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Heartiste: Cunnilingus is for betas because vaginas are icky

Man horrified by glimpse of vagina.
Man horrified by glimpse of vagina.

Oh, Heartiste, sometimes I can’t help but wonder if you’ve been trolling us all along. I mean, what kind of master pickup guru is this squicked out by vaginas?

Eating a girl out anytime during the first few weeks of dating is beta. When you eat a girl out, you telegraph your incredible horniness for her. Men normally do not want to go down on women and bury their mouths in that fetid, humid mess unless they find her so overwhelmingly hot that they can’t help themselves.

“Fetid, humid mess?” Seriously, dude, if you hate vaginas so much, why do you devote your entire life to trying to gain access to as many of them as possible?

Women instinctively know this, so they correctly gauge that a man who goes down on them on the first date must feel he’s with one of the best he’s ever had. This, in turn, will sour a woman’s attraction for a man, since no woman in the history of the universe has ever felt raging lust for a man she believed lower than herself in value.

And you know this how? Somehow I doubt that Heartiste and his followers are getting a lot of return engagements from their unfortunate dates.

Cunnilingus later in the relationship is absolved from this rule, because you have already demonstrated your manly ability to use her strictly for the piledriving hole she is.

But isn’t her, er, piledriving hole just as icky as ever? Wouldn’t this still be a beta thing? Does any of this make any kind of sense, even if you buy into Heartiste’s Alpha-Beta claptrap?

If I didn’t already know that Heartiste was a dude in his 40s, I would have assumed he was actually a 15-year-old naif with a chip on his shoulder and a vivid imagination.

Thanks to Wrecksomething on r/againstmensrights for pointing out this Heartiste classic.

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hellkell
hellkell
10 years ago

Then real men never get blowjobs.

mildlymagnificent
10 years ago

Good to know.

Though I presume blowjobs are absolutely ace in the no-eat-pussy world.

Phoenician in a time of Romans
Phoenician in a time of Romans
10 years ago

Paulus2014: A real man doesn´t eat pussy.

Go on – tell us it’s gay…

Lea
Lea
10 years ago

Paul,
Really? A year old post and that’s the best response you could craft?

You’re afraid to lick it like an ice cream cone because you don’t know your way around a pussy. You’re scared. That’s fine. Be scared. Be a shitty lover. Own it. Pretend you really believe that makes you macho. The further you stay away from pussies, the better.

I didn’t even know they still made men who didn’t go down. It’s like seeing a carrier pigeon…if he’s even for real.

It would be funny if as soon as he gets a chance, he goes down with gusto and then get’s online to pretend he doesn’t. That’s most likely the case.

contrapangloss
10 years ago

Wow. So profound. Much wise. Such deep. Wow.

(My response needed to be almost as out of date as the necro’d thread)

LBT
LBT
10 years ago

RE: Paulus2014

My god! All this time, my husband’s been telling me he’s a real man, when really… HE’S A FUCKING HUSBANDTRON4000!

I feel so betrayed! Betrayed, I tell you! *gnashes teeth and starts tearing at clothes, wailing*

marinerachel
marinerachel
10 years ago

I didn’t know I despised men who went down on me…? I actually thought I really liked them?

LBT
LBT
10 years ago

RE: marinerachel

You and all of hubby’s exes are obviously just badly confused. Or lesbians. Or both.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
10 years ago

Real men get to go sleep on the couch, then.

grumpycatisagirl
10 years ago

Wow, I feel really bad for the poor real men. Think of all the fake men having more fun than them.

Paulus2014
10 years ago

Sorry, ladies and beta males, but truth can be painful sometimes.

blahlistic (@blahlistic)

*snurk*. Your best bet at having regular sex is being in a relationship…so treating women as disposable is a good way to get them to stay?

Would treating you as disposable drive you wild ?
Why do you assume people with vulvas aren’t people?
Or are you just a douche to everybody?

Bina
Bina
10 years ago

Sorry, ladies and beta males, but truth can be painful sometimes.

So can going without oral sex yourself. But you’ll never prattle about that, will you?

hellkell
hellkell
10 years ago

Your “truth” can go jerk off in its hand, just like every other day that ends in “y.”

Anarchonist
10 years ago

A real man doesn´t eat pussy.

Well, so glad I’m not “a real man”, then. While you’re bragging to other guys* about your made-up sex life to boost your fragile masculine ego, I’m getting a stream of text messages from my special lady friend, where she’s expressing her desire to share the bed with me tonight.

And yes, oral sex will be involved. Lots of it. Giving and receiving. Because we both like making each other feel good, and making the other person feel good makes them even more enthusiastic to make you feel good, too.

Selfish douchebags will not know that joy. Or, as you so eloquently put it:

[the] truth can be painful sometimes.

This has been a TMI public service announcement to Paulus2014. Feel free to kick yourself out presently.

*It’s a sad existence, seeing sex as the adult version of pulling off the Ollie in front of your peers.

blahlistic (@blahlistic)

Giving oral sex to either gender is just awesome fun…
You basically get to watch, feel, and be 100% in charge of someone whom you slowly reduce to a quivering, shrieking, moaning, writhing, ecstatic lump of extremely happy humanity.
I like to be on top as well, so I can feel them start to shake. All very gratifying to the ego and a huge turn- on.
Too bad you’re missing out, but hey, * shrug* it’s not my fault you’re a bit prudish in the sack, Paulie.

Lea
Lea
10 years ago

Paul,
Nothing you say about sex or manliness has the power to hurt anyone. You’re clueless and pathetic. You’re grasp of yourself is so frail that you think a simple thing like oral sex could undo what you think is the only thing that makes you special. You’re ridiculous.

weirwoodtreehugger
10 years ago

Paulus necroed this thread twice? Isn’t he the same sad excuse for a troll who necroed that 4 year old thread to accuse David of being afraid of Paul Elam and also fat?

I’m glad he’s not going down on women. He’s probably bad at it.

grumpycatisagirl
10 years ago

The troll that necroed the four-year-old thread to tell David to “get over it” just called zirself “+”

Robert
Robert
10 years ago

Wild digression, but Paulie’s strangeness reminded me. Allegedly, Gore Vidal had a reputation as a recipient, but not a reciprocator, of oral sex. Truman Capote sneeringly described him as a ‘lay louse’ (accent aigue over the last ‘e’), for lousy lay.

It struck me when I first read it: having Capote mock you as bad sex? Wow. Whenever I hear straight men talking about going downtown as something repulsive, that is what I think of.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
10 years ago

I just find it hilarious that Paulus is addressing women as well as the beta males. You know, women? The subjects of the painful “truth?”

“Sorry ladies, you may think you respect men who go down on you, but you’re wrong.”

Anarchonist
10 years ago

@kirbywarp: I don’t think Paulus is interested in whether or not women respect men who go down on them, since he views women as subhuman and their opinions irrelevant. The point is that misogynistic men won’t respect men who give two shits about the pleasure of the woman, and that’s very bad. For some reason.

But yeah, the whole “women and beta males” line makes it really dismissive of women’s opinions and feelings. “You don’t know what you want, only I, the superior alpha man, know what women truly want!” Like all dudebros identifying as “alpha” I bet Paulie here (shut up, Woody) thinks all women secretly want to be treated like shit.

Aunt Edna
Aunt Edna
10 years ago

@Anarchonist:

“I bet Paulie here (shut up, Woody) thinks all women secretly want to be treated like shit.”

That’s one of Red Pill Ten Commandments, isn’t it.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
10 years ago

Aw, poor Paulie. Nobody has been anywhere near your bits in years, huh? And the fact that we know that makes you feel sad and insecure?

The truth hurts.

Paulus2014
10 years ago

Ladies and gentlemen, I didn´t want to be rude with anyone. I just follow the laws of Nature. Penis was made to enter inside vaginas. Not tongue. May I have permission to have my opinion?

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