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Pickup artist: “My seed is liquid gold and I don’t give it out like its god damn tap water.”

LaidInNYC has definitely been here.
LaidInNYC has definitely been here.

Our friend LaidNYC — the “Don’t Marry Women Over 25“ guy — is back with another amazing post. In this one, he expounds at length on the worth of his sperm. Which is apparently ALOT.

ALOT

Sorry. A LOT.

Let’s let him explain:

I don’t give a shit about sex.  Any broad can spread her legs.

You know what I do care about?  Holding girls to a higher standard.

Why?  Because my seed is liquid fucking gold and I don’t give it out like its god damn tap water.

And … I’ve already lost my appetite for dinner.

I got news for you girls.  For a guy with any clue, finding sex is as easy as finding a pizzeria in New York, and like pizza in New York, its all pretty fucking good.

Wait. I take that back. Pizza sounds good.

Sex is everywhere and anywhere I want it, I don’t give a shit about yours.

It takes more than a nice curve of the ass or a bat of the eyelashes to earn my seed.

This last sentence is even more awesome if you imagine it being read aloud by Morgan Freeman.

Huh? Am I right or what?

Oh, but it gets better. Read the next paragraph in the voice of your favorite somber-voiced actor:

My salty essence and genetic code is a gift from my father, and his father, and his father, and on it goes.  Its the sticky genetic code of self-sufficient men who have protected and provided for family, women and children.  Its the haplogroup of men who built civilization.  I have the genetic lineage of warriors, business owners, firefighters, blacksmiths, farmers, herders, poets, politicians, soldiers, artists and even chefs.  Hard jobs that help build the world, thinking jobs that help build a culture, they’ve all been done by men in my bloodline.  My ceiling for accomplishment is limitless.

And yet your great accomplishment is writing overheated, inadvertently hilarious, paeans to your spooge on the internet.

I’m not some average guy begging to give my seed away.  My seed is valuable and I know it.

Men of lesser genetics may be able to afford spraying their seed anywhere; I allow myself no such atrocities.

My sperm could populate an entire society of strong good looking altruistic people and any girl who takes it in would be lucky to be a vessel towards that new world.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha.

Also, since when are the gals you’re casually hooking up with looking to have babies with you? I mean, don’t you want this precious sperm of yours to have pretty much zero contact with her babymaking equipment? Also, you know, safe sex?

Whether or not our sex is intended to end in pregnancy makes no difference.  Just the sheer fact that it could makes me demand the same high price.

Ohhh. That makes sense. By which I mean “no sense.”

You better have enviable genetics yourself- I don’t breed with inferior stock.  Beauty is the minimum and you better know how important that is.  Long hair grown to impress me, healthy diet and exercise to maintain your figure and viability of your eggs.

Slow down a minute, Darwin. I’m pretty sure that the length of a woman’s hair has nothing to do with her genetic “worth.” Also, there’s not really much evidence to suggest that exercise helps to increase a woman’s fertility; and some even suggests that too much exercise can reduce it.

But the beauty that draws the stares, stutters and drools of lesser men won’t capture my attention for more than a millisecond.

Really? Because when I read LaidNYC I picture a dude who spends a lot of his time drooling.

I expect impeccable hygiene and classy style.  A body tainted by tattoos and excessive piercings and slutty clothing signals you are available for sex to lesser men than myself.  I’ll have none of that.

Only freshly showered nuns for him!

I demand a low N count to show you value your body and sex, and the seed I am about to give you will be appreciated on the level it deserves.  A low N count shows both intelligence and confidence as you are smart enough not to give your body to charlatans and scoundrels, and confident enough to wait for the high value man you know you deserve.

How exactly do you figure that a dude writing a 9,000-word* screed on the awesomeness of his man juice on the internet fits into the category of “high value men?”

I expect manners and grace.  No swearing, drunkenness, burping, sarcasm or anything else unbecoming of a lady.  I spend a lot of time working with and competing against men in my daily life, the last thing I need is the company of a woman who acts like the men I must compete with.  You exist to soothe, not to grate.

Wait, wait, wait. You work with guys who compete with you by swearing, getting drunk, and burping a lot? What sort of job do you have, exactly?

A year from now I will be richer and fitter and more socially respected in the Kingdom, but your beauty will have faded a notch.  I demand that you treat me with the humility and respect that this biological reality dictates.

I suspect the only Kingdom he’s respected in is the Kingdom Up His Own Ass.

Ok, a bit of a warning here, LaidNYC is about to get all jizz-on-the-face on us all:

Finally, there is nothing I despise more than a woman who shows any disgust for my jizz.

It is the Royal Essence and you better enjoy every last drop.

If it lands on your face, chest or back, consider it raindrops from heaven, a rope of Holy Yogurt.

Holy Yogurt, Batman!

Again, give this shit the Morgan Freeman treatment for maximum effect.

If you are lucky enough to get it in your mouth, savor it like the nourishing nectar of the Gods.

If I shoot it inside you consider it the greatest compliment of all.  You will feel an immediate buzz.

My jizz is to women what Walter White’s pure blue meth is to junkies.

Hey, I’m only caught up to season 3 of Breaking Bad. NO SPOILERS PLEASE.

You’ll take my seed, sweetly tell me “thank you sir” and buzz with happy feminine energy for the next day while you iron my fine shirts and indulge in memories of me.

Wait, so you only date women who work at the dry cleaners?

Some girls don’t want to respect a man that much.  They have been poisoned by feminism or never had a strong male figure to look up to growing up or they have already taken far too high a volume of cock to revere their next one.

How exactly do you measure volume of cock? Do you have to use the metric system? I don’t really understand the metric system.

I have no use for those girls.  Even a one-night stand with them is worthless beyond the ten-second orgasm, itself not worth the time spent to get it. Leave them for the men who have a low enough opinion of themselves to not demand such respect.

For guys, I don’t give a shit how many girls you’ve fucked just like I don’t give a shit how many pizzerias you’ve eaten at.  A man is measured more by the pizzeria’s he refuses to eat at, the prices he refuses to pay for average pizza, if you know what I mean.

Yes, that’s right.

A MAN IS MEASURED BY THE PRICE HE REFUSES TO PAY FOR AVERAGE PIZZA.

I wonder if LaidNYC gets into arguments with pizza delivery guys all the time.

Remember, you set the price of your seed.

Mine is fucking gold.

Yet somehow I suspect alot of it ends up on wadded-up kleenex.

ALOT

Sorry.  A lot.

* I can’t count.

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Dangerously
Dangerously
4 years ago

This alot of jizz becomes more funny with the AlotBot (converts an image to be an alot flood-filled with the texture of whatever it is alot of)

Kitrona
Kitrona
4 years ago

I know this is old, but I suddenly got the urge to cut my hair and cuss a lot. Sadly, not enough alcohol in the house to get drunk, and I’m not very good at burping.

Think that’ll be enough to keep him away from me? No, you’re right, I should go get some more tattoos, too.

Debbie
3 years ago

An Interview with Brett, An Unusual and Unique Artist, by Debbie Stonewood
Extreme Measures For The Extreme Artist

Brett’s Art Enhancement Website: http://twtz.us

Note: You are welcome to copy, publish, and distribute this article elsewhere.

The Interview

I am Debbie, an Artist, Writer, Photographer, and Web Designer. A while ago I heard of a very unique Artist named Brett who uses both Precum and Cum to enhance other people’s artwork. I was very curious, so I contacted him for an interview for an article I was writing about unconventional Artists. I wanted to review his skills and see a Live Demonstration of what he can do and how he performs. During the Demonstration he let me take photographs of him for possible inclusion in my article.

I began the interview by asking Brett, in terms of your skills, what is required to effectively enhance art?
He stated, in order effectively enhance art, he needs to provide an Artist with a variety of liquid options suitable for their particular needs. He therefore needs to control the properties of both his Precum and Cum in terms of its color, transparency, viscosity, texture, and most of all, the quantity. If for example, an Artist wants to add long and shiny transparent drip effects to a 3D piece of art, then he would provide them with completely clear low viscosity Precum that would stretch over 24 inches. If the Artist wanted to apply a clear splatter glazed effect to their work, he would then provide them clear Cum in a higher viscosity. It’s really up to the Artist and what they require to enhance their Artwork.

What methods do you use to control the properties of the liquid?
To control the properties of the liquid, he uses a special technique he developed involving variable weights to initially get “Abnormally” rock hard. Once he has achieved the state of abnormal hardness, he can provide the Artist with any fluid combination needed for their Artwork on request. This special technique also allows him to change the properties of the liquid during the course of the Art Enhancement process. As in the previous example of providing the Artist with a completely clear low viscosity Precum, he would pulsate his cock to a particular rhythm such that only clear Precum would be made. As before, in the case of applying a clear splatter glazed effect, it takes a little more work. Cum is generally opaque in color, but if the Artist requires a large quantity of clear and not opaque Cum, then Brett places a 5lb weight over the lower end his shaft and flexes his cock to the point it gets even harder. At this point, when his cock is erratically throbbing, he can squirt huge amounts of completely clear Cum.

The Live Demonstration

Based on the examples provided earlier in the interview, I asked Brett the following question:
If an Artist was looking to enhance their artwork with clear liquids, can you show me the techniques you use control the properties of the liquids and the quantity needed to sufficiently meet the Artist’s requirements? In this particular case, I wanted to see how he would make clear Precum for applying transparent drip effects and both clear and opaque Cum for adding splatter effects.

Brett agreed to my request and began the demonstration by sitting down in a chair and placing his legs up onto two small end tables on either side of him. He then hung a heavy weight attached to a string over the shaft of his cock. He started to flex-lift the weight with his cock to make it become Ultra rock hard. As I watched in amazement, his cock kept growing bigger and bigger until it reached an incredible size. At this point, I really needed to take a photo of his enormous cock so my readers could see exactly what I was experiencing. I set up my camera on a tripod between his legs and handed Brett my Coca-Cola® can so he could position it next to his cock for a size comparison photo.

Within minutes, as his cock started to pulsate, he began oozing out massive amounts of 100% totally clear stringy-like Precum. He showed me how this type of clear Precum when touched, stretches out in long strands that could be easily applied to a piece of art. Brett kept Precumming for over an hour, and during that time, he showed me how he could make the Precum change from a low viscosity clear transparent fluid to a thicker opaque colored liquid. While he was Precumming, I took some photos showing the viscosity and color change as the Precum slowly dripped down the shaft of his huge cock.

Next, I asked Brett to show me how he makes and squirts clear Cum, and if he could, squirt it vertically upwards into the air.
Since I wanted to see Brett make clear Cum, he hung a 5lb weight over his shaft and began flexing his cock such that it became even harder than before. As he flexed his cock, it began to visually throb where it looked like it was about to explode. As I watched in anticipation, Brett squirted at least 12 continuous streaming pulses of clear Cum over 6 feet into the air like a volcano. It was absolutely unbelievable!. If I didn’t see it for myself, I wouldn’t believe this could be done. After seeing him squirt, I asked if he could do it again, but this time, I wanted to see opaque colored Cum. When he squirted the second time, he squirted even harder and more violent than before such that the Cum almost hit the ceiling. I was completely blown away.

My Evaluation

Brett is truly a “Super Cum Squirting” Artist. His demonstration was both fantastic and informative. His magnificent cock produced more Precum and Cum that I had ever seen in my entire life. The unique method he utilizes to control the properties of the liquid is truly astounding and is an art in itself.

After interviewing Brett, I offered to create a website for him so you can utilize his skills to add beautiful Liquid Effects to your Artwork. His unique type of Precum can be used for adding clear flowing liquid effects, while his hard-hitting pulsating Cum blasts will add stunning three-dimensional clear dripping and splatter effects to your artwork. He can provide you with Precum and Cum in any transparency and viscosity combination to fit your needs. It can range from a free-flowing watery liquid, to clear slow dripping strands that stretch over 24 inches in length in a stringy-like fashion.

If you are an Artist, or just interested in his abilities, contact Brett now. He will be happy to speak with you and give you live demonstration of his “Super Cum Squirting” skills. He can enhance all types of Art work including 2D, 3D, Drawing, Painting, Sculpture, Decorative, Abstract, Conceptual, and Media Art. He will work at No Cost in exchange for Art Credit. In addition, he will also perform any special request needed to make your Art come alive.

In my opinion, this turned out to be a great interview. Just watching his enormous throbbing cock making massive amounts of Precum and squirting Cum over huge distances, was completely worth seeing in itself. Brett’s skills are remarkable and I highly recommend him for any Art Enhancement project.

Copyright © 2016, by Debbie Stonewood
All Rights Reserved

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

So, I came across this thread necro from last year and had to comment to highlight it because holy fucking shit! This post above mine is absolutely hilarious. Almost the best spam I’ve ever seen.

Antoinette Hines
Antoinette Hines
2 years ago

No, Velveeta is liquid gold!

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

I’m so glad someone necro’d this again so I could again relive the previous necro from Debbie. It’s…something.

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