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An ode to the Average Woman of Today, from a man who hates her guts

The Average American Woman, Apparently
The Average Woman, Apparently

Over on MGTOWforums.com, a fellow calling himself donttrustwomen has written a little, well, I don’t quite know what it is — an essay? a manifesto? a poem? — called “The Average Woman of Today.” I think it’s fairly clear from reading it that he has never taken a course in statistics. And has possibly never actually met a woman.

The average woman of today is in the club every weekend

The average woman of today has 10-20 “good guy friends”

The average woman of today has 150 guys in her phone

The average woman of today dresses scandalous

I don’t know about that, but I’m pretty sure the average woman (of a certain age) of today watches Notorious.

Our MGTOW statistician continues:

The average woman of today has 1-2 abortions on her resume

I don’t think that generally goes on the resume. Where would it even go? Under “hobbies?”

Also, according to the Guttmacher Institute, less than half of American women have abortions by the age of 45. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

The average woman of today has or had a STD

Well, this is true. It’s also true of the average man of today. Indeed, according to the CDC, Human Papillomavirus (HPV) is so common that nearly all sexually active people get it at some point in their life. Happily, most STDs are treatable. Also, use condoms!

The average woman of today cheats on her boyfriend or husband

Well, this is also true, at least according to the stats I found here, which suggest that a little more than half of women cheat on their partners at some point in their life. But guess what? Men cheat on their partners in similar numbers.

The average woman of today curses like a sailor

The average woman of today wears to much makeup

The average woman of today seeks attention whether negative or positive

Huh. For some reason the first person who pops to mind when I hear the phrase “attention seeking” is not a woman.

The average woman of today is on dating sites getting 100 msgs a day

Not exactly. There aren’t good numbers on this, but one online experiment found that while more conventionally attractive women could indeed get dozens of messages a day, an average woman might get all of three.

Also, have you actually seen the sorts of messages women on dating sites get? Who would even want to sort through a hundred of these a day?

The average woman of today expects you to pay her bills

Uh, what?

The average woman of today expects you to raise and accept her child out of wedlock

Well, no. But if you do agree to, say, marry a woman with children, her kids do indeed come as part of the deal. Just as when a woman marries a divorced father with kids. You are of course free to not date women with children or indeed any women at all.

The average woman of today rarely brings any redeeming qualities to the table

I’m not really seeing how a regular commenter on MGTOWforums.com really has any reason to complain on this front.

The average woman of today is manipulative

The average woman of today is selfish

The average woman of today gets bored easily

I think you may actually be talking about kitties here, not women. But kitties are adorable, so we forgive them.

naughtykitties

Onward:

The average woman of today is on facebook, twitter, instagram feeding her ego through likes and followers

Yeah, no men ever do that.

The average woman of today would be stoned and called a harlot 3,000 years ago

The average woman of today rides the cock carousel

The average woman of today gives it up on the first night

Why does it make these guys so angry that there are women out there who enjoy having sex with men?

The average woman of today is unappreciative

Of dudes on the internet who hate her?

The average woman of today has lewd photos or videos circulating on the internet

Despite the astounding number of lewd pictures and videos online, I suspect that the percentage of women who’ve appeared in them is still relatively small. I wonder, though, how the number of women who’ve put nude or “lewd” pics of themselves on the internet compares to the number of guys who’ve sent dick pics to willing or unwilling recipients?

The average woman of today follows hypergamy

“Hypergamy,” in the traditional sense of “marrying upward” is actually on the decline, as women move in greater numbers into better paying jobs. “Doctors used to marry nurses,” Katrin Bennhold observes in a piece on the subject in the New York Times. “Now doctors marry doctors.”

The average woman of today files for divorce 70 percent of the time

Donttrustwomen seems to be confusing a couple of different statistics here. Yes, when couples divorce, the woman is more likely to be the one to file for divorce — though this does not necessarily imply that she’s the one responsible for breaking up the marriage. But 70% of marriages don’t end in divorce. Heck, the old saw about 50% of marriages ending in divorce is a myth; the correct percentage may be as low as 30.

The average woman of today looks for a starter husband

The average woman of today can’t tell the difference between a guy who cares about them and a guy who just wants them for sex

The average woman of today is unfit to marry or even call a girlfriend.

Keep telling yourself all this, dude. It’s in everybody’s best interests for you, personally, to continue to go your own way. Aren’t you guys getting an island, or something?

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kittehserf
11 years ago

mildlymagnificent – whoot! Congratulations and huzzah for average anniversary, average family with Cunning Surprises and average chocolate cake!

Viscaria
Viscaria
11 years ago

I have an enduring fondness for made-for-tv and straight-to-dvd romcoms. Sometimes they are really sweet and silly and light. Sometimes they are absolutely dripping with misogyny. Alexis Bledel did one in 2009 called Post Grad which gives us the takeaway message: women who don’t sleep with the Nice Guys who pretend to be their friends are manipulative users (the women are the users, I mean, not the Nice Guys). You should realize that no man is ever going to be nice to you for any extended period of time unless they are hoping that you will sleep with them, and you are a bad person if you don’t. Also, women with their silly irrational feeeelings are exhausting, not like men, who never need support ever.

It was probably the most blatantly anti-woman film I’ve ever seen that was a) less than 50 years old and b) obviously intended for a female audience. Still, it had its fun moments.

hellkell
hellkell
11 years ago

Viscaria: I have the same fondness for those kind of movies too. My inner 12 year old who devoured trashy books was very happy to learn that Flowers in the Attic is being remade into a Lifetime movie with a decent cast–Ellen Burstyn, Heather Graham, etc. Those books are beyond “problematic,” but PASS THE POPCORN.

takshak
takshak
11 years ago

The average woman has a giant pile of linen and trim to turn into Eastern Roman garb in the near future.

ooooh, pics? I love making the fancy stuff, but I can’t wear it without feeling awkward.

The averge woman of today must clean the catbox, or else.

Viscaria
Viscaria
11 years ago

My inner 12 year old who devoured trashy books was very happy to learn that Flowers in the Attic is being remade into a Lifetime movie with a decent cast–Ellen Burstyn, Heather Graham, etc.

My inner 12 year old is squee-ing at your inner 12 year old for sharing this information.

Fibinachi
Fibinachi
11 years ago

Oh yeah, the 100 girls movie. Picture perfect example of something that’s supposed to be funny and really just ends up insulting humanity.

The average woman of today is statistically average!

The average woman of today has two eyes, two arms and two legs!

The average woman of today is an amalgamation of general traits wherein the mean is taken by combining them all together and deriving a description of the person from that!

The average woman of today is not the average woman of 3000 years ago!

The average woman of today who is the average woman of 3000 years ago is really Ebzial, The Ageless, The Unmaker, The Drinker of Woe, The Patron of Wind and the Cancer at the Heart of the World.

The average woman of today is 50 % human and 50 % cat.

M Dubz
11 years ago

The average woman of today drove for eight hours yesterday to come home from her summer job.

The average woman of today is looking forward to cooking for herself for the first time in two months.

The average woman is looking forward less to doing all of the edits that need to be done on her High Holiday sermon (because the average woman is Jewish).

Also, the average woman has many friends of all sorts of different genders, because different people make life the tits.

M Dubz
11 years ago

@mildlymagnificent- congratulations, average woman, on a very not-average milestone!

pecunium
11 years ago

I found in interesting that the IMDB reviews of the movie had one which said, “I like 8 days a week, and wanted to like this one but it sucked all the suck.”

Falconer
11 years ago

Upon sighting the post pic, the average man’s neck snapped back this far and he was heard to utter, “Jayzus!”

@ignotussomnium

The average woman is proficient at needlework and needle-related martial arts.

Needle-related martial arts?

The average man has gotten sidetracked onto Problem Sleuth, and is just letting it all wash over him.

Falconer
11 years ago

The average man also just does not get what’s so attractive about Attack on Titan.

Jessay (@jessay)
11 years ago

Honestly, I haven’t been so angry at a film in, maybe, ever. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I ate it up as a pre-teen and am afraid of how it might have influenced my internal misogyny for so many years. Maybe because i read reviews of aholes gushing over how intelligent and thought provoking it is. I don’t know, but I spent a while on the imdb board angrily disecting it last night and wrote a novel between various comments.

@Viscaria, this film had a character (Jamie Presley) who used her good looks to get men to do favors for her (and framed it as she was deliberately using them, not that they were just offering) and it comes back to bite her in the ass when some of those men accidentally drop a sofa and it hits her in the face, disfiguring her. Like, jfc man. Don’t hide your contempt for attractive women even a little bit.

@Fibinachi yes, it not only insults women, but treats men as if they have no self control and literally can only be considered good guys when juxtaposed against an actual rapist. Like, is that really the message you want to send about men???

And now hearing the plot of 8 Days a Week, I don’t know which is more disgusting. This dude can’t seem to differentiate between romance and terrifying boundary violation. Fuck, man.

Viscaria
Viscaria
11 years ago

Gah, Jessay, that movie sounds truly, powerfully awful.

kittehserf
11 years ago

The averge woman of today must clean the catbox, or else.

Ditto!

The Patron of Wind

Irritable bowel syndrome confers godlike power? Cool!

kittehserf
11 years ago

‘Ere, wot ‘appened to my second blockquote? O blockquote monster, hast thou deserted me?

katz
11 years ago

I would kill to write a Misogynistic Movie Reviews feature. Kill men, that is. Because I’m a feminist.

It’d go well at my media criticism blog…

LBT
LBT
11 years ago

I really like your media criticism, katz. If you did misogynist movie reviews, I’d read!

And wow, that movie sounds SHIT, Jessay. I enjoy B movies and various types of dreck, but the romcom formula often really doesn’t do it for me. (Except for ‘Just Like Heaven.’ I like that one.)

Speaking of shitty movies, I DID recently watch ‘Double Team,’ which stars Jean Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman! They meet in a kinky queer sex club, and Dennis Rodman spends most of the movie dressed in stuff my husband wishes he could. There is also THE MOST EPIC DEATH IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA. Seriously, it involves both the above actors, Mickey Rourke, a Roman coliseum, a baby, a tiger, HUGE FUCKING EXPLOSIONS, and a Coke machine. It was gloooooorious.

Tracy Bradley
Tracy Bradley
11 years ago

The average woman of today cannot paint her toenails without getting pollish all over her fingers.

The average woman of today is making a cheeseball to take to her mother’s tomorrow, although will eat half of it, with gusto, tonight.

The average woman of today spent Thursday evening doing a read-through of her friend’s play, then group reading out loud from a 1978 Whole Earth catalogue and laughing.

The average woman of today is turtles all the way down.

Argenti Aertheri
11 years ago

The average Argenti (if there were such a thing) is on a 10g water change a day trend. The 30g has not stabilized.

katz
11 years ago

I really like your media criticism, katz. If you did misogynist movie reviews, I’d read!

I was thinking Shaenon could guest post if she liked 🙂

LBT
LBT
11 years ago

The average me of today spent a happy hour making graphs and tables comparing writeathon prompters and sponsors. He is pleased to announce that he’s doing quite well! (And also has learned that roughly eight prompts per writeathon is pretty much the sweet spot. More than that and the average me will start having health problems.)

kittehserf
11 years ago

The average woman of today is about to get blown away by the howling gale outside, ‘cos the average cats of today need food.

grumpycatisagirl
grumpycatisagirl
11 years ago

Hooray for the average LBT!

Yazikus
Yazikus
11 years ago

Argenti, I was on a 50% daily water change for six weeks, and finally stabilized, as an average woman. Good luck!

I’ve got some great love for King’s Quest, but are there any Quest for Glory or Space Quest fans out there? I loved upping my skills as a thief by ‘picking my nose’. Just sayin.