This is the actual cover for a little self-published alpha-male how-to book I found on Amazon, and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a more awesome book cover in my life.
I mean, let’s just start with the fact that becoming an Alpha Male apparently makes you literally a giant, and somehow in the process removes any shadows or reflections that you might have previously cast upon the world. And it makes you irresistible to similarly gigantic women, provided they are standing at an angle that bears no relation to earth gravity and lit by their own light source.
And then there’s the weirdly ambiguous title of the book, which suggests you are becoming an Alpha Male for other men.
The book description is pretty awesome as well.
HOW TO BECOME AN ALPHA MALE FOR TODAY’S MAN. How to become an alpha male is the trending topic among men all across the world today. In this book you will find an easy to follow simplified guide to transforming into the man whom women are diligently seeking after but fail to find.
Why would you want to turn yourself into a man the women can’t find?
This informative book will satisfy your quest for who you are. You are an alpha male who deserves the excitement and pleasure and all the luxuries the life of an alpha male have to offer.
Like the luxury of expanding to THREE TIMES NORMAL HUMAN SIZE!
You will find proven techniques that will save you valuable time and money also sure fire methods that will guarantee promising results. Based on extensive and expensive field research the author T.Mills have scientifically gathered useful data that have been tried and tested with striking results.
Apparently he never tried and tested his promotional copy with a copy editor, though.
After reading this book you will find yourself excited about becoming an alpha male. Imagine being in control of unlimited pleasure. Your desires fulfilled simply by applying these step by step methods. Having your way in every situation without worrying about the threat of opposition. This is the life of an alpha male. How To Become An Alpha Male For Today’s Man contains the necessary tools in an intimate one on one encounter within this book.
Wait, what? Is he suggesting that we … have sex with the book?
Because that works for me. This book cover is just that irresistible.
I might even have to procure this work of literature and read it, or something.
Speaking of hilariously cheesy book cover fails, I can’t resist sharing this one:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/15/dough-sehorne-modern-family-ebook_n_3762592.html
This guy was too lazy and/or inept to photoshop his own, so he just stole an image from the internet.
Sorry, it isn’t otherwise related, but it’s funny to me.
I’ve actually seen this book cover before (minus the giant people), on some self-published novellas that I really enjoyed. I’m going to expend some effort to forget ever having seen this piece of excrement, so as not to tarnish my enjoyment when I re-read said novellas.
Or perhaps I’m going to vision never having visioned this book.
Anyway, David, I really enjoyed this post. I needed a good laugh today.
Interesting dichotomy there.
I gotta say, the giant women look a little skeptical. They’re in business suits. I’m imagining that they’re real estate agents and they’re thinking, “He said his source of income was self-published dating advice books? Yeah, we’re going to need a *big* down payment here.”
The giant leaning women don’t even look all that impressed by the giant Alpha Male™, especially not the one on the right.
If anyone does decide to buy this book, I’d appreciate it being sent on to me after the mocking ends, so that I may use it for a fitting purpose. Shredded and used as ferret litter.
And, the PUF (pick up ferret, nicknamed on another thread for his love of girls in general and his obsession with literal attempts to get into my pants,) is no longer my baby. He turned 1 yesterday. :::Wipes tear:::
That’s the longest “text” I’ve ever seen.
Also, can I just say that as a self-published writer/comic guy, it hurts me deep in my hack soul to see such abysmal cover designs? I mean, I know mine won’t win any awards, but at least I don’t steal copyrighted images!
RE: Kittehs
not to mention the sour joke of predators deliberately ignoring the body language that says “No” when there isn’t a definite and loud verbal “No,” as I said above. Bullshit these guys are going with the body language when it doesn’t say what they want to hear.
Actually, I just realized that those assholes will take ANY sign of possible dissonance as a ‘yes.’ I remember past trolls (including Orion) arguing how they won’t respect a ‘soft no,’ where a woman’s body language seems to them to say yes. But at the same time, ‘no’ body language without clear verbal ‘no’ is also considered suspect. (“She’s just nervous!”)
It’s almost like these people don’t misunderstand at all, and just want to find some excuse to get off!
RE: serrana
Oh my god. That was so awful, it became AMAZING. Truly hilarible.
TW: rape
LBT – exactly.
I really think all they care about with “yes/no” is being able to persuade others there was a yes, and to gaslight their victim. I’m really cynical about the likelihood that they’re deceiving themselves that zie was into it, really! This whole thing is about how to rape and get away with it, and not be put to the bother of having to use physical force that might just make the victim more likely to think zie was raped (rather than blaming zirself) and maybe, just maybe, risk going to the police.
Did anyone read the review? Sounded a lot like Mr Elam to me.
@LBT: That was my thought as well. As someone who leans heavily on amateurishly ‘Shopped covers, I’m always bemused when I find someone with a cover that’s uglier than one of mine.
Also, the description. I realize that non-fiction self-pubs usually have a healthy amount of bullshit in the description. It’s the nature of the beast – when you don’t have a legit imprint to give yourself gravitas, you have to sell yourself a little harder. But even so, this:
…is insane. Anyone here read this as anything other than “I spend half my life in the club”?
Andrew – ridiculous, rather than insane (insane =/= absurd misogynist) but yeah, and it reads like he never gets a second date, or time to do not-date stuff, because in the event he gets a first date … that’s as far as it ever goes. Nobody’d make that mistake twice.
Interesting – the digital version has a different cover. Which makes it look like an erotic romance novel.
Hey, let’s take a look at that table of contents:
Beautiful. Presumably, this is some of that NLP crap (“below me”) that’s used to separate the lonely and desperate from their money. But hey, if mind control doesn’t work, why not just bend reality to your whim?
Somehow, I doubt that this is what Oprah had in mind when she added The Secret to her book list.
Then how come he didn’t get Harvard University Press publish his book??
The Kindle version of the book has a completely different cover, displaying a disembodied naked and ripped male chest clearly meant to be sexually titillating to attract the reader, and making the ambiguity of the book’s title even *more* ambiguous.
I’m perplexed by Amazon’s pricing. How come a new paperback version can be had for $7.50, but a used one costs $19.89? Not that I’m planning to buy it in any form, just idly curious.
Amused – LOL!
Ewww, that Kindle cover is about as unerotic as anything I’ve seen for a while. Apart from the fact that I find ripped torsos repellent rather than erotic, this one looks like it’s made of shiny plastic.
Double ewwww.
Wow. As an amateur art critic and sometimes-professional editor, this thing is like Fate making and serving a giant bowl of mixed cheddar and caramel popcorn, just for me!.
Also, what the actual fuck. Aesthetic hilarity aside, let’s talk about the content through the use of a little story. My dad and stepmother are very big on the “law of attraction” bullshit, and it is horrible damaging stuff. They literally thought-police themselves and everyone in their lives. My father’s sister suffers from MS, and my dad attributes it (no shit) to “negative thinking” and the fact that she is a Democrat who keeps current on Rush Limbaugh’s bullshit in order to criticize it. Apparently the “competing thoughts” caused the muscles in her leg to atrophy, in turn causing her terrible constant pain. Right.
Also, at one point in my very early twenties, I had just exited an abusive relationship wherein I had been robbed of the sum of money I’d been saving to survive off of due to my own accelerating disability, I was living in a van that was not my van, and I wanted to move to another city in another state to completely change my life. I appealed to my dad, who had never paid child support when I was growing up in poverty but who had wanted to make friendly once I turned 18 and he knew for sure he would never have any other children. He promised to help and sent me something he swore would “change my life.”
It was a DVD of “The Secret.” I couldn’t even sell that shit on eBay for 99 cents.
This How To Alpha book is all of that, but for aspiring rapists.
Fuuuuuuuuuuck.
I loathe that whole Law of Attraction stuff, and that’s one hell of an example of why it’s just victim blaming bullshit taken to the Nth degree. 🙁
So, your old man was the “o hai, I’ve got a kid” variety too, huh? Mine pulled that stunt by sending Mum a card on what would have been their 40th anniversary. They’d been divorced longer than they were married and he was long since remarried with stepkids (the same ones who, at the time he was cheating on Mum, he kept telling us what lovely kids they were). He wrote this BS about “wanting to get to know me” and I wrote back as acidly as I could that the time to do that was decades ago. He wasn’t interested then, I wasn’t interested now.
It’s kinda sad that men are told they have to be alpha to obtain the attentions of a woman. Some men and some women just aren’t dominant. Luckily, or the world wouldn’t work very well.
Guffaw-ferrets, I’m sorry your dad was such a jerk. Yours too, kitteh. That law-of-the-attraction bullshit just seems like an excuse to blame the victim, for one thing.
Oh lord, the law of attraction. That kind of magical thinking really gives me the skeeves. You can’t just WANT things into being. You have to actually do shit, and sometimes, you really can’t make a thing happen. It creeps me out that so many adults seem to believe otherwise.
I mean, I have noticed that when I put my mind into a certain alignment, things tend to go better for me. But that’s not because I’m magically attracting good things into my life; that’s absurd. It’s just that I’m in a mental state where I’m more able to take advantage of it, or recognize it. WAY different.
And yeah, we came from a waaaaay different family situation, but our parents didn’t show much interest in getting to know us until it was already obvious we were heading out the door. Only then did it occur to our father to ask about, say, how old Sneak was. Let me tell you, if you have to seriously ask your kid how old they are, something’s wrong.
@serrana – merci madame! 🙂
@LBT –
QFT! Even on the being-in-contact-with-spirit side of things (persons who don’t go for this can skip, lol) it doesn’t work that way. If it did, I wouldn’t have spent over twenty years not in contact with Louis.
serrana, thanks for the condolences! He is a source of morbid hilarity, at least, as long as it’s from a distance.
kitteh, welcome to the “shitty dad” club! We have meetings, basically where we all tell our stories, then get bitter and console one another. There is popcorn, but you have to bring your own.
LBT, yeah, total agreement: “my mental state is finally good enough for me to function in certain ways” is definitely a lot better and a whole different kettle of fish than than “I imagined I had a million dollars, so by golly, I’m going to bring a million dollars into my hand/bank account WITH ONLY THE POWERS OF MY MIND.”