Roosh’s Return of Kings blog recently posted a list of “7 Brilliant Songs To Make Love To,” to help all the would-be Romeos (and possible rapists) who read his blog to more easily manipulate drunk women into bed.
I would like to provide a somewhat more whimsical service to readers here of all genders. So here are 9 Amazing Songs That It Is Probably Impossible To Have Sex To (Unless You Have Them Playing At Extremely Low Volume).
1) Joe Meek: Original demo version of Telstar. Joe Meek was a brilliant if eccentric British producer who was unfortunately not such a brilliant singer. Here he sings — in a rather jarringly off-key manner — the melody to what became the massive hit “Telstar.” Luckily his studio musicians were able to figure out what he was getting at. For the much improved final product, listen here.
2) Unknown Band: Cocaine It’s impossible not to stare and listen in horror at the train wreck that is this cover version of Cocaine, and staring in horror is not generally conducive to sweet, sweet lovemaking. Plus, I’m guessing at least one of these dudes is a Men’s Rights Activist.
3) Boxxy: You See (Extended Version) It’s the famously and deliberately irritating Internet meme girl Boxxy, only she’s been autotuned into something even more irritating. And this is the Extended Version.
3.1) Boxxy: Boxxy’s love song Oh wait, this one’s even worse.
4) brokeNCYDE: Freaxxx This emo-screamo mess might put you off sex, and music, forever.
5) Throbbing Gristle – Live in Sheffield – University (10 June 1980) If you really want to spoil the mood, 57 minutes of Throbbing Gristle live will certainly do the trick.
6) Rush: The Trees An Ayn-Randian parable on the wonders of the free market, with the main characters in the story being DIFFERENT SPECIES OF TREES. And it’s sung by Geddy Lee. Captain Awkward considers this the ultimate Sex Kryptonite song.
7) Sonseed: Jesus is My Friend Christian ska, by some people who really have no business playing ska at all. So, obviously, no sex will ever be happening to this song.
8) Jade Michael and the FTSU Crew: Go My Own Way A Men’s Rights classic! MRAs will be too busy “going their own way” to have sex to this, while the rest of us will be laughing too hard.
9) Rick Dees: Disco Duck On second thought, I think it might actually be possible to have sex to this song. Possibly even awesome sex.
Wow, even the older Eurovision acts are on YT. Here’s one from 1957:
A translation of the lyrics to that one:
These guys apparently beat out ABBA to represent Sweden:
These are addictive! Lithuania’s 2010 entry is fun:
Any mention of eurovision just leads me to this song:
OMG, that Rush song! I remember once pulling an all-nighter for a surface pattern design class with the radio on–that song came on and when coupled with sleep deprivation, I thought I was tripping. Nothing quite like painting a plaid and hearing shit about trees at 4am.
I think it depends on how it’s done for me. I always think it is a little weird when someone gets up to put music on before sex (like specifically for the sex), but it’s not usually too bad. But putting on really “seductive” music or pretentious stuff? It’s often absolutely awkward. Especially when you can tell your partner is trying to show off…
Neal Peart renounced objectivism? If that’s so my respect meter went up for him a millionfold.
Having sex to anything remotely reminiscent of Ayn Rand? No.
I had a boyfriend who was a libertarian (I know . . .) who loved Rush and Ayn Rand and that Trees song and I think even he would have thought it was a pretty goofy sex music choice. At least I hope so. Anyway, he didn’t inflict it on me. Er, you know, at least not during those other activities.
@thekidwiththereplaceablehead
Godspeed! you Black Emperor? We here in Oklahoma don’t take kindly to such terrorists.
(really hoping someone gets this)
I like music during sex. But my partner has to be okay with the fact that my mind is very suggestible to beats and that whatever I’m doing is going to be on tempo and timed to the music. It’s unconscious. My ex though hated that (she felt this was going even beyond the amount of silly that naturally accompanies having sex with me, to levels of sillyness that were Unsexy), so we quit doing music-sex.
Also, it didn’t help that our typical make out music was Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir, His Hero is Gone or Tragedy.
I’ll take everyone’s word for it about how bad those songs are – never heard them, and I plan to keep it that way! 😀
There’s Metal Machine Music by Lou Reed, probably the album it’s the least possible to do anything at all to.
Dog put into ‘Man’s Best Friendzone.’
And he’s wearing a predictable hat. But look, Kittehs, there’s a movement to take back the fedora!
I see that cover band and raise you this:
Also, I laugh my ass off whenever I see that one brokeNCYDE video. I can’t describe why. Probably has something to do with how they probably think they look cool and how some of those girls don’t even try to act like they enjoy being there.
And while we’re at it, hardcore dancing:
There are few things more worthy of ridicule than hardcore dancing.
@cloudiah – love the NiceDog™, and Fedoras for Fairness is the best! 🙂
Cthulhu’s Intern – I’ll see your hardcore dancing and raise you one JohntheOtter doing hardcore dancing. (No, alas, it isn’t a thing, as far as I know, but can you imagine how shittastic it would be if some of the more ridiculous MRAs went in for that stuff?)
Or maybe it is a thing …
Drat, wrong code. Try again: http://gifb.in/sdBV
We need to somehow convince them that feminists absolutely hate hardcore dancing. We pretend that we think it promotes violence against women or something. They’d HAVE to do it to spite us.
I like your thinking! 😀
Who would look sillier, I wonder … JohntheOtter or Paul Elam? Can’t you just see them doing it so seriously?
How about both of them? At the same time? Acting like they’re fighting the most incompetent invisible ninjas or being chased by a swarm of very lazy bees?
WANT.