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Pickup artist: “My seed is liquid gold and I don’t give it out like its god damn tap water.”

LaidInNYC has definitely been here.
LaidInNYC has definitely been here.

Our friend LaidNYC — the “Don’t Marry Women Over 25“ guy — is back with another amazing post. In this one, he expounds at length on the worth of his sperm. Which is apparently ALOT.

ALOT

Sorry. A LOT.

Let’s let him explain:

I don’t give a shit about sex.  Any broad can spread her legs.

You know what I do care about?  Holding girls to a higher standard.

Why?  Because my seed is liquid fucking gold and I don’t give it out like its god damn tap water.

And … I’ve already lost my appetite for dinner.

I got news for you girls.  For a guy with any clue, finding sex is as easy as finding a pizzeria in New York, and like pizza in New York, its all pretty fucking good.

Wait. I take that back. Pizza sounds good.

Sex is everywhere and anywhere I want it, I don’t give a shit about yours.

It takes more than a nice curve of the ass or a bat of the eyelashes to earn my seed.

This last sentence is even more awesome if you imagine it being read aloud by Morgan Freeman.

Huh? Am I right or what?

Oh, but it gets better. Read the next paragraph in the voice of your favorite somber-voiced actor:

My salty essence and genetic code is a gift from my father, and his father, and his father, and on it goes.  Its the sticky genetic code of self-sufficient men who have protected and provided for family, women and children.  Its the haplogroup of men who built civilization.  I have the genetic lineage of warriors, business owners, firefighters, blacksmiths, farmers, herders, poets, politicians, soldiers, artists and even chefs.  Hard jobs that help build the world, thinking jobs that help build a culture, they’ve all been done by men in my bloodline.  My ceiling for accomplishment is limitless.

And yet your great accomplishment is writing overheated, inadvertently hilarious, paeans to your spooge on the internet.

I’m not some average guy begging to give my seed away.  My seed is valuable and I know it.

Men of lesser genetics may be able to afford spraying their seed anywhere; I allow myself no such atrocities.

My sperm could populate an entire society of strong good looking altruistic people and any girl who takes it in would be lucky to be a vessel towards that new world.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha.

Also, since when are the gals you’re casually hooking up with looking to have babies with you? I mean, don’t you want this precious sperm of yours to have pretty much zero contact with her babymaking equipment? Also, you know, safe sex?

Whether or not our sex is intended to end in pregnancy makes no difference.  Just the sheer fact that it could makes me demand the same high price.

Ohhh. That makes sense. By which I mean “no sense.”

You better have enviable genetics yourself- I don’t breed with inferior stock.  Beauty is the minimum and you better know how important that is.  Long hair grown to impress me, healthy diet and exercise to maintain your figure and viability of your eggs.

Slow down a minute, Darwin. I’m pretty sure that the length of a woman’s hair has nothing to do with her genetic “worth.” Also, there’s not really much evidence to suggest that exercise helps to increase a woman’s fertility; and some even suggests that too much exercise can reduce it.

But the beauty that draws the stares, stutters and drools of lesser men won’t capture my attention for more than a millisecond.

Really? Because when I read LaidNYC I picture a dude who spends a lot of his time drooling.

I expect impeccable hygiene and classy style.  A body tainted by tattoos and excessive piercings and slutty clothing signals you are available for sex to lesser men than myself.  I’ll have none of that.

Only freshly showered nuns for him!

I demand a low N count to show you value your body and sex, and the seed I am about to give you will be appreciated on the level it deserves.  A low N count shows both intelligence and confidence as you are smart enough not to give your body to charlatans and scoundrels, and confident enough to wait for the high value man you know you deserve.

How exactly do you figure that a dude writing a 9,000-word* screed on the awesomeness of his man juice on the internet fits into the category of “high value men?”

I expect manners and grace.  No swearing, drunkenness, burping, sarcasm or anything else unbecoming of a lady.  I spend a lot of time working with and competing against men in my daily life, the last thing I need is the company of a woman who acts like the men I must compete with.  You exist to soothe, not to grate.

Wait, wait, wait. You work with guys who compete with you by swearing, getting drunk, and burping a lot? What sort of job do you have, exactly?

A year from now I will be richer and fitter and more socially respected in the Kingdom, but your beauty will have faded a notch.  I demand that you treat me with the humility and respect that this biological reality dictates.

I suspect the only Kingdom he’s respected in is the Kingdom Up His Own Ass.

Ok, a bit of a warning here, LaidNYC is about to get all jizz-on-the-face on us all:

Finally, there is nothing I despise more than a woman who shows any disgust for my jizz.

It is the Royal Essence and you better enjoy every last drop.

If it lands on your face, chest or back, consider it raindrops from heaven, a rope of Holy Yogurt.

Holy Yogurt, Batman!

Again, give this shit the Morgan Freeman treatment for maximum effect.

If you are lucky enough to get it in your mouth, savor it like the nourishing nectar of the Gods.

If I shoot it inside you consider it the greatest compliment of all.  You will feel an immediate buzz.

My jizz is to women what Walter White’s pure blue meth is to junkies.

Hey, I’m only caught up to season 3 of Breaking Bad. NO SPOILERS PLEASE.

You’ll take my seed, sweetly tell me “thank you sir” and buzz with happy feminine energy for the next day while you iron my fine shirts and indulge in memories of me.

Wait, so you only date women who work at the dry cleaners?

Some girls don’t want to respect a man that much.  They have been poisoned by feminism or never had a strong male figure to look up to growing up or they have already taken far too high a volume of cock to revere their next one.

How exactly do you measure volume of cock? Do you have to use the metric system? I don’t really understand the metric system.

I have no use for those girls.  Even a one-night stand with them is worthless beyond the ten-second orgasm, itself not worth the time spent to get it. Leave them for the men who have a low enough opinion of themselves to not demand such respect.

For guys, I don’t give a shit how many girls you’ve fucked just like I don’t give a shit how many pizzerias you’ve eaten at.  A man is measured more by the pizzeria’s he refuses to eat at, the prices he refuses to pay for average pizza, if you know what I mean.

Yes, that’s right.

A MAN IS MEASURED BY THE PRICE HE REFUSES TO PAY FOR AVERAGE PIZZA.

I wonder if LaidNYC gets into arguments with pizza delivery guys all the time.

Remember, you set the price of your seed.

Mine is fucking gold.

Yet somehow I suspect alot of it ends up on wadded-up kleenex.

ALOT

Sorry.  A lot.

* I can’t count.

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entropistanon
11 years ago

That Daniel Myers guy is seriously reaching about the “abuse” bull he’s pulling. At most, I’d say it’s infantalizing, but even that is INVENTING limbs to go out on…

Redcap
Redcap
11 years ago

Someone get this man a time machine and send him back to the 1800s, as I believe that’s the only place he’s going to find this “gold-standard” woman. While there, I hope he challenges the Queen to a genealogy contest.

Cthulhu's Intern
11 years ago

At first, I thought that was written by his daughter, which made me go all “WTF?” But then I realized that it was from his wife. Really, what ARE they complaining about? That the picture implies that all men want is sex and will do anything for it?
Nah, that’s giving far too much credit to the MRAs.

emilygoddess
emilygoddess
11 years ago

…Davros

That is a thought I wish I could unthink.

Now I’m hearing it in a Dalek voice. “My sperm is liquid gold. Daleks are supreme!”

Falconer
11 years ago

…Davros
That is a thought I wish I could unthink.

Daaaaaaaah!!

Falconer
11 years ago

MASS TUR BAAAAATE!!

(I’m so, so sorry)

cloudiah
11 years ago

That was pretty funny, Falconer. Still, I think you owe us more baby pictures for that.

This is how they connect that FB image to abuse:

Person 1

are you referring to how some people use sex as a tool to manipulate their partner?

Response:

Not really. Yes there is sexual manipulation, but these are clearly the parts intended to be the joke (particularly with the number of award stickers for “BJ!!!”).

There is also portrayal of social isolation (“get out of the house free card”) and economic control (“12 pack of your favorite beer”), which probably WAS NOT intended as part of the joke, yet are probably the more pernicious forms of domestic abuse.

Once you have the victim feeling alone and powerless, no friends, no money, THEN you can escalate to something more obvious. Though since you’ve already shown them, via this sort of public belittling, that no one will take their abuse seriously, you’re good to go!

cloudiah
11 years ago

And the responder goes on:

Oh, I’m not suggesting that she personally is abusive or that their particular relationship is unhealthy, but people in abusive relationships will see this, too.

Current and former abusers will see this “benign” joke and feel validated, and current and former victims will see this “benign” joke and feel isolated.

And it’s not like the feminist talking point about, e.g., rape jokes because I don’t think anyone hears a rape joke and thinks that if your rape someone “as a joke” then it’s funny and not rape, or that if it actually happened it would still be funny. While people really do seem to think that if this type of abuse is presented as funny then it’s not abuse.

HE ALMOST GETS IT AND THEN… “But it’s still totally okay to make rape jokes.”

Sigh.

leftwingfox
11 years ago

(“get out of the house free card”)

It doesn’t say that. It says “Get out of the DOGHOUSE free”. Completely different thing.

Karalora
11 years ago

There is also portrayal of social isolation (“get out of the house free card”)

I hate to rain on their paranoia-parade, but it actually says “Get out of the dog house free.” I guess a “forgiveness voucher” could be considered a little creepy, but hell, even without a chart codifying it, I’m more likely to forgive someone for a slight when they have a history of doing nice things too.

Robert
Robert
11 years ago

Regarding voices – you could have Gilbert Gottfried and Fran Drescher alternate paragraphs.

I have to wonder, though – with all the blather about his genetic superiority, does he expect to actually reproduce? He doesn’t sound very eager to become a father. But then, so many of these MRA types strike me as treating sex as a competitive sport rather than a form of human interaction. And, just to be unkind, I am convinced that he would view cunnilingus as if he had been asked to bob for apples in a bucket of bees.

thebionicmommy
thebionicmommy
11 years ago

The MRA’s are making a false equivalency and it pisses me off. So the husband on the reward chart doesn’t help around the house, and the wife is annoyed to do everything and doesn’t want to give blow jobs. I don’t blame her. Why would she want to be sexually generous with someone who can’t be bothered to lift his finger around the house? Oh, but she’s “withholding” and that’s the same thing as smacking someone around, apparently.

I will agree the chart is infantilizing, but that’s about it. It is nothing like an abusive, controlling relationship.

Another thing, don’t those MRA’s always whine about the Duluth wheel “making a big deal out of nothing”? And the Duluth wheel is telling the truth and showing red flags for abusive relationships. Yet here they are saying a silly chore chart is making light of women abusing men. Well I don’t buy it.

thebionicmommy
thebionicmommy
11 years ago

For voices, I vote for Patrick Stewart.

Falconer
11 years ago

That was pretty funny, Falconer. Still, I think you owe us more baby pictures for that.

Brain bleach.

40 Mule Team.

They are disrespectful to dirt.

cloudiah
11 years ago

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I am appeased.

Falconer
11 years ago

My daughter has started crawling, in a fits-and-starts fashion.

Watch out, world!

Christian - Alles Evolution

“I’m pretty sure that the length of a woman’s hair has nothing to do with her genetic “worth.””

In a way, it does: Long hair is a window to the past, giving informations about how healthy and well nourished she was.

entropistanon
11 years ago

@Falconer: If she turns out to be a conqueror, my empire will be in danger…

inurashii
inurashii
11 years ago

Oh, but it gets better. Read the next paragraph in the voice of your favorite somber-voiced actor:

Wally Shaun.

amidoinitrite

DiscordiaBeata
DiscordiaBeata
11 years ago

The whole screed just makes him sound like a pitiful relic, desperately hanging on to a world that’s never coming back, because he knows he’s not equipped to survive in this one (i.e. a world where it’s no longer a given that he’ll be allowed to stand on the shoulders of women and expect them to thank him for it). And somehow he seems to think women are climbing over each other to hit the sheets with him? Wow.

Michael Søndberg Olsen

inurashii,hearing, in my head, Wallace Shawn saying it… Your’re doing it wrong, but in the best way possible. Applause is yours.

Ally S
11 years ago

@cloudiah

“And it’s not like the feminist talking point about, e.g., rape jokes because I don’t think anyone hears a rape joke and thinks that if your rape someone “as a joke” then it’s funny and not rape, or that if it actually happened it would still be funny. While people really do seem to think that if this type of abuse is presented as funny then it’s not abuse.”

Ugh, I hate this kind of response to feminists who dislike rape jokes. It’s not that rape jokes are bad because the people who tell them are necessarily rape apologists or rapists; it’s that they marginalize the feelings of rape victims and trivialize rape in general by virtue of being in joke form.

bekabot
bekabot
11 years ago

Again, give this shit the Morgan Freedman treatment for maximum effect.

What, no Christopher Lee?

Ally S
11 years ago

Oh wait, I didn’t notice the special pleading inherent in saying “Abuse jokes trivialize abuse but rape jokes are fine and dandy!” That’s even worse.

Falconer
11 years ago

Oh god, now I’m hearing it in the voice of Wallace Shawn as the Grand Nagus Zek.

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