Roosh’s Return of Kings blog recently posted a list of “7 Brilliant Songs To Make Love To,” to help all the would-be Romeos (and possible rapists) who read his blog to more easily manipulate drunk women into bed.
I would like to provide a somewhat more whimsical service to readers here of all genders. So here are 9 Amazing Songs That It Is Probably Impossible To Have Sex To (Unless You Have Them Playing At Extremely Low Volume).
1) Joe Meek: Original demo version of Telstar. Joe Meek was a brilliant if eccentric British producer who was unfortunately not such a brilliant singer. Here he sings — in a rather jarringly off-key manner — the melody to what became the massive hit “Telstar.” Luckily his studio musicians were able to figure out what he was getting at. For the much improved final product, listen here.
2) Unknown Band: Cocaine It’s impossible not to stare and listen in horror at the train wreck that is this cover version of Cocaine, and staring in horror is not generally conducive to sweet, sweet lovemaking. Plus, I’m guessing at least one of these dudes is a Men’s Rights Activist.
3) Boxxy: You See (Extended Version) It’s the famously and deliberately irritating Internet meme girl Boxxy, only she’s been autotuned into something even more irritating. And this is the Extended Version.
3.1) Boxxy: Boxxy’s love song Oh wait, this one’s even worse.
4) brokeNCYDE: Freaxxx This emo-screamo mess might put you off sex, and music, forever.
5) Throbbing Gristle – Live in Sheffield – University (10 June 1980) If you really want to spoil the mood, 57 minutes of Throbbing Gristle live will certainly do the trick.
6) Rush: The Trees An Ayn-Randian parable on the wonders of the free market, with the main characters in the story being DIFFERENT SPECIES OF TREES. And it’s sung by Geddy Lee. Captain Awkward considers this the ultimate Sex Kryptonite song.
7) Sonseed: Jesus is My Friend Christian ska, by some people who really have no business playing ska at all. So, obviously, no sex will ever be happening to this song.
8) Jade Michael and the FTSU Crew: Go My Own Way A Men’s Rights classic! MRAs will be too busy “going their own way” to have sex to this, while the rest of us will be laughing too hard.
9) Rick Dees: Disco Duck On second thought, I think it might actually be possible to have sex to this song. Possibly even awesome sex.
Other suggestion: “I wish I could vomit blood on you… people” by Anaal Nathrakh, or indeed anything by the same band. It is 3 minutes of deliberately unpleasant noise designed to punish people for liking the band.
I suggest Dave Soldier’s most unwanted song.
He conducted a survey to know what people thought the worst genre/lyrics/style of music would be, and if I remember well, the result was a Western opera-rap about Labour Day.
http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=9fCtDO7OcRM
I can’t help noticing that Roosh doesn’t seem to have much to say about the songs. Every song just has a one-sentence description that’s like “This whole album is awesome but this song is the best.”
PS the band playing Cocaine is called Hush.
Anything and everything by skinny puppy is wonderful and completely impossible to have sex to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUCatOT1D-Q
I may have posted this before, but I think this is a more appropriate A Voice for Men theme.
… You could maybe have sex to it.
Maude: The Most Unwanted Song is truly amazing. Here’s the Most Wanted Song:
And don’t forget to check out the Most and Least Wanted Paintings by country. (As a scientist, I’m bugged by the methodology–the results are basically meaningless–but it’s loads of fun as an art project.)
I prefer to get it on to John Denver songs. Colorado Rocky Mountain High indeed.
“Anything and everything by skinny puppy is wonderful and completely impossible to have sex to”
Au contraire, “Dig It” works for sexytimes. On the other hand, Sonic Youth’s “Mildred Pierce” would get really awkward about halfway through…
Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Dead Flag Blues
youtu.be/-aLjup934Rk
(Hopefully that will link but not embed.)
We’re trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death
Sexy.
Mr. Roosh and his friends know a lot about music, don’t they?
I couldn’t actually understand what they were singing in “The Trees,” so I looked up the lyrics.
… Ayn Rand by way of Doctor Seuss?
I laughed about how he hesitated to put a mainstream song on the list. Yes, we are so impressed by you being pretentious, Roosh. Please tell us how our tastes in music aren’t refined enough for someone as sophisticated as you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygi3EDQLs4A THIS is hands down the best sex song ever…
The words Throbbing Gristle kind of make me nauseous.
They have a fucking themesong? Dear Jesus.
I had to stop the Sonseed video because I was laughing so hard. What a weird name for a Christian band. Does it refer to Jesus’ semen? 0_o
And what about the song about you David? :S http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4G2Pt4HkUOQ#!
Also, all of Roosh’s songs sounded like the music that would play in the background during a “love scene” in a Lifetime movie.
I read the recommended songs for th’ lurv making and all of those would not put me in the mood for anything but leaving. I suspect Roosh and I have very different ideas of what good sex is. (I do have a recommendation, should you choose Barry White, do not put one of his lesser songs on auto repeat….)
No love for The other MRA theme song?
This is why when I saw the Women of LA song, my initial reaction was just “Wow! Something that wasn’t recorded in a basement with an iphone!”
Actually, I think if I tried, I could have sex to all of these except numbers 1, 8, and 9. (Even the Jesus one.) (I might have to tune out the lyrics on some of the songs, though.)
katz –
I took their project as mocking people who determine subjective things based on a pseudo scientific method. Some people think you can model subjectivity or human relations into a “hard science,” and we know how well that goes (hypergamy because mammoths!)
Does anyone know what happened to Ozy Frantz’s blog? It has gone.
Damn. My blogreader shows that zie made a post just yesterday. The preview looks interesting, too. I hope Ozy’s okay.
Speaking of Rush, I was sorely disappointed when I found out that 2112 is about a Randian fantasy. X_X
Also, this.