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Pickup artist: “My seed is liquid gold and I don’t give it out like its god damn tap water.”

LaidInNYC has definitely been here.
LaidInNYC has definitely been here.

Our friend LaidNYC — the “Don’t Marry Women Over 25“ guy — is back with another amazing post. In this one, he expounds at length on the worth of his sperm. Which is apparently ALOT.

ALOT

Sorry. A LOT.

Let’s let him explain:

I don’t give a shit about sex.  Any broad can spread her legs.

You know what I do care about?  Holding girls to a higher standard.

Why?  Because my seed is liquid fucking gold and I don’t give it out like its god damn tap water.

And … I’ve already lost my appetite for dinner.

I got news for you girls.  For a guy with any clue, finding sex is as easy as finding a pizzeria in New York, and like pizza in New York, its all pretty fucking good.

Wait. I take that back. Pizza sounds good.

Sex is everywhere and anywhere I want it, I don’t give a shit about yours.

It takes more than a nice curve of the ass or a bat of the eyelashes to earn my seed.

This last sentence is even more awesome if you imagine it being read aloud by Morgan Freeman.

Huh? Am I right or what?

Oh, but it gets better. Read the next paragraph in the voice of your favorite somber-voiced actor:

My salty essence and genetic code is a gift from my father, and his father, and his father, and on it goes.  Its the sticky genetic code of self-sufficient men who have protected and provided for family, women and children.  Its the haplogroup of men who built civilization.  I have the genetic lineage of warriors, business owners, firefighters, blacksmiths, farmers, herders, poets, politicians, soldiers, artists and even chefs.  Hard jobs that help build the world, thinking jobs that help build a culture, they’ve all been done by men in my bloodline.  My ceiling for accomplishment is limitless.

And yet your great accomplishment is writing overheated, inadvertently hilarious, paeans to your spooge on the internet.

I’m not some average guy begging to give my seed away.  My seed is valuable and I know it.

Men of lesser genetics may be able to afford spraying their seed anywhere; I allow myself no such atrocities.

My sperm could populate an entire society of strong good looking altruistic people and any girl who takes it in would be lucky to be a vessel towards that new world.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha.

Also, since when are the gals you’re casually hooking up with looking to have babies with you? I mean, don’t you want this precious sperm of yours to have pretty much zero contact with her babymaking equipment? Also, you know, safe sex?

Whether or not our sex is intended to end in pregnancy makes no difference.  Just the sheer fact that it could makes me demand the same high price.

Ohhh. That makes sense. By which I mean “no sense.”

You better have enviable genetics yourself- I don’t breed with inferior stock.  Beauty is the minimum and you better know how important that is.  Long hair grown to impress me, healthy diet and exercise to maintain your figure and viability of your eggs.

Slow down a minute, Darwin. I’m pretty sure that the length of a woman’s hair has nothing to do with her genetic “worth.” Also, there’s not really much evidence to suggest that exercise helps to increase a woman’s fertility; and some even suggests that too much exercise can reduce it.

But the beauty that draws the stares, stutters and drools of lesser men won’t capture my attention for more than a millisecond.

Really? Because when I read LaidNYC I picture a dude who spends a lot of his time drooling.

I expect impeccable hygiene and classy style.  A body tainted by tattoos and excessive piercings and slutty clothing signals you are available for sex to lesser men than myself.  I’ll have none of that.

Only freshly showered nuns for him!

I demand a low N count to show you value your body and sex, and the seed I am about to give you will be appreciated on the level it deserves.  A low N count shows both intelligence and confidence as you are smart enough not to give your body to charlatans and scoundrels, and confident enough to wait for the high value man you know you deserve.

How exactly do you figure that a dude writing a 9,000-word* screed on the awesomeness of his man juice on the internet fits into the category of “high value men?”

I expect manners and grace.  No swearing, drunkenness, burping, sarcasm or anything else unbecoming of a lady.  I spend a lot of time working with and competing against men in my daily life, the last thing I need is the company of a woman who acts like the men I must compete with.  You exist to soothe, not to grate.

Wait, wait, wait. You work with guys who compete with you by swearing, getting drunk, and burping a lot? What sort of job do you have, exactly?

A year from now I will be richer and fitter and more socially respected in the Kingdom, but your beauty will have faded a notch.  I demand that you treat me with the humility and respect that this biological reality dictates.

I suspect the only Kingdom he’s respected in is the Kingdom Up His Own Ass.

Ok, a bit of a warning here, LaidNYC is about to get all jizz-on-the-face on us all:

Finally, there is nothing I despise more than a woman who shows any disgust for my jizz.

It is the Royal Essence and you better enjoy every last drop.

If it lands on your face, chest or back, consider it raindrops from heaven, a rope of Holy Yogurt.

Holy Yogurt, Batman!

Again, give this shit the Morgan Freeman treatment for maximum effect.

If you are lucky enough to get it in your mouth, savor it like the nourishing nectar of the Gods.

If I shoot it inside you consider it the greatest compliment of all.  You will feel an immediate buzz.

My jizz is to women what Walter White’s pure blue meth is to junkies.

Hey, I’m only caught up to season 3 of Breaking Bad. NO SPOILERS PLEASE.

You’ll take my seed, sweetly tell me “thank you sir” and buzz with happy feminine energy for the next day while you iron my fine shirts and indulge in memories of me.

Wait, so you only date women who work at the dry cleaners?

Some girls don’t want to respect a man that much.  They have been poisoned by feminism or never had a strong male figure to look up to growing up or they have already taken far too high a volume of cock to revere their next one.

How exactly do you measure volume of cock? Do you have to use the metric system? I don’t really understand the metric system.

I have no use for those girls.  Even a one-night stand with them is worthless beyond the ten-second orgasm, itself not worth the time spent to get it. Leave them for the men who have a low enough opinion of themselves to not demand such respect.

For guys, I don’t give a shit how many girls you’ve fucked just like I don’t give a shit how many pizzerias you’ve eaten at.  A man is measured more by the pizzeria’s he refuses to eat at, the prices he refuses to pay for average pizza, if you know what I mean.

Yes, that’s right.

A MAN IS MEASURED BY THE PRICE HE REFUSES TO PAY FOR AVERAGE PIZZA.

I wonder if LaidNYC gets into arguments with pizza delivery guys all the time.

Remember, you set the price of your seed.

Mine is fucking gold.

Yet somehow I suspect alot of it ends up on wadded-up kleenex.

ALOT

Sorry.  A lot.

* I can’t count.

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KitKat
KitKat
11 years ago

If you have a N count of more than 3 you are a slut according to Man Boob. But if you won’t ***ck them, then you are a bitch. But they always say add to what they are told like if you tell them 3 they will mulitply that by 3 so they just know your true N count is 9. Also, hairy than average forearms are a sure sign you are a slut and not worthy of nothing more than a pump and dump which you should be grateful for since they are of such high value. These guys are almost sad, they are so — I can’t even think of a word to describe how idiotic they can be.

kittehserf
11 years ago

“You must avenge my death, Simba. But not until you hear my treatist on semen…”

::dies::

::revives long enough to say Hi to all the delurkers::

Falconer
11 years ago

Hearing it from Tom Waits would make it funnier, for some reason.

kittehserf
11 years ago

Also, hairy than average forearms are a sure sign you are a slut

Wait, wut? Did one of them actually say that?

Does having seriously hairy ankles and knees mean I can just frighten them away forever?

MENOPAUSE HAS ITS BENEFITS AFTER ALL

And “Royal Essence” – LOL. Sounds like royal jelly, which is sort of apt since this bloke’s a drone, all right.

Other than that, nope, sorry, dude, you’re common in every sense of the word, and when we’re talking royal essence, I do know whereof I speak.

I bet you can’t make yours taste like strawberries, either. #couldn’tresistTMI

LBT
LBT
11 years ago

OMG aussiesmurf. I was imagining George Takei myself, but nope, James Earl Jones wins that one. He wins effortlessly.

myeyestheyburn
myeyestheyburn
11 years ago

“Every man in LaidinNYC’s noble lineage has sprung fully-formed from his father’s head. ”

BY THE GODS, HE IS THE BLOOD OF ZEUS. Maybe is sperm really IS liquid gold. Golden rain from the heavens, even, given his godly, rapist asshole of an ancestor.

Also, the more assholes there are that carry on about women with tattoos, the more I want one. And the one I have in mind should be sufficiently creepy to the average person. I’ll feel so much better knowing I’ve automatically repelled even one of these jerks.

takshak
takshak
11 years ago

Karalora: Genetics fail. Half your chromosomes came from your mom
Even better, 50% your *nucleic* DNA comes from your mother. Plus 100% of your mtDNA comes from your mother. So, the majority of his DNA is from those icky, icky females. Not to mention epigenetics… Epic science fail.

kittehserf: Still, it’s all good news if he’s sooooo particular about who he wanks into. The fewer women who have to put up with him, the better.
I suspect the only woman that has to put up with him is named “RealDoll” (google at own risk)

as for this.. Its the haplogroup of men who built civilization. ,, the flopsweat of racism, also liquid gold.

Ally S
11 years ago

I love how he brings up this grandiose narrative of (cis) men being the rulers of civilization yet pretty much completely ignores the role that (cis) women have in raising children. Something smells like misogyny here – I just know it!

takshak
takshak
11 years ago

I’m getting Steve McHattie’s radio announcer form “Pontypool”….

kittehserf
11 years ago

I suspect the only woman that has to put up with him is named “RealDoll”

No doubt at all, takshak! 😀

Viscaria
Viscaria
11 years ago

BY THE GODS, HE IS THE BLOOD OF ZEUS. Maybe is sperm really IS liquid gold. Golden rain from the heavens, even, given his godly, rapist asshole of an ancestor.

It all makes sense now!

augochlorella
11 years ago

Also, hairy than average forearms are a sure sign you are a slut

Wait, wut? Did one of them actually say that?

Does having seriously hairy ankles and knees mean I can just frighten them away forever?

I’m with you, kittehserf. Does anyone know if you can wear mascara on your forearm hair?

kittehserf
11 years ago

Does anyone know if you can wear mascara on your forearm hair?

Yup. I just tried.

thebionicmommy
thebionicmommy
11 years ago

I don’t know if his sperm is liquid gold, but this screed of his is comedy gold.

I expect manners and grace. No swearing, drunkenness, burping, sarcasm or anything else unbecoming of a lady.

Oh shit, I guess I’m not ladylike enough for LaidInNYC. This really breaks my fucking heart.

Does anyone else also think that this ‘manifesto’ is for the purpose of soothing his ego by reassuring himself that all these women who won’t sleep with him aren’t worthy of his ‘seed’ anyway?

They hear that so often they’ve actually named it code purple in their catalog of “shaming tactics”.

Drew
Drew
11 years ago

Liquid gold, eh? Maybe I find the prepper-PUA overlap and sell them an additional hedge against inflation…

Raka
Raka
11 years ago

What, no link or even a hat tip to the creator of your ALOT image? For shame!

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html

Argenti Aertheri
11 years ago

…pointing out how purple his prose is is code purple? ō.Ó?

So. Much. Purple.

BritterSweet
11 years ago

Does this guy wank and then save all his stuff in jars or something?

It gives me great joy to say: I’m a human being with a working gastrointestinal system that produces flatus. Both from the attic and the basement!

BlackBloc (@XBlackBlocX)

>>>My salty essence (…) is a gift from my father, and his father, and his father

Dude. TMI. Not cool.

MaudeLL
11 years ago

LaidinNYC might be becoming my favourite man boob since Tom Martin. This impressive rise in my personal boobmeter was achieved singlehandedly with this one post. In fact, I think for once that David’s comments are superfluous, the post speaks of himself in all its glory.

To top the comedic value, a commenter warns LaidinNYC that he will attract the wrath of feminists. How can this not be satire? For once we’d have good satire coming from one of these guys (free of for the lulz made-up rape accusations against people they don’t like).

kittehserf
11 years ago

Wrath? Who could spare the breath from laughing to feel wrathful about this? It’s purest comedy. Pure as gold.

BlackBloc (@XBlackBlocX)

Wonder if he’s a Ron Paul cultist, because then he could mix up his semen = liquid gold with the gold nut bullshit and claim we need to have Federal Reserve notes being backed by his semen.

cloudiah
11 years ago

I want him to come here and comment. WE WOULD HAVE SUCH FUN.

New people (or newly de-lurked), please collect your welcome packages here. Hi!

Alice
Alice
11 years ago

I love how PUA types are obsessed with a woman’s notch count, yet almost always insist on sex by the first date.

takshak
takshak
11 years ago

Wrath? Who could spare the breath from laughing

and belching, and farting. Mustn’t forget the belching & farting