An All-Goat Interpretation of the Men’s Rights Movement

One of my favorite thing with goats is the version of Wrath of Khan where they replaced all of William Shatner’s lines:

http://youtu.be/YllXtbNikxc

Well, okay, it was just a bit from Family Guy but I love it still…

I wonder if anyone could come up with a good evo psych explanation of the wallet thing. Did the most skilled mammoth hunters have weird rectagular bumps on their asses?

[Mocking MRA Mode]Well, obviously back when we were cave men – women could totally tell who was the alpha by how calloused his ass was, since it was considered at the time to be a sign of strength and hard work. Only betas would have uncalloused asses and thus forever friend-zoned, forced to become degraded regularly by the tribeswomen – whose only concern, as it is now, is to make as many babies as possible by fooling alphas into sleeping with them and then taking all their stuff as their own like parasites.[Mocking MRA Mode]

I think that’s pretty close! 😛

Oh, he proposed to a woman that’s deemed as unattractive in the eyes of the manosphere. *yawn* carry on.

Throughout evolutionary history, female humans have always chosen males with fat, flat buttock pads for their mating partners. The females recognized that their male offspring, should they inherit the rectangular buttock deposits, would have a better chance of survival; as they, like females, would be able to sit on hard surfaces.

Expert mammoth hunters strapped rocks to their butts for armor. Cave ladies were smitten by the male tool-building logic.

The rocks were squares, of course, because round things are feminine and not fit for mammoth hunting.

But, but – hard chairs! Does this mean Mr Tom “Delicate Botty” Martin is really a BETA???

Men who were good mammoth hunters were allowed to cut off a square patch of mammoth skin after every kill, and affix it to one of their buttock cheeks with tree sap. The best hunters could be easily identified by women, who would then redden their lips and nipples with berry juice to pretend to be more attractive than they were, those hypergamous bitches.

@Kittehs, well what it definitely means is any woman not sleeping with Tom is a hyper famous wh*re.

Cool, I never thought I’d qualify! (Hypergamous, hyper famous, either will do.)

Well, the wallet thing is certainly … interesting. I’ve actually had the opposite problem: I don’t really want to stare at most men (unless they are wearing tights, type of thing, probably) — but I work in music, a lot of dudes wear very skinny pants, and one such dude always has a freaking *enormous* lump in his front left pocket area. It is so distracting that whenever he’s been on a stage in front of me, I’ve found myself staring at it — pretty much in distress, for fear that …. whatever it was … could be really uncomfortable to him for a lot of reasons (maybe a hernia situation or something).

Turns out, from further observation, that it’s really just his iPhone, keys, wallet, cough drops, stash bag, whatever he has in both of his pockets before he goes onstage — he is right-handed and wears his bass too low, so the body of it rests against his right hip and he transfers all his goodies to the left-hand side to compensate before he goes onstage. I guess the thought of leaving his shit in the van or the green room has never crossed his mind,

Regardless, I wonder how an MRA would interpret this situation — especially since I know I haven’t been the only one staring during some shows, and most of the other stare-ers I’ve caught in action have been (ostensibly straight) dudes. You could pretty much draw a laser line in the air from their eyeballs to this other guy’s crotch, and they didn’t look nearly as distressed or concerned as I did either. EVO-‘SPLAIN THAT ONE TO ME!

All I know is when when I’m surreptitiously checking out a guy’s nice ass, only to realize my view is partially obstructed by his goddamn wallet, the thing I feel is mild irritation. I like my nice back-ends presented symmetrically, dammit! Is it too much to expect random men on the street to read my mind and give a crap about what I expect from them?

Oh, my thoughts on wallet bluges? Doesn’t that make your back go all wonky, sitting at an angle with one ass check higher than the other?

Backstory here — my back thinks a 20~ curve is a good time, thus I cannot fathom why anyone would intentionally cause themselves to sit lopsided. (My back also currently thinks I’m an asshole for cleaning and rearranging my room, but that’s neither here nor there)

The inevitable:

lowquacks: you’d think, right? Makes total sense. New suggested MRA slogan: “Front Pockets, Purse, Or Uncomfortable Seating — MAKE YOUR CHOICE!”

Also, I keep my wallet in my front pocket.
Is that why I’m single?