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The No-Friend Zone

Ladies! Here, fresh from the MensRants subreddit is A Man With Whom You Do Not Want To Be Friends. Or acquaintances. Or anything, really. To be honest, you probably don’t even want this guy to spot you at a distance from the window of a speeding train. Much T.M.I. in this quote:

Why can't I be 'just friends' with a woman? (self.MensRants)  submitted 2 days ago by vestra4  I don't know, my ratio of social awkwardness - to - hormonal horniness seems so exquisitely fine-tuned, that it is hard for me to be near a woman, or talk to her, without roaring waves of sex lust filling my thoughts, and it's all I can do to keep these thoughts hidden until I am out of range of the woman, any woman, in question. Later I will undoubtably fantasize about her, just based on having been near her.  So the concept of being 'just friends' with a woman seems to me to be the most alien, self-deceiving torture I could possibly put myself through. Like eternally being in a candy store in which I cannot buy or taste the candy, like being in a library where I am not allowed to read the books.  A child who grew up going to church will say "Why yes, I believe in God" but what is it that they believe? Are they lying to themselves? Are they just saying what they have been trained to say? I never went to church and if I am asked "Do you believe in God", for me to say "Why, yes, I believe in God" would be me telling a lie, knowingly, willingly. And in a similar vein, a woman asking me "Can we be just friends?" must be met with an answer of No, for there will not be a moment of Time in which I am not pornographically violently thinking of filling her up with my seed, touching her skin, smelling her hair, sucking her breasts.  Perhaps I have too much libido, too much testosterone. How do other men do it? My mad and furious master would never allow it, and I am not sure I want to escape him, for that would mean a kind of death.

Dude, I would seriously suggest you start masturbating. A lot. Preferably not in public.

And try not to bother any actual women for a while, at least until you can start conceptualizing of them as something more than objects (like candy or books) that have been set out for you to use as you please.

Also, your “mad and furious master?” “Mad and furious master?” Did you really just write that? I think you mean your boner. If you want to get fancy, your libido. What are you, Heartiste? Can none of you idiots write about sex without getting all purple prosey on us?

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hellkell
hellkell
11 years ago

I’ll probably choke on a peanut at work listening to the shitty band du jour.

dustydeste
dustydeste
11 years ago

I refuse to do anything less than choke on a bonbon while listening to the screams of subjugated men… But really I’ll probably choke on a blueberry while listening to someone rummage through one of the dumpsters in the alley.

SittieKitty
11 years ago

I will trip and hit my head while trying to ironically choke on an apple.

tooimpurenangel
11 years ago

EA bowls???

tooimpurenangel
11 years ago

OH. Oh. BOWING. AS in violin. I’m sure I’d be embarrassed about that if I could stop laughing. And the allecto review was being sincere? I always thought it was satirizing strawfeminists. Boo =(

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
11 years ago

Lol, yep, bowing, with a violin bow. That she probably destroys.

Aw pecunium, I wouldn’t tease you with things you’re afraid of. Just stupid mudane shit that you hate. Feel free to use my hatred of eggplant or mayo against me 🙂

BlackBloc (@XBlackBlocX)

@freemage: I just got Shadowrun 5th edition. Squeeeeeee!

(You weirdos and your polyhedral dice. I like throwing 12 pounds of six-siders myself.)

pecunium
11 years ago

Argenti: I think I’ve been using Gin. 🙂

bookdragonette
bookdragonette
11 years ago

@BlackBloc

(You weirdos and your polyhedral dice. I like throwing 12 pounds of six-siders myself.)

Feh. ten-siders is where it’s at. Why yes, my group is rather into nWoD, why do you ask? (More the system than the setting. We like it for modern games, though we have played Vampire: the Requiem. Otherwise it’s Pathfinder.)

Way life is now, I’ll probably die by being run over by a lorry while trying to ignore my hated song du jour.

I’d rather go by choking on my coffee while listening to Queen.

katz
11 years ago

Ten-siders are an abomination. Real gamers use platonic solids only.

Shadist
Shadist
11 years ago

@BlackBloc

Between old school mechwarrior and Shadowrun my d6’s have their own gravitational pull.

Ally S
11 years ago

The non-troll thread derails on this site are pretty much the best I’ve ever seen.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
11 years ago

I don’t want to know. Then again, if you mean to sterilize your water, idk if you can get it there, but grain alcohol is legal here and the CT border isn’t that far of a drive.

Also, vodka. Because vodka.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
11 years ago

bookdragonette — oWoD!! NWoD is blasphemy! (I’m a big Malkavian fan, which should explain my nWoD hate)

bookdragonette
bookdragonette
11 years ago

@Argenti. Heh. I wouldn’t know, to be honest. I haven’t played any oWoD, ever. Did the Malkavians get screwed over?

tooimpurenangel
11 years ago

Yay, Malks! TEAM MALK 5EVA
*looks around* What?

MrFancyPants
MrFancyPants
11 years ago

I’m late to the thread, but I just have to say: what is the MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?! I don’t see a single link to a cat picture yet!

freemage
freemage
11 years ago

Oh, I get the appeal of using a brick’o’d6 to determine your fate. But sometimes I like to get all funky and formula-based. One of the systems I’m playing right now–Arcanis: World of Shattered Empires–uses a system so convoluted that in one attack, I roll 2d10 + 1d12 to hit, followed by d10 + d8 + d6 + 2d4 for damage, and that’s not counting modifiers.

And nWoD would’ve appealed to me more if the new Mage hadn’t been so… damn… dulzzzzzz…

pecunium
11 years ago

Argenti: I’ve been using Gin to tease you. Mostly I’ve been drinking tonic with a dash of lime.

pollydactyl
pollydactyl
11 years ago

I’ve been playing a nWoD Changeling campaign! It’s been a lot of fun. But I do miss using different kinds of dice. I get sick of only d10s. I want to use my pretty sparkly d20!

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
11 years ago

Oh so you meant that *I* think *you’ve* been drinking gin. You fucking up your pronouns then, hence the confusion!

Malkavians get screwed? In a word, yes.

tooimpurenangel — you fail at the madness network I take it? Souldn’t we have automatically know about each other? XD

FISHMALK *cough*

Falconer
11 years ago

BY THE POWER OF LAWFULNESS I ADJURE THEE!

TURN UNDEAD!!

::rolls 2d6::

Falconer
11 years ago

Dammit, there was supposed to be a link there.

::rolls 2d6::

I just realized why we can’t get AD&D core rules from that website.

It’s because WotC are chiselers.

So far they’ve released “premium” editions of the core rulebooks for the two AD&D editions, and collected the S and A adventures into hardback books, too.

It’s like they’ve just recognized the old-school renaissance movement in the last year or two and are trying to cash in.

shadists
11 years ago

@Falconer

I wouldn’t feel at home with D&D if they weren’t trying to wring more money out of folk… I’ve been playing since color coded boxed rules and spent most of my time playing first edition. It’s always been the same to at least some degree. 🙂

“Do you have a fiver? Yes?!?! Let me help you with that!” *removes $5*

tooimpurenangel
11 years ago

@Argenti
HA! You’d think that Dementation would’ve let me know, right? That is the right one, right? I haven’t played in yearssssss.