Hey fellas! While we’re talking about the evils of the Friend Zone and possible legal sanctions against the women who so often and so maliciously put us there — and while the women are distracted by that picture of Scrooge McDuck above — I’d like to warn you of another kind of Friend Zone you need to be wary of: the “Repair Friend” Zone.
I learned of this danger from none other than Warren Farrell himself, in the pages of his book Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say (which amazingly does not have the subtitle “But It’s Not Like Angry Dudes On The Internet Are Going to Shut Up Any Time Soon”).
Here’s how old Warren explains it, perhaps exaggerating the innocence of the wily female Repair-Friend Zoners:
Single moms who rely on male friends for repairs — “he’s just a repair friend” — are often unaware that the man really isn’t sacrificing his Sunday afternoon in exchange for a Sunday night dinner. The truth is, if he’s making that type of sacrifice, it’s usually because he’s interested in her.
That’s right, ladies! Men never actually want to be just friends with you. Never. And when they act friendly, it’s just because they want to [insert weird creepy Warren Farrellesque euphemism for sex here]. Only instead of making a move on you they’d rather make a move on your car, and just sort of hope you’ll get the hint.
I’ve seen many single moms who have men who they claim are “just friends” work on their cars, do repairs, help them move. They think nothing of it. (Which says it all.) When she starts dating someone seriously, the “repair friend” feels hurt and her new boyfriend feels suspicious. And Mom feels caught between a rock and a hard place, so to speak.
Is Farrell making some sort of awkward boner joke here?
Anyway, for Farrell, this is somehow all the fault of women, and feminism, or misandry, or something.
This attitude rests on a deeper foundation. Just as women who are poor turn to the government as a substitute husband (in the form of welfare and AFDC payments), so women without husbands often unconsciously turn to substitute husbands, such as dads, “repair friends,”and male neighbors.
So, fellas, be careful out there. One moment you’ll be chatting casually over the fence with the former Mrs. Jones, and the next thing you know you’ll be in her basement buried deep in her washing machine trying to fix, I dunno, whatever is inside of washing machines that might need fixing, I’m not really very mechanical.
Come to think of it a female friend of mine had me change a light bulb the other day that she couldn’t reach. Granted, I don’t want to have sex with her, and also she’s fixed my bike on several occasions and sometimes brings me cake, but, still, I think I may have just been Light Bulb Friend Zoned.
@budmin
Where does this happen? Because…yeah I’m not seeing it.
@Fade
I can totally relate. My brother is like “I gave you some driving practice; now go do the laundry for me!” It gets old pretty quickly, especially when he’s really pushy. >_>
Have you heard of any major religion, like, ever?
Also, how are women supposed to know if they are “parasites” when men offer to help? Maybe some men actually are decent people who like helping their friends?
Because… more men whine on the internet that “DAMN THAT SKANKBITCHHO DIDN”T SLEEP WITH ME AFTER I FIXED HER CAR” than women whine “DAMN THAT MAN DIDN’T FIX MY CAR AFTER I COMPLIMENTED HIS BICEPS”.
I mean… assuming what you’re saying exists outside of misogynistic fantasy land, i don’t think softening people up with compliments is a necessarily female trait. You’re just creating a binary that doesn’t exist.
Also “repair friend” whining is on topic, if you’ll read the title. (i’m frankly amazed that we’re semi on topic). What about the imaginary women who compliment someone is not.
Also, here’s something that most misogynists don’t notice: In the binary you created, the men are feeling entitled to the women’s BODIES. You didn’t really provide an example of the women feeling entitled to men’s bodies, and I can’t tell if you mean they compliment someone to sleep with them or to get them to do a small favor. B/c one of those things is much more creepy than the other
Haha women telling friends things that make them feel good about themselves is, apparently, the vilest misandry.
Aww 🙁 that does sound annoying. Hope he figures out not to do it soon. X|
Though either you misread or i mistyped my post, b/c my brother never normally tries to do that, what i was saying was that it would be annoying if he did do it, like the “repair friend” guys up here.
Okay, the only problem here is the idea that parasitism is solely a female trait. Some people (and sure, some of these people are gonna be women) like to use other people to further their own needs, seeing other people only as tools for them to use. These people are referred to, in the common parlance, as assholes.
Some people (and sure, plenty of these folks, though nowhere near all of them, will be men) like to help others. And I think we can agree that it’s wrong to take advantage of people.
No one here suggests that manipulating people is totally awesome. Plenty of folks, including lots of people here, will agree that anyone who uses some strategy (whether flattery and the completely illusory promise of sexual favors or some implied obligation to be polite or repay a debt) to manipulate other people into doing things for them is basically an asshole.
Why is it so important to you to insist that women are the only ones doing this and men are the only victims? Assholish behavior is not a gender-specific trait.
I evidently have to never compliment people again. Hear that Marie? From now on, all the pictures you draw are CRUD!!! Because if I tell you they look nice, it’s just to get something out of you. Probably drawing lessons.
/we draw together a lot.
@budmin
Think of it this way. Imagine a man saying “I’ll fix your shower if you’ll have sex with me.”
Now imagine a woman saying “If you fix my shower, I’ll be grateful and tell everyone how awesome, talented, and helpful, you are.”
The former is a creepy as fuck proposition that is illegal in 49 states. The latter is a friendly exchange. Making these things unspoken does not change the creep differential.
These things, they are not equivalent.
This.
Ah, I guess I did misread your post. =P
Completely.
And, while we’re on the subject, let’s not overlook the reciprocal factor here. This is kinda like the “playing hard to get” scenarios that seem to keep popping up on other threads. If someone feels that they are constantly being taken advantage of for their mechanical aptitude or cooking ability or gardening skill or computer experience or whatever, they do always have the ability to say no. It’s super easy, even my 2 year old nephew can manage it…
@budmin:
Hm. So, when a female colleague says, “hey, Bob Goblin, you’re taller than me. Can you help me reach that box on the top shelf there?”…
where is the flattery and ego-stroking? Oh that’s right, there is none. Because most men don’t require flattery and ego-stroking to help out others with tasks they’re qualified for. Most of us are just neighborly that way. It’s how communities do things.
“Sorry Bro, women are not machines that you put kindness coins in until sex falls out.”
by Caitlin O’Donnell from this
http://timesdelphic.com/2013/04/24/why-society-still-needs-feminism
My sympathies, as always!
I lucked into this situation where my housemate does my laundry, and it’s totally not creepy at all. It’s his house, and late last year he bought this brand new, super fancy washer and dryer, and he spent a week (I am not kidding, or exaggerating even a little bit) figuring out the perfect heat, agitation and time settings for every kind of clothing, to get the best balance of efficiency and effectiveness.
He made a spreadsheet and everything. XD
So now he does all the laundry (including walking it down to the basement and bringing the clean and dry clothes back upstairs) and in exchange I fold (almost) everything and leave it in piles on the dining room table.
And, weirdly, both of us seem to feel that we’ve got the better end of this deal.
@Ugh
I betcha that guy will be fixing a lot of showers pro bono…
@budmin
Ikr? True story: the minute someone else reveals you have a skill you must demonstrate that skill for everyone.
That is exactly why when my mom showed our chiropractor pics of cakes we made, our chiropractor immediately demanded us make her a cake!
oh wait that didn’t happen
And the problem is… what exactly? If he’s happy to do it, what harm does it do to you? Is every guy who does a favor for a friend automatically being taken advantage of if he doesn’t get sex for it? Maybe you never want to do anything without being compensated for it, but why does everyone else have to feel the same way as you do?
The other side of Farrell’s ranting is that he’s treating people who want to help other folks out as dupes and terrible victims instead of just taking for granted that they have the ability to decide for themselves whether they want to do favors for someone or not.
In other news, scientists <a href="http://blogs.smithsonianmag.com/smartnews/2013/01/scientists-dont-quite-know-how-this-cat-managed-her-200-mile-trek-home/"admit that cats are pretty amazing.
Although, apparently today my html skills are not.
Let’s try that again, shall we?
@gillyrosebee _”The other side of Farrell’s ranting is that he’s treating people who want to help other folks out as dupes and terrible victims instead of just taking for granted that they have the ability to decide for themselves whether they want to do favors for someone or not.,”
…Because they’ll become human dish rags…
Look, Gillyrosebee why am I getting the impression that you’re kinda’ pretty and for some strange reason your room mate doesn’t mind if you don’t always have the rent money..
Just wondering…
I don’t know… but I have a feeling the answer lies in that big ass grindstone in your hand. Nice ax, btw, very sharp.
@Budmin
I think you get that impression because you’re a misogynistic asshole, and every time (many, many times) something contradicts your world view you make up a reason that fits nicely with your confirmation bias.
Just a thought though.
See, budmin, the problem is you think you’ve successfully proved that volunatarily doing favors for someone is turning you into a human dish rag, but no one else thinks that.
When my lady friend helped me fix my car (cause she is a mechanic) does that mean she was interested in me!! Oh, nos I repair friended her! Evil feminist woman evil.
Now off to make some sushi.