Roosh’s Return of Kings blog recently posted a list of “7 Brilliant Songs To Make Love To,” to help all the would-be Romeos (and possible rapists) who read his blog to more easily manipulate drunk women into bed.
I would like to provide a somewhat more whimsical service to readers here of all genders. So here are 9 Amazing Songs That It Is Probably Impossible To Have Sex To (Unless You Have Them Playing At Extremely Low Volume).
1) Joe Meek: Original demo version of Telstar. Joe Meek was a brilliant if eccentric British producer who was unfortunately not such a brilliant singer. Here he sings — in a rather jarringly off-key manner — the melody to what became the massive hit “Telstar.” Luckily his studio musicians were able to figure out what he was getting at. For the much improved final product, listen here.
2) Unknown Band: Cocaine It’s impossible not to stare and listen in horror at the train wreck that is this cover version of Cocaine, and staring in horror is not generally conducive to sweet, sweet lovemaking. Plus, I’m guessing at least one of these dudes is a Men’s Rights Activist.
3) Boxxy: You See (Extended Version) It’s the famously and deliberately irritating Internet meme girl Boxxy, only she’s been autotuned into something even more irritating. And this is the Extended Version.
3.1) Boxxy: Boxxy’s love song Oh wait, this one’s even worse.
4) brokeNCYDE: Freaxxx This emo-screamo mess might put you off sex, and music, forever.
5) Throbbing Gristle – Live in Sheffield – University (10 June 1980) If you really want to spoil the mood, 57 minutes of Throbbing Gristle live will certainly do the trick.
6) Rush: The Trees An Ayn-Randian parable on the wonders of the free market, with the main characters in the story being DIFFERENT SPECIES OF TREES. And it’s sung by Geddy Lee. Captain Awkward considers this the ultimate Sex Kryptonite song.
7) Sonseed: Jesus is My Friend Christian ska, by some people who really have no business playing ska at all. So, obviously, no sex will ever be happening to this song.
8) Jade Michael and the FTSU Crew: Go My Own Way A Men’s Rights classic! MRAs will be too busy “going their own way” to have sex to this, while the rest of us will be laughing too hard.
9) Rick Dees: Disco Duck On second thought, I think it might actually be possible to have sex to this song. Possibly even awesome sex.
theseventhguest, I found this: http://goodmenproject.com/evergreen/im-leaving-the-gmp/
It seems all is well and we just have to wait for hir to get a new blog up.
@seranna
That post is from December. The blog was on wordpress, but it is redirecting to zir old GMP articles.
Also, you can say “t7g”, I’ll still know it’s for me.
I can’t watch those now… My tummy is sick.
I deserve it though. I got a bottle of those gummy vitamins, for calcium. You’re only supposed to take 2, spaced out in the day, but I sat there and ate at least 14. They were just too delicious.
It is quite possible to have sex while listening to Skinny Puppy. The Swans… Not so much.
However, I’m surprised that Leonard Nimoy’s Bilbo Baggins wasn’t included. Nobody can have sex during that song. Nobody.
@auggziliary
I do that with the children’s chewables. They’re just so yummy! Plus it is the only way I could get my beloved to take a vitamin. Now that we’re on a third shift sleep schedule, I added a vitamin D pill too, since we hate and fear the sun.
@Nova, come to think of it I suppose you’re right, dammit this means I have to arrange things so that I go out of my way to lose my virginity at Kinetik.
Also I actually took a look at rooshes list, and just skimming the titles I realized that he has a very boring taste in sex music.
According to my friend, this is the best sexing song:
Ah, the Unwanted Song is my childhood favorite. My eccentric older brother showed it to me and then I had to make all of my friends listen to it. It was quite an experience, listening to it so many times.
But, man, I did not know that there was actually a song about Men Going Their Own Way.
@Aaliyah
I was disappointed when I found out Rush were basically an objectivist band too. Fortunately Neil had an epiphany and basically renounced randian philosophy.
@aworldanonymous
Ah, the joys of youth. In time, good sexing songs will have a much slower tempo.
That tree song… Good lord. Ayn Rand X Dr.Seuss?
Honestly, the idea of having sex while any kind of music is playing sounds horribly awkward to me personally. I’d just laugh out of extreme awkwardness and then ruin the mood. >_>
Showing my age, but I was very fond of Throbbing Gristle 30 years ago. You had to love “Hamburger Lady” to git wit me! 😉
Off-topic, but apparently Price has been interviewed by a journalist. Something worth watching out for:http://www.the-spearhead.com/2013/06/08/on-natural-roles/
http://www.the-spearhead.com/2013/06/06/what-does-equality-mean/
Not a huge fan of Rush, but I love “Cold Fire”. Much easier to identify with the subject of the song than the narrator.
It was just before sunrise
When we started on traditional roles
She said, ‘Sure, I’ll be your partner
But don’t make too many demands’
I said, ‘If love has these conditions
I don’t understand those songs you love’
She said, ‘This is not a love song
This isn’t fantasyland’
I didn’t realize that , t7g. Now I’m worried again. 🙁
On topic, I think if I tried to listen to Disco Duck while having sex, I’d be laughing too hard to do anything.
I don’t know how sexy this song is, but it’s my newest favorite, and I played it for my husband just before sexytimes last night. I stopped the video just before the very end, though. I thought it was too much of a downer for the mood.
Hmm, that makes sense. I’ve always heard it interpreted as just mocking the general public and their taste in art/music, though.
Obligatory: That is Very Dangerous. T7g in particular, if those vitamins have iron in them (gummies never do, AFAIK), don’t take extras unless you want to end up in the emergency room!
Katz, yeah I am fine now, i wasn’t really thinking when I ate them… Also what is t7g?
augochlorella: I love it! Reminds me of Symphony Hour…
…which I’d link but after watching on youtube, realized it resorts to a couple cheap racist gags. =P
Damn you manboobz! I went on Roosh’s website and looked at other articles and a few comments. Rapey! I can’t even bring up their bullshit here, not enough brain bleach can erase that turd.
I’ve seen the other posts on Roosh here, but I’d never checked the actual website. The weird thing is, I know a few guys who think he’s a moderate PUA who doesn’t sink in misogyny. Again, no rape culture here folks.
Auggziliary, t7g is what theseventhguest said we could use for short.
I just went and listened to the first 5 of Roosh’s songs – ick. The little bits I played seemed so cheesy. I think if a guy played those for me I’d think he was trying too hard and it would turn me right off. I didn’t read the whole post over there (I’m out of Pepto Bismol atm) but does he really think those songs are sexy himself or does he just think all women will like them?
I’d just have a hard time making love to a song with a strong beat because I’d constantly be unconsciously trying to sync up with it.
I just realized that Roosh essentially made a mixtape for his followers. Isn’t that kind of beta?
Also, this song would be much more likely to put me in the mood than anything on Roosh’s list, though I might insist on having the video playing at the same time:
Another song more likely to put me in the mood than Roosh’s mixtape:
EUROVISIOOOOOOOOOOOON!
…Is that guy playing air guitar on a trumpet?