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Pickup artist: “My seed is liquid gold and I don’t give it out like its god damn tap water.”

LaidInNYC has definitely been here.
LaidInNYC has definitely been here.

Our friend LaidNYC — the “Don’t Marry Women Over 25“ guy — is back with another amazing post. In this one, he expounds at length on the worth of his sperm. Which is apparently ALOT.

ALOT

Sorry. A LOT.

Let’s let him explain:

I don’t give a shit about sex.  Any broad can spread her legs.

You know what I do care about?  Holding girls to a higher standard.

Why?  Because my seed is liquid fucking gold and I don’t give it out like its god damn tap water.

And … I’ve already lost my appetite for dinner.

I got news for you girls.  For a guy with any clue, finding sex is as easy as finding a pizzeria in New York, and like pizza in New York, its all pretty fucking good.

Wait. I take that back. Pizza sounds good.

Sex is everywhere and anywhere I want it, I don’t give a shit about yours.

It takes more than a nice curve of the ass or a bat of the eyelashes to earn my seed.

This last sentence is even more awesome if you imagine it being read aloud by Morgan Freeman.

Huh? Am I right or what?

Oh, but it gets better. Read the next paragraph in the voice of your favorite somber-voiced actor:

My salty essence and genetic code is a gift from my father, and his father, and his father, and on it goes.  Its the sticky genetic code of self-sufficient men who have protected and provided for family, women and children.  Its the haplogroup of men who built civilization.  I have the genetic lineage of warriors, business owners, firefighters, blacksmiths, farmers, herders, poets, politicians, soldiers, artists and even chefs.  Hard jobs that help build the world, thinking jobs that help build a culture, they’ve all been done by men in my bloodline.  My ceiling for accomplishment is limitless.

And yet your great accomplishment is writing overheated, inadvertently hilarious, paeans to your spooge on the internet.

I’m not some average guy begging to give my seed away.  My seed is valuable and I know it.

Men of lesser genetics may be able to afford spraying their seed anywhere; I allow myself no such atrocities.

My sperm could populate an entire society of strong good looking altruistic people and any girl who takes it in would be lucky to be a vessel towards that new world.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha.

Also, since when are the gals you’re casually hooking up with looking to have babies with you? I mean, don’t you want this precious sperm of yours to have pretty much zero contact with her babymaking equipment? Also, you know, safe sex?

Whether or not our sex is intended to end in pregnancy makes no difference.  Just the sheer fact that it could makes me demand the same high price.

Ohhh. That makes sense. By which I mean “no sense.”

You better have enviable genetics yourself- I don’t breed with inferior stock.  Beauty is the minimum and you better know how important that is.  Long hair grown to impress me, healthy diet and exercise to maintain your figure and viability of your eggs.

Slow down a minute, Darwin. I’m pretty sure that the length of a woman’s hair has nothing to do with her genetic “worth.” Also, there’s not really much evidence to suggest that exercise helps to increase a woman’s fertility; and some even suggests that too much exercise can reduce it.

But the beauty that draws the stares, stutters and drools of lesser men won’t capture my attention for more than a millisecond.

Really? Because when I read LaidNYC I picture a dude who spends a lot of his time drooling.

I expect impeccable hygiene and classy style.  A body tainted by tattoos and excessive piercings and slutty clothing signals you are available for sex to lesser men than myself.  I’ll have none of that.

Only freshly showered nuns for him!

I demand a low N count to show you value your body and sex, and the seed I am about to give you will be appreciated on the level it deserves.  A low N count shows both intelligence and confidence as you are smart enough not to give your body to charlatans and scoundrels, and confident enough to wait for the high value man you know you deserve.

How exactly do you figure that a dude writing a 9,000-word* screed on the awesomeness of his man juice on the internet fits into the category of “high value men?”

I expect manners and grace.  No swearing, drunkenness, burping, sarcasm or anything else unbecoming of a lady.  I spend a lot of time working with and competing against men in my daily life, the last thing I need is the company of a woman who acts like the men I must compete with.  You exist to soothe, not to grate.

Wait, wait, wait. You work with guys who compete with you by swearing, getting drunk, and burping a lot? What sort of job do you have, exactly?

A year from now I will be richer and fitter and more socially respected in the Kingdom, but your beauty will have faded a notch.  I demand that you treat me with the humility and respect that this biological reality dictates.

I suspect the only Kingdom he’s respected in is the Kingdom Up His Own Ass.

Ok, a bit of a warning here, LaidNYC is about to get all jizz-on-the-face on us all:

Finally, there is nothing I despise more than a woman who shows any disgust for my jizz.

It is the Royal Essence and you better enjoy every last drop.

If it lands on your face, chest or back, consider it raindrops from heaven, a rope of Holy Yogurt.

Holy Yogurt, Batman!

Again, give this shit the Morgan Freeman treatment for maximum effect.

If you are lucky enough to get it in your mouth, savor it like the nourishing nectar of the Gods.

If I shoot it inside you consider it the greatest compliment of all.  You will feel an immediate buzz.

My jizz is to women what Walter White’s pure blue meth is to junkies.

Hey, I’m only caught up to season 3 of Breaking Bad. NO SPOILERS PLEASE.

You’ll take my seed, sweetly tell me “thank you sir” and buzz with happy feminine energy for the next day while you iron my fine shirts and indulge in memories of me.

Wait, so you only date women who work at the dry cleaners?

Some girls don’t want to respect a man that much.  They have been poisoned by feminism or never had a strong male figure to look up to growing up or they have already taken far too high a volume of cock to revere their next one.

How exactly do you measure volume of cock? Do you have to use the metric system? I don’t really understand the metric system.

I have no use for those girls.  Even a one-night stand with them is worthless beyond the ten-second orgasm, itself not worth the time spent to get it. Leave them for the men who have a low enough opinion of themselves to not demand such respect.

For guys, I don’t give a shit how many girls you’ve fucked just like I don’t give a shit how many pizzerias you’ve eaten at.  A man is measured more by the pizzeria’s he refuses to eat at, the prices he refuses to pay for average pizza, if you know what I mean.

Yes, that’s right.

A MAN IS MEASURED BY THE PRICE HE REFUSES TO PAY FOR AVERAGE PIZZA.

I wonder if LaidNYC gets into arguments with pizza delivery guys all the time.

Remember, you set the price of your seed.

Mine is fucking gold.

Yet somehow I suspect alot of it ends up on wadded-up kleenex.

ALOT

Sorry.  A lot.

* I can’t count.

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hellkell
hellkell
11 years ago

Why would a woman with a low “n count” fuck this tool? Does he really not see th edouble standard he’s pushing.

This guy can cram it sideways with walnuts. And he can can kiss my tattooed ass.

dustydeste
dustydeste
11 years ago

Yeah, I’m with you on that one, Karalora. Also, y’know, since prenatal environment seems to play somewhat of a role, too, not to mention the postnatal care that’s mainly done by, oh, mothers (not that I think that’s how it must be by necessity by any stretch of the imagination, but chances are all those warriors, business owners, firefighters, blacksmiths, farmers, herders, poets, politicians, soldiers, artists, chefs, and dudes who shoveled horseshit for a living were cared for largely by ladies during their developmental years), you really have to take into account that ladygenes and ladywork together surely outweigh his rather pitiful squirt of a contribution when it comes to how said offspring end up.

The average Stoic Sophist of today
The average Stoic Sophist of today
11 years ago

I read LaidinNYC’s second paragraph, where he speaks of his noble lineage, in Christopher Walken’s voice.

I read it in the voice of Terl from Battlefield Earth.

While your seed was still learning how to SPELL IT’S NAME, mine was being trained…to conquer galaxies!

hellkell
hellkell
11 years ago

Doesn’t he realize there’s not enough liquor out there to make sex with him palatable? So much for no drunk chicks.

These guys go to clubs to get laid. Why think that’s Miss Porter’s I don’t know.

Andrew Johnston
11 years ago

@Morrigan: I don’t hear the Joker when I read this. I hear either a underdeveloped sixteen year-old trying to put bass into his voice or the mad king of a failed European vassal state.

@L: Funny part is, I think I wrote this guy into a story once. He was a character convinced that he was the perfect lifeform, who was trying to convince his “follower” (read: last remaining friend) that the other people who claimed to be the perfect lifeform were wrong because they hadn’t examined themselves.

kittehserf
11 years ago

Sounds to me like this twit spends a lot of time sucking himself off, with all that blather about his salty, sticky, blah blah blah precious seed.

Still, it’s all good news if he’s sooooo particular about who he wanks into. The fewer women who have to put up with him, the better.

emilygoddess
emilygoddess
11 years ago

This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. It’s like he’s trying to neg the whole Internet.

the whole thing is just a hilarious wad of self-aggrandizement

Heheh, “wad”.

Anyway…

That paragraph about his ancestors’ achievements…dude, Lamarck was wrong, you know.

Personally, I like this alot.

LBT
LBT
11 years ago

Oh my god. This… this is the most GLORIOUS thing I’ve ever seen. It ain’t even purple, honey, that prose be MAUVE.

Also, my husband has experienced cock worship, and he just DIED in hysterics listening to this. Seriously, man, have you LISTENED to yourself? Sweet motherhumping Jesus!

I guess this guy doesn’t masturbate. Liquid gold and all.

kittehserf
11 years ago

D’you think he should contact ol’ “troy” Nolan about gold and exchange rates and stuff? Not that Nolan will be going anywhere once Poutine’s finished with him.

Funny, my tattoos refer to a man whose worst moments were still miles better than this nincompoop’s (If N-count meant nincompoopery, his would be sky-high.)

seranvali
11 years ago

This has to be the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks! Purple prose and narcissistic, self-aggrandizing bullshit. Just the thing to brighten up my afternoon. It should be read aloud by Christopher Lee, assuming he can keep a straight face and doesn’t collapse into helpless giggles!

hippodameia8527
hippodameia8527
11 years ago

Is anyone else having Dr. Strangelove flashbacks?

And I’m so glad that my tattoos will keep this twit away from me. Maybe I should get more . . .

Viscaria
Viscaria
11 years ago

I spend a lot of time working with and competing against men in my daily life, the last thing I need is the company of a woman who acts like the men I must compete with. You exist to soothe, not to grate.

Translation: Stop making it obvious that you are a person, I find it threatening. You’re supposed to act like an ego prop.

Argenti Aertheri
11 years ago

981 words, w00t for word counting programs!

Yep, nearly a thousand words about his semen. Normally I’m all for his sort masturbating, but he might want to cool it a bit, he’s clearly seeing too much of the stuff.

And yeah, genetics fail, by that standard sexytimes with me should be as hard to get as sexytimes with 14th~ century English nobility (the things you learn sorting the family tree!)

boumbette
boumbette
11 years ago

I’d love to meet the women who think of men in terms of seeds. Oh, scratch that. They probably live in Laidie’s ass. I just can’t.

Other than that, let’s see… Laidielaid is explaining why he’s not having sex, because he only chooses the humongously high value ladylike humble ladies. But in fact, he’s having lots of one nighters with alpha-gamma ladies who are so high value that they never have casual sex, not even for a one night with him (what!? who would pass that seed). We’ve finally reached the loop where not having sex means having tons of amazing sex (with gene vessels, also known as women). Now we’ll qualify sex based on self-reported potential sex.

I think every PUA needs to read this guy. PUAs for personal abstinence and genetic illiteracy.

kittehserf
11 years ago

It should be read aloud by Christopher Lee, assuming he can keep a straight face and doesn’t collapse into helpless giggles!

I want to see him read it if he does collapse into helpless giggles. Because that would be The Best.

Yep, nearly a thousand words about his semen. Normally I’m all for his sort masturbating, but he might want to cool it a bit, he’s clearly seeing too much of the stuff.

But if he cools it, his liquid gold might solidify!

Falconer
11 years ago

Morgan Freeman, HELL.

I got Leonard Nimoy. Frickin’ Civ IV gravel-voiced Leonard Nimoy.

CANNOT UNHEAR.

Pteryxx
Pteryxx
11 years ago

my partner: “QUICK. GET SHATNER ON THE LINE STAT.”

me: “…Oh my.”

sarahlizhousespouse
11 years ago

“Is anyone else having Dr. Strangelove flashbacks?”

He’s crying so many Tears of Loneliness (TM) that if he didn’t save his ejaculations there wouldn’t be a drop of moisture in his Noble body.

kittehserf
11 years ago

True Facts about the Liquid Gold of the PUA.

Why, why is this not a thing?

Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III
Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III
11 years ago

Is it wrong that I think of this guy typing his screed while naked except for a pair of stained boxers, surrounded by empty vodka bottles, cookie packets and porno, and all the while his next door neighbor thumps on the adjoining wall and demands that he stops sobbing so loudly?

Probably. Probably.

mildlymagnificent
11 years ago

A low N count shows both intelligence and confidence as you are smart enough not to give your body to charlatans and scoundrels, and confident enough to wait for the high value man you know you deserve.

A woman with intelligence and confidence will keep right on waiting for someone, anyone, of higher “value” than this narcissistic, and downright peculiar, git should she ever have the misfortune to meet him.

Though I agree about the purple prose. I was thinking more along the lines of magenta with tasteful tangerine italics for emphasis. (Though choosing what to emphasise would be a bit of a task.)

hellkell
hellkell
11 years ago

OMG, a True Facts video about this loser would be the funniest thing ever.

“As the douchebag do…”

kittehserf
11 years ago

Sir Bodsworth, thank you very much. I cannot unsee that now.

aussiesmurf
11 years ago

@Falconer

I would prefer the mellow tones of the one and only James Earl Jones,

“You must avenge my death, Simba. But not until you hear my treatist on semen…”

aussiesmurf
11 years ago

treatise, damnit!