Oh, Heartiste, sometimes I can’t help but wonder if you’ve been trolling us all along. I mean, what kind of master pickup guru is this squicked out by vaginas?
Eating a girl out anytime during the first few weeks of dating is beta. When you eat a girl out, you telegraph your incredible horniness for her. Men normally do not want to go down on women and bury their mouths in that fetid, humid mess unless they find her so overwhelmingly hot that they can’t help themselves.
“Fetid, humid mess?” Seriously, dude, if you hate vaginas so much, why do you devote your entire life to trying to gain access to as many of them as possible?
Women instinctively know this, so they correctly gauge that a man who goes down on them on the first date must feel he’s with one of the best he’s ever had. This, in turn, will sour a woman’s attraction for a man, since no woman in the history of the universe has ever felt raging lust for a man she believed lower than herself in value.
And you know this how? Somehow I doubt that Heartiste and his followers are getting a lot of return engagements from their unfortunate dates.
Cunnilingus later in the relationship is absolved from this rule, because you have already demonstrated your manly ability to use her strictly for the piledriving hole she is.
But isn’t her, er, piledriving hole just as icky as ever? Wouldn’t this still be a beta thing? Does any of this make any kind of sense, even if you buy into Heartiste’s Alpha-Beta claptrap?
If I didn’t already know that Heartiste was a dude in his 40s, I would have assumed he was actually a 15-year-old naif with a chip on his shoulder and a vivid imagination.
Thanks to Wrecksomething on r/againstmensrights for pointing out this Heartiste classic.
RE: Paulus2014
Natural tool to satisfy a woman is a penis. Not a tongue. So simple. Or not?
The bonobos disagree with you. My husband disagrees with you. Hell, WOMEN disagree with you. Sorry, dude, but women’s opinion on what sexually satisfies them > YOUR opinion on what sexually satisfies them.
Also, you are in no position to discuss what the “natural” way of sex is, seeing as you seem hellbent on performing auto-anal sex with your head.
I just hope he remembered to buy extra lube.
Says:
Wonders why a bunch of women (and a few awesome men) are laughing their asses off at him.
Related Note: On penises causing pleasure…
((Quite possibly TMI and Warnings for “Nature Is Not AlwaysNice”))
… nature doesn’t work that way. It’s more of a “Does this get genetic material in a place where it can meet other genetic material?” In a brief survey of animal sexual organs, it seems like there are an awful lot on non-happy-making “penises” out there.
For instance, Platyhelminthyes, free living marine flatworms, use their penises in a sport called “Penis Fencing” wherein the looser gets their body cavity punctured and sperm deposited directly into their body.
http://youtu.be/wn3xluIRh1Y
It looks cool, but when you think about it…
Water mites and a few other insects do the same type of thing, only instead of being soft bodied and easy to puncture and heal, they have exoskeletons. Some female mites die from getting stabbed so many times by males. Pirate warehouse bugs do the same thing. I guess it’s a way of balancing out all the male spiders eaten by females? Balance in arthropoda?
Speaking of arthropoda and arachninipoda (the true spiders), male spider’s analogous structures to the penis are actually the pedipalps, located on the head. Some species have their pedipalps break off in the female, after mating, to prevent other male spiders from getting a chance to insert any genetic stuff.
Having something stuck in a body opening for weeks does not sound fun.
Ducks, like damselflies, actually have barbs on their penises, to scrape out other males sperm.
Think about that, scraping a body opening. Not fun.
I could carry on.
Also, wasn’t there a thing where duck vaginas and penises spiral for some bizarre reason? Ducks are weird.
Not to mention the fact that most animals don’t mate for pleasure, and you realize that “satisfying” is not even something animal genitals normally do. Good news for the pile-drivers out there, I guess.
Paulie here’s a natural tool, and you know he’s satisfying no one.
Poor dear, this is probably the most attention he’s had in years.
Dude, face facts. You may be the world’s most massive tool, but you could never compete with a tongue. Or a vibrator.
I wonder how old Paulus is?
Unfortunately, he’s getting his sex and dating advice from people like Heartiste.
This doesn’t bode well for him.
@ Paulie…Would you rather be a “real man” as defined by other dudebros, or would you rather be happy?
…You really might get out there and find that the two are in opposition.
In short, be YOU. Not a mockup of what you think you’re supposed to act like. Otherwise you’re likely to wake up one day and find that you’re an actor in your own damn life….and wonder why you’re so unhappy, when it all looks so good.
Oh Paul, Paul, Paul, you are certainly simple.
Women are far more likely to orgasm from clitoral stimulation than by penetration.
Are we posting pro-lesbian songs? Because I’m partial to this one.
For Paulus, the excellent Laci Green with her video What Counts As Sex?:
But hell, why would you listen to a woman telling you what makes her feel good?
That’s one of my faves, Lea. 😀
For anybody old enough to remember the Topp Twins, there’s this one:
Think of Paulus as a gift. No matter what’s going on in your life right now, it could be worse – you could be fucking him.
Considering I guess his age as 22, max…ugghh…
…Unlike MRA’s and PUA’s, I like them close to my own age.
Natural tool to satisfy a woman is a penis. Not a tongue. So simple. Or not?
The natural tool to satisfy a woman is a brain. Everything else is just a user interface.
Bullshit.
Oh really?
Well, it can’t enter OUTSIDE them…
You are not required to INSERT your tongue, only to apply it to the clitoris. Ever hear of that? Nature made THEM, too. And tongues work great on them.
No.
@ Bina – and that’s why Paulie dislikes cunnilingus, he’s been doing it wrong and doesn’t understand why no one appreciated his efforts.
He’s been sticking his tongue in as far as he can and then just sort of lying there, tongue unmoving, wondering why no appreciation was forthcoming.
You know, I’ve grown to enjoy t3h c0xx0rz over the years with my hubby. But with all the amazing sex I’ve had in my life, none of it has involved a dick inserted into a vagina.
I’d be concerned, but you know, I’m having too much fun.
RE: Lea
Are we posting pro-lesbian songs? Because I’m partial to this one.
OMG I haven’t heard that song in YEARS! My queer lady friend showed it to me and I never saw it again!
RE: strivingally
For anybody old enough to remember the Topp Twins, there’s this one:
OMG, I knew the original version by Jimmie Rodgers! This version’s better, though oh man it’s weird to hear the English and Southern US accents kludged like that. I definitely prefer their yodeling though!
RE: Phoenician
The natural tool to satisfy a woman is a brain.
*goes to hubby, squishes brain against his head*
WHY ISN’T IT WORKING?
(I’m being jokey because the sexual technique this guy seems to subscribe to just reminds me of a guy I’d really rather not waste my brainjuices on. Suffice to say, he thought that the best way to finger a vagina was to ram his finger in hard and jackhammer it. He also tried to shove fingers up my ass because he thought it was the OTHER orifice, and had no idea what a clit was.)
(He fancies himself an expert.)
Casandrakitty,
I may have to learn cross stitch just to stitch that on a pillow.
@ LBT
If in doubt, jackhammer it! This seems to be the standard dudebro approach to all sexual problems.
My wife claims to know only one (mildly) dirty joke:
The men are golfing. One knocks his ball into a field beside the course into a patch of buttercups, and he’s pissed. He takes a giant whack at the ball; buttercups go flying; ball does not move. He swears. Mother Nature steps out from behind a bush and says, “You must not damage my flowers. If you do that again you will pay.” Golfer says, “Screw you, MN,” and takes another whack. Buttercups go flying again, but ball does not move. Mother Nature says, “I warn you …” He whacks again. Again the buttercups fly. “All right,” says Mother Nature, “for that I decree that you shall never taste butter again,” and off she flounces.
Golfer walks out from the field, ashen-faced. His buddy says, “Well, Tom, you’re taking it pretty hard, seeing as you never really liked butter anyway.”
“No,” he replies, “it’s not that. But I was less than a foot away from a patch of pussy willows!”
I took the hint and we lived happily ever after.
Yup. And I bet he’s a two-pump chump, too.
Let me turn this around on you:
“Natural tool to satisfy a man is a vagina. Not a hand. So simple. Or not?”
Do you see how silly this sounds?
I love all you guize!!