This is the actual cover for a little self-published alpha-male how-to book I found on Amazon, and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a more awesome book cover in my life.
I mean, let’s just start with the fact that becoming an Alpha Male apparently makes you literally a giant, and somehow in the process removes any shadows or reflections that you might have previously cast upon the world. And it makes you irresistible to similarly gigantic women, provided they are standing at an angle that bears no relation to earth gravity and lit by their own light source.
And then there’s the weirdly ambiguous title of the book, which suggests you are becoming an Alpha Male for other men.
The book description is pretty awesome as well.
HOW TO BECOME AN ALPHA MALE FOR TODAY’S MAN. How to become an alpha male is the trending topic among men all across the world today. In this book you will find an easy to follow simplified guide to transforming into the man whom women are diligently seeking after but fail to find.
Why would you want to turn yourself into a man the women can’t find?
This informative book will satisfy your quest for who you are. You are an alpha male who deserves the excitement and pleasure and all the luxuries the life of an alpha male have to offer.
Like the luxury of expanding to THREE TIMES NORMAL HUMAN SIZE!
You will find proven techniques that will save you valuable time and money also sure fire methods that will guarantee promising results. Based on extensive and expensive field research the author T.Mills have scientifically gathered useful data that have been tried and tested with striking results.
Apparently he never tried and tested his promotional copy with a copy editor, though.
After reading this book you will find yourself excited about becoming an alpha male. Imagine being in control of unlimited pleasure. Your desires fulfilled simply by applying these step by step methods. Having your way in every situation without worrying about the threat of opposition. This is the life of an alpha male. How To Become An Alpha Male For Today’s Man contains the necessary tools in an intimate one on one encounter within this book.
Wait, what? Is he suggesting that we … have sex with the book?
Because that works for me. This book cover is just that irresistible.
I might even have to procure this work of literature and read it, or something.
AMY: So that’s how DNA works?
THE DOCTOR: Not remotely, but if it helps….
RE: girlscientist
@LBT: Hi! I’ve read some of your comics and i really like them. This morning I was really late for a meeting, and I was in danger of succumbing to shame. Then I visualized your Self-Hate monster, and I bought myself a mocha instead. So thanks for inspiring me!
Oh hey! I’m glad they were helpful for you and you liked them. I’ve kinda had a bad day today, so I’m glad to hear good news like that.
(The good news: we’re on SSI! The bad news: it’s not enough to live on–less than a third the average asking rent here. And it’ll take at least two months to change.)
“I mean, let’s just start with the fact that becoming an Alpha Male apparently makes you literally a giant, and somehow in the process removes any shadows or reflections that you might have previously cast upon the world.”
Also, it makes your eyebrows grow straight up, like Mr. Spock’s.
“And it makes you irresistible to similarly gigantic women, provided they are standing at an angle that bears no relation to earth gravity and lit by their own light source.”
Yeah, and it freezes them in place like Lot’s wife looking back at the Cities of the Plain.
“Why would you want to turn yourself into a man the women can’t find?”
Lesson #12(b): Say “Officer, I never saw that woman before in my life” ten times in succession, swiftly and clearly, without pausing for breath. Practice until you can do this with assurance, then increase the number of repetitions to twelve, then to fifteen, then to eighteen. Ideally, you should be able to perform this task indefinitely without even thinking about it. (Hint: the officer will say that’s he’s heard Lesson #12(b) before. Don’t be discouraged; Lesson #12(b) was formulated with a tough audience in mind. The fact that the officer has heard Lesson #12(b) before only means you’ll have to strive for more conviction. Think of it this way: that’s is what you’ve been practicing for.)
(Okay, I made that up.)
Nooooooooo! Less conviction! That’s the point!!!!
Sorry the SSI is so low–at least it’s not nothing, I guess.
RE: katz
*sigh* Yeah. Unfortunately, unless I work under the table (and make more than I have been), I can’t actually afford living here. Nor can I afford to leave, because I need the healthcare.
You know, I’m a cheap bastard. I can make shit happen. But all I want is four walls and a window. I’m so tired of scoping out bridges, and hating my friends because their guestrooms are nicer than anything I can have, and being driven into a berserker frenzy over fucking windows. I’m tired and I’m crazy and I’m still trying to rig up temporary housing for September and godfuckingdammit.
I mean, yeah, it’s better than what I had before, and I know things will get better. I’m just so tired of feeling like a bloated leech sucking the blood of humanity WHEN I CAN’T EVEN AFFORD HOUSING.
Do you lose it if you work?
It gets cut down, yes. And I’ve actually BEEN working, literally since day one of losing my mind. It just isn’t enough, even if I hide it from the government so they don’t cut down my benefits. Like, on a really blazing month of functionality and generosity, I make maybe $200. I would have to be able to do that ALWAYS now.
Sorry, LBT. That sucks.
“Nooooooooo! Less conviction! That’s the point!!!!”
Well…fewer convictions, at any rate. (Made-up Alpha Male Rule #6: “The Alpha Male with the fewest convictions always wins.”)
Still, I stand corrected.
And even then, a very low rent here is about $500. So I’d have two-hundred dollars left for EVERYTHING else–utilities, phone, laundry, medication, health insurance co-pays, clothing, toothpaste, the rest of it.
Like, I could make it work… but we’re talking scraping really bad here, and complete disaster if ANYTHING goes wrong. And as someone who’s mentally ill, has no security, and can’t afford to buy anything but the cheapest of anything, shit WILL go wrong.
I’m just angry right now at how functional I’m forced to be even to have the luxury of being fucking disabled. All I want is to sleep for a million years and wake up when all of this is fucking over and homelessness isn’t my co-pilot anymore.
LBT, I’m so sorry your SSI is so low. It’s the same with welfare here – just not enough for anyone to indulge in luxuries like food and shelter. 🙁
girlscientist – thanks for posting those ads! I’d seen the first one before and loved it.
I wonder if whoever made the second spent far too much time watching Dr Who as a kid …
Sorry for ranting. I’ve just been fighting for this for a year now, and it’s getting to me. (Yes, I realize that’s average but you try living on fucking air for a year without making your health worse.)
No apologies needed, LBT. Virtual hugs if you want ’em.
I think the strange angle of the women, and the protrusion of rock, is because the sight of that Alpha-Man made them to a double-take so hard their stopping energy broke the pavement
Just saw this:
http://24.media.tumblr.com/3c4ff114a93f1033f83d1b33281e83fa/tumblr_mkyeztVcWD1rhkwkto1_500.jpg
V____________V
PLEASE BE A JOKE
Ally: Given the neckbeard, I’m pretty sure it’s a joke. Perfect picture for it.
I think it is, with that picture. I really, really hope it is …
::whispers:: and I really hope that beard’s fake …
It sounds like a send-up of the Asshat Atheist brigade, certainly.
That’s why I’m not sure if it’s a joke. I’ve seen my fair share of terrible movement atheists.
RE: pecunium
I like your explanation best.
RE: tumblr
It’s tumblr. Poe’s Law is in full effect.
Even if that IS bullshit, I recently ran into a political cartoon that wasn’t claiming that gays are more oppressed than disabled folks because they can’t get married. *headdesk* Ed Wood have mercy upon me.
Also goddamn you people, you got me hooked on takedowns of The Secret.
@LBT: Yay! and bummer 🙁 I hope you find something. I keep my fingers crossed for you.
Hugs if you want them, LBT. :<
Also, I sent you a PM via the Man Boobz forums – I wanted to email you, but I don't have your email address.
Yayboowhoopsfucksorry. 🙁
@ Ally S:
It can be a little hard to tell if that’s a joke, especially if the ones who are serious really do sound that bizarre/stupid/horrible.