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Pickup artist: “My seed is liquid gold and I don’t give it out like its god damn tap water.”

LaidInNYC has definitely been here.
LaidInNYC has definitely been here.

Our friend LaidNYC — the “Don’t Marry Women Over 25“ guy — is back with another amazing post. In this one, he expounds at length on the worth of his sperm. Which is apparently ALOT.

ALOT

Sorry. A LOT.

Let’s let him explain:

I don’t give a shit about sex.  Any broad can spread her legs.

You know what I do care about?  Holding girls to a higher standard.

Why?  Because my seed is liquid fucking gold and I don’t give it out like its god damn tap water.

And … I’ve already lost my appetite for dinner.

I got news for you girls.  For a guy with any clue, finding sex is as easy as finding a pizzeria in New York, and like pizza in New York, its all pretty fucking good.

Wait. I take that back. Pizza sounds good.

Sex is everywhere and anywhere I want it, I don’t give a shit about yours.

It takes more than a nice curve of the ass or a bat of the eyelashes to earn my seed.

This last sentence is even more awesome if you imagine it being read aloud by Morgan Freeman.

Huh? Am I right or what?

Oh, but it gets better. Read the next paragraph in the voice of your favorite somber-voiced actor:

My salty essence and genetic code is a gift from my father, and his father, and his father, and on it goes.  Its the sticky genetic code of self-sufficient men who have protected and provided for family, women and children.  Its the haplogroup of men who built civilization.  I have the genetic lineage of warriors, business owners, firefighters, blacksmiths, farmers, herders, poets, politicians, soldiers, artists and even chefs.  Hard jobs that help build the world, thinking jobs that help build a culture, they’ve all been done by men in my bloodline.  My ceiling for accomplishment is limitless.

And yet your great accomplishment is writing overheated, inadvertently hilarious, paeans to your spooge on the internet.

I’m not some average guy begging to give my seed away.  My seed is valuable and I know it.

Men of lesser genetics may be able to afford spraying their seed anywhere; I allow myself no such atrocities.

My sperm could populate an entire society of strong good looking altruistic people and any girl who takes it in would be lucky to be a vessel towards that new world.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha.

Also, since when are the gals you’re casually hooking up with looking to have babies with you? I mean, don’t you want this precious sperm of yours to have pretty much zero contact with her babymaking equipment? Also, you know, safe sex?

Whether or not our sex is intended to end in pregnancy makes no difference.  Just the sheer fact that it could makes me demand the same high price.

Ohhh. That makes sense. By which I mean “no sense.”

You better have enviable genetics yourself- I don’t breed with inferior stock.  Beauty is the minimum and you better know how important that is.  Long hair grown to impress me, healthy diet and exercise to maintain your figure and viability of your eggs.

Slow down a minute, Darwin. I’m pretty sure that the length of a woman’s hair has nothing to do with her genetic “worth.” Also, there’s not really much evidence to suggest that exercise helps to increase a woman’s fertility; and some even suggests that too much exercise can reduce it.

But the beauty that draws the stares, stutters and drools of lesser men won’t capture my attention for more than a millisecond.

Really? Because when I read LaidNYC I picture a dude who spends a lot of his time drooling.

I expect impeccable hygiene and classy style.  A body tainted by tattoos and excessive piercings and slutty clothing signals you are available for sex to lesser men than myself.  I’ll have none of that.

Only freshly showered nuns for him!

I demand a low N count to show you value your body and sex, and the seed I am about to give you will be appreciated on the level it deserves.  A low N count shows both intelligence and confidence as you are smart enough not to give your body to charlatans and scoundrels, and confident enough to wait for the high value man you know you deserve.

How exactly do you figure that a dude writing a 9,000-word* screed on the awesomeness of his man juice on the internet fits into the category of “high value men?”

I expect manners and grace.  No swearing, drunkenness, burping, sarcasm or anything else unbecoming of a lady.  I spend a lot of time working with and competing against men in my daily life, the last thing I need is the company of a woman who acts like the men I must compete with.  You exist to soothe, not to grate.

Wait, wait, wait. You work with guys who compete with you by swearing, getting drunk, and burping a lot? What sort of job do you have, exactly?

A year from now I will be richer and fitter and more socially respected in the Kingdom, but your beauty will have faded a notch.  I demand that you treat me with the humility and respect that this biological reality dictates.

I suspect the only Kingdom he’s respected in is the Kingdom Up His Own Ass.

Ok, a bit of a warning here, LaidNYC is about to get all jizz-on-the-face on us all:

Finally, there is nothing I despise more than a woman who shows any disgust for my jizz.

It is the Royal Essence and you better enjoy every last drop.

If it lands on your face, chest or back, consider it raindrops from heaven, a rope of Holy Yogurt.

Holy Yogurt, Batman!

Again, give this shit the Morgan Freeman treatment for maximum effect.

If you are lucky enough to get it in your mouth, savor it like the nourishing nectar of the Gods.

If I shoot it inside you consider it the greatest compliment of all.  You will feel an immediate buzz.

My jizz is to women what Walter White’s pure blue meth is to junkies.

Hey, I’m only caught up to season 3 of Breaking Bad. NO SPOILERS PLEASE.

You’ll take my seed, sweetly tell me “thank you sir” and buzz with happy feminine energy for the next day while you iron my fine shirts and indulge in memories of me.

Wait, so you only date women who work at the dry cleaners?

Some girls don’t want to respect a man that much.  They have been poisoned by feminism or never had a strong male figure to look up to growing up or they have already taken far too high a volume of cock to revere their next one.

How exactly do you measure volume of cock? Do you have to use the metric system? I don’t really understand the metric system.

I have no use for those girls.  Even a one-night stand with them is worthless beyond the ten-second orgasm, itself not worth the time spent to get it. Leave them for the men who have a low enough opinion of themselves to not demand such respect.

For guys, I don’t give a shit how many girls you’ve fucked just like I don’t give a shit how many pizzerias you’ve eaten at.  A man is measured more by the pizzeria’s he refuses to eat at, the prices he refuses to pay for average pizza, if you know what I mean.

Yes, that’s right.

A MAN IS MEASURED BY THE PRICE HE REFUSES TO PAY FOR AVERAGE PIZZA.

I wonder if LaidNYC gets into arguments with pizza delivery guys all the time.

Remember, you set the price of your seed.

Mine is fucking gold.

Yet somehow I suspect alot of it ends up on wadded-up kleenex.

ALOT

Sorry.  A lot.

* I can’t count.

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serrana
serrana
11 years ago

Jezetroll is pretending to be French. Oh, and have I shown you a picture of my next car? I will drive it every day and think of Manboobz and the good times. (Seriously, I really want one of these.)

melody
11 years ago

I always hate the “I come from a long line of ______”. Because what do their accomplishments have to do with you?

If you father is a senator and you are a know nothing twit…….I’m just saying.

All of our ancestors managed to reproduce and successfully survive over the years….that doesn’t say anything about ability to do so.

Chaos Engineer
Chaos Engineer
11 years ago

My salty essence and genetic code is a gift from my father, and his father, and his father, and on it goes

One day this person will learn about mitochondrial DNA and this knowledge will destroy him.

moldybrehd
11 years ago

Hard jobs that help build the world

First time I read that, I thought it was ‘Hand jobs that help build the world’, and I thought *finally*, some self-awareness. And then I realized I’d misread it….

entropistanon
11 years ago

@melody: Exactly what I was saying above. They want the glory without actually doing any of the work. And then these same idiots have the nerve to criticize victims of violence for not taking “responsibility”. That’s what REALLY ticks me off – that completely backwards definition of what one should and should not be responsible for.

SpleenyBaggage
SpleenyBaggage
11 years ago

I want to hear this screed boomed out by the giant floating head from Zardoz:

lightcastle
lightcastle
11 years ago

ZARDOZ is my father’s favourite movie.

It is possible that when he told me this, he was joking.

kittehserf
11 years ago

Hmm.

If notlaidinNYC was wanking at the keyboard, does that make him GoldFinger or GoldMember?

And all those ancestors’ jobs he brags about – all those are women’s jobs, too.

dustydeste
dustydeste
11 years ago

Oh ZARDOZ <3 Mainstay of the bad movie night I went to every Friday in college. It's what we used to weed out the faint of heart.

TBH I can't see the giant head spewing those lines, given that the mantra of the giant head is "THE GUN IS GOOD, THE PENIS IS EVIL"

(Trust me, the caps are necessary)

kittehserf
11 years ago

That sure sounds like Pell having another troll fail at Jezebel. I’m surprised he didn’t try telling them how he’s a doctor and has had so many women and blah, blah …

I loved this comment about trolly’s pathetic English: “Are you a Nigierian [sic] prince who needs a foreign national to help him collect his inheritance? “

Cthulhu's Intern
11 years ago

Just imagine the guy from Killer Instinct who said stuff like “ULTRAAAAAAAA COMBOOOOOOO!” and “C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!” reading this. You’re welcome.

dustydeste
dustydeste
11 years ago

Kittehs – That was my favorite comment as well. Perfection, truly.

serrana
serrana
11 years ago

I still hear William Shatner when I read LaidInNYC. Maybe it’s because I heard this driving home yesterday.

There’s also a live version over here: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5m76m_william-shatner-sings-pulp-common-p_music

Cthulhu's Intern
11 years ago

@serrana: But everyone knows that Shatner gives his seed exclusively to mountains.

cloudiah
11 years ago

So I wandered over to AVfM to see if they’ve announced when Elam’s appearance on 20/20 will air (no word yet that I could see), and I see they have an article about bitcoin being the downfall of feminism.

I can’t be bothered to read it, but the idea just struck me as hi-lar-ious.

Oh also, JudgyBitch has written yet another pedo-apology screed.

Finally, the discussion of the “liquid gold” post over at The Blue Pill is pretty hilarious.

grumpycatisagirl
grumpycatisagirl
11 years ago

Heh. Going to a Voice for Men for the exact same reason, I saw that Bitcoin thing too and almost mentioned it here. I didn’t read the article but I did notice in one place it said feminism’s *stated* goal was destroying families. Not that I know how that has anything to do with the author’s Bitcoin angle but I know I haven’t personally ever stated my goal was destroying families. . . .

kittehserf
11 years ago

cloudiah – just reading the Blue Pill and OMG “Schroedinger’s Schlong.” Love it.

KatZombie
KatZombie
11 years ago

All I can think of are these Velveeta commericlals. I’ll take velveeta over your “liquid gold” anyday, LaidinNYC.
http://youtu.be/kMXbApqTSgo

yaoi huntress earth
yaoi huntress earth
11 years ago

Actually, I think Uncle from Jackie Chan Adventures would be a fun choice.

baileyrenee
baileyrenee
11 years ago

This is a joke, right?



… Right?

LBT
LBT
11 years ago

RE: Christian – Alles Evolution

In a way, it does: Long hair is a window to the past, giving informations about how healthy and well nourished she was.

Then why isn’t long hair treasured in men? (Also, ew, of all the webcomics to choose from for your icon…)

baileyrenee
baileyrenee
11 years ago

@LBT

Well, it should be. I like me a long haired man.

baileyrenee
baileyrenee
11 years ago

Oh shit I didn’t leave the beautiful link!

http://headbangerguys.tumblr.com

kittehserf
11 years ago

In a way, it does: Long hair is a window to the past, giving informations about how healthy and well nourished she was.

Whereas short hair indicates … um … that she likes a short haircut?

Length says nothing about health. It’s the condition of the hair that counts. This twit’s obviously never looked at long hair that hasn’t been cut in years and is dry, brittle and generally not healthy. Also, cutting makes a big difference in how thick or healthy long hair looks.

LBT
LBT
11 years ago

Yeah, I don’t know what that driveby guy was on about. I keep my hair short because I prefer it that way. Hubby has a huge seventies mane to his shoulders, and looks fab with it. Admittedly, he DOES have truly impressive hair, but apparently he had it buzzed short when he was a young tool. It’s not like I cut my hair with the thought, “Ah! I must conceal my poor health!” (Thankfully, the ED didn’t progress enough to show in my hair.)

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