Whether I get to stay here depends entirely on whether I remain eligible for financial aid from UCSC. Because I was late in submitting that form I mentioned above, my financial aid will likely be jeopardized – but if I end up still being eligible for the full aid amount, I’ll probably go. Of course there are a lot of disadvantages to going to university this quarter – most notably the fact that I’ll still be within my dad’s reach – but if I go, I can at least try to fix some things. My teacher, who got her Bachelor’s at UCSC, told me that I can try to seek therapy through UCSC’s student health care – and I’ve confirmed this myself. Since the way my current class schedule is set up (my father made me register for classes) gives me a lot of free time, I can go for therapy sessions without his knowledge. Even if I continue to live with my father (ugh) while going this quarter, I can still come back home very late and make excuses such as me taking too long on the commute and me needing to study close to campus for concentration reasons (he sure seems to care about me doing nothing but work and/or studying). And even if I can’t get therapy for whatever reason, I can try to make some friends down there. It’s very difficult for me to make friends because of lingering social anxiety,
If my financial aid doesn’t get through, then I’ll probably have to tell my dad to his face that I want to live here for a while (I can’t say “I want to get away from you” or anything of the sort yet for reasons that are likely clear to you folks). I know this might sound strange, but the thought of doing this is terrifying. Judging from how he treated me before I left, I know that if tell him straight-up that I want to leave, he’s going to be extremely manipulative.
I don’t have any attachment to my father, so I guess to some people it’s hard to understand why hearing his manipulative words is difficult for me. But somehow when he says these things, it’s like a crushing blow. I don’t know anyone more capable of tearing away at my self-esteem and self-worth than my father. He has manipulated me to the point of making me break down, cry, and start debasing myself just so that I can get him to stop saying those things to me. That’s what happened to me once when he got angry at me for not calling my grandfather when he asked me to.
I also know that he will never pay for my education again if I don’t go this quarter, so it will be much more difficult for me to go to UCSC (as much as I wish that I could be financially independent of him). My older sister and my mom are willing to help pay for my school expenses if my dad withdraws his support, but it will still be difficult for me. So I’m anxious about that as well.
Anyway, if anything I’m saying sounds over the top or ridiculous, I’m sorry. I know I keep saying a lot of things repeatedly, and if it’s annoying anyone, please let me know. And I apologize if this comment is long-winded and confusing to anyone.
Ally, This is exactly what these open threads are for. No need to apologize.
It sounds to me like your father is an expert abuser. I have known people like that, luckily only in capacities where it was relatively easy for me to get away from them. They have a truly scary ability to know exactly how to hurt other people, physically or psychologically.
I hope and trust that things will work out for you so that you can get out from under his control/influence as soon as possible, since I think you will be much happier then. Until then, all I can really offer is internet hugs and a sympathetic ear. (Or eye, on the internet, I suppose — but you know what I mean.)
Meanwhile, shore up your emotional reserves while you’re with your loving, supportive relatives, and know that we’re all here for you when you need us.
Why do you have to tell him to his face? If your mom is supportive, just have her (or someone else who supports you) tell him. Or call him. Or send him an email or text. It’s not like you owe it to him to tell him directly or anything (although no doubt if you did it would be an empowering feeling); he absolutely deserves to have someone else show up at his door and announce that they’re taking your stuff because you’re not coming back because he’s an asshole.
Why do you have to tell him to his face? If your mom is supportive, just have her (or someone else who supports you) tell him. Or call him. Or send him an email or text. It’s not like you owe it to him to tell him directly or anything (although no doubt if you did it would be an empowering feeling); he absolutely deserves to have someone else show up at his door and announce that they’re taking your stuff because you’re not coming back because he’s an asshole.
[Content note: threats of violence]
Well, my dad was abusive to my mom as well – even more so than he has been to me. That was the reason she got a divorce, in fact. I don’t want her to relive her fears by talking to him directly through any means. But maybe my brother can talk to him.
Anyway, “to his face” wasn’t actually literal (poor phrase choice on my part) – I can also send him an email. I don’t want to call him or talk to him in person because I don’t want him to be all like “You’re going to get it from me” towards me.
I’m sorry, I didn’t know about your mom. Of course she should not be put in that kind of situation. Since your dad is so manipulative, it would just be really helpful for someone else to be able to talk to him so that he won’t have a chance to put pressure on you. If I were there, I would totally talk to him for you.
It’s all right, katz – I haven’t said much here about my dad abusing my mom, so I understand if you didn’t see me saying that before.
Anyway, I’m going to have to talk to him myself. I don’t want anyone else to deal with him because he’s very unpleasant (although I think you’re very kind for making the suggestion of doing it yourself, even though it was hypothetical). Bringing someone else into this, especially someone who is a stranger to him, is going to result in making things much worse for everyone.
I think I’ll be fine – as long as I try to reduce the chance of an anxiety attack and take care of myself as much as I can.
It sounds to me like your father is an expert abuser. I have known people like that, luckily only in capacities where it was relatively easy for me to get away from them. They have a truly scary ability to know exactly how to hurt other people, physically or psychologically.
I agree. He has such a strong grip on me that I’m afraid of even calling him out for being abusive because he uses self-pity to make me feel like I’m a horrible person for saying that he’s being abusive.
Since the open thread’s open again … I just had my second ESR blood test in the space of a fortnight, checking the inflammation levels. The normal range is 5-25. My first test read 75. I’ve no idea what’s causing this; I’d gone to the doctor because of severe pain in my upper legs, which felt like referred muscle pain from this bloody knee. But a reading that high could be all sorts of things – rheumatoid arthritis, cancer, something to do with the liver disease I have, food sensitivity increasing with menopause – goodness knows what.
Ally, do you have a friend who’s place you can stay at for a day or so without him knowing before you move on to your mom’s if you wind up taking that route? Because that way you can tell him over the phone it is now time for you to part ways and it prevents him from coming directly at you or your mom.
Ally, do you have a friend who’s place you can stay at for a day or so without him knowing before you move on to your mom’s if you wind up taking that route? Because that way you can tell him over the phone it is now time for you to part ways and it prevents him from coming directly at you or your mom.
Hugs if you want them for this situation.
A regular here (yes, that would indeed be Pecunium, kitteh) has helped me get in touch with someone who might be able to help me in that regard. So fortunately, yes.
We Hunted The Mammoth
Ally, is it possible for you to stay in Colorado? Could you get work there?
That’s what I’m wondering too. It seems like it is such a better environment for you.
All the hugs.
All the hugs for everybody!
I’m glad you’re doing better there 🙂 It would sure be nice if you didn’t have to go back. Would your mom & fam help you move out of your dad’s house?
Good to hear you’re currently surrounded by loving and supportive peeps, now, Ally. I do hope that will last for you. 🙂
Thanks you two :>
Whether I get to stay here depends entirely on whether I remain eligible for financial aid from UCSC. Because I was late in submitting that form I mentioned above, my financial aid will likely be jeopardized – but if I end up still being eligible for the full aid amount, I’ll probably go. Of course there are a lot of disadvantages to going to university this quarter – most notably the fact that I’ll still be within my dad’s reach – but if I go, I can at least try to fix some things. My teacher, who got her Bachelor’s at UCSC, told me that I can try to seek therapy through UCSC’s student health care – and I’ve confirmed this myself. Since the way my current class schedule is set up (my father made me register for classes) gives me a lot of free time, I can go for therapy sessions without his knowledge. Even if I continue to live with my father (ugh) while going this quarter, I can still come back home very late and make excuses such as me taking too long on the commute and me needing to study close to campus for concentration reasons (he sure seems to care about me doing nothing but work and/or studying). And even if I can’t get therapy for whatever reason, I can try to make some friends down there. It’s very difficult for me to make friends because of lingering social anxiety,
If my financial aid doesn’t get through, then I’ll probably have to tell my dad to his face that I want to live here for a while (I can’t say “I want to get away from you” or anything of the sort yet for reasons that are likely clear to you folks). I know this might sound strange, but the thought of doing this is terrifying. Judging from how he treated me before I left, I know that if tell him straight-up that I want to leave, he’s going to be extremely manipulative.
I don’t have any attachment to my father, so I guess to some people it’s hard to understand why hearing his manipulative words is difficult for me. But somehow when he says these things, it’s like a crushing blow. I don’t know anyone more capable of tearing away at my self-esteem and self-worth than my father. He has manipulated me to the point of making me break down, cry, and start debasing myself just so that I can get him to stop saying those things to me. That’s what happened to me once when he got angry at me for not calling my grandfather when he asked me to.
I also know that he will never pay for my education again if I don’t go this quarter, so it will be much more difficult for me to go to UCSC (as much as I wish that I could be financially independent of him). My older sister and my mom are willing to help pay for my school expenses if my dad withdraws his support, but it will still be difficult for me. So I’m anxious about that as well.
Anyway, if anything I’m saying sounds over the top or ridiculous, I’m sorry. I know I keep saying a lot of things repeatedly, and if it’s annoying anyone, please let me know. And I apologize if this comment is long-winded and confusing to anyone.
Ally, This is exactly what these open threads are for. No need to apologize.
It sounds to me like your father is an expert abuser. I have known people like that, luckily only in capacities where it was relatively easy for me to get away from them. They have a truly scary ability to know exactly how to hurt other people, physically or psychologically.
I hope and trust that things will work out for you so that you can get out from under his control/influence as soon as possible, since I think you will be much happier then. Until then, all I can really offer is internet hugs and a sympathetic ear. (Or eye, on the internet, I suppose — but you know what I mean.)
Meanwhile, shore up your emotional reserves while you’re with your loving, supportive relatives, and know that we’re all here for you when you need us.
Why do you have to tell him to his face? If your mom is supportive, just have her (or someone else who supports you) tell him. Or call him. Or send him an email or text. It’s not like you owe it to him to tell him directly or anything (although no doubt if you did it would be an empowering feeling); he absolutely deserves to have someone else show up at his door and announce that they’re taking your stuff because you’re not coming back because he’s an asshole.
[Content note: threats of violence]
Well, my dad was abusive to my mom as well – even more so than he has been to me. That was the reason she got a divorce, in fact. I don’t want her to relive her fears by talking to him directly through any means. But maybe my brother can talk to him.
Anyway, “to his face” wasn’t actually literal (poor phrase choice on my part) – I can also send him an email. I don’t want to call him or talk to him in person because I don’t want him to be all like “You’re going to get it from me” towards me.
I’m sorry, I didn’t know about your mom. Of course she should not be put in that kind of situation. Since your dad is so manipulative, it would just be really helpful for someone else to be able to talk to him so that he won’t have a chance to put pressure on you. If I were there, I would totally talk to him for you.
It’s all right, katz – I haven’t said much here about my dad abusing my mom, so I understand if you didn’t see me saying that before.
Anyway, I’m going to have to talk to him myself. I don’t want anyone else to deal with him because he’s very unpleasant (although I think you’re very kind for making the suggestion of doing it yourself, even though it was hypothetical). Bringing someone else into this, especially someone who is a stranger to him, is going to result in making things much worse for everyone.
I think I’ll be fine – as long as I try to reduce the chance of an anxiety attack and take care of myself as much as I can.
I agree. He has such a strong grip on me that I’m afraid of even calling him out for being abusive because he uses self-pity to make me feel like I’m a horrible person for saying that he’s being abusive.
Since the open thread’s open again … I just had my second ESR blood test in the space of a fortnight, checking the inflammation levels. The normal range is 5-25. My first test read 75. I’ve no idea what’s causing this; I’d gone to the doctor because of severe pain in my upper legs, which felt like referred muscle pain from this bloody knee. But a reading that high could be all sorts of things – rheumatoid arthritis, cancer, something to do with the liver disease I have, food sensitivity increasing with menopause – goodness knows what.
I’m more than a little pissed off about all this.
Oh no, kittehserf. 🙁 E-hugs for you.
Hope everything gets better for you soon kitteh :{
Thanks folks!
More hugs from me too! Hope they figure it out soon, so you can tackle whatever is causing it.
Ally, do you have a friend who’s place you can stay at for a day or so without him knowing before you move on to your mom’s if you wind up taking that route? Because that way you can tell him over the phone it is now time for you to part ways and it prevents him from coming directly at you or your mom.
Hugs if you want them for this situation.
Following what princessbonbon said – have you contacted Pecunium about possible places to stay?
Kitteh: Oh my, that sounds very serious! I hope you are OK!
Positive feelings to the folks having rough times here. I hope you get away from your dad, Ally, and I hope your health gets better, Kittehs.
Thanks, LBT, cloudiah!
A regular here (yes, that would indeed be Pecunium, kitteh) has helped me get in touch with someone who might be able to help me in that regard. So fortunately, yes.
Also, I just did some exercises to help me feminize my voice, and it sounds like I’m getting somewhere! I’m so excited =D
Ally — *hugs* if they’re welcome.
Kitteh — hope it turns out to be nothing too serious, good luck.