Hey fellas! While we’re talking about the evils of the Friend Zone and possible legal sanctions against the women who so often and so maliciously put us there — and while the women are distracted by that picture of Scrooge McDuck above — I’d like to warn you of another kind of Friend Zone you need to be wary of: the “Repair Friend” Zone.
I learned of this danger from none other than Warren Farrell himself, in the pages of his book Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say (which amazingly does not have the subtitle “But It’s Not Like Angry Dudes On The Internet Are Going to Shut Up Any Time Soon”).
Here’s how old Warren explains it, perhaps exaggerating the innocence of the wily female Repair-Friend Zoners:
Single moms who rely on male friends for repairs — “he’s just a repair friend” — are often unaware that the man really isn’t sacrificing his Sunday afternoon in exchange for a Sunday night dinner. The truth is, if he’s making that type of sacrifice, it’s usually because he’s interested in her.
That’s right, ladies! Men never actually want to be just friends with you. Never. And when they act friendly, it’s just because they want to [insert weird creepy Warren Farrellesque euphemism for sex here]. Only instead of making a move on you they’d rather make a move on your car, and just sort of hope you’ll get the hint.
I’ve seen many single moms who have men who they claim are “just friends” work on their cars, do repairs, help them move. They think nothing of it. (Which says it all.) When she starts dating someone seriously, the “repair friend” feels hurt and her new boyfriend feels suspicious. And Mom feels caught between a rock and a hard place, so to speak.
Is Farrell making some sort of awkward boner joke here?
Anyway, for Farrell, this is somehow all the fault of women, and feminism, or misandry, or something.
This attitude rests on a deeper foundation. Just as women who are poor turn to the government as a substitute husband (in the form of welfare and AFDC payments), so women without husbands often unconsciously turn to substitute husbands, such as dads, “repair friends,”and male neighbors.
So, fellas, be careful out there. One moment you’ll be chatting casually over the fence with the former Mrs. Jones, and the next thing you know you’ll be in her basement buried deep in her washing machine trying to fix, I dunno, whatever is inside of washing machines that might need fixing, I’m not really very mechanical.
Come to think of it a female friend of mine had me change a light bulb the other day that she couldn’t reach. Granted, I don’t want to have sex with her, and also she’s fixed my bike on several occasions and sometimes brings me cake, but, still, I think I may have just been Light Bulb Friend Zoned.
What does Warren Farrell think of women who have helped their male friends move? ‘Cause I’ve done that. It’s okay with me that we didn’t sleep together.
Yep, German Shepherd Dog. She’s of working lines, so she’s fairly wolf-like in her built, she doesn’t have these exaggeratedly bent hind legs and top side you see in the show lines. And she’s all black with one grey paw and two white spots on her chest – super cute! 🙂
And no, the guy was like 20-21. Okay, he may not precisely have screamed LET ME LET ME LET ME – but it wasn’t far from.
Well I figured you were paraphrasing.
@Falconer: Such adorable babies! Babies are like dogs in that they’re easiest to photograph when they’re asleep. 🙂
This is why we need a men’s rights movement. There are marginalized groups that have to face unequal work pay and systematic discrimination, but who cares when there are men who repair things for women, and then don’t get sex afterwards.
You’re doing God’s work, Warren.
Regarding friendzone in general, I think I’m, uh, “friendzoned” two guys when I was younger, in the stupid terminology of MRA:s.
1. Another guy in the same dorm as me when I was nineteen and had recently enrolled at university and moved away from home (i e not the bike mechanic). I thought we were just friends at first, and then I sort of got the vibes that he was in love with me, but I wasn’t interested. I had NO IDEA how to handle that situation. I was just coming to grips with the fact that people in the big city thought of me more as “cool attractive goth chick” rather than “mentally ill freak” (and I had sort of looked up and learnt what “goth” even meant after people started referring to me as “goth”, and I was like “okay, it’s a subculture, I could be a goth, I’ll just roll with it, better than freak”). So I was sort of… a bit freaked out and didn’t know what to do. Therefore did nothing. Eventually this guy got his own apartment, but still hadn’t said anything about his feelings, it was just that I got these vibes from him when we met. Then one day one of his friends started pumping me on information on how I felt about him, and I just blurted out “I KNOW he’s in love with me, but I’m sorry, I’m not in love with him SORRY!”. His friend was like “okay”.
Next day, this guy left the LONGEST message on my answering machine where he went on and on and on about how sad he was that I didn’t return his feelings, since he’d even gone on a diet and lost some weight merely in order to make himself more attractive to me. It was the most embarrassing thing EVER and I didn’t even manage to listen to the like fifteen-minutes-long message to the end. Just hung up half-way through and never spoke to the guy again.
2. When I was twenty-two I was at an art school. This guy in my class started hanging around me and just being… weird, and I sort of got the vibes again, but didn’t know what to do about it. He started painting un-called-for by class assignments FEELINGS ART and present it to me like “look at this picture, what do you think about it?” while holding an oil painting he’d made of me while I was painting something else and not aware of being his model. I was like “uhm, nice I guess?”.
Then at a party, he went up to one of my boyfriends (since at that time I was in a poly relationship with two guys) and ASKED HIM if he could be boyfriend number three. My boyfriend were like “seriously dude, you gotta ask Dvärghundspossen about that, not me”. He never asked me.
SO FAR from the MRA idea of “friendzoning” being something women do because they ENJOY it.
Who would have thought when I helped the short woman at the liquor store get the six pack of Bell’s from the top shelf the other day that I was actually angling for a sexual transaction, and that she owed me sex! DAMN BEING A REPAIR FRIEND!
It still surprises me how often men who expect sex as currency get buttmad when a woman wants or accepts their help. Like, if the only thing that makes a woman’s time with you worth your while is if she follows up with sex, how can you get pissed off that they’re supposedly “using” you for your handyman skills if you’re essentially using her for sex?
Oh no! Whenever my husband mows the lawn he also mows for the women who live in the duplex next door. You don’t think he wants to mow mare than their lawns, do you?
I wonder, does this system work on points? Like, is fixing a car worth more than changing a light bulb? And do particular sex acts cost different amounts of points?
I think I’m gonna need to keep a log book for all of this.
Oh, and also, I had another dorm neighbour who’d complain that I’d do everything myself instead of asking him for help with, like, opening jars and stuff. I was like “but I CAN do these things myself; are you saying that I ought to feign helplessness in order to make you feel more manly? That would feel really stupid!” and he was like “but now I feel stupid watching you do things on your own!”.
I realize typing all these posts that there were SOME weird guys in my dorm.
Anyway: Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. If you accept help from men you’re just abusing them as “repair friends” (and you might also get your bike tires broken), but if you don’t accept help from men you’re making them feel stupid and unmanly.
Yesterday I asked a group of coworkers if one of them was tall enough to reach a box that had been pushed to the back of a high shelf. The one man who was on that shift got it for me. Do I now owe him sex, even though he’s gay?
Also, I have a huge crush on a male friend, but my partner and I are currently monogamous. When said friend helps us move next month*, does my partner have to let me sleep with him? 😛
*Partner and I are getting our first place by ourselves, and we found the cutest little apartment in a great neighborhood. We’re so psyched!
@Emilygoddess:
1. Yes, you have to sleep with these men. Or maybe just give them handjobs. It depends. Bob Goblin will soon be able to tell you, after he’s made some more research on “helping points” vs “sex points”.
2. Congratulations!
A few months back I was late for the bus and the driver saw me running and stopped (not at an actual bus stop) so I could catch up. Was I supposed to offer to sex him up right there and then, or ride around on the bus for however long it took for him to get a break?
My city council will hear about this! This kind of unregulated, rogue Repair Friend Zoning will not stand. There will be legal penalties, not to mention calls to police about the inevitable noise disturbances.
Tangentially, I was listening to Fresh Air the other day and Terry Gross was talking to some film maker about a scene in one of his movies where two people go on a date, get back to the apartment, and decide to be roommates instead of having sex. The interview moved on to this discussion about how millenials have more ambiguous relationships in general and are more likely to have platonic male/female friendships… I was wondering whether that’s true. I’ve definitely wound up being platonic friends and even roommates with people I was initially trying to have sexy times with, and it’s always been cool with me, but I never thought it was a generational thing.
Funny, this kind of reminds me of the advice my father gave me before I left for college:
“Beware of friendly men who aren’t obviously demonstrating romantic interest. If they are just friendly, it’s because they’re trying to get you to feed them for free.”
@Falconer, Yay, babies! They’re cutest when they’re sleeping 🙂
@emilygoddess, Yay, new place with partner!
One time when my husband was out of town, I got a flat tire. The lug nuts were on really tight and I’m not strong so I called a male friend who lived a few blocks over to help. I guess I should call him up now to apologize for not having sex with him that night.
But really, this is stupid.
Light bulb friend zoned! David got played!
Of course, he should have followed the Roissy manual of seduction, and burp in her face when she asked him to replace it (you know what I’m talking about, ladies! 😉 ).
I always wonder if these guys see all their relationships as transactional and are just vocal about those damn wimmins denying them sex, or if it’s just their relationships with women they are attracted to.
By the way, does anyone have access to a breakdown of welfare recipients? I found a lot of academic papers arguing that the gender/welfare association was erroneous, but I can’t find clear data. (I did find some interesting papers analyzing the hatred of black women on welfare though, the racist arguments are staggering)
I don’t give a shit if there are more women than men on welfare, but I’d like to dig further in the “women want government to be their provider” bullshit.
Given all the noise veterans have been making in the past few months to receive their benefits from the VA, I’m surprised we’re not hearing AVfM decrying the whiny veterans replacing their need for a man officer provider with the government. Oh right, men by definition cannot possibly want a daddy government. When a man receives benefits, it’s because he legitimately needs help. When a women does, it’s because she is a woman-child who has been cock carrouselling and now is a decrepit 27 year old hag, so she whines at the government for “help”. She probably hates men too.
I think I’m starting to get it now.
So…I fixed everything at both appartments I rented with guys. Pipes, toilet, wiring, siding, plaster…. What do I get in exchange?
Really Warren, what’s next? I stare at you so now you owe me sex? I bet.
Oh dear, this sheds new light on everything. There’s a new surgeon at my work and the other day I had to help him with the computer. But I’m female and he’s male? In this situation, does he owe me sex, or does Warren Farrell’s head explode?
@emilygoddess
Now that you have met your provider, you are supposed to cut yourself off from all social contact, except for minimal communication with female workers at the grocery store and possibly the laundromat.
When you have an interaction with a man, you are giving them subliminal sexual consent, and an alpha provider would not tolerate so much whore-itude.
(Commenting on a blog is giving sexual consent! My comments are just a trick to lead David on to keep writing free blog posts, when I have no intentions of having sex with him! My plan is flawless.)