Sorry it took me so long to hit this post. But regarding internalized transphobia… you CAN get out. I’ve noticed that if you’re around supportive people, who aren’t constantly haranguing you about your appearance or gender performance, it’s easier to push past.
I own a book of photography called Assume Nothing, by Rebecca Swan. It’s a lot of photos of genderful people from the Pacific Islands, Australia, New Zealand, and other places. I don’t know if it’d work for you, but part of what helped me was seeing pictures and hearing the stories of all these people, some of whom were much older and hard-bitten than I am, and seeing them in all their glory, and being able to recognize them as beautiful, moving human beings, regardless of how they looked. It helped to think that maybe I could be too.
Speaking of venting, I just found out something from my mother (I have her permission to to talk about this to internet folks) that is extremely disturbing to me. Apparently, my father tried to (and probably did) rape my mother several times when they were still married. He locked her in closets, threatened her with weapons, etc. in order to try to coerce her, which he claimed to be his “right.” This happened a long time ago, so hopefully he’s changed since then, but so far I see no reasons to be optimistic. I just want to be hopeful because the alternative attitude is just too much for me to handle.
I feel so sick and worried. This is the worst thing she has ever told me about her relationship with him. Once my mom comes back from the store, I’m going to give her a big (wanted) hug. I’m so happy that her current husband is loving and respectful.
Ally, I hope this doesn’t feel like me coming in as fix-it-Deo, but I had a thought and an offer of Jedi hugs if you want them.
I hope I don’t sound too self-pitying but it’s almost as though I’m cursed. I’m trying my best to just hold on and calm down, but I feel like I have no hope for any kind of peace coming into my life soon. I’m just surviving and nothing more.
One thing I’ve found that works well with myself and some of my clients is to pretend that we are actually a friend to ourselves. Usually, people who are cruelest to ourselves can be kindest to others.
This can be an empty chair kind of activity (Place two chairs facing each other. Put your friend Ally, who is having a rough time of it, in the other chair. Talk to chair. If you feel up to it, try switching chairs and see what it feels like.) This can be a writing or artistic exercise (write about fictional Ally Doe, who really needs a friend, or draw Ally Doe with what you would like her to have). This can just be a way to practice self-talk (If your friend came to you like this… what would you say? Yes, it feels weird.) With one of my clients I have an “Only I (Deo) can insult you” rule, so when I notice she’s spiraling I ask her whose job it is to insult her and she says me and ends up giggling, since she knows i never will.
It is totally not unusual to have very viscous negative self-talk, especially if you grew up in a household that was abusive. In a sense, it’s a way for a part of yourself to keep the rest of yourself safe (for varying definitions of safe) by making you small, and humble, and as invisible as possible so you wouldn’t draw attention to yourself. It’s also a way to comprehend the violence/abuse which makes sense to a very young child – all children are gods of their worlds, so if bad things are happening it must be their fault. An adult mind can look at this and say “this is demonstratively false” but the response is not to abuse the child, who after all is already suffering, but instead to love and reassure the child, because all children deserve to be safe and happy.
I don’t know if that helps or not… but from everything I’ve seen you are a wonderful person deserving of love and care, so I hope you are able to practice on yourself.
Another thing which occurs… we often kind of assume that a desire for connection and reassurance form others somehow makes us week, but love, affection, touch, soothing, and connection is a basic human need as fundamental as food and water, as far as I’m concerned. Being able to recognize and ask for what you need – that is a sign of strength, not weakness.
As I may have mentioned, Robbie was on experimental medications since he had a terminal illness. His life may help other kittens in the future.
Viscaria
11 years ago
I wanted to note, since you were all so supportive, that my grandfather’s funeral last week went very well (though there was some completely pointless and avoidable — or at least postponable — family drama, but it was fairly minimal). My step-dad’s prostate surgery also went well, and he is recovering quickly. His test results came back indicating that he is now cancer-free.
Thanks again to everyone who had a kind word to say through this difficult time for me and my family. Further thanks to the whole Man Boobz gang for just being good people and making this a good place to spend time when other parts of life aren’t going so well.
Good news about your step-dad, Viscaria — very glad to hear it!
And seconding what you say about the folks here being good people. Thanks also from me for all the kind words and support when my friend died. It really helped.
thebionicmommy
11 years ago
Congrats for your step dad’s prostrate surgery being a success, Viscaria. And sorry for the loss of your grandfather and the stress of family drama during his funeral. I know that family drama is the way things go, but people ought to at least put it aside for a while out of respect for the dead.
Last night, after hearing about my mother facing attempted rape when she was married to my father, I tried to get my mind off of it temporarily and relax. It was too much for me to bear at the time, so I decided to get high with some of my brother’s friends, who happened to be visiting at the time.
And while these folks I hung out with are nice in general, last night they kept making rape jokes directed at me. And due to being too high to speak up, all I could do was sit there and listen to them make some of the most graphic, disturbing rape jokes about me ever.
Eventually I just went upstairs and tried to sleep. Of course, I didn’t tell them about what my mother told me earlier that night, and I know that they aren’t hostile or averse to me (although that doesn’t excuse them for making such jokes), but I still felt horrible.
On top of that, they were complaining about my sister’s behavior, saying that they’ve lost a lot of respect for her just because she’s not yet willing to completely break up with her manipulative, abusive BF. They seemed to acknowledge that he’s manipulating her, but they downplayed that fact for some reason.
hellkell
11 years ago
Viscaria: I’m glad your step-dad is cancer free (fuck cancer) and that your grandfather’s funeral went well. I swear, funerals bring out the worst in families, I have an aunt who will eternally get all the side-eye from me due to her behavior at not one but two family funerals.
Sorry to resurrect this thread at such a witching hour, buuuut I’m not sure who else to go to with it, so you’re my audience, Manboobz.
We haven’t spoken to our parents in over a year. Our father sent us an email asking why, because of course he’s forgotten the reason. (In our family, everything unpleasant is tossed into a Memory Black Hole, never to be thought of, spoken of, or acknowledged ever again.)
I still don’t know whether I’ll send it or not, but for the past two and a half hours, I’ve been writing a response that is finally saying everything I’ve ever wanted to say about how they’ve treated us, without the constant editing and ‘I statements’ and non-violent communication I’ve learned over the years, because I am so tired of making excuses for them and not calling them on their shit except in the nicest, politest of terms.
I don’t know. I just wanted someone to know I was doing that.
We Hunted The Mammoth
RE: Ally
Sorry it took me so long to hit this post. But regarding internalized transphobia… you CAN get out. I’ve noticed that if you’re around supportive people, who aren’t constantly haranguing you about your appearance or gender performance, it’s easier to push past.
I own a book of photography called Assume Nothing, by Rebecca Swan. It’s a lot of photos of genderful people from the Pacific Islands, Australia, New Zealand, and other places. I don’t know if it’d work for you, but part of what helped me was seeing pictures and hearing the stories of all these people, some of whom were much older and hard-bitten than I am, and seeing them in all their glory, and being able to recognize them as beautiful, moving human beings, regardless of how they looked. It helped to think that maybe I could be too.
LBT: Aww, that comic gives me feels.
But that’s also not how I interact with my characters. At all.
Well, it is over. We didn’t get a chance to take him to the vet.
katz, I am SO sorry. Hugs if you want them.
Katz, so sorry about Robbie.
Ally, feel free to vent here all you want.
So sorry to hear about Robbie, Katz. He was lucky to have you guys.
Ally, I’m so sorry about all the stuff that is happening to you. I’m glad venting here helps, please never feel bad about it.
Thank you so much, everyone. :>
[Trigger warning: attempted rape, rape apologia, domestic violence, rape threats]
Speaking of venting, I just found out something from my mother (I have her permission to to talk about this to internet folks) that is extremely disturbing to me. Apparently, my father tried to (and probably did) rape my mother several times when they were still married. He locked her in closets, threatened her with weapons, etc. in order to try to coerce her, which he claimed to be his “right.” This happened a long time ago, so hopefully he’s changed since then, but so far I see no reasons to be optimistic. I just want to be hopeful because the alternative attitude is just too much for me to handle.
I feel so sick and worried. This is the worst thing she has ever told me about her relationship with him. Once my mom comes back from the store, I’m going to give her a big (wanted) hug. I’m so happy that her current husband is loving and respectful.
katz, I’m so sorry, and all the hugs. Poor little Robbie, I hope his passing wasn’t hard.
Ally, I hope this doesn’t feel like me coming in as fix-it-Deo, but I had a thought and an offer of Jedi hugs if you want them.
I hope I don’t sound too self-pitying but it’s almost as though I’m cursed. I’m trying my best to just hold on and calm down, but I feel like I have no hope for any kind of peace coming into my life soon. I’m just surviving and nothing more.
One thing I’ve found that works well with myself and some of my clients is to pretend that we are actually a friend to ourselves. Usually, people who are cruelest to ourselves can be kindest to others.
This can be an empty chair kind of activity (Place two chairs facing each other. Put your friend Ally, who is having a rough time of it, in the other chair. Talk to chair. If you feel up to it, try switching chairs and see what it feels like.) This can be a writing or artistic exercise (write about fictional Ally Doe, who really needs a friend, or draw Ally Doe with what you would like her to have). This can just be a way to practice self-talk (If your friend came to you like this… what would you say? Yes, it feels weird.) With one of my clients I have an “Only I (Deo) can insult you” rule, so when I notice she’s spiraling I ask her whose job it is to insult her and she says me and ends up giggling, since she knows i never will.
It is totally not unusual to have very viscous negative self-talk, especially if you grew up in a household that was abusive. In a sense, it’s a way for a part of yourself to keep the rest of yourself safe (for varying definitions of safe) by making you small, and humble, and as invisible as possible so you wouldn’t draw attention to yourself. It’s also a way to comprehend the violence/abuse which makes sense to a very young child – all children are gods of their worlds, so if bad things are happening it must be their fault. An adult mind can look at this and say “this is demonstratively false” but the response is not to abuse the child, who after all is already suffering, but instead to love and reassure the child, because all children deserve to be safe and happy.
I don’t know if that helps or not… but from everything I’ve seen you are a wonderful person deserving of love and care, so I hope you are able to practice on yourself.
Another thing which occurs… we often kind of assume that a desire for connection and reassurance form others somehow makes us week, but love, affection, touch, soothing, and connection is a basic human need as fundamental as food and water, as far as I’m concerned. Being able to recognize and ask for what you need – that is a sign of strength, not weakness.
katz: Sorry to hear about Robbie. 8(
Katz: I’m so sorry about Robbie.
katz, if I had a dozen of cute furry animal pictures with me, I’d totally share them with you. I’m so sorry. =[
RE: katz
D: I’m sorry.
Katz — I’m so sorry; the kitty here offers a chin to rub, if you so desire.
Grey tabby chin rubs, awww!
Here’s a Maddie and Fribs fireside arrangement.
Katz, I’m so sorry about Robbie. You did so much for him.
Thanks everyone.
As I may have mentioned, Robbie was on experimental medications since he had a terminal illness. His life may help other kittens in the future.
I wanted to note, since you were all so supportive, that my grandfather’s funeral last week went very well (though there was some completely pointless and avoidable — or at least postponable — family drama, but it was fairly minimal). My step-dad’s prostate surgery also went well, and he is recovering quickly. His test results came back indicating that he is now cancer-free.
Thanks again to everyone who had a kind word to say through this difficult time for me and my family. Further thanks to the whole Man Boobz gang for just being good people and making this a good place to spend time when other parts of life aren’t going so well.
Good news about your step-dad, Viscaria — very glad to hear it!
And seconding what you say about the folks here being good people. Thanks also from me for all the kind words and support when my friend died. It really helped.
Congrats for your step dad’s prostrate surgery being a success, Viscaria. And sorry for the loss of your grandfather and the stress of family drama during his funeral. I know that family drama is the way things go, but people ought to at least put it aside for a while out of respect for the dead.
Viscaria, I’m sorry that your family is having so much trouble. It’s good that your stepdad is going to be OK, though.
[Content note: rape jokes, attempted rape]
Last night, after hearing about my mother facing attempted rape when she was married to my father, I tried to get my mind off of it temporarily and relax. It was too much for me to bear at the time, so I decided to get high with some of my brother’s friends, who happened to be visiting at the time.
And while these folks I hung out with are nice in general, last night they kept making rape jokes directed at me. And due to being too high to speak up, all I could do was sit there and listen to them make some of the most graphic, disturbing rape jokes about me ever.
Eventually I just went upstairs and tried to sleep. Of course, I didn’t tell them about what my mother told me earlier that night, and I know that they aren’t hostile or averse to me (although that doesn’t excuse them for making such jokes), but I still felt horrible.
On top of that, they were complaining about my sister’s behavior, saying that they’ve lost a lot of respect for her just because she’s not yet willing to completely break up with her manipulative, abusive BF. They seemed to acknowledge that he’s manipulating her, but they downplayed that fact for some reason.
Viscaria: I’m glad your step-dad is cancer free (fuck cancer) and that your grandfather’s funeral went well. I swear, funerals bring out the worst in families, I have an aunt who will eternally get all the side-eye from me due to her behavior at not one but two family funerals.
@Viscaria
I’m sorry to hear that you had to deal with family drama at such a time, but I’m glad to hear about everything else! =]
Sorry to resurrect this thread at such a witching hour, buuuut I’m not sure who else to go to with it, so you’re my audience, Manboobz.
We haven’t spoken to our parents in over a year. Our father sent us an email asking why, because of course he’s forgotten the reason. (In our family, everything unpleasant is tossed into a Memory Black Hole, never to be thought of, spoken of, or acknowledged ever again.)
I still don’t know whether I’ll send it or not, but for the past two and a half hours, I’ve been writing a response that is finally saying everything I’ve ever wanted to say about how they’ve treated us, without the constant editing and ‘I statements’ and non-violent communication I’ve learned over the years, because I am so tired of making excuses for them and not calling them on their shit except in the nicest, politest of terms.
I don’t know. I just wanted someone to know I was doing that.