Roosh’s Return of Kings blog recently posted a list of “7 Brilliant Songs To Make Love To,” to help all the would-be Romeos (and possible rapists) who read his blog to more easily manipulate drunk women into bed.
I would like to provide a somewhat more whimsical service to readers here of all genders. So here are 9 Amazing Songs That It Is Probably Impossible To Have Sex To (Unless You Have Them Playing At Extremely Low Volume).
1) Joe Meek: Original demo version of Telstar. Joe Meek was a brilliant if eccentric British producer who was unfortunately not such a brilliant singer. Here he sings — in a rather jarringly off-key manner — the melody to what became the massive hit “Telstar.” Luckily his studio musicians were able to figure out what he was getting at. For the much improved final product, listen here.
2) Unknown Band: Cocaine It’s impossible not to stare and listen in horror at the train wreck that is this cover version of Cocaine, and staring in horror is not generally conducive to sweet, sweet lovemaking. Plus, I’m guessing at least one of these dudes is a Men’s Rights Activist.
3) Boxxy: You See (Extended Version) It’s the famously and deliberately irritating Internet meme girl Boxxy, only she’s been autotuned into something even more irritating. And this is the Extended Version.
3.1) Boxxy: Boxxy’s love song Oh wait, this one’s even worse.
4) brokeNCYDE: Freaxxx This emo-screamo mess might put you off sex, and music, forever.
5) Throbbing Gristle – Live in Sheffield – University (10 June 1980) If you really want to spoil the mood, 57 minutes of Throbbing Gristle live will certainly do the trick.
6) Rush: The Trees An Ayn-Randian parable on the wonders of the free market, with the main characters in the story being DIFFERENT SPECIES OF TREES. And it’s sung by Geddy Lee. Captain Awkward considers this the ultimate Sex Kryptonite song.
7) Sonseed: Jesus is My Friend Christian ska, by some people who really have no business playing ska at all. So, obviously, no sex will ever be happening to this song.
8) Jade Michael and the FTSU Crew: Go My Own Way A Men’s Rights classic! MRAs will be too busy “going their own way” to have sex to this, while the rest of us will be laughing too hard.
9) Rick Dees: Disco Duck On second thought, I think it might actually be possible to have sex to this song. Possibly even awesome sex.
As I was reading the latest Pierre, a song about Pierre the Pirate came about! Well, well, Alexander Balanescu is great, I tell you. “Maria T” is lovely.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=g7XGV258YOc
I will never forgive you, David, for forcing me to remember Disco Duck.
NEVER.
Necro!
I bought Sleater-Kinney’s final (’05) album, “The Woods”, in Lawrence, Kansas, and have been listening to it while driving cross country. The song “Let’s Call It Love” is sexy as hell, but I think Roosh et al. would hate it, so I’m going to post it here.
My dear, look at my face, I’ve been waiting for you in the same old place.
I’ve got a long time for love.
Jewels could spill from my cup.
But it’s all locked down, and I’m all locked up.
I’ve got a long time for love.
A woman is not a girl.
I could show you a thing or two.
I’ve got a long time for love.
Come on let’s go to the mat.
Hit the floor honey, let’s battle it out.
I’ve got a long time for love.
Lawrence is cool as hell btw. Weird liberal college town in the middle of Kansas. DID YOU KNOW that Bill S. Burroughs lived there for a while? That it was founded by free-soil abolitionists and was sacked and burned to the ground by slave-state militias? NOW YOU DO!