I’m just with my mom, my little brother, and my step-dad, but yeah being with them is nice. I’m facing a lot of stress right now, but at least it has nothing to do with fearing for my safety.
[Content note: abuse, threats, violence, self-hatred, body issues, trans* issues]
Today is making me feel very miserable, though. My mom and I decided to see my childhood neighborhood again, and she had a great time with me. I started feeling sick to my stomach towards the end of the trip, though, and now I feel completely miserable. I started with flashbacks of abuse at my childhood home, the feeling of dread whenever my father was near, the uninviting and insensitive atmosphere of the city that neighborhood is in, and the shit I had to deal with on a daily basis during the restraining order my mom had for my father after he threatened to murder her and all of her children. It all happened in that house I lived in.
And for some reason today I have the worst self-esteem in months. I can’t help but feel overwhelmed because I’ve internalized so many self-loathing messages. Even looking at my hairy arms, my masculine face, etc. is enough to make me start telling myself things like “You’re so ugly – people just say you aren’t because they’re trying to be nice”, “You’re never going to look like your female self”, “No one is ever going to genuinely like you”, and so on. It’s so hard to deal with. I hope I don’t sound too self-pitying but it’s almost as though I’m cursed. I’m trying my best to just hold on and calm down, but I feel like I have no hope for any kind of peace coming into my life soon. I’m just surviving and nothing more.
The only thing I feel significantly hopeful about these days is the thought of one day engaging in some kind of activism to help others. Maybe I just sound overzealous or foolish or narcissistic, but it really is true that wishing for social change is one of the few things that keep me going – that’s just what I’ve become as a result of my anarchist mindset. When everything seems to be falling apart in my life, I always try to make myself think about social justice goals. Like somehow doing something to support other trans* youth in scary, abusive situations, somehow helping out the Syrian people and so on. I don’t have any specific plans – it’s too much for me to think about now – but that’s the only thing that gives me a sense of purpose in life. It’s like dreaming about things that I hope will some day stop being dreams.
But at the same time, thinking about the things that give me purpose also makes me more stressed out, because it involves me thinking about how horrible the world is. Just yesterday I brought my whole mood down after reading about all of the rape and sexual torture happening in Syria. I feel so helpless and insigificant reading that, being aware that countless Syrians are being raped, tortured, and murdered every other hour or so.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, so I’m sorry if this seemed too incoherent and long-winded. I don’t want to talk to my mom about this because she’s very sensitive and I don’t want to stress her out too much. She already is very worried about me. I’m going to end up ruining her day if I tell her about how stressed out, fearful, and depressed I feel right now.
And I think I really need to look for some kind of therapist here in Colorado – even if I can only see hir for less than two weeks (which is when I’m scheduled to return to California). Tomorrow or day after tomorrow I’ll contact Out Boulder, the local LGBT group here (I’m in Boulder, CO), and see if they have any counseling to recommend for trans* folks. Getting some fresh air would be nice, too.
Hugs, Ally. And I am remembering that I promised to dig up information about good political organizations in the (greater) Bay Area — I’ll find your email and see what my friends tell me.
Thanks, cloudiah, that’s very kind of you! =] I was going to email you a while back about that actually, but that just so happened to be right before some very unfortunate things happened in your life, so I didn’t want to pressure you further.
Thanks, Kitteh. =] I just keep apologizing because I’m worried about possibly being overwhelming or too hard to deal with some people, like I’m pushing people away every time I complain. I know that’s not true, but it’s a feeling that’s hard to shake off. I wouldn’t be like this if it weren’t for my self-esteem.
Fortunately, I’m feeling much better right now. Later today I’m going to try to do more voice training, but I need to build up some more confidence for it first.
Speaking of cats, I’d love to share some pictures of the cats my mom has, but I don’t have them with me right now. =/
Yeah, I get that the apologies come from the way your self-esteem’s been ratted by years of abuse. Saying you don’t need to apologise is about all I can think of by way of reassurance. I’m sorry I haven’t any practical suggestions to offer, though I don’t even know if that’s what you’re after or just need sympathetic ears (or should that be monitors?). I don’t know how you cope as you do; it says a lot for your strength, imo. Me, I just want to find a black hole and send your biological parental unit (male) to it. Which I know isn’t helpful and not what you want, but arrrrgh …
M Dubz
11 years ago
@ Ally- That all sounds super challenging and traumatic. I’m so sorry you’re in a rough place right now. And none of us mind you complaining or venting. That’s what friends are for, to listen and support you when you are having a hard time. I have a bunch of friends who are transitioning/ figuring out how much they want to transition, and I know that, as their friend, I want to be there for all the challenges that they’re facing as well as the good times.
Well, advice and suggestions are always nice, but I mainly come here to vent – kind of like a sounding board – since the regulars here (including you, katz, and cloudiah) are very kind. If you don’t have anything to suggest or and advice to share, I won’t take it personally at all. I mean, the people here have helped me cope with things immensely and given loads of helpful advice, but advice-giving is definitely not obligatory in any sense. And if I sound like I’m pressuring anyone to give me advice, I apologize and I’ll amend my words so I don’t accidentally put pressure on anyone.
As for being strong, I appreciate it when people tell me that since it gives me a little bit of hope, but it’s hard to see myself as strong. I mean, just half an hour ago or so I was in pieces. And today I was in my clingy, unstable “I need a hug” mindset that made it difficult for me to do ordinary things. I’m not ashamed of not being strong enough, though. And in any case, I’m trying to think positively and optimistically even when I scrutinize and criticize myself.
Ally – don’t worry, it never reads like you’re pressing for advice. When you want it, you’re clear in asking for it (and that’s another point: you’re a damn good communicator). When I say you seem strong, it’s not in the “Ha, I laugh these things off and bestride the world!” superhero-in-tights sense but the fact that you’re functioning, you’ve attention for other things – is spoons the word here? – and you’ve compassion for others. That’s pretty fucking impressive, young woman. ::bangs cane for emphasis::
Nuttn’ wrong with feeling shaken and needing a hug and wanting support. I’d be more than happy to give the hugs if I was in the vicinity, but internet ones will have to do for now.
PS on the hairiness front: I have hobbit toes and Clydesdale ankles, and menopause has decided I should have an incipient moustache too, so there!
M Dubz
11 years ago
@Ally- Being strong doesn’t mean never needing support. It means knowing when to ask for support so that you can keep going and making your life work. It means picking yourself up and getting where you need to go when you were just in pieces.
The whole “strong = never needing support/asking for help” is very much a part of toxic masculinity ideas, isn’t it? It even worked its way right up the social scale. (OT example coming!) Louis copped a hell of a lot of criticism in his earthly day and by historians since who take the whole idea that a RealKing™ acts on his own and makes all the decisions and goes all alpha male bullshit artist all the time (when he’s not screwing every woman around). That a ruler could have the need of advisers and supporters and work out a very effective collaborative style just never seems to have occurred to too many people, and it strikes me now that this is an exaggerated version of the sort of shit constructed around how men are supposed to be.
When I say you seem strong, it’s not in the “Ha, I laugh these things off and bestride the world!” superhero-in-tights sense but the fact that you’re functioning, you’ve attention for other things – is spoons the word here? – and you’ve compassion for others. That’s pretty fucking impressive, young woman. ::bangs cane for emphasis::
Sorry for the late response. But I really like the way you phrased all of that. It makes me see things in a much different light, so thank you. I think one of my uncles said something similar – that the fact that I “still have a sense of humor” is a sign of inner strength. I don’t know if I believe him, but it’s a nice way to think about things. =]
Ally – don’t worry, it never reads like you’re pressing for advice. When you want it, you’re clear in asking for it (and that’s another point: you’re a damn good communicator).
Heh, you’re one of the few people I know who’s said that to me. Most people think I’m too overbearing and verbose when I speak! =P
Ally, FWIW, I think of you and LBT as two of the strongest people I know. Because you have dealt with so much and you’re still standing. I mean, I go into emotional meltdowns when people I volunteer with snub me; I have no idea what I’d do if my dad was telling me I wasn’t really a woman. But look at you: You know who you really are and what you want to do and you’re taking steps in that direction even though you’ve got people in your life trying to threaten and manipulate you into being someone else. That’s fuckin’ amazing.
Louis copped a hell of a lot of criticism in his earthly day and by historians since who take the whole idea that a RealKing™ acts on his own and makes all the decisions and goes all alpha male bullshit artist all the time … and it strikes me now that this is an exaggerated version of the sort of shit constructed around how men are supposed to be.
That’s interesting. I’ve never thought of it that way before, not knowing much about the monarchy, but that’s a really interesting parallel. I wonder how the two influenced each other.
RE: Ally
I think one of my uncles said something similar – that the fact that I “still have a sense of humor” is a sign of inner strength.
Hey, being able to still laugh, about ANYTHING, can get you through a whole lot of horror. The whole reason I made Cracks of Sunshine was the knowledge that if I didn’t find some way to laugh at all the shit hitting me, find some way to make it small and petty and laughable, I’d never get up again. Keep going! You can make it!
RE: katz
Aw, poor Robbie. I’m sorry to hear about that. D: If a distraction is in order, I think you might find this interesting? I’m interested how other creative types respond to this.
We Hunted The Mammoth
Ally – yay for the news about somewhere to stay, fingers crossed. And for the voice exercises!
Argenti – thanks!
test
Hey Ally, having fun with your fam?
I’m just with my mom, my little brother, and my step-dad, but yeah being with them is nice. I’m facing a lot of stress right now, but at least it has nothing to do with fearing for my safety.
[Content note: abuse, threats, violence, self-hatred, body issues, trans* issues]
Today is making me feel very miserable, though. My mom and I decided to see my childhood neighborhood again, and she had a great time with me. I started feeling sick to my stomach towards the end of the trip, though, and now I feel completely miserable. I started with flashbacks of abuse at my childhood home, the feeling of dread whenever my father was near, the uninviting and insensitive atmosphere of the city that neighborhood is in, and the shit I had to deal with on a daily basis during the restraining order my mom had for my father after he threatened to murder her and all of her children. It all happened in that house I lived in.
And for some reason today I have the worst self-esteem in months. I can’t help but feel overwhelmed because I’ve internalized so many self-loathing messages. Even looking at my hairy arms, my masculine face, etc. is enough to make me start telling myself things like “You’re so ugly – people just say you aren’t because they’re trying to be nice”, “You’re never going to look like your female self”, “No one is ever going to genuinely like you”, and so on. It’s so hard to deal with. I hope I don’t sound too self-pitying but it’s almost as though I’m cursed. I’m trying my best to just hold on and calm down, but I feel like I have no hope for any kind of peace coming into my life soon. I’m just surviving and nothing more.
The only thing I feel significantly hopeful about these days is the thought of one day engaging in some kind of activism to help others. Maybe I just sound overzealous or foolish or narcissistic, but it really is true that wishing for social change is one of the few things that keep me going – that’s just what I’ve become as a result of my anarchist mindset. When everything seems to be falling apart in my life, I always try to make myself think about social justice goals. Like somehow doing something to support other trans* youth in scary, abusive situations, somehow helping out the Syrian people and so on. I don’t have any specific plans – it’s too much for me to think about now – but that’s the only thing that gives me a sense of purpose in life. It’s like dreaming about things that I hope will some day stop being dreams.
But at the same time, thinking about the things that give me purpose also makes me more stressed out, because it involves me thinking about how horrible the world is. Just yesterday I brought my whole mood down after reading about all of the rape and sexual torture happening in Syria. I feel so helpless and insigificant reading that, being aware that countless Syrians are being raped, tortured, and murdered every other hour or so.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, so I’m sorry if this seemed too incoherent and long-winded. I don’t want to talk to my mom about this because she’s very sensitive and I don’t want to stress her out too much. She already is very worried about me. I’m going to end up ruining her day if I tell her about how stressed out, fearful, and depressed I feel right now.
Okay, I’m feeling a bit calmer now after venting. I’m sorry if that was unpleasant for you to read, katz.
I promise I do not mind at all.
Ah, well that’s good to hear. I just thought I picked an inappropriate time to just explode like that. I hope I didn’t sound over the top or anything.
And I think I really need to look for some kind of therapist here in Colorado – even if I can only see hir for less than two weeks (which is when I’m scheduled to return to California). Tomorrow or day after tomorrow I’ll contact Out Boulder, the local LGBT group here (I’m in Boulder, CO), and see if they have any counseling to recommend for trans* folks. Getting some fresh air would be nice, too.
Hugs, Ally. And I am remembering that I promised to dig up information about good political organizations in the (greater) Bay Area — I’ll find your email and see what my friends tell me.
Thanks, cloudiah, that’s very kind of you! =] I was going to email you a while back about that actually, but that just so happened to be right before some very unfortunate things happened in your life, so I didn’t want to pressure you further.
Ally, you do not need to apologise for expressing yourself. There’s no guilt or shame in feeling as you do, and needing to tell friends.
Lots and lots of internet hugs, with added cat furs.
Thanks, Kitteh. =] I just keep apologizing because I’m worried about possibly being overwhelming or too hard to deal with some people, like I’m pushing people away every time I complain. I know that’s not true, but it’s a feeling that’s hard to shake off. I wouldn’t be like this if it weren’t for my self-esteem.
Fortunately, I’m feeling much better right now. Later today I’m going to try to do more voice training, but I need to build up some more confidence for it first.
Speaking of cats, I’d love to share some pictures of the cats my mom has, but I don’t have them with me right now. =/
Yeah, I get that the apologies come from the way your self-esteem’s been ratted by years of abuse. Saying you don’t need to apologise is about all I can think of by way of reassurance. I’m sorry I haven’t any practical suggestions to offer, though I don’t even know if that’s what you’re after or just need sympathetic ears (or should that be monitors?). I don’t know how you cope as you do; it says a lot for your strength, imo. Me, I just want to find a black hole and send your biological parental unit (male) to it. Which I know isn’t helpful and not what you want, but arrrrgh …
@ Ally- That all sounds super challenging and traumatic. I’m so sorry you’re in a rough place right now. And none of us mind you complaining or venting. That’s what friends are for, to listen and support you when you are having a hard time. I have a bunch of friends who are transitioning/ figuring out how much they want to transition, and I know that, as their friend, I want to be there for all the challenges that they’re facing as well as the good times.
@kitteh
Well, advice and suggestions are always nice, but I mainly come here to vent – kind of like a sounding board – since the regulars here (including you, katz, and cloudiah) are very kind. If you don’t have anything to suggest or and advice to share, I won’t take it personally at all. I mean, the people here have helped me cope with things immensely and given loads of helpful advice, but advice-giving is definitely not obligatory in any sense. And if I sound like I’m pressuring anyone to give me advice, I apologize and I’ll amend my words so I don’t accidentally put pressure on anyone.
As for being strong, I appreciate it when people tell me that since it gives me a little bit of hope, but it’s hard to see myself as strong. I mean, just half an hour ago or so I was in pieces. And today I was in my clingy, unstable “I need a hug” mindset that made it difficult for me to do ordinary things. I’m not ashamed of not being strong enough, though. And in any case, I’m trying to think positively and optimistically even when I scrutinize and criticize myself.
Ally – don’t worry, it never reads like you’re pressing for advice. When you want it, you’re clear in asking for it (and that’s another point: you’re a damn good communicator). When I say you seem strong, it’s not in the “Ha, I laugh these things off and bestride the world!” superhero-in-tights sense but the fact that you’re functioning, you’ve attention for other things – is spoons the word here? – and you’ve compassion for others. That’s pretty fucking impressive, young woman. ::bangs cane for emphasis::
Nuttn’ wrong with feeling shaken and needing a hug and wanting support. I’d be more than happy to give the hugs if I was in the vicinity, but internet ones will have to do for now.
PS on the hairiness front: I have hobbit toes and Clydesdale ankles, and menopause has decided I should have an incipient moustache too, so there!
@Ally- Being strong doesn’t mean never needing support. It means knowing when to ask for support so that you can keep going and making your life work. It means picking yourself up and getting where you need to go when you were just in pieces.
The whole “strong = never needing support/asking for help” is very much a part of toxic masculinity ideas, isn’t it? It even worked its way right up the social scale. (OT example coming!) Louis copped a hell of a lot of criticism in his earthly day and by historians since who take the whole idea that a RealKing™ acts on his own and makes all the decisions and goes all alpha male bullshit artist all the time (when he’s not screwing every woman around). That a ruler could have the need of advisers and supporters and work out a very effective collaborative style just never seems to have occurred to too many people, and it strikes me now that this is an exaggerated version of the sort of shit constructed around how men are supposed to be.
(Sorry for the derail … who’s venting now?)
Ah … just did some writing with Louis (ie channelling). He hasn’t put a message in writing for quite a while.
test 2
@Kitteh
Sorry for the late response. But I really like the way you phrased all of that. It makes me see things in a much different light, so thank you. I think one of my uncles said something similar – that the fact that I “still have a sense of humor” is a sign of inner strength. I don’t know if I believe him, but it’s a nice way to think about things. =]
Heh, you’re one of the few people I know who’s said that to me. Most people think I’m too overbearing and verbose when I speak! =P
(gah, stupid wordpress X_X)
Ally, FWIW, I think of you and LBT as two of the strongest people I know. Because you have dealt with so much and you’re still standing. I mean, I go into emotional meltdowns when people I volunteer with snub me; I have no idea what I’d do if my dad was telling me I wasn’t really a woman. But look at you: You know who you really are and what you want to do and you’re taking steps in that direction even though you’ve got people in your life trying to threaten and manipulate you into being someone else. That’s fuckin’ amazing.
But I actually bumped this thread to let people know that Robbie is getting to the end and we are going to take him to the vet tomorrow morning.
katz, I am so sorry to hear about Robbie. You’ve made sure his short life was full of love.
RE: Kittehs
Louis copped a hell of a lot of criticism in his earthly day and by historians since who take the whole idea that a RealKing™ acts on his own and makes all the decisions and goes all alpha male bullshit artist all the time … and it strikes me now that this is an exaggerated version of the sort of shit constructed around how men are supposed to be.
That’s interesting. I’ve never thought of it that way before, not knowing much about the monarchy, but that’s a really interesting parallel. I wonder how the two influenced each other.
RE: Ally
I think one of my uncles said something similar – that the fact that I “still have a sense of humor” is a sign of inner strength.
Hey, being able to still laugh, about ANYTHING, can get you through a whole lot of horror. The whole reason I made Cracks of Sunshine was the knowledge that if I didn’t find some way to laugh at all the shit hitting me, find some way to make it small and petty and laughable, I’d never get up again. Keep going! You can make it!
RE: katz
Aw, poor Robbie. I’m sorry to hear about that. D: If a distraction is in order, I think you might find this interesting? I’m interested how other creative types respond to this.