I keep thinking it’s because deep down underneath their hatred, they know that we’re right. But they don’t want to admit it, so instead they want to shut us down so that they won’t ever have to come face to face with themselves.
One of my friends just posted on how someone street harassed her into giving a creepy guy her number even though she made it clear that she was a minor and that she had a boyfriend and that she wanted him to leave her alone. He then proceeded to calling and texting said number, even though she (and her boyfriend) made it clear that she didn’t want to be contacted by this creepy guy at all.
I’m not sure what the appropriate thing to do is about this. This is obviously just going to be their standard procedure forever.
I actually think just pointing out how fucked up it is, over and over, is useful. Anything that helps to un-normalize it. I know it seems Sisyphean, but it’s one of the many reasons I so appreciate your attention to this stuff. Other people tune out, but you keep covering it.
I feel like I should send you a cake or something. 🙂
We should send him cupcakes. David, we’re officially decorating misandry cupcakes with cat hair and sending them to your domicile. (That is, addressed to David Futrelle, c/o Chicago)
What? This isn’t welcome? Harumph. No sense of humor.
Okay, ‘night all — I”m going to bed earlier than usual to see if I can get into work early enough to catch a visit from the cat the katz fostered and my co-worker adopted! I’ll try to post pictures for katz to see how well she’s doing! She’s an actual cat now, not a kitten!
I’m down for bonding over how depression feels! Do you ever get that thing where, when you’re coming out of a rough patch, one feeling triggers several others that seem like they shouldn’t be connected? I swear, last time I was recovering, I had this thing where something would make me laugh and that triggered needing to pee.
@Fade
I know some other people who get that too. Depression does so many different things to different people. I think we’ve all been at the gratuitous crying stage though. For me, all the tears come on better days – which sometimes confuses the people around me!
@Tristan
I’m so sorry for everything you’re putting up with. I have no advice, only support and sympathy.
I hope this doesn’t sound too alarming (although to some it probably will anyway), but my suicidal mindset is back. I feel so weak and overwhelmed these days that it’s easy for me to have suicidal thoughts. I’ve had suicidal thoughts before, but this is the worst they’ve ever been.
I’m thinking about calling some kind of suicide hotline, since I have a lot of hotline numbers, but I’m hesitant because I’m thinking that my problem isn’t severe enough for me to call a suicide hotline. Yet at the same time, I really need some kind of help. I can wait until I go to UCSC, whose student health services include free counseling, but I also don’t want to wait too long, either.
Right now I feel sick to my stomach. I’m honestly scared by all of these harmful thoughts. If anyone can offer some advice on when to call a suicide hotline, I’d greatly appreciate it – although if I have to I guess I can just try to call a hotline and hope that it won’t be a bad experience.
I want to add that I’m not feeling suicidal right now, and I think I’ll feel a bit better after I get some sleep – I’m just talking about the times I do feel suicidal, which are happening more and more frequently as time goes on.
*hugs Ally* You can call a suicide hotline whenever you want. No one’s going to judge you if you call when you’re sitting in your dorm room at 10 PM with suicidal thoughts.
I’d also recommend going to Student Health Services when you get back onto campus, so that they can do some blood tests and rule out physiological conditions like hypothyroidism (which is what happened to me). And of course, take advantage of CAPS, they’re here to help you (plus if you need it, they can write a referral to allow you to get long term care, since I know in UCSD, the number of visits to CAPS is limited to I think 20 visits in two years).
[TW]: depression, self harm, suicidal thoughts
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Last summer I ended up sitting in my room all day, spending my time on the computer, taking a lot of naps, isolating myself and refusing to go anywhere, and just being utterly depressed. I pretty much figured that I was depressed by July, and was waiting for school to start so that I could make a CAPS appointment.
In the meanwhile I was wondering whether my life was worth it. In the meanwhile, I had serious problems, from financial aid to class registration failure to screwing up and having a hold on everything until I took a TB test. Parents yelled at me, but I didn’t really care. I hated myself, constantly punished myself by scratching my arms red (so that there would be no scars), and otherwise wishing I was dead because I thought I was the most worthless and the most useless person on Earth.
(Incidentally, I wrote a poem expressing this perfectly once, but okay, moving on.)
Got onto campus, when I had a panic attack first day of class, when I found out that I didn’t have insurance for some reason. It was related to class registration failure, because I ended up being waitlisted for all of my classes. This meant I had no financial aid, because I didn’t have the right amount of units to access it. That problem was soon rectified, but that was terrible. I thought that I would have been kicked out of my dorm room and everything.
I destroyed my phone by accident. The Pacific Ocean killed my phone battery, because it was in my pocket and I forgot it was there. My parents were not pleased.
In the meanwhile, I made an appointment for CAPS, but it wasn’t for another two weeks.
One night, my roommate was out for the evening (I don’t remember why, I think she was in the library or something) and I was sitting in my room feeling sucky. And that night, I thought “fuck it, why don’t I just do it?”, and so I ran out of my dorm room, intending to walk to the cliffs in the night and jump off.
It was a cold night. I started to leave the campus, but then I forced myself to walk around campus instead. After a walk around the campus, I went back to my dorm room, and called the suicide hotline on Skype (again, no phone). The person on the other end was nice.
Started seeing the psychiatrist over at UCSD. During this time, I began to research various methods that were used to commit suicide — Tylenol poisoning, aspirin poisoning, carbon monoxide poisoning, hanging…
One day, I was walking around campus, utterly depressed. The night before I was tempted to commit suicide again, this time with a rope that somehow made its way inside my bag when I moved in. My plan was to hang myself in the wardrobe with the door shut, and I didn’t care whether my roommate would find my body or not, I just wanted to die. I even thought of a day and everything; I remember thinking that I would die on Wednesday. Walking around campus, I could look at the railings on the upper floors of the lecture halls and imagine myself jumping off the railings and falling down to the floor with a splat. I was convinced that no one would ever give a shit, so why bother?
That day I told the psychiatrist what I was thinking. I don’t know why, but I was tempted to say something. Maybe it was because I wanted attention, I don’t know.
In either case, they found out that I had been diagnosed with hypothyroidism, had no meds, and sent me to do blood tests. It turned out to be pretty bad, with a really high TSH count.
Then they put me on levothyroxine to treat the hypothyroidism.
Eventually I started to feel better. I now have a therapist (which reminds me, I need to make an appointment for October) who is going to help me in the long term, and I haven’t thought suicidal thoughts for a long while.
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I think the only reason I said this now was because I want to let you know that I understand and that I care? I don’t know.
But there’s no shame in asking for help. It’s only the first step towards recovery.
*gives moar hugs because depression suicidal thoughts suck balls*
Nthing the words, Ally: call a hotline! That’s what they’re there for.
NonServiam
11 years ago
@Ally
I’m so sorry you’re going through that. You never have to second guess yourself on asking for help. I hope sleep helps anyway. All the love going your way.
Heh, I remember her going into the hospital, telling the nurse her pain was “about an eight out of ten”, and I had to pull the nurse aside and explain that her 8 was probably most people’s twelve.
Ha! Having chronic pain really fucks with your assessment of pain. I had a couple of episodes of excruciating pain a few years ago. Spasms so bad I couldn’t move – and when I forced myself to move to go to the loo, I threw up. Nursedaughter made a surprise return from London visit because of this.
Of course, she asked all the standard nurse type questions including the “number” question. I thought it was probably an 8. Then she put it all together and suggested (if shouting can be described as suggesting) that if pain is bad enough to make you throw up then 10 is the only option.
My own suspicion is that the number scale is really only useful for people whose normal day in day out pain rating would be 2 or less. Most of us “judge” by comparing to our usual condition. Anyone who constantly juggles 4, 5 and 6 levels can’t make a sensible judgment on that scale. If that usual condition is one that most people are unfamiliar with, we’ll give a misleading response to that standardised scale.
I’ve replenished the big barrel o’ hugs, and anyone who needs one should just feel free — or if you have extras, you can drop them in there. All kinds of hugs: reserved Scandihoovian hugs, big bear hugs, non-contact air hugs, even some arm squeezes in there too.
And Ally, please do call the hotline. Even if you’re not currently feeling suicidal, if you think those thoughts will come back call and ask what to do when they do. (Which might be just, “Call the hotline!”)
Alice, Ally, anybody else — I’ve never had suicidal thoughts, but I want to say that you are not alone, you don’t have to do life by yourself*, and I’m sending you nice warm Internet blankets.
Also baby. I’ve got more photos but they’re not uploading at the moment. ??
I’m thinking about calling some kind of suicide hotline, since I have a lot of hotline numbers, but I’m hesitant because I’m thinking that my problem isn’t severe enough for me to call a suicide hotline
i can’t give much advice about suicide, but I don’t think that the hotline people would tell you that your problem isn’t severe enough. There are lots of people who feel suicidal, most of them probably depressed, and depression doesn’t only strike people in awful situations. (not that I’m saying your situation isn’t shitty; I’m saying someone can have a supportive, financially well off family and STILL wind up suicidal because of depression)
okay, actually I just remembered what I did when I was feeling suicidal. Normally it’s watch something completely distracting, like a movie or tv show. That is how I deal with lots of my stress, if anyone’s been keeping track. ;). I’ve also gone on walks when it was because of my feeling not-in-control of my life (I was living w/ my parents because I was young) and going on walks let me choose what I was doing, at least it seemed like.
@Alice Sanguinaria
Last summer I ended up sitting in my room all day, spending my time on the computer, taking a lot of naps, isolating myself and refusing to go anywhere, and just being utterly depressed. I pretty much figured that I was depressed by July, and was waiting for school to start so that I could make a CAPS appointment.
I just wanted to say, that is like almost exactly how my depression manifested it’self for the longest time. I thought I was just lazy.
Marie
11 years ago
@nonserviam
Do you ever get that thing where, when you’re coming out of a rough patch, one feeling triggers several others that seem like they shouldn’t be connected? I swear, last time I was recovering, I had this thing where something would make me laugh and that triggered needing to pee.
Nothing like that (luckily?) I do tend to get mood swings of extreme normal emotion (happy, excite, w/e) and then back down to mellow/ sad/ apathy when my meds are working.
@Ally S
All the internet hugs you want 🙁 I’ve never called a hotline, but I would assume there’s nothing wrong with calling one.
@Alice
But there’s no shame in asking for help. It’s only the first step towards recovery.
Yes.^ Also, jedi hugs for you, too, alice, if you want them.
For those of you who ever wonder about whether calling a support service is “worth it”, a friend of mine was a supervisor of a Lifeline group. Her advice would be to call. They’d much rather talk someone through their feelings half a dozen times than need to call out emergency services once for someone who’s left it until the very last.
(I might add if she’s typical of the service they’re truly admirable. She’s never told me a single word, hint or inference of anything she’s ever heard from or about callers, just a bit of indirect discussion about organising volunteers – once. She hardly mentions it at all.)
We Hunted The Mammoth
I keep thinking it’s because deep down underneath their hatred, they know that we’re right. But they don’t want to admit it, so instead they want to shut us down so that they won’t ever have to come face to face with themselves.
One of my friends just posted on how someone street harassed her into giving a creepy guy her number even though she made it clear that she was a minor and that she had a boyfriend and that she wanted him to leave her alone. He then proceeded to calling and texting said number, even though she (and her boyfriend) made it clear that she didn’t want to be contacted by this creepy guy at all.
🙁
What the hell people?
I actually think just pointing out how fucked up it is, over and over, is useful. Anything that helps to un-normalize it. I know it seems Sisyphean, but it’s one of the many reasons I so appreciate your attention to this stuff. Other people tune out, but you keep covering it.
I feel like I should send you a cake or something. 🙂
cloudiah – We should make misandry cupcakes. Decorate them with hard chairs, female penguins, and scented candles. *nod*
And don’t forget the kitties!
We should send him cupcakes. David, we’re officially decorating misandry cupcakes with cat hair and sending them to your domicile. (That is, addressed to David Futrelle, c/o Chicago)
What? This isn’t welcome? Harumph. No sense of humor.
Okay, ‘night all — I”m going to bed earlier than usual to see if I can get into work early enough to catch a visit from the cat the katz fostered and my co-worker adopted! I’ll try to post pictures for katz to see how well she’s doing! She’s an actual cat now, not a kitten!
Aww, kitty pics! Get thee to bed, we want pics!
Pics of Shana? Yay!
@Marie
I’m down for bonding over how depression feels! Do you ever get that thing where, when you’re coming out of a rough patch, one feeling triggers several others that seem like they shouldn’t be connected? I swear, last time I was recovering, I had this thing where something would make me laugh and that triggered needing to pee.
@Fade
I know some other people who get that too. Depression does so many different things to different people. I think we’ve all been at the gratuitous crying stage though. For me, all the tears come on better days – which sometimes confuses the people around me!
@Tristan
I’m so sorry for everything you’re putting up with. I have no advice, only support and sympathy.
cloudiah – Have a good rest! And KITTEHS! 😀
[Content note: death, suicidal thoughts]
I hope this doesn’t sound too alarming (although to some it probably will anyway), but my suicidal mindset is back. I feel so weak and overwhelmed these days that it’s easy for me to have suicidal thoughts. I’ve had suicidal thoughts before, but this is the worst they’ve ever been.
I’m thinking about calling some kind of suicide hotline, since I have a lot of hotline numbers, but I’m hesitant because I’m thinking that my problem isn’t severe enough for me to call a suicide hotline. Yet at the same time, I really need some kind of help. I can wait until I go to UCSC, whose student health services include free counseling, but I also don’t want to wait too long, either.
Right now I feel sick to my stomach. I’m honestly scared by all of these harmful thoughts. If anyone can offer some advice on when to call a suicide hotline, I’d greatly appreciate it – although if I have to I guess I can just try to call a hotline and hope that it won’t be a bad experience.
I want to add that I’m not feeling suicidal right now, and I think I’ll feel a bit better after I get some sleep – I’m just talking about the times I do feel suicidal, which are happening more and more frequently as time goes on.
🙁 Aww, Ally. Of course you should call the hotline if you feel like it would help you.
Note: I am the last person you want to ask, seeing how I refuse to call them, but…
“I’m thinking that my problem isn’t severe enough for me to call a suicide hotline”
That is your jerkbrain talking, and it’s full of shit. Also, *hugs*
There’s a great flowchart for this.
1) Am I having suicidal ideation?
If so, then yes, 2) my problems are “severe enough” to call a hotline.
Go right ahead.
*hugs Ally* You can call a suicide hotline whenever you want. No one’s going to judge you if you call when you’re sitting in your dorm room at 10 PM with suicidal thoughts.
I’d also recommend going to Student Health Services when you get back onto campus, so that they can do some blood tests and rule out physiological conditions like hypothyroidism (which is what happened to me). And of course, take advantage of CAPS, they’re here to help you (plus if you need it, they can write a referral to allow you to get long term care, since I know in UCSD, the number of visits to CAPS is limited to I think 20 visits in two years).
[TW]: depression, self harm, suicidal thoughts
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Last summer I ended up sitting in my room all day, spending my time on the computer, taking a lot of naps, isolating myself and refusing to go anywhere, and just being utterly depressed. I pretty much figured that I was depressed by July, and was waiting for school to start so that I could make a CAPS appointment.
In the meanwhile I was wondering whether my life was worth it. In the meanwhile, I had serious problems, from financial aid to class registration failure to screwing up and having a hold on everything until I took a TB test. Parents yelled at me, but I didn’t really care. I hated myself, constantly punished myself by scratching my arms red (so that there would be no scars), and otherwise wishing I was dead because I thought I was the most worthless and the most useless person on Earth.
(Incidentally, I wrote a poem expressing this perfectly once, but okay, moving on.)
Got onto campus, when I had a panic attack first day of class, when I found out that I didn’t have insurance for some reason. It was related to class registration failure, because I ended up being waitlisted for all of my classes. This meant I had no financial aid, because I didn’t have the right amount of units to access it. That problem was soon rectified, but that was terrible. I thought that I would have been kicked out of my dorm room and everything.
I destroyed my phone by accident. The Pacific Ocean killed my phone battery, because it was in my pocket and I forgot it was there. My parents were not pleased.
In the meanwhile, I made an appointment for CAPS, but it wasn’t for another two weeks.
One night, my roommate was out for the evening (I don’t remember why, I think she was in the library or something) and I was sitting in my room feeling sucky. And that night, I thought “fuck it, why don’t I just do it?”, and so I ran out of my dorm room, intending to walk to the cliffs in the night and jump off.
It was a cold night. I started to leave the campus, but then I forced myself to walk around campus instead. After a walk around the campus, I went back to my dorm room, and called the suicide hotline on Skype (again, no phone). The person on the other end was nice.
Started seeing the psychiatrist over at UCSD. During this time, I began to research various methods that were used to commit suicide — Tylenol poisoning, aspirin poisoning, carbon monoxide poisoning, hanging…
One day, I was walking around campus, utterly depressed. The night before I was tempted to commit suicide again, this time with a rope that somehow made its way inside my bag when I moved in. My plan was to hang myself in the wardrobe with the door shut, and I didn’t care whether my roommate would find my body or not, I just wanted to die. I even thought of a day and everything; I remember thinking that I would die on Wednesday. Walking around campus, I could look at the railings on the upper floors of the lecture halls and imagine myself jumping off the railings and falling down to the floor with a splat. I was convinced that no one would ever give a shit, so why bother?
That day I told the psychiatrist what I was thinking. I don’t know why, but I was tempted to say something. Maybe it was because I wanted attention, I don’t know.
In either case, they found out that I had been diagnosed with hypothyroidism, had no meds, and sent me to do blood tests. It turned out to be pretty bad, with a really high TSH count.
Then they put me on levothyroxine to treat the hypothyroidism.
Eventually I started to feel better. I now have a therapist (which reminds me, I need to make an appointment for October) who is going to help me in the long term, and I haven’t thought suicidal thoughts for a long while.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I think the only reason I said this now was because I want to let you know that I understand and that I care? I don’t know.
But there’s no shame in asking for help. It’s only the first step towards recovery.
*gives moar hugs because depression suicidal thoughts suck balls*
Alice and Ally – all the hugs.
Nthing the words, Ally: call a hotline! That’s what they’re there for.
@Ally
I’m so sorry you’re going through that. You never have to second guess yourself on asking for help. I hope sleep helps anyway. All the love going your way.
Ha! Having chronic pain really fucks with your assessment of pain. I had a couple of episodes of excruciating pain a few years ago. Spasms so bad I couldn’t move – and when I forced myself to move to go to the loo, I threw up. Nursedaughter made a surprise return from London visit because of this.
Of course, she asked all the standard nurse type questions including the “number” question. I thought it was probably an 8. Then she put it all together and suggested (if shouting can be described as suggesting) that if pain is bad enough to make you throw up then 10 is the only option.
My own suspicion is that the number scale is really only useful for people whose normal day in day out pain rating would be 2 or less. Most of us “judge” by comparing to our usual condition. Anyone who constantly juggles 4, 5 and 6 levels can’t make a sensible judgment on that scale. If that usual condition is one that most people are unfamiliar with, we’ll give a misleading response to that standardised scale.
I’ve replenished the big barrel o’ hugs, and anyone who needs one should just feel free — or if you have extras, you can drop them in there. All kinds of hugs: reserved Scandihoovian hugs, big bear hugs, non-contact air hugs, even some arm squeezes in there too.
And Ally, please do call the hotline. Even if you’re not currently feeling suicidal, if you think those thoughts will come back call and ask what to do when they do. (Which might be just, “Call the hotline!”)
Alice, Ally, anybody else — I’ve never had suicidal thoughts, but I want to say that you are not alone, you don’t have to do life by yourself*, and I’m sending you nice warm Internet blankets.
Also baby. I’ve got more photos but they’re not uploading at the moment. ??
i can’t give much advice about suicide, but I don’t think that the hotline people would tell you that your problem isn’t severe enough. There are lots of people who feel suicidal, most of them probably depressed, and depression doesn’t only strike people in awful situations. (not that I’m saying your situation isn’t shitty; I’m saying someone can have a supportive, financially well off family and STILL wind up suicidal because of depression)
okay, actually I just remembered what I did when I was feeling suicidal. Normally it’s watch something completely distracting, like a movie or tv show. That is how I deal with lots of my stress, if anyone’s been keeping track. ;). I’ve also gone on walks when it was because of my feeling not-in-control of my life (I was living w/ my parents because I was young) and going on walks let me choose what I was doing, at least it seemed like.
@Alice Sanguinaria
I just wanted to say, that is like almost exactly how my depression manifested it’self for the longest time. I thought I was just lazy.
@nonserviam
Nothing like that (luckily?) I do tend to get mood swings of extreme normal emotion (happy, excite, w/e) and then back down to mellow/ sad/ apathy when my meds are working.
@Ally S
All the internet hugs you want 🙁 I’ve never called a hotline, but I would assume there’s nothing wrong with calling one.
@Alice
Yes.^ Also, jedi hugs for you, too, alice, if you want them.
So much this. Internet hugs to all who want/need them. http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lfslplGfzW1qgu8o5o1_500.gif
For those of you who ever wonder about whether calling a support service is “worth it”, a friend of mine was a supervisor of a Lifeline group. Her advice would be to call. They’d much rather talk someone through their feelings half a dozen times than need to call out emergency services once for someone who’s left it until the very last.
(I might add if she’s typical of the service they’re truly admirable. She’s never told me a single word, hint or inference of anything she’s ever heard from or about callers, just a bit of indirect discussion about organising volunteers – once. She hardly mentions it at all.)
The vulva brander has been arrested, and the search warrant on that arrest led to subsequent rearrest for a charge of bestiality.