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antifeminism evil single moms friend zone friend zoning I'm totally being sarcastic misogyny MRA patronizing as heck the myth of warren farrell

Warren Farrell warns fellas to watch out for the “Repair Friend” Zone

Ladies! Look only at the picture of this sexy, sexy Alpha duck and do not read the post below.
Ladies! Look only at the picture of this sexy Alpha duck and do not read the post below.

Hey fellas! While we’re talking about the evils of the Friend Zone and possible legal sanctions against the women who so often and so maliciously put us there — and while the women are distracted by that picture of Scrooge McDuck above — I’d like to warn you of another kind of Friend Zone you need to be wary of: the “Repair Friend” Zone.

I learned of this danger from none other than Warren Farrell himself, in the pages of his book Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say (which amazingly does not have the subtitle “But It’s Not Like Angry Dudes On The Internet Are Going to Shut Up Any Time Soon”).

Here’s how old Warren explains it, perhaps exaggerating the innocence of the wily female Repair-Friend Zoners:

Single moms who rely on male friends for repairs — “he’s just a repair friend” — are often unaware that the man really isn’t sacrificing his Sunday afternoon in exchange for a Sunday night dinner. The truth is, if he’s making that type of sacrifice, it’s usually because he’s interested in her.

That’s right, ladies! Men never actually want to be just friends with you. Never. And when they act friendly, it’s just because they want to [insert weird creepy Warren Farrellesque euphemism for sex here]. Only instead of making a move on you they’d rather make a move on your car, and just sort of hope you’ll get the hint.

I’ve seen many single moms who have men who they claim are “just friends” work on their cars, do repairs, help them move. They think nothing of it. (Which says it all.) When she starts dating someone seriously, the “repair friend” feels hurt and her new boyfriend feels suspicious. And Mom feels caught between a rock and a hard place, so to speak.

Is Farrell making some sort of awkward boner joke here?

Anyway, for Farrell, this is somehow all the fault of women, and feminism, or misandry, or something.

This attitude rests on a deeper foundation. Just as women who are poor turn to the government as a substitute husband (in the form of welfare and AFDC payments), so women without husbands often unconsciously turn to substitute husbands, such as dads, “repair friends,”and male neighbors.

So, fellas, be careful out there. One moment you’ll be chatting casually over the fence with the former Mrs. Jones, and the next thing you know you’ll be in her basement buried deep in her washing machine trying to fix, I dunno, whatever is inside of washing machines that might need fixing, I’m not really very mechanical.

Come to think of it a female friend of mine had me change a light bulb the other day that she couldn’t reach. Granted, I don’t want to have sex with her, and also she’s fixed my bike on several occasions and sometimes brings me cake, but, still, I think I may have just been Light Bulb Friend Zoned.

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Kittehserf
8 years ago

“And yet they’re the ones who think that enthusiastic consent means making life dull and lifeless.”

Because it would mean they never have sex again, and have no inner resources for any other joy in life?

athywren
athywren
8 years ago

I can’t open my car door? DAMN SOCIALISM!
I can’t work out how to talk to someone around a campfire? Damn you, Capitalism!
I can’t remember how to do calculus integration? Curse you, Anarchism!
I can’t tie down a tent in a storm? A pox on you, Nihilism!
I can’t instantly have an orgasm inside some willing meat puppet? Fie and foo and fish, Veganism!

To misquote Charlie’s Angels (the flim, not the tv series upon which the film was based), “DAAAMN YOOOU SALAD BAAAAAR!!”

budmin and The Warrell think that’s unfair to men

What I think is unfair to men is denying them the right to have fulfilling relationships with women that don’t revolve around sex or sammiches. Don’t get me wrong, I like sex and sammiches, but I can live without sex, and man cannot live on sammich alone, but friendship is far more pleasurable when comparing averages over significant time periods.

@athywren Thank you.

Uh huh? For what?

Aaliyah
8 years ago

“And yet they’re the ones who think that enthusiastic consent means making life dull and lifeless.”

Because it would mean they never have sex again, and have no inner resources for any other joy in life?

That, and because “NOW WE NEED A CONTRACT BEFORE HAVING SEX” and so on. >____>

Marie
Marie
8 years ago

@kittehs

Marie – I had fun making that Cat Anger Consequences pic the other night, when we were talking about it on whichever thread it was. When athywren brought up “burning eyes” I had to use it! 😀

You made it? ::is impressed::

athywren
athywren
8 years ago

And yet they’re the ones who think that enthusiastic consent means making life dull and lifeless.

This was the first related topic my MRA friend brought up with me, the first thing he said that made me question his rationality on the topic of feminism. He characterised it as turning passionate hookups into stale business agreements, devoid of any spontaneity… sign on the dotted line, initial here. Bleh. How do they get such a backward view of it?

Kittehserf
8 years ago

“Bleh. How do they get such a backward view of it?”

Because they have to bend around so far to get their heads up their arses?

It says something that he doesn’t get how passionate spontaneity and enthusiastic consent kinda sorta go together. Or that someone (of any gender! Imagine that!) can change their mind and want to stop, or simply not want to do a particular thing, and the other person has to stop. Because that’s what decent people do.

“You made it? ::is impressed::”

Aww, thank you! It wasn’t anything fancy, just pinching the pic of the Net and adding the caption. The fiery eyes of Cat Anger were already like that. 🙂

proudfootz
proudfootz
8 years ago

It seems Ayn Rand was a bit of a ‘moocher’ in Objectivist parlance:

In 2011, news broke that notorious libertarian/objectivist Ayn Rand had accepted Social Security and Medicare in the 1970s after she was diagnosed with lung cancer (unsurprisingly she was a cigarette-cancer connection denier). Among liberal circles, a lot of attention was paid to the hypocrisy angle of all this (and much more to taking SS cheques than enrolling in Medicare). A person who spent her life railing against collectivism and dependency accepting the benefits of the very programs her beliefs called “evil.”

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/08/16/1121029/-If-Ayn-Needed-Medicare-How-Can-We-Do-Without

Another tin god with feet of clay…

Viscaria
Viscaria
8 years ago

“But the sex might not be as fun,” much like “but I might not get laid as often,” is both untrue and totally irrelevant to the importance of consent. If you actually believe that possibly raping someone is preferable to maybe having less exciting sex you should not be having sex with anyone ever.

Kittehserf
8 years ago

@Viscaria – and if they think that sex with someone who doesn’t want it is more exciting than knowing that person really does (which seems a real implication here) then they’re really wannabe rapists, whether they use the term in their maggotty little brains or not.

Marie
Marie
8 years ago

@Kittehs

Aww, thank you! It wasn’t anything fancy, just pinching the pic of the Net and adding the caption. The fiery eyes of Cat Anger were already like that. 🙂

And what fiery eyes they were! 😀

Kittehserf
8 years ago

Plus – what’s the bet this comes back to their resentment at having to have a conversation with a woman at all? Not just to talk to her (they’re fond enough of talking at us or over us, goodness knows) but listening to her. Yeah, that’s not something they want to have to do at any time, let alone when it means they might not get to do exactly what they want to her sexually. (“Do to” rather than “do with” is a deliberate choice of words here.)

Kittehserf
8 years ago

“And what fiery eyes they were! ”

LOL weren’t they just! Perfect for Cat Anger.

Athywren
Athywren
8 years ago

Because they have to bend around so far to get their heads up their arses?

That explains a lot, actually…

It says something that he doesn’t get how passionate spontaneity and enthusiastic consent kinda sorta go together. Or that someone (of any gender! Imagine that!)

Whaaaat? I thought we were feminazis? Hail women! Stone men! All that kind of stuff? …So we’re supposed to be egalitarian, huh? Damn. I guess I’d better clear out the dungeon then.

can change their mind and want to stop, or simply not want to do a particular thing, and the other person has to stop. Because that’s what decent people do.

Hey, even if they’re not a decent person, surely the twin thoughts of, “I want to have more sex with this person,” and, “if I ignore their wishes and continue having sex with them without their consent, I probably won’t be allowed any more sex with this person,” would serve to make them stop?

Kittehserf
8 years ago

Whaaaat? I thought we were feminazis? Hail women! Stone men! All that kind of stuff?

::dings self on head::

Damn, my hivemind chip musta come loose again.

Hey, even if they’re not a decent person, surely the twin thoughts of, “I want to have more sex with this person,” and, “if I ignore their wishes and continue having sex with them without their consent, I probably won’t be allowed any more sex with this person,” would serve to make them stop?

Does the “I won’t be allowed” bit register with them? Or would they admit it if it did – these are the “has erection = must orgasm inside someone, it is physically impossible to think or stop” excuse creeps after all.

Aaliyah
8 years ago

I always find strange that MRAs, PUAs, MGTOWs, etc. get angry at the idea of enthusiastic consent simply because sometimes people say no when they really mean yes. They’re effectively helping feminists by saying “Look, here’s an instance of ambiguity!” Unfortunately, they also bring with that message the idea that erring on the side of caution is a bad thing.

Kittehserf
8 years ago

Their basic premise seems to be that women are never allowed to say no to them. (We’re required to say no and mean it with every other man, of course, and anything non-heterosexual-binary doesn’t count, ‘cos that only exists to turn men on.) No means yes and yes means yes, though it also means you’re a slut. Complete access and the ability to blame whatever the situation is what they want.

Athywren
Athywren
8 years ago

Does the “I won’t be allowed” bit register with them? Or would they admit it if it did – these are the “has erection = must orgasm inside someone, it is physically impossible to think or stop” excuse creeps after all.

Dafuq? I mean… I get that I’m not like them (I’m pretty sure being neutral makes me a great big pussy beta, or even a gamma) but I’ve never found that erections affected my thought process. Comfort process? Yeah, but not thought. Why do they want to make out that they’re mindless animals?

Kittehserf
8 years ago

WTF is going on with WordPress? That’s twice I’ve tried to answer and it’s eaten my post. Nothing about moderation, either.

Athywren
Athywren
8 years ago

Whatever’s going on, it’s clearly misandry!
*pokes WordPress with a stick*

Kittehserf
8 years ago

Okay, let’s try breaking this thread to see what’s being caught in the filter:

These guys buy into what Cliff Pervocracy calls the Myth of the Boner Werewolf. It’s part of r*pe cultre generally, not just the MRM, sadly. It suits these guys very well to pretend that they have no control and that everything sexual is essentially the woman’s responsibility – or fault, rather.

Kittehserf
8 years ago

Aha. It doesn’t like the link to that article for some reason. Weird, given that The Pervocracy is listed in the Antidotes to Boobery sidebar.

The other thing I was trying to say (x 4 and counting!) is the irony that the whole “uncontrollable sex beast” thing contradicts their other favourite trope about how Real Menz are the rational, logical and totes reasoning humans, and women are just animalistic sexthings. Cognitive dissonance, they haz it.

::pokes wordpress: Stoopid thing!

Aaliyah
8 years ago

No means yes and yes means yes, though it also means you’re a slut. Complete access and the ability to blame whatever the situation is what they want.

Yuck.

Also, thinking about that has just sparked a concern of mine. My little sisters already have low self-esteem. And that makes me worried about them easily internalizing misogyny and slut-shaming when they enter their teenage years. I wish I could actively do something to steer them away from that crap. All I can do at this point is try my best not to validate or reinforce any of their problematic attitudes.

Athywren
Athywren
8 years ago

Luckily, I was already browsing Pervocracy and just had to type “boner werewolf” into the search box. I like how the first anonymous commenter is whining about men are being demonised in an article specifically aimed at humanising them, and holding the [I really hope it’s a] minority that refuse to control themselves accountable. I have to admit, though, I find it odd, considering that most MRAs I know are raging Islamophobes, that they’ve embraced one of the tropes of fundamentalist Islam: Show ankle? Inevitable rape. And you asked for it. For having arousing skin.

I honestly can’t decide what’s more worrying… that I’ve been unaware of this subculture and their views on the world for so long, or that I’m becoming aware of them. Well, in fairness, I’ve been aware of PUAs for years, probably as long as I’ve been an interneteer, I just didn’t realise just how creepy they were.

Athywren
Athywren
8 years ago

Also, thinking about that has just sparked a concern of mine. My little sisters already have low self-esteem. And that makes me worried about them easily internalizing misogyny and slut-shaming when they enter their teenage years. I wish I could actively do something to steer them away from that crap. All I can do at this point is try my best not to validate or reinforce any of their problematic attitudes.

Good luck with that. Hopefully, with you and others supporting them, they’ll be able to shake that stuff.
Speaking of which, are there any tips or resources around the place for making sure that your language or behaviour doesn’t contribute to low self-esteem in others? I mean, I know I do better than MRAs, but I can’t help but be concerned that I still do accidentally douchey things (such as, for example, call people bat shit crazy, which never occured to me as an insensitive phrase until posting here.)

Kittehserf
8 years ago

Much the same story here, athywren. I’d never heard of MRAs before I hit this site (I’d recently read the acronym and thought it meant Male Rape Apologist, which isn’t so far out, really). I’d heard the term “pick-up artist” for years but had no idea it was an acronym or there was some supposed system and books written about it: I thought it was just a term for some bloke who was pretty successful in a rather skeevy way at getting casual sex.

I’m just freaking grateful I don’t know anyone like this in meatspace. There are times when having a nonexistent social life is a plus! 😛

Athywren
Athywren
8 years ago

I somehow stumbled into a PUA internest when I was 16 or 17. Oddly enough, even as a horny, hormonal teenager, I saw it for the bullshit it was… it might’ve been the insistence on stupid hats crossing into my loathing for Jamiroquai more than actual reasoning, but at least the result was good.

pineapplecookies
pineapplecookies
8 years ago

it might’ve been the insistence on stupid hats crossing into my loathing for Jamiroquai more than actual reasoning

you own me the cookie I just chocked on.

Athywren
Athywren
8 years ago

@pineapplecookies

neener-neener 😛

pineapplecookies
pineapplecookies
8 years ago

*owe

damm!! >.<

Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

Aaliyah — probably only sorta helpful, but praise their smarts, athletics, stuff they’re good at that isn’t the shit society is throwing at them about weight and fashion and body imagine. Eg “you’re good at math for a girl” (not that you’d say the for a girl bit, but you get my point, I hope)

Kittehserf
8 years ago

“it might’ve been the insistence on stupid hats”

You talking about fedoras? Them’s fightin’ words, fella! 😉

Kittehserf
8 years ago

“neener-neener”

And now you owe me a chicken sammich.

Aaliyah
8 years ago

Aaliyah — probably only sorta helpful, but praise their smarts, athletics, stuff they’re good at that isn’t the shit society is throwing at them about weight and fashion and body imagine. Eg “you’re good at math for a girl” (not that you’d say the for a girl bit, but you get my point, I hope)

That’s an excellent idea – thank you. I’ve always complimented them on things like smarts and athletics but not necessarily for that reason.

Athywren
Athywren
8 years ago

“it might’ve been the insistence on stupid hats”

You talking about fedoras? Them’s fightin’ words, fella! 😉

Nonono – stupid hats

Kittehserf
8 years ago

OMG

now you owe me a piece of cheese

you’re gonna spend ALL DAY in the Kitchen of Reparation at this rate

Kittehserf
8 years ago

Actually it’d be really good if someone convinced PUAs to wear hats like that. It’d be like a warning sign.

Athywren
Athywren
8 years ago

I already made you a chicken sammich btw. Proper chunks of chicken filling four half pitta pockets, lightly drizzled with barbeque or tomato sauce. Unfortunately I eated it.

Viscaria
Viscaria
8 years ago

*Looks at stupid hat link*

Oh my god, that guy is wearing a ridiculous hat! That must mean he doesn’t care what other people think of him, which makes him attractive to me! If only he would tell me that my nails were fake (knocking me off my pedestal!) I would totally bang him in ways that would probably not be particularly pleasurable for me but would definitely get him off.

That’s how women think, right?

Athywren
Athywren
8 years ago

@Viscaria
Are you attempting to subtly discredit the science (and art!) of the up pick? Because I won’t stand for that! It works, it totally does. I know this to be true, because I read it on a website, and websites don’t lie!

Viscaria
Viscaria
8 years ago

I will never forgive you for how much you made me sporfle with “the up pick” XD

Athywren
Athywren
8 years ago

🙁
I guess that’s my cue to run away then. Bedward, before the feminazi’s come for me! 😛
Good night.

Kittehserf
8 years ago

The up pick?

Don’t tell me Yoda’s a PUA too! :O

I am glad to know you have succumbed to cat mind control, however.

Kittehserf
8 years ago

Niters athywren! 🙂

Kittehserf
8 years ago

That hat’s even sillier than the slippers Mr K threatened to make years ago. (He prefers wandering around in his socks.) I suggested slippers and he flashed up an image of himself in large pink fluffy ones.

Subtle, not!

Athywren
Athywren
8 years ago

Don’t tell me Yoda’s a PUA too! :O

Very well. Tell you, I won’t, but discover this… you must.

My bedside lamp is making horrifying noises. Such misandry!
*is asleep*

Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

Aaliyah — if it wasn’t obvious, I meant to strike through “for a girl” and failed. And no comparing them to each other (or their friends, but particularly each other since you’re inadvertently putting down the other in the process).

Yeah, if I never hear “why csn’t you be as good at X as your brother” again…dude, he was saludictorian cuz he went to tech school and did nothing else, I went to public school and did ALL THE THINGS (like, I slept senior year? When?!? Why can’t I get straight As? Why can’t he be the one keeping the GSA afloat? Oh right, that doesn’t count as anything good to bigots /rant)

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

If I saw someone who was dressed like Mystery I’d be all “oh, was this meant to be a costume party? that wasn’t mentioned on the invitations”. Someone needs to share Coco Chanel’s words of wisdom about looking in the mirror before you leave the house and taking off one accessory with that guy. He’s like a walking Christmas tree.

Aaliyah
8 years ago

Aaliyah — if it wasn’t obvious, I meant to strike through “for a girl” and failed. And no comparing them to each other (or their friends, but particularly each other since you’re inadvertently putting down the other in the process).

For some reason my mind skimmed over “for a girl,” so no worries. =P I got the gist of what you were saying, especially since I understand your views. (I certainly can’t imagine you wanting to reinforce gender norms)

The only people I don’t give the benefit of doubt to here are people who prove themselves to be dishonest assholes.

Emily-goddess
Emily-goddess
8 years ago

Actually it’d be really good if someone convinced PUAs to wear hats like that. It’d be like a warning sign.

They have. It’s called peacocking.

Kittehserf
8 years ago

“They have. It’s called peacocking.”

Except they’ve confused peacocking with clowning!