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9 Amazing Songs That It Is Probably Impossible To Have Sex To

She drove him away with Throbbing Gristle.
She drove him away with Throbbing Gristle.

Roosh’s Return of Kings blog recently posted a list of “7 Brilliant Songs To Make Love To,” to help all the would-be Romeos (and possible rapists) who read his blog to more easily manipulate drunk women into bed.

I would like to provide a somewhat more whimsical service to readers here of all genders. So here are 9 Amazing Songs That It Is Probably Impossible To Have Sex To (Unless You Have Them Playing At Extremely Low Volume).

1) Joe Meek: Original demo version of Telstar. Joe Meek was a brilliant if eccentric British producer who was unfortunately not such a brilliant singer. Here he sings — in a rather jarringly off-key manner — the melody to what became the massive hit “Telstar.” Luckily his studio musicians were able to figure out what he was getting at. For the much improved final product, listen here.

2) Unknown Band: Cocaine It’s impossible not to stare and listen in horror at the train wreck that is this cover version of Cocaine, and staring in horror is not generally conducive to sweet, sweet lovemaking. Plus, I’m guessing at least one of these dudes is a Men’s Rights Activist.

3) Boxxy:  You See (Extended Version) It’s the famously and deliberately irritating Internet meme girl Boxxy, only she’s been autotuned into something even more irritating. And this is the Extended Version.

3.1) Boxxy: Boxxy’s love song  Oh wait, this one’s even worse.

4) brokeNCYDE: Freaxxx This emo-screamo mess might put you off sex, and music, forever.

5) Throbbing Gristle – Live in Sheffield – University (10 June 1980) If you really want to spoil the mood, 57 minutes of Throbbing Gristle live will certainly do the trick.

6) Rush: The Trees An Ayn-Randian parable on the wonders of the free market, with the main characters in the story being DIFFERENT SPECIES OF TREES. And it’s sung by Geddy Lee. Captain Awkward considers this the ultimate Sex Kryptonite song.

7) Sonseed: Jesus is My Friend Christian ska, by some people who really have no business playing ska at all. So, obviously, no sex will ever be happening to this song.


8) Jade Michael and the FTSU Crew: Go My Own Way A Men’s Rights classic! MRAs will be too busy “going their own way” to have sex to this, while the rest of us will be laughing too hard.

9) Rick Dees: Disco Duck  On second thought, I think it might actually be possible to have sex to this song. Possibly even awesome sex.

 

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cloudiah
7 years ago

Wow, even the older Eurovision acts are on YT. Here’s one from 1957:

cloudiah
7 years ago

A translation of the lyrics to that one:

Where, little pony, do we want to ride to?
Where should my song accompany us today?
To your herds, the little horses?
There the valleys are immensely wide

Where, little pony, do we want to ride to?
Where should my song accompany us today?
To the green pasture, there in the moorland
Where once I’ve kissed, at the time of roses

Today is a day only for both of us
And you and me are carefree
Who else sees the world as beautiful
As beautiful as we see it?

Where, little pony, do we want to ride to?
My song will truly accompany both of us
And through the fields, the wide fields
It sounds in the wind, how happy we are

Today is a day only for both of us
And you and me are carefree
Who else sees the world as beautiful
As beautiful as we see it?

Where, little pony, do we want to ride to?
My song will truly accompany both of us
And through the fields, the wide fields
Sounds for both of us, my herippihei

cloudiah
7 years ago

These guys apparently beat out ABBA to represent Sweden:

cloudiah
7 years ago

These are addictive! Lithuania’s 2010 entry is fun:

aworldanonymous
7 years ago

Any mention of eurovision just leads me to this song:

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

OMG, that Rush song! I remember once pulling an all-nighter for a surface pattern design class with the radio on–that song came on and when coupled with sleep deprivation, I thought I was tripping. Nothing quite like painting a plaid and hearing shit about trees at 4am.

AK
AK
7 years ago

Honestly, the idea of having sex while any kind of music is playing sounds horribly awkward to me personally. I’d just laugh out of extreme awkwardness and then ruin the mood. >_>

I think it depends on how it’s done for me. I always think it is a little weird when someone gets up to put music on before sex (like specifically for the sex), but it’s not usually too bad. But putting on really “seductive” music or pretentious stuff? It’s often absolutely awkward. Especially when you can tell your partner is trying to show off…

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

Neal Peart renounced objectivism? If that’s so my respect meter went up for him a millionfold.

Having sex to anything remotely reminiscent of Ayn Rand? No.

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

I had a boyfriend who was a libertarian (I know . . .) who loved Rush and Ayn Rand and that Trees song and I think even he would have thought it was a pretty goofy sex music choice. At least I hope so. Anyway, he didn’t inflict it on me. Er, you know, at least not during those other activities.

Dave
Dave
7 years ago

@thekidwiththereplaceablehead

Godspeed! you Black Emperor? We here in Oklahoma don’t take kindly to such terrorists.

(really hoping someone gets this)

BlackBloc (@XBlackBlocX)

I like music during sex. But my partner has to be okay with the fact that my mind is very suggestible to beats and that whatever I’m doing is going to be on tempo and timed to the music. It’s unconscious. My ex though hated that (she felt this was going even beyond the amount of silly that naturally accompanies having sex with me, to levels of sillyness that were Unsexy), so we quit doing music-sex.

BlackBloc (@XBlackBlocX)

Also, it didn’t help that our typical make out music was Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir, His Hero is Gone or Tragedy.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

I’ll take everyone’s word for it about how bad those songs are – never heard them, and I plan to keep it that way! 😀

Citizen Justin
Citizen Justin
7 years ago

There’s Metal Machine Music by Lou Reed, probably the album it’s the least possible to do anything at all to.

cloudiah
7 years ago

Dog put into ‘Man’s Best Friendzone.’

And he’s wearing a predictable hat. But look, Kittehs, there’s a movement to take back the fedora!

Cthulhu's Intern
7 years ago

I see that cover band and raise you this:

Also, I laugh my ass off whenever I see that one brokeNCYDE video. I can’t describe why. Probably has something to do with how they probably think they look cool and how some of those girls don’t even try to act like they enjoy being there.

Cthulhu's Intern
7 years ago

And while we’re at it, hardcore dancing:

There are few things more worthy of ridicule than hardcore dancing.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

@cloudiah – love the NiceDog™, and Fedoras for Fairness is the best! 🙂

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Cthulhu’s Intern – I’ll see your hardcore dancing and raise you one JohntheOtter doing hardcore dancing. (No, alas, it isn’t a thing, as far as I know, but can you imagine how shittastic it would be if some of the more ridiculous MRAs went in for that stuff?)

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Or maybe it is a thing …

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Drat, wrong code. Try again: http://gifb.in/sdBV

Cthulhu's Intern
7 years ago

We need to somehow convince them that feminists absolutely hate hardcore dancing. We pretend that we think it promotes violence against women or something. They’d HAVE to do it to spite us.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

I like your thinking! 😀

Who would look sillier, I wonder … JohntheOtter or Paul Elam? Can’t you just see them doing it so seriously?

Cthulhu's Intern
7 years ago

How about both of them? At the same time? Acting like they’re fighting the most incompetent invisible ninjas or being chased by a swarm of very lazy bees?

Kittehserf
7 years ago

How about both of them? At the same time? Acting like they’re fighting the most incompetent invisible ninjas or being chased by a swarm of very lazy bees?

WANT.

cloudiah
7 years ago

It would almost be worth joining Second Life (do people still do that?) just to create Paul and JtO avatars to act that out.

pecunium
7 years ago

re Portsmouth Sinfonia: that’s the orchestra trained by Harold Hill,

Kittehserf
7 years ago

cloudiah – imagine if we had a Manboobz Second Life.

One with avatars, I mean. 😛

Quackers
Quackers
7 years ago

is Closer by Nine Inch Nails on that Roosh list? because if it is, it’s been ruined forever, like The Matrix and fedoras.

(ok maybe not forever, just while I’m on the internets)

Rabukurafuto
Rabukurafuto
7 years ago

About Rush’s “The Trees”. I heard that it wasn’t meant to be about Objectivism; Neil Peart claimed that he just thought trees would act like that if they were people. Fans and detractors alike find the lyrics too close to the usual Objectivist prattle to think it’s a coincidence though, especially since this is a band that went on about Onjectivism at length in a lot of their other songs.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

This whole Trees thing has me thinking about Pterry’s Counting Pines …

katz
7 years ago

I heard that it wasn’t meant to be about Objectivism; Neil Peart claimed that he just thought trees would act like that if they were people.

He could try to sell that if it didn’t have the “and then a union came and ruined the cool trees’ natural superiority” ending.

Rabukurafuto
Rabukurafuto
7 years ago

He could try to sell that if it didn’t have the “and then a union came and ruined the cool trees’ natural superiority” ending.

I think he was truthful, but he had absorbed so much much of Rand’s influence at the time that he thought people really behaved like Rand claimed they did.

katz
7 years ago

Fair enough, but it’s six of one, half a dozen of the other at that point.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
7 years ago

And yet rumor has it that brokeNCYDE are one of the bands most likely to attempt to bang pretty much any female fan that they meet (I use the term “bang” deliberately here, as I can’t imagine it being much fun for anyone involved). So apparently there are some women who can sit through a whole set of that crap without it putting them off sex.

Never has there been a better illustration of the cliche that there’s no accounting for taste. Also, I can’t watch that video without wanting to pull the one dude’s pants up for him, since he’s managed to find the most unflattering spot possible to have them sit at on his hips. My inner fashion snob is as offended as my ears are.

Rabukurafuto
Rabukurafuto
7 years ago

Peart claims today that he abandoned Objectivism for…”bleeding-heart libertarianism”, a form of libertarianism that claims to be pro-social justice. I have no idea how that’s supposed to work because it seems like one would cancel out the other.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Whenever I see low-slung pants I want to tell the wearer to pull ’em up. On men particularly it looks like a baby with a full nappy.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
7 years ago

I am kind of fascinated by the fact that dudebro managed to find the exact worst spot to place his waistband. Given how awful their overall aesthetic is I’m assuming he did it on purpose.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
7 years ago

The Christian ska wins that “can’t have sex to this, nope, sorry” award, just because I’d be laughing too hard.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

I’ve yet to see any low-slung pants that didn’t qualify as the worst spot to place the waistband … below the waist means any belly you have is pushed out (muffin top for guys), and when the crotch ends up seriously lower than the, ah, crotch, it just has FAIL all over it in my eyes.

And as for seeing the dude’s knickers over the jeans, no, no, no nonononono.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

I don’t really want to have sex to music. There are plenty of songs/instrumentals that set the mood, whether we’re talking recorded stuff or having a giggle fit at Mr K tooling around on the lute, but during it’s a bit distracting.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
7 years ago

Oh, I’ve seen low-rise jeans look great on some guys. It’s just that in this case he’s got the waistband sitting on the wrong place, and they don’t fit right, so it’s just awkward. We’re never going to agree on the issue of where the waistband sits in general, since I pretty much always prefer it to sit below the actual waist.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

I should distinguish between low cut and low slung – I don’t mind lowish cut jeans, I just hate it when they’re ones worn like they’re falling off. Fitting snugly on the butt makes all the difference, mostly.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
7 years ago

On that we can agree. Baggy butt is not a good look for any pants, or any butt either.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

I tend not to see the waistline itself for preference anyway; I’m not wild about tops or shirts tucked in, especially when the waist is low. I like a shirt or jumper to cover the waistline.

Kitties can get away with baggy butts, of course, ‘cos fur.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
7 years ago

That’s part of what looks odd about Mr Bad Hair’s ensemble above – the tshirt is awkwardly short in comparison to the pants. It just doesn’t work, overall. Fashion snob gives his outfit 2/10.

I actually like seeing that flash of skin at the waist on guys sometimes, but it’s a tricky look to pull off.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
7 years ago

Or, hmm, not really too short, just ill-fitting, like the pants.

I wonder if critiquing a man’s dress sense is misandry.

grumpycatisagirl
7 years ago

“Peart claims today that he abandoned Objectivism for…”bleeding-heart libertarianism”, a form of libertarianism that claims to be pro-social justice. I have no idea how that’s supposed to work because it seems like one would cancel out the other.”

Never mind what I said then . . . I think my respect meter might be staying right where it is.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Bound to be.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Critiquing a man’s dress sense being misandry, that is.