Categories
alpha males beta males disgusting women gender policing heartiste men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny PUA sex vaginas

Heartiste: Cunnilingus is for betas because vaginas are icky

Man horrified by glimpse of vagina.
Man horrified by glimpse of vagina.

Oh, Heartiste, sometimes I can’t help but wonder if you’ve been trolling us all along. I mean, what kind of master pickup guru is this squicked out by vaginas?

Eating a girl out anytime during the first few weeks of dating is beta. When you eat a girl out, you telegraph your incredible horniness for her. Men normally do not want to go down on women and bury their mouths in that fetid, humid mess unless they find her so overwhelmingly hot that they can’t help themselves.

“Fetid, humid mess?” Seriously, dude, if you hate vaginas so much, why do you devote your entire life to trying to gain access to as many of them as possible?

Women instinctively know this, so they correctly gauge that a man who goes down on them on the first date must feel he’s with one of the best he’s ever had. This, in turn, will sour a woman’s attraction for a man, since no woman in the history of the universe has ever felt raging lust for a man she believed lower than herself in value.

And you know this how? Somehow I doubt that Heartiste and his followers are getting a lot of return engagements from their unfortunate dates.

Cunnilingus later in the relationship is absolved from this rule, because you have already demonstrated your manly ability to use her strictly for the piledriving hole she is.

But isn’t her, er, piledriving hole just as icky as ever? Wouldn’t this still be a beta thing? Does any of this make any kind of sense, even if you buy into Heartiste’s Alpha-Beta claptrap?

If I didn’t already know that Heartiste was a dude in his 40s, I would have assumed he was actually a 15-year-old naif with a chip on his shoulder and a vivid imagination.

Thanks to Wrecksomething on r/againstmensrights for pointing out this Heartiste classic.

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

323 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
grumpyoldnurse
grumpyoldnurse
5 years ago

OMG. That review is perfect. I’m just speechless.

Bina
Bina
5 years ago

Of all the things about the movie to pick on, he picked that? I’m dyyyyyyin’.

kittehserf - MOD
5 years ago

Because it offended his manly manliness with its disgusting implications! How could the poor dude be expected to think of anything else? XD

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
5 years ago

@kittehserf:

Almost makes me wonder exactly what he is thinking about…

kittehserf - MOD
5 years ago

::snerk::

Tessa
5 years ago

I wish the author of that review would have given some indication if they are a man or a woman. I know it’s irrelevant, but am curious. I’m sure it’s going to eat away at me for a while. Oh well.

kittehserf - MOD
5 years ago

He did – at the end he claims to be “a perfectly straight guy”.

Tessa
5 years ago

He also starts it with “I’m a male.” I was being ironic cause he had to doubly express his man-ity. I guess my irony wasn’t as obvious as I hoped. Stupid text. Unless your correcting me was supposed to be ironic, too. Stupid text again.

Hmmm actually, I guess the “I’m a male” doesn’t actually specify him being a man. A male what? He doesn’t say. Using the computer to write a review does suggest that he is a human male… On the other hand, he could be a really intelligent crow with really bad opinions on gender roles that got a hold of someone’s computer and pecked out that review. So in reality, the “perfectly straight guy” part would be the only indication of species.

But crows are notorious liars. So yeah. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say an asshole crow wrote that review.

contrapangloss
5 years ago

Tessa, I love you.

In the platonic, ‘laughing ridiculously hard imagining an arse of a crow writing a review just to mess with people’ way.

contrapangloss
5 years ago

http://youtu.be/gUiGEDnf5e4

Kind of like this crow, being a jerk and untying laces so he can try to abscond with the pan.

He probably wants it to go roof-boarding.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
5 years ago

I may be anthropomorphizing, but to me that crow looks less like it’s actually trying to steal the pan and more like it’s playing just because it’s fun. It’s the way it just stands there for a bit observing her after she bends down to tie her laces each time. It reminds me of the way some dogs play.

Tessa
5 years ago

contrapangloss

Tessa, I love you.

In the platonic, ‘laughing ridiculously hard imagining an arse of a crow writing a review just to mess with people’ way.

Let’s be honest here, is there really any better way to love?

cassandrakitty

I may be anthropomorphizing, but to me that crow looks less like it’s actually trying to steal the pan and more like it’s playing just because it’s fun. It’s the way it just stands there for a bit observing her after she bends down to tie her laces each time. It reminds me of the way some dogs play.

It’s not anthropomorphizing, crows are really smart, so it wouldn’t be shocking that they play (actually I remember seeing studies showing they do). Crows are generally compared to the great apes in terms of intelligence. I loooove watching videos of crows doing smart things. One of my favorites is some crows dropping nuts onto a crosswalk so a car will crack it, then they wait for the signal to change so they can walk to the nut and eat it without getting run over.

kittehserf - MOD
5 years ago

Whoops, my bad, Tessa!

I’ll just say (hand on heart) I’ve been reading Mikey DIRECTLY ON THE BEACH all afternoon, so my brain might be a bit scrambled.

(This is my excuse and I’m sticking to it.)

I’m now imagining Q the raven from Discworld writing that review. Except he’d have thrown in something about eyeballs.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
5 years ago

That’s the thing, since crows are so smart I’m pretty sure it would have just made off with the pan quickly rather than keeping waiting for her to be done tying her shoes before attempting to do so, so I’m assuming it’s enjoying the game. In fact it’s probably intelligent enough to figure out that she’s trying to play with it too. Bird body language tends to be quite easy to read anyway, imo, and this one’s says “this is fun, let’s keep doing this till I get bored”.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
5 years ago

“Hey, hey, watch this. Look what I can make the human do!”

*tug tug*

“*bwwooop*, and it bends over, drops the shiny thing, I pull it away, it takes the shiny thing. And again!”

*tug tug*

“*bwwoop* bends over, drops the shiny, like clockwork!”

*tug tug*

“Seriously, I could do this forever! Humans are strange.”

alaisvex
alaisvex
5 years ago

Tessa, after reviewing all the evidence, I’m afraid that the customer cannot be a crow. Crows are simply too intelligent and too much fun to have written that review.

alaisvex
alaisvex
5 years ago

Unless of course it was a crow that was well-versed in cultural attitudes towards oral sex (particularly when given to women) and wanted to parody it.

contrapangloss
5 years ago

Seconding everything!

The crow was definitely playing, the cute little goof; he probably messes with them sometimes, though, when they don’t want to play along.

Adorable little shoelace untying goof of a jerk crow.

Can I just post more goofy birds? Cars are for snow crows and rolling down!

http://youtu.be/i_ta33bMB70

And trees are for swinging!
http://youtu.be/YbdNtC4V3IM

They’re like little, feathery kids. 🙂

Yeah, couldn’t have been a crow.

It might have been a raven! They can be real jerks, even if they’re clever. Just ask this eagle!
http://youtu.be/Z0w9q125TSI

Tessa
5 years ago

Or ask this eagle:
http://i.imgur.com/HyndWu8.jpg

Why fly when you can hitch a ride?

(according to the photographer, the crow wasn’t attacking, it just perched there for a while)
http://www.today.com/pets/crow-hitches-ride-back-eagle-718412

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
5 years ago

Crows are so awesome that they make me want to do that goofy Snow White dancing around in a pouffy dress talking to the birds thing.

pallygirl
pallygirl
5 years ago

Darn, now I found the thread. Never mind.

katz
5 years ago

Corvids rock. This one is smarter than an average toddler. (And look how it doesn’t care about the treat. It’s just doing the puzzle for fun!)

And they talk up a storm.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
5 years ago

It’s kind of funny that we’re all talking about the awesomeness of corvids in this thread while many are rolling our eyes at the lack of awesomeness of the Corvid in the other thread.

1 5 6 7