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9 Amazing Songs That It Is Probably Impossible To Have Sex To

She drove him away with Throbbing Gristle.
She drove him away with Throbbing Gristle.

Roosh’s Return of Kings blog recently posted a list of “7 Brilliant Songs To Make Love To,” to help all the would-be Romeos (and possible rapists) who read his blog to more easily manipulate drunk women into bed.

I would like to provide a somewhat more whimsical service to readers here of all genders. So here are 9 Amazing Songs That It Is Probably Impossible To Have Sex To (Unless You Have Them Playing At Extremely Low Volume).

1) Joe Meek: Original demo version of Telstar. Joe Meek was a brilliant if eccentric British producer who was unfortunately not such a brilliant singer. Here he sings — in a rather jarringly off-key manner — the melody to what became the massive hit “Telstar.” Luckily his studio musicians were able to figure out what he was getting at. For the much improved final product, listen here.

2) Unknown Band: Cocaine It’s impossible not to stare and listen in horror at the train wreck that is this cover version of Cocaine, and staring in horror is not generally conducive to sweet, sweet lovemaking. Plus, I’m guessing at least one of these dudes is a Men’s Rights Activist.

3) Boxxy:  You See (Extended Version) It’s the famously and deliberately irritating Internet meme girl Boxxy, only she’s been autotuned into something even more irritating. And this is the Extended Version.

3.1) Boxxy: Boxxy’s love song  Oh wait, this one’s even worse.

4) brokeNCYDE: Freaxxx This emo-screamo mess might put you off sex, and music, forever.

5) Throbbing Gristle – Live in Sheffield – University (10 June 1980) If you really want to spoil the mood, 57 minutes of Throbbing Gristle live will certainly do the trick.

6) Rush: The Trees An Ayn-Randian parable on the wonders of the free market, with the main characters in the story being DIFFERENT SPECIES OF TREES. And it’s sung by Geddy Lee. Captain Awkward considers this the ultimate Sex Kryptonite song.

7) Sonseed: Jesus is My Friend Christian ska, by some people who really have no business playing ska at all. So, obviously, no sex will ever be happening to this song.


8) Jade Michael and the FTSU Crew: Go My Own Way A Men’s Rights classic! MRAs will be too busy “going their own way” to have sex to this, while the rest of us will be laughing too hard.

9) Rick Dees: Disco Duck  On second thought, I think it might actually be possible to have sex to this song. Possibly even awesome sex.

 

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Darth Conans
Darth Conans
7 years ago

Other suggestion: “I wish I could vomit blood on you… people” by Anaal Nathrakh, or indeed anything by the same band. It is 3 minutes of deliberately unpleasant noise designed to punish people for liking the band.

MaudeLL
7 years ago

I suggest Dave Soldier’s most unwanted song.

He conducted a survey to know what people thought the worst genre/lyrics/style of music would be, and if I remember well, the result was a Western opera-rap about Labour Day.

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=9fCtDO7OcRM

katz
7 years ago

I can’t help noticing that Roosh doesn’t seem to have much to say about the songs. Every song just has a one-sentence description that’s like “This whole album is awesome but this song is the best.”

PS the band playing Cocaine is called Hush.

aworldanonymous
7 years ago

Anything and everything by skinny puppy is wonderful and completely impossible to have sex to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUCatOT1D-Q

augochlorella
7 years ago

I may have posted this before, but I think this is a more appropriate A Voice for Men theme.

… You could maybe have sex to it.

katz
7 years ago

Maude: The Most Unwanted Song is truly amazing. Here’s the Most Wanted Song:

And don’t forget to check out the Most and Least Wanted Paintings by country. (As a scientist, I’m bugged by the methodology–the results are basically meaningless–but it’s loads of fun as an art project.)

thebionicmommy
thebionicmommy
7 years ago

I prefer to get it on to John Denver songs. Colorado Rocky Mountain High indeed.

unknowneric
7 years ago

“Anything and everything by skinny puppy is wonderful and completely impossible to have sex to”

Au contraire, “Dig It” works for sexytimes. On the other hand, Sonic Youth’s “Mildred Pierce” would get really awkward about halfway through…

thekidwiththereplaceablehead

Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Dead Flag Blues

youtu.be/-aLjup934Rk

(Hopefully that will link but not embed.)

We’re trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death

Sexy.

kamilla1960
kamilla1960
7 years ago

Mr. Roosh and his friends know a lot about music, don’t they?

gametime218
gametime218
7 years ago

I couldn’t actually understand what they were singing in “The Trees,” so I looked up the lyrics.

There is unrest in the forest
There is trouble with the trees
For the maples want more sunlight
And the oaks ignore their pleas

The trouble with the maples
(And they’re quite convinced they’re right)
They say the oaks are just too lofty
And they grab up all the light
But the oaks can’t help their feelings
If they like the way they’re made
And they wonder why the maples
Can’t be happy in their shade

There is trouble in the forest
And the creatures all have fled
As the maples scream ‘Oppression!’
And the oaks just shake their heads

So the maples formed a union
And demanded equal rights
‘The oaks are just too greedy
We will make them give us light’
Now there’s no more oak oppression
For they passed a noble law
And the trees are all kept equal
By hatchet, axe and saw

… Ayn Rand by way of Doctor Seuss?

thebionicmommy
thebionicmommy
7 years ago

I laughed about how he hesitated to put a mainstream song on the list. Yes, we are so impressed by you being pretentious, Roosh. Please tell us how our tastes in music aren’t refined enough for someone as sophisticated as you.

Dvärghundspossen
7 years ago

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygi3EDQLs4A THIS is hands down the best sex song ever…

Ms Getta Lode
Ms Getta Lode
7 years ago

The words Throbbing Gristle kind of make me nauseous.

Lisa
Lisa
7 years ago

They have a fucking themesong? Dear Jesus.

cloudiah
7 years ago

I had to stop the Sonseed video because I was laughing so hard. What a weird name for a Christian band. Does it refer to Jesus’ semen? 0_o

Lisa
Lisa
7 years ago

And what about the song about you David? :S http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4G2Pt4HkUOQ#!

cloudiah
7 years ago

Also, all of Roosh’s songs sounded like the music that would play in the background during a “love scene” in a Lifetime movie.

hekatesgal (@hekatesgal)

I read the recommended songs for th’ lurv making and all of those would not put me in the mood for anything but leaving. I suspect Roosh and I have very different ideas of what good sex is. (I do have a recommendation, should you choose Barry White, do not put one of his lesser songs on auto repeat….)

katz
7 years ago

No love for The other MRA theme song?

This is why when I saw the Women of LA song, my initial reaction was just “Wow! Something that wasn’t recorded in a basement with an iphone!”

MKlein
MKlein
7 years ago

Actually, I think if I tried, I could have sex to all of these except numbers 1, 8, and 9. (Even the Jesus one.) (I might have to tune out the lyrics on some of the songs, though.)

MaudeLL
7 years ago

katz –
I took their project as mocking people who determine subjective things based on a pseudo scientific method. Some people think you can model subjectivity or human relations into a “hard science,” and we know how well that goes (hypergamy because mammoths!)

theseventhguest
7 years ago

Does anyone know what happened to Ozy Frantz’s blog? It has gone.

serrana
7 years ago

Does anyone know what happened to Ozy Frantz’s blog? It has gone.

Damn. My blogreader shows that zie made a post just yesterday. The preview looks interesting, too. I hope Ozy’s okay.

Aaliyah
7 years ago

Speaking of Rush, I was sorely disappointed when I found out that 2112 is about a Randian fantasy. X_X

They have a fucking themesong? Dear Jesus.

Also, this.

serrana
7 years ago

theseventhguest, I found this: http://goodmenproject.com/evergreen/im-leaving-the-gmp/

It seems all is well and we just have to wait for hir to get a new blog up.

theseventhguest
7 years ago

@seranna
That post is from December. The blog was on wordpress, but it is redirecting to zir old GMP articles.
Also, you can say “t7g”, I’ll still know it’s for me.

auggziliary
auggziliary
7 years ago

I can’t watch those now… My tummy is sick.
I deserve it though. I got a bottle of those gummy vitamins, for calcium. You’re only supposed to take 2, spaced out in the day, but I sat there and ate at least 14. They were just too delicious.

Nova
Nova
7 years ago

It is quite possible to have sex while listening to Skinny Puppy. The Swans… Not so much.

However, I’m surprised that Leonard Nimoy’s Bilbo Baggins wasn’t included. Nobody can have sex during that song. Nobody.

theseventhguest
7 years ago

@auggziliary
I do that with the children’s chewables. They’re just so yummy! Plus it is the only way I could get my beloved to take a vitamin. Now that we’re on a third shift sleep schedule, I added a vitamin D pill too, since we hate and fear the sun.

aworldanonymous
7 years ago

@Nova, come to think of it I suppose you’re right, dammit this means I have to arrange things so that I go out of my way to lose my virginity at Kinetik.

Also I actually took a look at rooshes list, and just skimming the titles I realized that he has a very boring taste in sex music.

According to my friend, this is the best sexing song:

Mary
7 years ago

Ah, the Unwanted Song is my childhood favorite. My eccentric older brother showed it to me and then I had to make all of my friends listen to it. It was quite an experience, listening to it so many times.
But, man, I did not know that there was actually a song about Men Going Their Own Way.

aworldanonymous
7 years ago

@Aaliyah

I was disappointed when I found out Rush were basically an objectivist band too. Fortunately Neil had an epiphany and basically renounced randian philosophy.

Nepenthe
Nepenthe
7 years ago

@aworldanonymous

Ah, the joys of youth. In time, good sexing songs will have a much slower tempo.

auggziliary
auggziliary
7 years ago

That tree song… Good lord. Ayn Rand X Dr.Seuss?

Aaliyah
7 years ago

Honestly, the idea of having sex while any kind of music is playing sounds horribly awkward to me personally. I’d just laugh out of extreme awkwardness and then ruin the mood. >_>

Ivy Shoots
Ivy Shoots
7 years ago

Showing my age, but I was very fond of Throbbing Gristle 30 years ago. You had to love “Hamburger Lady” to git wit me! 😉

Bob Dole
Bob Dole
7 years ago

Off-topic, but apparently Price has been interviewed by a journalist. Something worth watching out for:http://www.the-spearhead.com/2013/06/08/on-natural-roles/
http://www.the-spearhead.com/2013/06/06/what-does-equality-mean/

leftwingfox
7 years ago

Not a huge fan of Rush, but I love “Cold Fire”. Much easier to identify with the subject of the song than the narrator.

It was just before sunrise
When we started on traditional roles
She said, ‘Sure, I’ll be your partner
But don’t make too many demands’
I said, ‘If love has these conditions
I don’t understand those songs you love’
She said, ‘This is not a love song
This isn’t fantasyland’

serrana
7 years ago

I didn’t realize that , t7g. Now I’m worried again. 🙁

On topic, I think if I tried to listen to Disco Duck while having sex, I’d be laughing too hard to do anything.

I don’t know how sexy this song is, but it’s my newest favorite, and I played it for my husband just before sexytimes last night. I stopped the video just before the very end, though. I thought it was too much of a downer for the mood.

katz
7 years ago

I took their project as mocking people who determine subjective things based on a pseudo scientific method. Some people think you can model subjectivity or human relations into a “hard science,” and we know how well that goes (hypergamy because mammoths!)

Hmm, that makes sense. I’ve always heard it interpreted as just mocking the general public and their taste in art/music, though.

I can’t watch those now… My tummy is sick.
I deserve it though. I got a bottle of those gummy vitamins, for calcium. You’re only supposed to take 2, spaced out in the day, but I sat there and ate at least 14. They were just too delicious.

Obligatory: That is Very Dangerous. T7g in particular, if those vitamins have iron in them (gummies never do, AFAIK), don’t take extras unless you want to end up in the emergency room!

auggziliary
auggziliary
7 years ago

Katz, yeah I am fine now, i wasn’t really thinking when I ate them… Also what is t7g?

leftwingfox
7 years ago

augochlorella: I love it! Reminds me of Symphony Hour…

…which I’d link but after watching on youtube, realized it resorts to a couple cheap racist gags. =P

MaudeLL
7 years ago

Damn you manboobz! I went on Roosh’s website and looked at other articles and a few comments. Rapey! I can’t even bring up their bullshit here, not enough brain bleach can erase that turd.

MaudeLL
7 years ago

I’ve seen the other posts on Roosh here, but I’d never checked the actual website. The weird thing is, I know a few guys who think he’s a moderate PUA who doesn’t sink in misogyny. Again, no rape culture here folks.

serrana
7 years ago

Auggziliary, t7g is what theseventhguest said we could use for short.

I just went and listened to the first 5 of Roosh’s songs – ick. The little bits I played seemed so cheesy. I think if a guy played those for me I’d think he was trying too hard and it would turn me right off. I didn’t read the whole post over there (I’m out of Pepto Bismol atm) but does he really think those songs are sexy himself or does he just think all women will like them?

katz
7 years ago

I’d just have a hard time making love to a song with a strong beat because I’d constantly be unconsciously trying to sync up with it.

cloudiah
7 years ago

I just realized that Roosh essentially made a mixtape for his followers. Isn’t that kind of beta?

Also, this song would be much more likely to put me in the mood than anything on Roosh’s list, though I might insist on having the video playing at the same time:

cloudiah
7 years ago

Another song more likely to put me in the mood than Roosh’s mixtape:

katz
7 years ago

EUROVISIOOOOOOOOOOOON!

…Is that guy playing air guitar on a trumpet?

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