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Pickup artist: “My seed is liquid gold and I don’t give it out like its god damn tap water.”

LaidInNYC has definitely been here.
LaidInNYC has definitely been here.

Our friend LaidNYC — the “Don’t Marry Women Over 25“ guy — is back with another amazing post. In this one, he expounds at length on the worth of his sperm. Which is apparently ALOT.

ALOT

Sorry. A LOT.

Let’s let him explain:

I don’t give a shit about sex.  Any broad can spread her legs.

You know what I do care about?  Holding girls to a higher standard.

Why?  Because my seed is liquid fucking gold and I don’t give it out like its god damn tap water.

And … I’ve already lost my appetite for dinner.

I got news for you girls.  For a guy with any clue, finding sex is as easy as finding a pizzeria in New York, and like pizza in New York, its all pretty fucking good.

Wait. I take that back. Pizza sounds good.

Sex is everywhere and anywhere I want it, I don’t give a shit about yours.

It takes more than a nice curve of the ass or a bat of the eyelashes to earn my seed.

This last sentence is even more awesome if you imagine it being read aloud by Morgan Freeman.

Huh? Am I right or what?

Oh, but it gets better. Read the next paragraph in the voice of your favorite somber-voiced actor:

My salty essence and genetic code is a gift from my father, and his father, and his father, and on it goes.  Its the sticky genetic code of self-sufficient men who have protected and provided for family, women and children.  Its the haplogroup of men who built civilization.  I have the genetic lineage of warriors, business owners, firefighters, blacksmiths, farmers, herders, poets, politicians, soldiers, artists and even chefs.  Hard jobs that help build the world, thinking jobs that help build a culture, they’ve all been done by men in my bloodline.  My ceiling for accomplishment is limitless.

And yet your great accomplishment is writing overheated, inadvertently hilarious, paeans to your spooge on the internet.

I’m not some average guy begging to give my seed away.  My seed is valuable and I know it.

Men of lesser genetics may be able to afford spraying their seed anywhere; I allow myself no such atrocities.

My sperm could populate an entire society of strong good looking altruistic people and any girl who takes it in would be lucky to be a vessel towards that new world.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha.

Also, since when are the gals you’re casually hooking up with looking to have babies with you? I mean, don’t you want this precious sperm of yours to have pretty much zero contact with her babymaking equipment? Also, you know, safe sex?

Whether or not our sex is intended to end in pregnancy makes no difference.  Just the sheer fact that it could makes me demand the same high price.

Ohhh. That makes sense. By which I mean “no sense.”

You better have enviable genetics yourself- I don’t breed with inferior stock.  Beauty is the minimum and you better know how important that is.  Long hair grown to impress me, healthy diet and exercise to maintain your figure and viability of your eggs.

Slow down a minute, Darwin. I’m pretty sure that the length of a woman’s hair has nothing to do with her genetic “worth.” Also, there’s not really much evidence to suggest that exercise helps to increase a woman’s fertility; and some even suggests that too much exercise can reduce it.

But the beauty that draws the stares, stutters and drools of lesser men won’t capture my attention for more than a millisecond.

Really? Because when I read LaidNYC I picture a dude who spends a lot of his time drooling.

I expect impeccable hygiene and classy style.  A body tainted by tattoos and excessive piercings and slutty clothing signals you are available for sex to lesser men than myself.  I’ll have none of that.

Only freshly showered nuns for him!

I demand a low N count to show you value your body and sex, and the seed I am about to give you will be appreciated on the level it deserves.  A low N count shows both intelligence and confidence as you are smart enough not to give your body to charlatans and scoundrels, and confident enough to wait for the high value man you know you deserve.

How exactly do you figure that a dude writing a 9,000-word* screed on the awesomeness of his man juice on the internet fits into the category of “high value men?”

I expect manners and grace.  No swearing, drunkenness, burping, sarcasm or anything else unbecoming of a lady.  I spend a lot of time working with and competing against men in my daily life, the last thing I need is the company of a woman who acts like the men I must compete with.  You exist to soothe, not to grate.

Wait, wait, wait. You work with guys who compete with you by swearing, getting drunk, and burping a lot? What sort of job do you have, exactly?

A year from now I will be richer and fitter and more socially respected in the Kingdom, but your beauty will have faded a notch.  I demand that you treat me with the humility and respect that this biological reality dictates.

I suspect the only Kingdom he’s respected in is the Kingdom Up His Own Ass.

Ok, a bit of a warning here, LaidNYC is about to get all jizz-on-the-face on us all:

Finally, there is nothing I despise more than a woman who shows any disgust for my jizz.

It is the Royal Essence and you better enjoy every last drop.

If it lands on your face, chest or back, consider it raindrops from heaven, a rope of Holy Yogurt.

Holy Yogurt, Batman!

Again, give this shit the Morgan Freeman treatment for maximum effect.

If you are lucky enough to get it in your mouth, savor it like the nourishing nectar of the Gods.

If I shoot it inside you consider it the greatest compliment of all.  You will feel an immediate buzz.

My jizz is to women what Walter White’s pure blue meth is to junkies.

Hey, I’m only caught up to season 3 of Breaking Bad. NO SPOILERS PLEASE.

You’ll take my seed, sweetly tell me “thank you sir” and buzz with happy feminine energy for the next day while you iron my fine shirts and indulge in memories of me.

Wait, so you only date women who work at the dry cleaners?

Some girls don’t want to respect a man that much.  They have been poisoned by feminism or never had a strong male figure to look up to growing up or they have already taken far too high a volume of cock to revere their next one.

How exactly do you measure volume of cock? Do you have to use the metric system? I don’t really understand the metric system.

I have no use for those girls.  Even a one-night stand with them is worthless beyond the ten-second orgasm, itself not worth the time spent to get it. Leave them for the men who have a low enough opinion of themselves to not demand such respect.

For guys, I don’t give a shit how many girls you’ve fucked just like I don’t give a shit how many pizzerias you’ve eaten at.  A man is measured more by the pizzeria’s he refuses to eat at, the prices he refuses to pay for average pizza, if you know what I mean.

Yes, that’s right.

A MAN IS MEASURED BY THE PRICE HE REFUSES TO PAY FOR AVERAGE PIZZA.

I wonder if LaidNYC gets into arguments with pizza delivery guys all the time.

Remember, you set the price of your seed.

Mine is fucking gold.

Yet somehow I suspect alot of it ends up on wadded-up kleenex.

ALOT

Sorry.  A lot.

* I can’t count.

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dlouwe
dlouwe
11 years ago

For those of you who’ve played any of the Diablo games (and have some time on your hands), why not let Deckard Cain have a ponderous read through LaidInNYC’s screed?

Also regarding that facebook image, people trying to view it from the outside and twist it into an indication of emotional abuse is pretty damn insulting as a person who has gone through it. Some more appropriate rewards would be “Allowed to visit your family for Sunday dinner without me making you late”, or “Free time to yourself without me there to watch you”, or “One week without me testing your commitment to me”. Except the chart would have no stickers on it because there was nothing I could do to merit them. Catering to her was already expected, and the only reward there was the illusion that it’d delay the next crisis/freakout/fake breakup/tantrum I’d have to solve.

A manipulative person doesn’t use bribes and rewards to get what they want – they strip away at who you are until you think that being left with any part of that *is* a reward, and then they make you *fight* for it.

Michael Søndberg Olsen

Oh, dlouwe, thanks for bringing up Deckard Cain. Now, I’ll have nightmares of fake-Connery telling me to stay a while… and listen…to him masturbating.

Cynickal
Cynickal
11 years ago

Things I have not yet done with my life #124459760 Published my Manseed Manifesto

cloudiah
11 years ago

Someone just sent me this on FB and I have to share:
an adorable 3-legged kitty wearing assorted hats.

melody
melody
11 years ago

I’m so glad to find out that woman kind exists “to soothe, not to grate.”
I’ve been living my life ALL wrong. I must never say/do anything that might grate on the males in my life because if I do I am going against the purpose of my existence.

“You will feel an immediate buzz.” Is his jizz made of alcohol?

“You’ll take my seed, sweetly tell me “thank you sir” and buzz with happy feminine energy for the next day while you iron my fine shirts and indulge in memories of me” more lesson on my purpose as a woman. I am being very educated! I’ll keep your home nice and cozy and gleefully have sex with you anywhere and anytime you want sir. I will never have a bad day because you happiness is all that matters to me right?

Question….Does he think he is going to get virgins in these one night stands???? Like seriously.

Michael Søndberg Olsen

I don’t even get the obsession some of these guys have with virginity. Just… why?

Karalora
11 years ago

@Ally S,

Better yet, how much you want to bet that little pimple thinks “jokes” about abusing women are just (freeze) peachy? I bet he laughs at “Nothing, you already told her twice” every time, and demands that any women who are made uncomfortable “lighten up.”

carswell
carswell
11 years ago

My salty essence and genetic code is a gift from my father, and his father, and his father, and on it goes. Its the sticky genetic code of self-sufficient men who have protected and provided for family, women and children. Its the haplogroup of men who built civilization. I have the genetic lineage of warriors, business owners, firefighters, blacksmiths, farmers, herders, poets, politicians, soldiers, artists and even chefs. Hard jobs that help build the world, thinking jobs that help build a culture, they’ve all been done by men in my bloodline.

Uh huh. And in all those centuries of breeding not a single woman contributed an iota of genetic material.

PHULEEEZE.

sakurabelle
11 years ago

“I expect manners and grace. No […] burping,”

So he can’t even accept women who are biological beings? Is this hypothetical woman also not supposed to use the toilet?

melody
melody
11 years ago

So he can’t even accept women who are biological beings? Is this hypothetical woman also not supposed to use the toilet?

Of course she can. However, if they live together she should walk to another building to defecate. And of course she can’t dispose of her tampons/pads there either because that would be gross.

Michael Søndberg Olsen

Sakurabelle, no they have to be dainty fuckin’ flowers. Human beings? What are those? Gahh.. the more I think about this, the angrier I get. What these guys want is a line of sexdolls. Have they ever, ever, met a woman, any of them?

HM
HM
11 years ago

I’m too aghast here to say anything but: It’s Morgan Freeman, not Freedman.

Mongoose
Mongoose
11 years ago

Has anyone seen the comments on that blog? It’s kind of sickening the way they talk about “getting them young” so they have low n-counts.

kittehserf
11 years ago

markb – I knew about XXXX beer (trivia: Pratchett calls his version of Australia Fourecks) but not that it had a Gold variety. 😀

bekabot – Christopher Lee was one of the first suggestions. I want to see him do it and not be able to stop laughing.

Falconer – d’awww babies, sitting up and getting so big!

cloudiah – D’AWWWW Maxwell and Pepper! (Sorry Falconer, kittens always get the biggest d’awwww)

Michael – prolly on top of all the women-as-unused-property shit going back centuries, these cretins quake in their boots at the idea of a woman with experience, because she’ll likely know what she likes, and be able to compare them with other men. She might say “do this” or “no, I don’t like that,” or for that matter “I don’t do that.” She might just know what an orgasm is and expect to have one (although granted, they’re rare for women in one-night-stands, even with considerate partners). Yes, PUAs should be afraid of experienced women. Their selfish sexual incompetence would be all too clear.

hellkell
hellkell
11 years ago

This has been picked up by Jezebel.

serrana
serrana
11 years ago

“I’m pretty sure that the length of a woman’s hair has nothing to do with her genetic “worth.””

In a way, it does: Long hair is a window to the past, giving informations about how healthy and well nourished she was.

This is like Wrong and Wrong got together and had a whole bunch of wrong babies.

Also, William Shatner.

Off to Jezebel now to check it out.

hellkell
hellkell
11 years ago

The commenters there drove off a troll with the power of bunnies. It was awesome.

serrana
serrana
11 years ago

I was just reading that thread, hellkell.

Here’s the post, y’all: http://jezebel.com/one-mans-ode-to-his-liquid-fucking-gold-sperm-1256901073

cloudiah
11 years ago

I couldn’t find the bunnies. I HATE Jezebel’s commenting system.

serrana
serrana
11 years ago

Try this, cloudiah – http://jezebel.com/so-having-standards-in-a-lady-is-patriarchy-sorry-but-1257715486 *crosses fingers*

Also, I think the troll is one of ours. He writes, “You’re jealous because I have means in the capitalistic world that I can take advantage off and you’re still living in some post-communist or rather marxist world bemoaning the state of the bourgeois.” Who is that, do you think?

cloudiah
11 years ago

That worked, thanks!

No pig farmer, I’d have guys cheering me on because they thing like I do not like you’d like the world to think. Go and farm your pigs now. You have no dignity to talk to an aristocrat like me.

Claims to be wealthy, insults others as pig farmers. Pell, is that you?

Also this is my favorite GIF from the thread.

hellkell
hellkell
11 years ago

I LOLd at trollboy yanking down his reddit info. BUSTED.

Bob Goblin
Bob Goblin
11 years ago

” I have the genetic lineage of warriors, business owners, firefighters, blacksmiths, farmers, herders, poets, politicians, soldiers, artists and even chefs. Hard jobs that help build the world, thinking jobs that help build a culture, they’ve all been done by men in my bloodline. ”

Hurm… this would be true of many, if not most, women in the world, as well. Surely, some of those men had daughters? Do PUAs have no understanding of how genetics actually works?

Also, why did I read that essay as the self-aggrandizing screed of a guy who doesn’t get laid very much?

HM
HM
11 years ago

My ceiling for accomplishment is limitless…and yet I’m posting on a blog about pickup artistry.

The thing that pisses me off the most here is that he can’t even handle a woman who’s sarcastic. WTF, loser?

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