Some people dream of going back in a time machine and strangling baby Hitler in his crib, thus preventing World War II, the Holocaust, any number of stupid memes. Our dear friend Heartiste — the repellent right-wing pickup guru — dreams instead of delivering the incredibly wussy teenage Hitler his own Sixteen Commandments of Poon, thus saving young Adolph from the horrors of Betahood and perhaps also preventing World War II, etc.
Heartiste, who evidently gets his news from seven-year-old stories in the Daily Mail, has been reading about a not-so-new book that tells the story of teenage Hitler’s unrequited crush on a girl named Stefanie Isak. To hear the Daily Mail tell it, Hitler was quite the beta simp, watching from a distance in fury as alpha male army officers charmed (and won over) the young lass. Heartiste is driven to comment:
Hitler the bitterboy beta. Instead of learning from his alpha male betters, he lashed out at them, much the same way our modern manboobs lash out at alpha male “douchebags” and “players”.
Thanks for the mention, douchebag!
Anyhoo, so young Hitler wrote the girl poems, stalked her, contemplated kidnapping her, and considered a murder-suicide backup plan in case the kidnapping didn’t work out — you know, all your typical nice guy stuff. What he never did was talk to her.
Poor Hitler! That’s what “One-itis” can do to you!
Heartiste wonders what Hitler might have been able to accomplish if he’s been able to read the Chateau Heartiste blog on his early-20th century iPad.
As you can see, even maniacal dictators with dreams of world conquest can fall into the same horrible beta traps as your typical weepy 21st century brooding teen boy with xVideos tabbed for convenience. If only Hitler had the compiled wisdom of CH, he would remember the maxim that you do not reward a woman with your love until after she has rewarded you with her sex.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure you don’t need Heartiste or any misogynist douchebag to tell you it’s not a great idea to fall in love with a girl that you not only haven’t had sex with but whom you haven’t even spoken to.
But Heartiste is caught up in his own fantasies at this point:
[A] part of me feels not just pity, but even tender admiration, for young Hitler’s romantic idealism, so pure of thought and intention. This was a Hitler, however misguided, who denied a cynical world its tribute in parcels of his uncorrupted soul. How might things have turned out differently had a strong male presence — an alpha male mentor — shown him the way to fulfill his burning desire? Or at least told him to stop acting like a tool.
If only Hitler had known how to neg!
One of the stranger aspects of Hitler’s unrequited love affair is that the target of his obsessions had a Jewish last name. She wasn’t in fact Jewish, but (according to the Daily Mail account) Hitler didn’t know that at the time. The Daily Mail suggests that this could mean that his later anti-Semitism wasn’t genuine, but was instead cooked up for political reasons. (Yeah, fat chance.)
Heartiste has a different theory.
[P]erhaps … Hitler became the man he did when, as a young man in the grip of hot unrequited love, his Jewish princess “rejected” him for the charming alpha males Hitler despised. What followed from that irreparable wound to his heart was an act of id vengeance that would set fire to the world. Was WWI then, the revenge of a beta male scorned?
I believe you mean WWII. Do try to get your World Wars straight.
Chateau Heartiste has written that game can save the West. Disbelievers scoff. But if this outpost of sanity had been around during Hitler’s flowering youth to enlighten him about the nature of the fairer sex, the West might very well have been saved. Saved not just from war and genocide, but from every evil — cultural Marxism, feminism, equalism, and now racial self-annihilationism — that has come after.
I guess it’s not surprising, really, that Heartiste is egotistical enough to think that his blog could have prevented World War I, er II.
What is surprising is that Heartiste would have wanted to get in the way of Hitler’s campaign of hate and war. Heartiste, after all, is an increasingly open far-right racist, who in a recent post blamed American “emasculization” on the “[l]ack of a cleansing war.” (Really, because it seems to me that we ARE at war, and just got out of another war, and I don’t know if you saw this in the news or anything, but we’ve got some military strikes on Syria penciled in for later this week.) And if you go through Heartiste’s comments section you will certainly find plenty of people who don’t think Hitler needed any excuse to hate Jews — because they’re just so inherently hateable!
Hitler and Heartiste, two terrible tastes that taste disgusting together.
EDIT: Oh, by the way, the Blue Pill subreddit is totally on this whole Hitler as pickup artist thing. Here’s the original discussion, a spinoff discussion in r/badhistory, and a picture of PUA Hitler trying a little kino escalation (from here).
I can totally see pua hitler as one of these guys:
Dating profile cartoons
What’s next for Fartiste–Pol Pot didn’t get enough hugs?
If only someone had thought to teach Mao pick-up he’d never have let all those people starve to death.
Well the one thing you can say about the Nazis is they were much snappier dressers than Heartiste and his fellow PUAs (http://gawker.com/5843124/hugo-boss-apologizes-for-making-nazis-look-fabulous)
@daintydougal: Hah! Sometimes Cracked just nails it.
Their ‘douchbag to English’ phrase dictionary was great. Then they reached ‘the world would be a better place if people with low IQs weren’t allowed to reproduce,’ and they brought it right back to the Nazis and Hitler and KILLED IT.
Oh my god, he’s writing WWII fanfiction. . It should have been a STEP UP and he still balled it.
Let’s ignore the fact that the physical abuse he received from his father is a possible helped fuel his anger, falling into a bad ideology (Nazism), being a drug addict and not being right in the head. Also he got plenty of sex later on and had several women before is devout marriage to Eva.
I have nothing serious to say other than I bow to the brilliance of Sir Bodsworth. That is all. Despite the fact that Heartiste’s blatherings are depressing beyond imagination I’m laughing my ass off at that video.
The good news is that this is the first time I saw a bunch of Heartiste commenters bash one of his stupid theoretical posts. The bad news though is that they were only bashing him for insulting a great man like Hitler by calling him a beta male. *sigh*
To be fair, ‘womyn’ ‘wimmin’ and various other spellings were adopted by certain second-wavers in the 70’s and 80’s, then it became a joke. I don’t think anyone besides antifeminists uses them now.
There are feminists who use “womyn” and “womon”, but it’s not about hating men, it’s just about men not being the default. I personally am okay with “women” and “woman”, but I understand the argument for “womyn”.
If a fourteen-year-old is “in control of the situation” enough to legally consent to sex then I really don’t see why we don’t just start pulling our jury members straight out of 9th grade. Why bother paying adults when we know minors are “just as in control” and mature as adults?
All the school district would have to do is add “Jury Duty” to the list of excused absences. Easy peasy.
That judge is a moron.
That judge is disgusting. There is no way that excuse should be allowed to be made. I don’t care how mature a child or adolescent is, zie don’t have the same life experience. There is no way, ever, that a fourteen year old is in as much control of a sexual situation than an adult involved, especially an adult who has authority over zir. That judge should be punished for misconduct or whatever it is when a judge lets zir creepy personal feelings affect the outcome of a case.
Or let them drive, drink, enlist or buy guns, for that matter.
But if it’s about sex and someone’s creeping on them, that judge is okay with it. Just… ughh, no.
Well, we all know that her teacher can’t POSSIBLY have been in the wrong. I mean, 14-year-olds are just so seductive! There’s no grown-ass man who is supposed to be in control of his own libido that can possibly resist them!
Seriously, though, I get more and more pissed off the more I hear about cases where the child is ruled to have seduced the adult.
Long, but the relevant CT law?
I’ve bolded the relevant bits, and how this is de facto a class B felony…on paper anyways.
Ok that was really long, sorry.
Argenti: But the crime was in Montana.
Doesn’t mean I can’t be cranky about it being a serious crime here and apparently fucking nothing there. Relevant was probably the wrong word though huh?
I did personally know one feminist back in the late 80s who campaigned to replace words like disseminate with disovulate.
She didn’t get very far, as most people considered her something of a crank.
Oops, that last sentence should not be italicized. That’ll teach me to HTML without caffeine.
Argenti: It’s a serious crime in Montana, too:
http://leg.mt.gov/bills/mca/45/5/45-5-503.htm Short version: It should’ve been almost impossible for this scumbag to get off with less than 4 years in jail, and life in prison was a real possibility.
The problem here isn’t the state, it’s the judge, who pretty much ignored the law to protect the poor, seduced adult man from facing the consequences of his actions. If the girl had been two years younger, the judge wouldn’t even have been able to do that–it would’ve been 25 years, bare minimum, no parole or reductions allowed.
So, yeah, blame the piece of shit judge, not the state as a whole. Hopefully, they’ll have a way to unseat the unfit jurist.
David Futrelle
So basically this guy is saying that Hitler was bitter becouse girls didn’t like him. Okay, has heard of Eva Braun? I mean if all his genocidal hatred was simply because no girl wanted him, why didn’t having a girl friend actually change that?
Not to mention the fact that I haven’t read Mein Kamph, but I doubt that Hitler sites his inability to hookup as a reason why “the genetically inferior” must die.
The Heartiste blog has now been around for several years. And yet Western civilization continues to steamroll over it on its merry way towards gender and racial equality. Feminism is still a thing. Dictators continue to exist.
How does he explain that one to his followers?