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Pickup artist: “My seed is liquid gold and I don’t give it out like its god damn tap water.”

LaidInNYC has definitely been here.
LaidInNYC has definitely been here.

Our friend LaidNYC — the “Don’t Marry Women Over 25“ guy — is back with another amazing post. In this one, he expounds at length on the worth of his sperm. Which is apparently ALOT.

ALOT

Sorry. A LOT.

Let’s let him explain:

I don’t give a shit about sex.  Any broad can spread her legs.

You know what I do care about?  Holding girls to a higher standard.

Why?  Because my seed is liquid fucking gold and I don’t give it out like its god damn tap water.

And … I’ve already lost my appetite for dinner.

I got news for you girls.  For a guy with any clue, finding sex is as easy as finding a pizzeria in New York, and like pizza in New York, its all pretty fucking good.

Wait. I take that back. Pizza sounds good.

Sex is everywhere and anywhere I want it, I don’t give a shit about yours.

It takes more than a nice curve of the ass or a bat of the eyelashes to earn my seed.

This last sentence is even more awesome if you imagine it being read aloud by Morgan Freeman.

Huh? Am I right or what?

Oh, but it gets better. Read the next paragraph in the voice of your favorite somber-voiced actor:

My salty essence and genetic code is a gift from my father, and his father, and his father, and on it goes.  Its the sticky genetic code of self-sufficient men who have protected and provided for family, women and children.  Its the haplogroup of men who built civilization.  I have the genetic lineage of warriors, business owners, firefighters, blacksmiths, farmers, herders, poets, politicians, soldiers, artists and even chefs.  Hard jobs that help build the world, thinking jobs that help build a culture, they’ve all been done by men in my bloodline.  My ceiling for accomplishment is limitless.

And yet your great accomplishment is writing overheated, inadvertently hilarious, paeans to your spooge on the internet.

I’m not some average guy begging to give my seed away.  My seed is valuable and I know it.

Men of lesser genetics may be able to afford spraying their seed anywhere; I allow myself no such atrocities.

My sperm could populate an entire society of strong good looking altruistic people and any girl who takes it in would be lucky to be a vessel towards that new world.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha.

Also, since when are the gals you’re casually hooking up with looking to have babies with you? I mean, don’t you want this precious sperm of yours to have pretty much zero contact with her babymaking equipment? Also, you know, safe sex?

Whether or not our sex is intended to end in pregnancy makes no difference.  Just the sheer fact that it could makes me demand the same high price.

Ohhh. That makes sense. By which I mean “no sense.”

You better have enviable genetics yourself- I don’t breed with inferior stock.  Beauty is the minimum and you better know how important that is.  Long hair grown to impress me, healthy diet and exercise to maintain your figure and viability of your eggs.

Slow down a minute, Darwin. I’m pretty sure that the length of a woman’s hair has nothing to do with her genetic “worth.” Also, there’s not really much evidence to suggest that exercise helps to increase a woman’s fertility; and some even suggests that too much exercise can reduce it.

But the beauty that draws the stares, stutters and drools of lesser men won’t capture my attention for more than a millisecond.

Really? Because when I read LaidNYC I picture a dude who spends a lot of his time drooling.

I expect impeccable hygiene and classy style.  A body tainted by tattoos and excessive piercings and slutty clothing signals you are available for sex to lesser men than myself.  I’ll have none of that.

Only freshly showered nuns for him!

I demand a low N count to show you value your body and sex, and the seed I am about to give you will be appreciated on the level it deserves.  A low N count shows both intelligence and confidence as you are smart enough not to give your body to charlatans and scoundrels, and confident enough to wait for the high value man you know you deserve.

How exactly do you figure that a dude writing a 9,000-word* screed on the awesomeness of his man juice on the internet fits into the category of “high value men?”

I expect manners and grace.  No swearing, drunkenness, burping, sarcasm or anything else unbecoming of a lady.  I spend a lot of time working with and competing against men in my daily life, the last thing I need is the company of a woman who acts like the men I must compete with.  You exist to soothe, not to grate.

Wait, wait, wait. You work with guys who compete with you by swearing, getting drunk, and burping a lot? What sort of job do you have, exactly?

A year from now I will be richer and fitter and more socially respected in the Kingdom, but your beauty will have faded a notch.  I demand that you treat me with the humility and respect that this biological reality dictates.

I suspect the only Kingdom he’s respected in is the Kingdom Up His Own Ass.

Ok, a bit of a warning here, LaidNYC is about to get all jizz-on-the-face on us all:

Finally, there is nothing I despise more than a woman who shows any disgust for my jizz.

It is the Royal Essence and you better enjoy every last drop.

If it lands on your face, chest or back, consider it raindrops from heaven, a rope of Holy Yogurt.

Holy Yogurt, Batman!

Again, give this shit the Morgan Freeman treatment for maximum effect.

If you are lucky enough to get it in your mouth, savor it like the nourishing nectar of the Gods.

If I shoot it inside you consider it the greatest compliment of all.  You will feel an immediate buzz.

My jizz is to women what Walter White’s pure blue meth is to junkies.

Hey, I’m only caught up to season 3 of Breaking Bad. NO SPOILERS PLEASE.

You’ll take my seed, sweetly tell me “thank you sir” and buzz with happy feminine energy for the next day while you iron my fine shirts and indulge in memories of me.

Wait, so you only date women who work at the dry cleaners?

Some girls don’t want to respect a man that much.  They have been poisoned by feminism or never had a strong male figure to look up to growing up or they have already taken far too high a volume of cock to revere their next one.

How exactly do you measure volume of cock? Do you have to use the metric system? I don’t really understand the metric system.

I have no use for those girls.  Even a one-night stand with them is worthless beyond the ten-second orgasm, itself not worth the time spent to get it. Leave them for the men who have a low enough opinion of themselves to not demand such respect.

For guys, I don’t give a shit how many girls you’ve fucked just like I don’t give a shit how many pizzerias you’ve eaten at.  A man is measured more by the pizzeria’s he refuses to eat at, the prices he refuses to pay for average pizza, if you know what I mean.

Yes, that’s right.

A MAN IS MEASURED BY THE PRICE HE REFUSES TO PAY FOR AVERAGE PIZZA.

I wonder if LaidNYC gets into arguments with pizza delivery guys all the time.

Remember, you set the price of your seed.

Mine is fucking gold.

Yet somehow I suspect alot of it ends up on wadded-up kleenex.

ALOT

Sorry.  A lot.

* I can’t count.

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Darth Conans
Darth Conans
11 years ago

“My seed is liquid fucking gold.” I think this guy is having sex wrong.

saintnick86
saintnick86
11 years ago

…What the fuck is an “N count”…?

cloudiah
11 years ago

A body tainted by tattoos and excessive piercings and slutty clothing signals you are available for sex to lesser men than myself. I’ll have none of that.

That’s it, I’ve finally been convinced to get a tattoo. And to start burping alot. I mean, a lot.

cloudiah
11 years ago

“N count” is “notch count” — i.e. how many people you’ve slept with.

sarahlizhousespouse
11 years ago

This reads like one long not-apology to the PUA community for not getting tail.

I read LaidinNYC’s second paragraph, where he speaks of his noble lineage, in Christopher Walken’s voice. For some reason I kept thinking, “your dad kept this uncomfortable hunk of metal up his ass…” and then I realized I could be watching Pulp Fiction rather than reading his dreck.

Lili Fugit
Lili Fugit
11 years ago

That is probably the most hilarious thing I’ve read since “Story of O”.

Karalora
11 years ago

My salty essence and genetic code is a gift from my father, and his father, and his father, and on it goes.

Genetics fail. Half your chromosomes came from your mom, boyo, and any one of them has an equal chance of ending up in a spermatozoa as its counterpart from your dad.

I know, the whole thing is just a hilarious wad of self-aggrandizement, but I felt that particular bit demanded special attention. There’s a loooooooooot of ignorance of Mendelian genetics among MRAs, I’ve noticed.

saintnick86
saintnick86
11 years ago

They (PUAs, MRAs, whatever) seriously have a term for that? Jesus Christ…

aussiesmurfrf
11 years ago

That is just….wow.

In a weird sort of way, though….I don’t really mind this.

I mean, of course he’s a sexist moron with enough tickets on himself to fund the lottery, but he can be as choosy as he wants in terms of his sexual options. Sure, it might be a little delusional to pre-suppose that he’s just fighting off all these ‘lesser women’, but keep your sacred sperm safe, dude!

Does anyone else also think that this ‘manifesto’ is for the purpose of soothing his ego by reassuring himself that all these women who won’t sleep with him aren’t worthy of his ‘seed’ anyway?

StarStorm
11 years ago

…. mein gott, is there ANY other person on the fucking planet more full of himself than this twit? I got halfway through this post and was like… what? Holy Yogurt? What?

nedbeaumontjr
11 years ago

I thought Michelob was supposed to be liquid gold. And it tastes like piss. Maybe it’s not his sperm he’s talking about…

Morrigan
11 years ago

“This is the narcissism which hides a crippled self-esteem,” said the armchair psychologist. Who does he think is reading this? It may as well have been posted in a thread labeled “Say something to someone that will never hear it”.

Also, I tried to read that paragraph in the Joker’s voice, but he hated his father.

shadists
11 years ago

I’m loving any PUA talking about “altruistic” in relation to themselves. There’s so much cognitive dissonance there you could power any given city with the raw dissonance which must crackle off them like lightning.

aussiesmurf
aussiesmurf
11 years ago

Re ‘N count’ I’ve never understood how sex once with each of ten guys ‘uses up’ a vagina more than sex 10 times with one guy.

And does anyone else think that this ‘manifesto’ is a self-justification for all the women who don’t want to sleep with (or near) him?

sarahlizhousespouse
11 years ago

@nedbeaumont jr

I wonder what kind of exchange rate this duder gets for his “liquid gold”. I imagine it doesn’t hold the same value as Michelob or Scott’s Liquid Gold Furniture Polish.

quantumscale
quantumscale
11 years ago

Mendelian genetics do not apply here. Every man in LaidinNYC’s noble lineage has sprung fully-formed from his father’s head. Any female genetic material would only dilute the value of their manly gold-seed.

amandajane5
amandajane5
11 years ago

Look, it’s the ALOT! I love the ALOT!

I’m placing bets that this is one who will never go down on a woman, but she’s supposed to savor every drop of his liquid gold semen. Yeah. Have fun with that boyo.

Tammy J Rizzo
11 years ago

Eww. My N count is just one. I guess I better start sleeping around with every bum I see, so this guy won’t want to look at me.

L
L
11 years ago

I LOVE the comments on the original post. They are so EARNEST.

L
L
11 years ago

Also does LaidinNYC write like…weird fanfiction? Why is his blog so full of bad writing?

Andrew Johnston
11 years ago

Normally, I don’t automatically assume this, but…are we sure that this guy isn’t some kind of master parodist? This is a little on the nose, like someone took the two most contradictory aspects of the PUA subculture – the narcissism and the excuses for why they spend all their time on forums instead of getting laid – and combined them into something surreal. It’s almost art, really.

nedbeaumontjr
11 years ago

I wonder what kind of exchange rate this duder gets for his “liquid gold”.

Given the MRA obsession with treating every human interaction as commerce, I suspect he’s got a number in mind.

Hyena Girl
Hyena Girl
11 years ago

Annnd we’re back to the super villain monologue. Sadly Doctor Doom he’s not.

Kartusch Snake (@Kartusch)

I always want to tell guys like this ” you know your fetish is cool and all but it isn’t a universal truth… and there are places to meet others mutually into it”

@quantumscale I was thinking he comes from an unknown line of male parthogenesis

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