emasculate” me or something).

Humiliation is his preferred means of getting me to do things for him. And I’ve always felt that it’s very wrong. But I don’t know if this could be considered a form of abuse, and I don’t want to call it abuse because I don’t want to appropriate the term from survivors of abuse. Many people I know would call what I described above just benign teasing and accuse me of overreacting to something that’s normal. What do you folks think? This has really been troubling me.

cloudiah
7 years ago

Ally, I think psychological and emotional abuse are both “real” abuse, and I do think your father engages in that.

Ally S
7 years ago

Sorry, I should clarify things a bit. I understand psychological and emotional abuse are actual forms of abuse. What I feel conflicted about, though, is whether what I described above could be called abusive. It made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe, but I don’t know if calling it abuse is appropriate because I’ve heard of many other parents teasing their children and trying to embarrass them from time to time. And my dad was acting all lighthearted and stuff when he was doing those things to me. I guess a better way to say all of this is whether I should consider the above something that is reasonable to complain about. It did feel awful but maybe I’m just overreacting or something. IDK

Ally S
7 years ago

And yes, it’s true that he is generally psychologically and emotionally abusive, but I just don’t know if the above is also abusive.

kittehserf
7 years ago

It’s abuse; it’s part of his pattern. In a decent parent it might be just gross insensitivity, but it’d still come under the heading of bullying. From him? Definitely abusive.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Ally — teasing: my mango thing, cuz pecunium’s fine with it; not teasing: my father claiming he put things I won’t eat in my food. Note the “fine with it” part. Also acceptable would be knocking it off once told to.

Your father’s an ass in other words. And I’m not cool with people claiming “that isn’t really abuse” since it’s so close to “that isn’t really rape”…if you think it is, it is as far as I’m concerned.

cloudiah
7 years ago

Kitteh said what I was trying to say, and much better.

Ally S
7 years ago

[Content note: corrective sexual abuse, boundary violation, transmisogyny]

It’s really scary for me to think about how so many other things my father has done to me are abusive. But I grew up feeling hurt by his actions while unable to recognize them as abusive, so coming to terms with the reality of these things is helpful for me. The main consequence is that it leads me to have paranoid fears of him escalating his abuse some day. He has a history of violating others’ boundaries, for instance, and for that reason I frequently have fears of him sexually abusing me as part of some “corrective” measure.

Anyway, all of you are wonderful, and I’m feeling much better after seeing your responses. I feel validated in some way, and that makes me happy even though I can’t help but feel guilty about that for some reason. In any case, I can’t thank you enough. I might sound ridiculous for thanking all of you profusely, but I really mean it.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Ally – hugs (and you get a free sprinkling of cat hairs with every one).

You don’t sound ridiculous; you never do.

kittehserf
7 years ago

OT I am pleased and surprised to find Mr Serf likes my patterned uber-colourful tights – I wore ’em at Home last night and got scooped up (in crossing-the-threshold style) twice by a husband who was halfway between laughing and purring. πŸ™‚

SittieKitty
7 years ago

<3 Ally, you absolutely are not being ridiculous. Your dad definitely sounds abusive. I'm sorry I don't have anything more I could do.

kittehserf
7 years ago

Hey, I’m on my wool shop’s Facebook page.

https://www.facebook.com/WoolBaaa/photos_stream

mildlymagnificent
7 years ago

Ally, if ever you’re in doubt about this stuff, just think about someone else persisting in something you’ve already told them you don’t want them to do to you.

In a schoolyard, it might get passed off as teasing … once. When you get to twice, you’re talking definitely teasing, probably insensitive. Three times or more, it’s bullying.

Your father knows you well enough to know what does and doesn’t push your buttons. It’s not thoughtless, it’s not teasing, it’s bullying. Bullying in a family relationship is abusive.

mildlymagnificent
7 years ago

In a schoolyard or workplace

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

There’ salsa the good ol’ “and what would I say if someone else said this to me?” Cuz I’m way harder on myself than I am everyone else and I doubt Ally would be all “idk if that really counts as abuse” to someone else. So, Ally, tell your jerkbrain to go fuck off.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

There’s salsa?!

Should be there’s also

kittehserf
7 years ago

Argenti, don’t you mean “How would I react if I heard this (abusive stuff) said to someone else?”

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Well, that too, but I was thinking more if one of us had said what Ally said, how would she respond?

kittehserf
7 years ago

Oh, gotcha!

Similar thing, really – if the person asking the question isn’t trying to process stuff about zirself from an abuser, it becomes much clearer that it is abusive. Jerkbrain sits down and shuts up.

emilygoddess
emilygoddess
7 years ago

I get where you’re coming from, Ally. It took me a long time to understand my mom’s behavior as abusive, and even then, I find myself questioning whether some of the smaller things “count” as abusive because they look so small compared to the more obviously abusive things she did.

(It doesn’t help that my mom comes from a long line of dysfunctional families, was probably just continuing patterns she learned from her parents, and has a mental illness that’s not always well managed. It’s easy for me to go “oh, well, she didn’t mean it that way” and feel bad for labeling it “abuse”)

Ally S
7 years ago

Ugh, I’m sorry to hear that, emilygoddess.

[Content note: physical abuse, boundary violation, emotional abuse]

One thing my dad to me when I was younger was physically restraining my body against my will and then biting my arms and legs. I can barely even begin to describe how terrifying that was for me – it was as though he had full control over me and my boundaries had no importance to him at all. It was also extremely painful, of course, but he never caused any severe physical damage – what was most damaging was the feeling of being trapped and violated. Nevertheless, I can remember my mom rubbing isopropyl alcohol on a bite mark on several occasions because she was worried about me being infected.

Because he told me it was just his way of showing affection for me, I ignored those feelings of being hurt and violated and just tried to see him in a better light. I tried to see it as some “small” thing I should just forget about. Now I can recognize it as abuse – the worst he has ever done to me, in fact, since that was one of the things that destroyed my trust in him. Just so you folks know, he stopped doing this to me once I was 12, although he hasn’t shown any remorse for his actions because, after all, it was just “tough love” to him.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Dude, no. You do not bite people without permission once you’re old enough to go to school. Small children doing it, okay, they’ll learn, but adults? You’d damned well better have permission.

TMI time

So, a certain masochist likes being bitten, I mean, really likes. I’ve never, not once, had my skin break. If he was biting hard enough to risk infection, he was biting hard enough to risk serious damage regardless wtf he said. You DO NOT DO THAT.

He’s a fucking asshole six ways to Sunday. (No, really, biting me is most definitely a sign of affection when I’ve fucking asked you to, otherwise it’s fucking assault — restrained with no way out and he won’t stop? Abuse Fucking Asshole)

Grah, that infection risk isn’t minor either, human mouths are gross.

Ally S
7 years ago

Oh fuck. My little sisters and/or my step-mom may have gotten their hands on these note cards that were for my public speaking class speech on trans* people. The notes explicitly talked about trans* people and even things like the murder of trans* women such as Angie Zapata.

This is making me nervous. I really fucking hope that they forget about what they just saw. Or if they don’t forget I hope they have the mercy to not spread it around and arouse the suspicion of others. At least the co-op in Santa Cruz still has room in case things escalate and I need to get the hell out of the house.

Ally S
7 years ago

Here’s what one card says:

I have heard many negative narratives about trans* people.

NYT 2005: Gwen Araujo

CNN 2009: Angie Zapata

Common motive: hatred

T: Some major forms of oppression trans* people face and what you can do

(I know, I know – I wrote cryptic notes for that speech. >_>)

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Cryptic notes are, in this case, excellent. I can guess at what that card translates to, but that it’s personal? Not remotely apparently from a tiny list of news references and two sentences.

They may take it as meaning you support trans* people, but I really doubt cards that vague will accidentally out you.

Really though, how they react could be useful for future reference when you do come out.

Oh and good luck with your speech πŸ™‚ I did a few violin solos back in grade school and a word of advice? Look at something on the wall over their heads. Makes it look like you are looking at the audience but you can’t see their expressions.

Ally S
7 years ago

Actually, I did that speech in my last semester of community college. =P I was pretty awkward, although the class seemed to like it. My main problems with the speech were that I asked the class to support the HRC (before I really understood why so many trans* people (rightfully) hate that organization) and that I was feeling very melancholic because the speech was personal to me. It was about the ways in which trans* people are oppressed and how trans* people can be supported. Fortunately I seemed to have no problems with eye contact.

It’s probably true that they won’t think “Ah, so [Ally] is trans*!” once they see it, but they will be suspicious. And I really don’t want to cause any suspicion because that’s very dangerous for me.

Ally S
7 years ago

“It’s probably true that they won’t think β€œAh, so [Ally] is trans*!” once they see it, but they will be suspicious.”

Should be “It’s probably true that they didn’t think β€œAh, so [Ally] is trans*!” once they saw it, but they might be suspicious now.”

Ally S
7 years ago

This may be a very strange thing to vent about, but…

I seem to have damaged my short-term memory permanently via marijuana usage. I’ve smoked since the age of 15, and for the past few weeks I’ve been smoking almost every single day. Since I don’t have access to therapy and I often want to get my mind off of stressful things and just relax, marijuana has become something like a means of coping for me.

I’m not addicted to the substance in that I don’t suffer from any harmful withdrawal effects when I stop smoking for a while, but it has damaged my short-term memory. For instance, I now find conversations in general more difficult, even while sober, because it’s harder to keep track of everything – although it’s not severe in any way.

Sometimes even when I comment here (and I’m sober) I forget some of the things I said previously. So I just want to say that I’m very sorry if any of my comments seem incoherent, inconsistent, or overly repetitive from time to time.

SittieKitty
7 years ago

Ok, so… I’m really thinking about creating a blog full of all the manboobz recipes.

Thoughts?

Names?

Links to previous recipe threads?

SittieKitty
7 years ago

Although I might totally steal this name… ;^.^ Assuming there’s no objections.

Baking with the Tears of Oppressed White Men

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

SittieKitty — as the creator of that name, go for it!

SittieKitty
7 years ago

I need links to old comments though. If anyone has any handy…

emilygoddess
emilygoddess
7 years ago

I vote for a kitchen-themed title, or “make your own damn sandwich”. Then the tagline could be something like “recipes for freeze peach and the tears of oppressed white men”.

cloudiah
7 years ago

SittieKitty, I just posted one on my blog, and I know I saved one more. If you create this blog, I will link to you in my blogroll. Since I get thousands dozens of hits a day month, this should send a ton of very little traffic your way.

Also, try searching in google: “site manboobz.com recipe” and see if you get anything.

SittieKitty
7 years ago

cloudiah, it was your blog that gave me the idea! And since i love to cook/bake, I figured it would be a great way to start some kind of blog that actually had content. Since I’m terrible at coming up with content myself.

http://eatingmanboobz.wordpress.com/

There’s nothing on it but I’m making LBT’s vegan chocolate cake as my first entry right now.

SittieKitty
7 years ago

Haha, *awaiting moderation* oops, sorry David, I forgot I changed my email ;-.- This is the one I’ll be using from now on.

SittieKitty
7 years ago

omg, first entry is up, and tasty if I say so myself.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

It’s “site:manboobz.com recipes” that you need, I think. I’ve fairly sure the site:[url] part is the secret to that trick.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

*I’m

Long day. I got roped into doing inventory at the shop and am apparently the only one who can work a tape feed calculator.

kittehserf
7 years ago

SittieKitty, I’ll link to you on my blog too. I have all of 32 followers!

katz
7 years ago

Goody, something new to add to the More Manboobzy Fun category!