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Heartiste: Cunnilingus is for betas because vaginas are icky

Man horrified by glimpse of vagina.
Man horrified by glimpse of vagina.

Oh, Heartiste, sometimes I can’t help but wonder if you’ve been trolling us all along. I mean, what kind of master pickup guru is this squicked out by vaginas?

Eating a girl out anytime during the first few weeks of dating is beta. When you eat a girl out, you telegraph your incredible horniness for her. Men normally do not want to go down on women and bury their mouths in that fetid, humid mess unless they find her so overwhelmingly hot that they can’t help themselves.

“Fetid, humid mess?” Seriously, dude, if you hate vaginas so much, why do you devote your entire life to trying to gain access to as many of them as possible?

Women instinctively know this, so they correctly gauge that a man who goes down on them on the first date must feel he’s with one of the best he’s ever had. This, in turn, will sour a woman’s attraction for a man, since no woman in the history of the universe has ever felt raging lust for a man she believed lower than herself in value.

And you know this how? Somehow I doubt that Heartiste and his followers are getting a lot of return engagements from their unfortunate dates.

Cunnilingus later in the relationship is absolved from this rule, because you have already demonstrated your manly ability to use her strictly for the piledriving hole she is.

But isn’t her, er, piledriving hole just as icky as ever? Wouldn’t this still be a beta thing? Does any of this make any kind of sense, even if you buy into Heartiste’s Alpha-Beta claptrap?

If I didn’t already know that Heartiste was a dude in his 40s, I would have assumed he was actually a 15-year-old naif with a chip on his shoulder and a vivid imagination.

Thanks to Wrecksomething on r/againstmensrights for pointing out this Heartiste classic.

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katz
11 years ago

Yes, that’s completely meaningless.

Dvärghundspossen
11 years ago

So… uh… using your body parts for the “wrong” activity equals lying? No, I seriously don’t get it.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
11 years ago

No, saying it’s meant for an activity it isn’t meant for is lying. Unless I turns out that the genital region extends to the anus (um, duh?), then they’re bearing false witness.

And I’m still awake because a click beetle crashed on my head and started clicking. Fucking ridiculous.

katz
11 years ago

Especially since it says not to bear false witness against your neighbor, so unless your neighbor is an anus…

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
11 years ago

I am nowhere near weel enough religiously versed to comment on whether that only applies to lying about people, I always thought it meant lying to people. Which, being the only species we share a language with…well, I suppose you could lie in sign language is a gorilla…

Is it bearing false witness if you lie to a gorilla?

And, uh, shouldn’t the witnes part mean more than just “so here’s a random tidbit”? Like, perjury is basically defined as bearing false witness. (Gods, Zimmerman. He makes me want an afterlife so he will suffer in some form)

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
11 years ago

Weel = well

Sign language is a gorilla (lol) = sign language to a gorilla

Witnes = witness

—-

Sign language is a gorilla and clearly I need to go to bed already!

Dvärghundspossen
11 years ago

No, saying it’s meant for an activity it isn’t meant for is lying.

I get how someone could argue that it’s wrong to say the words “the anus is a kind of genital” because that would be a lie.

But the quote Cassandra gave goes like this:

The anus is not a sexual organ (genital) & treating it as such violates Moses’ command “Not to bear false witness”

So it’s not about what people say, but about the treatment of the anus, according to the person she quotes. Which just makes it super weird.

Shaun DarthBatman Day
11 years ago

I thought they were God’s commandments, and Moses was just some non deified dude.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
11 years ago

Dvärghundspossen — considering the “lusting in your heart” BS, I’m guessing thinking of it as such counts.

Shaun — yeeeeeep

Sign language is a gorilla, and I’m going to bed!

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
11 years ago

Do not covet your neighbor’s house, or your neighbor’s ass…

These people are so weird. There’s a deep vein of religious ideology there, fused with a bunch of jock stuff and some basically sensible data taken from Kinsey about the fact that people are often open to same-sex experiences even if they identify as straight.

Dvärghundspossen
11 years ago

Argenti: Firstly, I don’t think the “lusting in your heart” is necessarily bullshit, it depends on how you interpret it. For instance, one interpretation that makes it sensible is that if you haven’t had sex with your neighbour’s wife merely because she’s faithful, but you would have without a second thought if you ever had the chance, then you’re a bad person – the fact that she has prevented any unfatefulness from happening doesn’t mean you are any better than any active adulterer.
One might also consider it fairly sensible advice not to actively dwell on and fantasize about a sex act if it’s considered morally wrong to do it, even though one can’t control fleeting thoughts about sex.

BUUUUT it still doesn’t make sense to argue that anal sex is analogous to bearing false witness. “Bearing false witness” means lying to or decieving someone else. If there even were a commandment forbidding bearing false witness in one’s heart, that would mean that one ought not to fantasize about lying to others. But seriously, who’s getting decieved when two people have anal sex? Is anyone fooling the other one that the anus is actually a vagina? I guess that could happen (although we gotta imagine a weird enough back story), and then one could invoke the “do not bear false witness” to say it was wrong, but… that’s not how it normally works!

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
11 years ago

Maybe they’re thinking this is like a Cronenberg movie and there are asses that can talk, and therefore lie?

dariancase
11 years ago

Reblogged this on dariancase.

Viscaria
Viscaria
11 years ago

@katz

It’s been a difficult couple of days, so I made you guys a present.

<3

Dvärghundspossen
11 years ago

Maybe they’re thinking this is like a Cronenberg movie and there are asses that can talk, and therefore lie?

Best hypothesis so far!

Radical Parrot
11 years ago

[blockquote]Maybe they’re thinking this is like a Cronenberg movie and there are asses that can talk, and therefore lie?[/blockquote]

An Assfax Pictures production.

Starring Charlie Sheen and Christian Bale.

“They know their own worth… now they’re making it known to all.”

Coming this fall.

A David Cronenberg movie:

”God, What an Asshole”

In cinemas near you.

Very near.

Radical Parrot
11 years ago

Whoops. Wrong sort of brackets. Oh well.

melody
melody
11 years ago

Random.
But I swear if this dude ever tried to talk to me I’d just start singing this and walk away:

skeptifem
11 years ago

Andrea Dworkin said a lot about the combination of men feeling disgusted by women’s sexuality while also being compelled to try and fuck women. Funny how when she says it its ‘ridiculous’ and ‘hateful’ but when dudes say it then its some kind of Alpha Truth.

SittieKitty
11 years ago

katz, that welcome present is AWESOME. I’m jealous of your skills.

Argenti, I was awoken at about 5 this morning by a fucking beetle biting my arm. After that, I couldn’t sleep, so now I’m tired and have a red irritated bite on my arm. 🙁 I can sympathize with having gd beetles waking you up.

I have nothing to add to the thing about g0ys, closeted gays, ect, except that I think what people get more upset over, than the clumsy use of language, is that people try to justify/explain why they said what they said, instead of just apologizing and then dropping it. That’s prolly why you got backlash saint.

freemage
freemage
11 years ago

Ally S:

Props also to the aloof and indifferent lack of attention to punctuation. Chicks eat that shit up.

“Your run-on sentences turn me on.”

“That misplaced semicolon is making me horny.”

Said no one ever.

Oddly enough, I’ve had the exact opposite conversation. Back in the early days of HTML chat (roughly the early-mid nineties), I discovered there were a large number of women who enjoyed flirting with people who could actually type intelligible sentences. Jokingly flirting about how hot they found it when someone would use a semi-colon properly was commonplace among this set.

So, yeah, as usual, to find reality, it’s best to take the MRA/PUA position and turn 180 degrees.

freemage
freemage
11 years ago

On the other discussion:

I would never say that most of these asshats are gay. I WILL say that they all show signs of a severely fucked-up notion of human sexuality, and a needs-counseling level of bad understanding of their own sexuality. But whether that’s from being a self-hating closet-case, an “all sex is impure but I can’t stop thinking about it” fundie upbringing, or whatever else it might be (I can think of several more, most of them fairly distressing, so I’m not going to list them all) is almost impossible to identify from someone’s online writings. And therefore, jumping on the one case that so many folks like to use as their go-to is, at best, overly simplistic, and at worst, utterly insulting.

Social K
11 years ago

If cunnilingus is for Betas, then call me the king Beta-Male lol! This is just another stupid take by Roissy I’d say. Some guys seem to think that it’s submissive to go down on a woman. I don’t see it that way.

bekabot
11 years ago

I’ve often thought that the reason some guys are so obsessed about the looks of the women they date (they always have to be with women whom they think rate high, otherwise they think they’ve failed in life) is that they think the possession of extreme good looks is a counterweight to the basic ickiness of women. In other words “I may have put myself in a position to get cooties, but look at the excuse I had; ergo, my brothers, I’m not to be blamed.”

Same with other things. “I’m not to be blamed for getting into a relationship with her, since she’s so damned hot. I’m not to be blamed for being nice to her in public with her because, hey, she’s hot. I’m not to be blamed for doing things I believe to be non-alpha things when I’m around her; her hotness absolves me.” For a guy like this the hotness of the woman operates as a beard: it’s a free pass extended for impulses which he might want to follow but which he believes don’t become him. That’s the parallel between him and a guy who is gay but doesn’t want to be out.

This is a pretty good example. “Here I am stuck with urges which my ideology doesn’t support, but if the wench is pretty enough, I can come up with a rationale under which I can follow them anyway, after a decent interval has elapsed.” The odd part is that guys like these feel such an intense need to justify themselves, both in their own eyes and in the eyes of other dudes. Wouldn’t the real alpha move be to just do whatever it is that you’re gonna do, regardless of what anyone thinks? But as we’ve seen again and again, that’s not the way they roll.

JMO.

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