Our friend LaidNYC — the “Don’t Marry Women Over 25“ guy — is back with another amazing post. In this one, he expounds at length on the worth of his sperm. Which is apparently ALOT.
Sorry. A LOT.
Let’s let him explain:
I don’t give a shit about sex. Any broad can spread her legs.
You know what I do care about? Holding girls to a higher standard.
Why? Because my seed is liquid fucking gold and I don’t give it out like its god damn tap water.
And … I’ve already lost my appetite for dinner.
I got news for you girls. For a guy with any clue, finding sex is as easy as finding a pizzeria in New York, and like pizza in New York, its all pretty fucking good.
Wait. I take that back. Pizza sounds good.
Sex is everywhere and anywhere I want it, I don’t give a shit about yours.
It takes more than a nice curve of the ass or a bat of the eyelashes to earn my seed.
This last sentence is even more awesome if you imagine it being read aloud by Morgan Freeman.
Huh? Am I right or what?
Oh, but it gets better. Read the next paragraph in the voice of your favorite somber-voiced actor:
My salty essence and genetic code is a gift from my father, and his father, and his father, and on it goes. Its the sticky genetic code of self-sufficient men who have protected and provided for family, women and children. Its the haplogroup of men who built civilization. I have the genetic lineage of warriors, business owners, firefighters, blacksmiths, farmers, herders, poets, politicians, soldiers, artists and even chefs. Hard jobs that help build the world, thinking jobs that help build a culture, they’ve all been done by men in my bloodline. My ceiling for accomplishment is limitless.
And yet your great accomplishment is writing overheated, inadvertently hilarious, paeans to your spooge on the internet.
I’m not some average guy begging to give my seed away. My seed is valuable and I know it.
Men of lesser genetics may be able to afford spraying their seed anywhere; I allow myself no such atrocities.
My sperm could populate an entire society of strong good looking altruistic people and any girl who takes it in would be lucky to be a vessel towards that new world.
Ah ha ha ha ha ha.
Also, since when are the gals you’re casually hooking up with looking to have babies with you? I mean, don’t you want this precious sperm of yours to have pretty much zero contact with her babymaking equipment? Also, you know, safe sex?
Whether or not our sex is intended to end in pregnancy makes no difference. Just the sheer fact that it could makes me demand the same high price.
Ohhh. That makes sense. By which I mean “no sense.”
You better have enviable genetics yourself- I don’t breed with inferior stock. Beauty is the minimum and you better know how important that is. Long hair grown to impress me, healthy diet and exercise to maintain your figure and viability of your eggs.
Slow down a minute, Darwin. I’m pretty sure that the length of a woman’s hair has nothing to do with her genetic “worth.” Also, there’s not really much evidence to suggest that exercise helps to increase a woman’s fertility; and some even suggests that too much exercise can reduce it.
But the beauty that draws the stares, stutters and drools of lesser men won’t capture my attention for more than a millisecond.
Really? Because when I read LaidNYC I picture a dude who spends a lot of his time drooling.
I expect impeccable hygiene and classy style. A body tainted by tattoos and excessive piercings and slutty clothing signals you are available for sex to lesser men than myself. I’ll have none of that.
Only freshly showered nuns for him!
I demand a low N count to show you value your body and sex, and the seed I am about to give you will be appreciated on the level it deserves. A low N count shows both intelligence and confidence as you are smart enough not to give your body to charlatans and scoundrels, and confident enough to wait for the high value man you know you deserve.
How exactly do you figure that a dude writing a 9,000-word* screed on the awesomeness of his man juice on the internet fits into the category of “high value men?”
I expect manners and grace. No swearing, drunkenness, burping, sarcasm or anything else unbecoming of a lady. I spend a lot of time working with and competing against men in my daily life, the last thing I need is the company of a woman who acts like the men I must compete with. You exist to soothe, not to grate.
Wait, wait, wait. You work with guys who compete with you by swearing, getting drunk, and burping a lot? What sort of job do you have, exactly?
A year from now I will be richer and fitter and more socially respected in the Kingdom, but your beauty will have faded a notch. I demand that you treat me with the humility and respect that this biological reality dictates.
I suspect the only Kingdom he’s respected in is the Kingdom Up His Own Ass.
Ok, a bit of a warning here, LaidNYC is about to get all jizz-on-the-face on us all:
Finally, there is nothing I despise more than a woman who shows any disgust for my jizz.
It is the Royal Essence and you better enjoy every last drop.
If it lands on your face, chest or back, consider it raindrops from heaven, a rope of Holy Yogurt.
Holy Yogurt, Batman!
Again, give this shit the Morgan Freeman treatment for maximum effect.
If you are lucky enough to get it in your mouth, savor it like the nourishing nectar of the Gods.
If I shoot it inside you consider it the greatest compliment of all. You will feel an immediate buzz.
My jizz is to women what Walter White’s pure blue meth is to junkies.
Hey, I’m only caught up to season 3 of Breaking Bad. NO SPOILERS PLEASE.
You’ll take my seed, sweetly tell me “thank you sir” and buzz with happy feminine energy for the next day while you iron my fine shirts and indulge in memories of me.
Wait, so you only date women who work at the dry cleaners?
Some girls don’t want to respect a man that much. They have been poisoned by feminism or never had a strong male figure to look up to growing up or they have already taken far too high a volume of cock to revere their next one.
How exactly do you measure volume of cock? Do you have to use the metric system? I don’t really understand the metric system.
I have no use for those girls. Even a one-night stand with them is worthless beyond the ten-second orgasm, itself not worth the time spent to get it. Leave them for the men who have a low enough opinion of themselves to not demand such respect.
For guys, I don’t give a shit how many girls you’ve fucked just like I don’t give a shit how many pizzerias you’ve eaten at. A man is measured more by the pizzeria’s he refuses to eat at, the prices he refuses to pay for average pizza, if you know what I mean.
Yes, that’s right.
A MAN IS MEASURED BY THE PRICE HE REFUSES TO PAY FOR AVERAGE PIZZA.
I wonder if LaidNYC gets into arguments with pizza delivery guys all the time.
Remember, you set the price of your seed.
Mine is fucking gold.
Yet somehow I suspect alot of it ends up on wadded-up kleenex.
Sorry. A lot.
—
* I can’t count.
Liquid Gold? What sprang to my mind, perhaps showing my age: http://www.scottsliquidgold.com/scotts-liquid-gold/
“Enhancing the beauty of natural wood treasures.”
omg omg omg can’t stop the giggles
Even better than my vision of that golden “crown” from Game of Thrones.
If your semen is golden, see a fuckin’ doctor.
Yeah, he should use Liquid Gold to preserve his wood the next time he waxes it.
What is an N-Count? I’m guessing it has nothing to do with linguistics?
Are we sure this isn’t a put-on? It’s so over-the-top.
N count = notches on the bedpost.
A silly way to avoid saying that slut word.
so all it takes to keep this idiot at bay is sarcasm? Well, that’s me sorted then.
*considers nipping down to the tattoo shop to make doubly sure*
His father’s manly genes obviously overwrote the information from the maternal side with even more masculinity. He has the very rare xxxx chromosome, which makes him his own parasitic twin. When he has sex with a woman, it’s always a threesome. I want to hear this read by the Allstate Insurance guy.
Natural wood treasures?
OMG that’s worse than Owly and his morning wood.
markb – that’s IT! You’ve cracked it! XXXX chromosome, hence the liquid gold . (SFW)
Wasn’t there a dude who did a dramatic reading of a MRA rant? He needs to do a reading of this one .
How could I forget David Attenborough!
kittehserf – I swear I had no idea that existed when I made my comment.
I love this guy LaidInNYC.
He’s the kind of guy who must wear a dustbin on his head, spazz out in the middle of a floor and go I’M A REAL MAN NOW. All while wrapped in his blankets that each have a three inch crust on them.
Of course you’re a real man, Laid. Of course you are.
(BTW his name is Freeman, not Freedman)
I actually do say thank you after I give my husband a blowjob, but I can say for sure that I don’t exist to soothe… Also, I’m drunk.
IOW – No one wants it so “you can’t have it, nya, nya, nya!”
…
…
This can’t be real, can it? This is a joke and we’re all falling for it, yes? Like the PUAs and MRAs who fall for any sperm-burgling or false-accusation story, no matter how absurd? Somebody please tell me that an adult human being did not actually write an essay praising his own semen with neither humorous nor pornographic intent.
Is there any record of his other writings to compare to?
I have to post this:
PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS!
Meanwhile, on the Men’s Rights subreddit:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=638158316214802&set=a.482197265144242.112858.476548992375736&type=1&relevant_count=1
This is currently on the front page of the Men’s Rights subreddit under the headline: “Joke about domestic abuse on facebook? Boo! Victim is a male? 17k Likes!”
And there are people arguing about it in the 1000+ comments beneath the photo as well.
… am I missing something and being ignorant, or what?
James Earl Jones voice for me.
myeyestheyburn: I… what? Wha?
I have no idea where they get the idea that this is “Domestic Abuse” unless they’re defining it as “man doing chores”.
The cutesy tone and “Daddy’s board” creeps me RIGHT the fuck out when combined with the sexual rewards.
Potential TRIGGER WARNING. Baby hippo for people who’d rather not think about certain unpleasant scenarios: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uVp5YOnn0U
Oh yeah, it’s creepy as heck. But I don’t get the abuse part. Considering it was a battle to get facebook to take down pictures of women bloodied up or actively being beaten, the issue they refer to in the title… the comparison seems ridiculous.
I couldn’t read it in any voice other than Betty White’s. Innit strange?
“My salty essence and genetic code is a gift from my father, and his father, and his father, and on it goes. Its the sticky genetic code of self-sufficient men who have protected and provided for family, women and children. Its the haplogroup of men who built civilization. I have the genetic lineage of warriors, business owners, firefighters, blacksmiths, farmers, herders, poets, politicians, soldiers, artists and even chefs. Hard jobs that help build the world, thinking jobs that help build a culture, they’ve all been done by men in my bloodline. My ceiling for accomplishment is limitless.”
It tickles me that MRAs/PUAs will always claim that women shirk their responsibility whenever someone ELSE does something to them, but they’ll use the “men did everything of worth in history, so I’m naturally better than you!” line in some form.
Okay, so when some other dude does something amazing, you’ll take credit for it by virtue of sharing one measly little characteristic with him, but when you do something horrible to a woman, you want to wash your hands of all responsibility and place it on her? Want to take credit for others’ accomplishments, but don’t want to take credit for your own misdeeds?
Quite frankly, I’m GLAD that the women they’re talking about don’t have that twisted of a sense of responsibility…
The guy doing the ‘this chart mocks domestic abuse’ thing was using the ‘rewards’ offered as examples of manipulation–so “a 12-pack of your favorite beer” was re-interpreted to mean the wife was totally in control of all spending (rather than each of them having a say in discretionary spending, and then her voluntarily choosing to devote part of hers to his ‘reward’).
As for this entry, I gotta say, I now have a new plan:
1: Win Lottery.
2: Pay obscene amounts of money to have some of these MRM screeds read by Morgan Freeman, William Shatner, Tim Curry, James Earl Jones, Samuel L. Jackson and Sean Connery–oh, and Billy “Prof. Farnsworth/Zoidberg” West.
That FB thing: I can sort of understand being upset about how the board treat an adult like a child, but of course they’re all in the comments being MRAs. One propose an equivalent board for the wife where 4 blowjobs = a dozen roses. Even they think that having sex with them is a chore, rather than a reward… Another dude said something about how since “Daddy” pays all the bills (assume much?) he shouldn’t have to do any chores to get his blow job allotment. So once again, they take something that is a not good thing, and use it to demonstrate how they are much, much worse than what they’re attacking.