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My Seed Is Gold: A Saruman-esque Dramatic Reading

Saruman contemplating his Holy Yogurt
Saruman contemplating his Holy Yogurt

The dude who reads ridiculous man rants on the Internet in a voice vaguely resembling that of legendary actor Christopher Lee as Saruman has brought us all a little gift this morning: A nearly ten-minute dramatic reading of “My Seed is Liquid Fucking Gold” by LaidNYC.

Now all we need to do is to convince the dude who does those True Facts videos to do one.

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Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

So, that list? I had to inquire of Sir Pecunium. And, well, he’s never been a firefighter.

But this dude’s ancestors did it so obviously he’s cooler than Sir Pecunium (who really can do everything you can do, but better [except math ^.^ ])

kittehserf
7 years ago

Biot – Sir Christopher did Death’s voice?

::swoons::

Cassandra – this guy is like a reversal of the Grandfather Paradox (the one where you go back and kill your grandfather before your parent was conceived: who did the killing?). GoldSpooge would have his ancestor wanting to go back to their virgin days and take a vow of chastity.

neuroticbeagle
7 years ago

or have a vasectomy. all of the fun none of the…gold.

kittehserf
7 years ago

It just struck me that this twit might be related to Stan of the People’s Front of Judea.

Reg: They’ve bled us white, the bastards. They’ve taken everything we had, not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers’ fathers.

Stan: And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers.

Reg: Yes.

Stan: And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers’ fathers.

Reg: All right, Stan. Don’t labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?

sparky
sparky
7 years ago

(Thank you all for the welcome and the Welcome Package. I had no idea the bath towels were so oppressive. I just bought them to dry off with after the shower. Perhaps I should replace them with a more man-friendly version for my husband? Like, I don’t know, animal hides or tree bark or something?)

I find the metaphors confusing. Is his semen liquid gold, holy yogurt, or crystal meth? Cause, if its crystal meth, than judging from the “Faces of Meth” project, it’s a toxic substance that everyone needs to stay far, far away from.

And, as Catfish points out, he gets half of those golden gametes from his mom. Does that make her, like, the goose that laid the golden eggs?

And is holy yogurt made from milk from holy cows?

And why did he have to drag poor, innocent pizza into this mess?

kittehserf
7 years ago

“Does that make her, like, the goose that laid the golden eggs?”

::dies::

See, you’ve been oppressing your poor husband with misandrist towels and never knew it! Which just shows how evil feminism has taken over the world.

He’ll need bark or animal hides at the very least. Probably just some gravel for him to scrape himself dry on, because Manly Man Menz Skin dries for nothing less. Even though Manly Menz are so delicate they can be oppressed by towels. And hard chairs. And candles.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
7 years ago

Ugh. I like pizza, don’t ruin it by associating it with this guy’s spooge.

Also I have to point out that if he means mozzerella the texture is all wrong.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Isn’t cheesy discharge generally, um, antibiotic worthy?

And real men drip dry! Naked! While hunting mammoth!

kittehserf
7 years ago

They hunt down the mammoth and then roll around on the still-warm corpse to get dry!

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

I read that as in and thought “but entrails won’t get you dry…just gross”!

Catfish
Catfish
7 years ago

My family history consists of farmers, farmers, farmers and farmers.
I ended up a scientist.

sparky
sparky
7 years ago

kittehserf, the tree bark and gravel I can provide, I looked around, but unfortunately the only animal hides I can find are attached to the (still living) dogs. I don’t really want to sacrifice the poor animals to the needs of the almighty y chromosome, so he’s just going to have to content himself with drying off with live chihuahuas. Or, as Argenti Aertherii suggested, make him run around hunting a mammoth to get dry. Does that make me a ball-busting feminist bitch? Cool. I always wanted to be one of those.

CassandraSays, I am also peeved he had to mention pizza. And yogurt. I haven’t quite been able to bring myself to face my usual breakfast of yogurt and fruit after reading this. I hope the queesy feeling fades soon.

kittehserf
7 years ago

So manly menz are reduced to this, drying themselves on live chiahuahuas! Oh how feminism has destroyed the Palaeolithic civilisation!

Argenti – I was thinking before they really start ripping the hide open! 😀 Though a Manly Man wouldn’t be afraid of a few intestines.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Eh, only a Manly Man who’s never dealt with freshly dead intestines strewn about (thank you plec, I really wanted to clean up loach entrails upon getting home from the law firm from hell)

eumenidis
eumenidis
7 years ago

@Buttercup Q. Skullpants – Very true, though considering the lack of logic & coherence in his maunderings, it’s hard to tell whether he’s talking about some of the contributions of men in the past as a whole or his actual ancestors.

House Mouse Queen
7 years ago

OMFG! This is hilarious. My eggs are in the mines of Moria and YOU CANNOT PASS!!!

booburry
7 years ago

Omfg you don’t realize how long this dude’s screed was until you listen to 9 minutes of it out loud.

Jessay (@jessay)
7 years ago

“AND EVEN CHEFS!”

Nitram
Nitram
7 years ago

Catfish:
“My family history consists of farmers, farmers, farmers and farmers.
I ended up a scientist.”

Awesome! That cracked me up. Hey, let’s all do this!

I have the genetic lineage of railroad workers, housewives, alcoholics, engineers, cashiers, photographers, English teachers and even phlebotomists!

pecunium
7 years ago

I have the genetic lineage of farmers, sharecroppers, booksellers, bank tellers, soldiers, marines, shepherds, slaves, serfs, phlebotomists, smiths, millers, hunters, spinners, potters, weavers, pharmacists and criminals.

dustydeste
dustydeste
7 years ago

Hey so the thread is dead, long live the thread and all, but I just figured that this would be the most appropriate place to share my grand vision of LIQUID FUCKING GOLD… (by “grand vision” I mean “bit out of Oglaf that I played with in GIMP,” but still)

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

And out of context it isn’t gross! Nicely done!

Let’s see, it recent history I have the lineage of…

Postal workers
Alcoholics (and assorted undiagnosised crazies, genes which my nuts ass got [pun intended])
Legal clerks // secretaries // everything else that needed done
Health insurance processors (the people you call with issues)
Blacksmiths
Military
Seamstresses
TV repair (w00t for learning to fix electronics when I was young! [and how to sew])
Homemakers
Immigrants who never learned English but some how got by anyways
Miners

My generation of cousins we’ve got a plumber (my brother), a fashion designer, teacher (former military, GI bill education), lactation counsellor, real estate agent, legal clerk. And my assorted arts and aquatics.

Go back a millennium and I’ve lineages of English nobility. So I win! (English records are awesome sauce where nobility is concerned, gotta ensure the barons and lords are legit after all)