Categories
off topic open thread

Open Thread for Personal Stuff

Hugs for everyone who wants them.
Hugs for everyone who wants them.

I know a lot of Man Boobz regulars have been dealing with a lot of rough stuff lately, so I’m opening this thread up to provide a (relatively) safe space to discuss them. No trolls allowed; any trolls who post here will be put on moderation and possibly banned. (Please notify me by email (my last name at well dot com) if there are inaproppriate comments; I get behind in reading comments here.)

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

567 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Aaliyah
7 years ago

@Kitteh, Argenti

Come to think of it, she is very stalker-ish. She keeps telling me that she wants to go see him at a show in Los Angeles this August and try to “rekindle” the relationship once she meets him. And she lives in the UK.

She also keeps talking about how, when he talked about “taking things slowly” before deleting his FB account (as mentioned above), it’s a undeniable sign that he loves and cares about her.

I honestly don’t want to see her as a stalker – she is very nice for the most part, and she seems sincere. But you’re right – there definitely is a stalking problem here.

I would ask her to go for therapy, but she says that all the therapists are unhelpful because they tell her that she should move on and stop being obsessive for her own sake. I can see how therapists can be unhelpful, of course, but they sound like they’re right to me.

As for my male friend, he takes a kind of benzo whose precise characteristics I’m unsure about, but he claims that it’s very “strong.” I think I’ll email him or something about my concerns.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Aaliyah — if you want a cover story feel free to alter what I said about me — “I know somebody on Ativan, is that what you take?” Totally natural question that shouldn’t be upsetting.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

She also keeps talking about how, when he talked about “taking things slowly” before deleting his FB account (as mentioned above), it’s a undeniable sign that he loves and cares about her.

That right there is really stalker material – reading everything as a sign of the objects True Love for the stalker.

I’m glad she’s in the UK and hope to goodness she can’t get to the US. However nice she is in general, she sounds like potentially really bad news for this guy.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Morning, noon and night, the blockquote monster never sleeps!

Aaliyah
7 years ago

@Kitteh

“For your own health, I’d suggest drawing away from her. You’ve quite enough to deal with, between family, job, school, etc, etc. This is no time to feel guilty about not being able to support someone else.”

That’s how I feel, too. But I’m worried about her having no other means of support if I suddenly draw away from her completely. She makes it sound like as though I’m the only supportive friend she has…I’m sure she would be very distraught.

Aaliyah
7 years ago

That right there is really stalker material – reading everything as a sign of the objects True Love for the stalker.

Yeah, she has a strong confirmation bias. I’ve noticed that she pretty much panics when someone tells her that she’s being obsessive, that she doesn’t have a chance with that man, that he doesn’t really love her, etc. and then dismisses them as ignorant about the true nature of their “relationship.” Seriously, she tells me about her “freaking out” and suffering from severe shaking, nervousness, etc. But when someone tells her things she wants to hear, she showers them with praise.

Also, she is very, very worried about him being anti-choice or sex-positive. She also tells me frequently about how guilty she feels when she thinks or briefly fantasizes about being with someone who isn’t the man in question. And because this man is an actor (he starred in 24 I think), she obsesses over whether he thinks she’s not good enough for him because he has such a high status.

And on another note, I’ve told her countless times that my name is Aaliyah, yet she almost never calls me by my female name. I suppose that could be because my Facebook profile has my male name on it, but still…it makes me feel uncomfortable, as if she doesn’t really care about anything else but getting her attention. That makes sense because usually when she pops up and tries to chat with me (which is almost EVERY TIME I get onto Facebook), she just calls me by my male name, begging me to talk to her. Usually I avoid her by closing my tab and then later talking to her (when I’m in the right state of mind to talk to her) about my internet connection not being good, hence my inability to chat with her. I really hate lying, but I feel trapped.

neuroticbeagle
neuroticbeagle
7 years ago

@Aaliyah- She sounds manipulative to me, why do you want to be her friend?

Aaliyah
7 years ago

“@Aaliyah- She sounds manipulative to me, why do you want to be her friend?”

Well, I’m really just her Facebook friend – I don’t really think of her as a real friend, especially these days with the way she is now. But I have the same concern about even just unfriending her on FB because I fear that drawing away suddenly will hurt her feelings.

Dvärghundspossen
7 years ago

Regarding benzos: They can be really helpful. I sometimes take them together with Haldol to combat mania. I use about one hundred 0,5 mg Xanax pills a year, has done this for many years, and never felt any urge to take more than that. HOWEVER I know it’s not uncommon to develop real problems with this kind of drug. A friend of a friend recently killed himself, and it’s believed that benzo addiction may have played a part. He originally got them prescribed as part of an anxiety treatment, but started taking more and more, became addicted, and apparently they can CAUSE depression and suicidal thoughts if you take too much too often.

Fibinachi
Fibinachi
7 years ago

@Aaliyah:

And what about your feelings? :]

Quiet need not be cruel, and stepping away need not be a crushing blow. You’re allowed just as much space as everyone else, if you feel you need it. It’s not a sign of weakness or failing.

Marie
7 years ago

@Auggie

All the hugs if you want them. Depression acting up sucks, and more hugs to you and your friend if you want.

@Aaliyah

Sadly I don’t have any advice on your friend with the Benzo. Idk about the other friend. Could you recommend she talk to a psych, or something? Hopefully one of them would be better able to help. But they’re expensive and (imo) hard to find good ones.

And, reading more:

I would ask her to go for therapy, but she says that all the therapists are unhelpful because they tell her that she should move on and stop being obsessive for her own sake

🙁 Not sure what to do then. I mean, you could (if you haven’t already) try to point out how what she’s doing is creepy, but that’d probably be really stressful for the both of you.

. I suppose that could be because my Facebook profile has my male name on it, but still…it makes me feel uncomfortable, as if she doesn’t really care about anything else but getting her attention.

Not sure what to do besides just keep correcting her, though I’m guessing you’ve already tried.

Aaliyah
7 years ago

@Dvärghundspossen

A few months ago, my friend was feeling very suicidal, to the point of asking me for a suicide crisis hotline number. In his messages he almost sounded like he was panicking. I felt so bad for him. My older brother said that it could be that he was suffering from withdrawl (or overdosing – not sure which). So yeah, that’s another reason why I’m very worried about him.

At least it’s much easier for me to help him, though. Unlike that other person I mentioned above, I get along with him very well and he’s genuinely nice to me. He’s also open-minded, so that makes talking to him easier. I’m still hesitant about talking his drug abuse, though, because that might make him much more defensive or bothered than usual. I’ll send him an email soon, but I’m not sure how I’m going to say everything.

shigekuni
7 years ago
Reply to  Aaliyah

But the great thing about that is that he’s asking for help, right? It feels like there are roughly 3 kinds of people in the suicide ‘business’. The people who are unwell and know that and want to get better and ask for help, and the people who are unwell and don’t know it, and have friends or family to help them and get them into treatment, and I guess a third group (cf. Améry/Levé) of people considering suicide for rational reasons?

So it’s good he’s asking for help, that seems the most encouraging situation, no?

Aaliyah
7 years ago

I haven’t talked to that young woman I mentioned above for a few days. I’m going to talk to her again soon, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know how to begin telling her that her behavior is stalkerish. As for that guy friend, I have yet to send him any email because I still don’t know how I can express my concerns without offending him somehow (I don’t think he’d react nicely to me lecturing him about the dangers of recreational use of psychiatric drugs.) Thank you all for your help, though.

Also, as some of you know, I recently got my first job ever. I plan to use a good chunk of my income to help pay for therapy sessions because I desperately need to see a therapist.

However, since I live with my father, I’m very worried about him finding out that I’m spending a large amount of my income on something he doesn’t know about. And if he finds out, he might try to pressure me to tell him what I’m spending my money on. I don’t know what will happen to me if I express my refusal to tell him, and frankly I don’t want to find out the hard way.

So yeah, I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to delay therapy sessions any longer. Do any of you have some advice you can share? It would be greatly appreciated.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Aaliyah — sorry to be so blunt about all this but…

1) your therapy — are you 18 yet? If so, he has no legal right to know your medical history, and if you tell your psych to not even ID as more than a clinic, they should be okay doing it. Doesn’t much help with what to tell him, but legally he has no right to know unless you’re a minor.

2) obsessive friend — just don’t talk to her, you are no obligated to tell her why you don’t want to talk to her, nor are her feelings your problem. If she refuses to use your female name, and insists on misgendering you, she clearly isn’t considering your feelings, and is thus not entitled to you considering hers. And frankly? Putting things delicately is one thing, having someone get all “but my emotional health depends on you!” is massively an invasion. If it were rare and she was legit asking for help, that’d be one thing, but she is neither accepting help (nor suggestions, nor critism of her obsessive ways) nor is this limited to short term crises.

3) friend with the benzo problem — this is when you do express concern, as he might actually listen to that. If you lecture, yup, he’ll get defensive, but if you express your concern for him, he will be far more likely to at least actually hear what you say (he may well still get defensive, but is more likely to ponder on it instead of fuming over it). Tangentially, ranting suicidal sounds more like withdrawal than overdose, and might be a good touch off point for “dude, you’re doing yourself more harm than good and I’m worried”.

OD? I slept for, um, two days? I think? I’m missing about a week thanks to the wonderfully (un)ful mixed state caused by the goddamned sleeping pill I took with it. Depressed // bipolar // maybe bipolar folks, remeron is not your friend. Tricyclics antidepressants are specially contraindicated by bipolar disorder, insomnia is far far more tolerable than bouncing off the walls while suicidal (see, depressed folks are most likely to successfully commit suicide when becoming undepressed and having the energy to carry it out, so having too much energy to possibly deal with, while suicidal, is very, very bad)

/PSA

Kittehserf
7 years ago

On the subject of the young woman who’s stalkerish – how much have you invested in a friendship with her? Is she someone you want contact with, or would you rather she dropped out of your life? I’m thinking this is taking more out of you than it should be. But if you do want to maintain contact, I’d repeat: trawl Captain Awkward for some relevant threads. Even if you can’t get her to read them, why not look for responses and scripts for yourself, to help deal with her?

I wish I could offer advice on the matter with you and your dad, but I just don’t have any experience or anything useful to suggest. I always end up wishing I could jump in the TARDIS and whip him off to the time several centuries ago he seems to mentally inhabit.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Oh and idk if it’s feasible, but try talking to your boss about the pay, if your boss is understanding and it’s a small business, you just might be able to get something worked out so you have a check to show your father and a check to spend. It’s a very long shot, but it,s the only idea I have.

More reasonably, can you put your sister or brother or someone between you and him in this regard? Like, have someone else handle the check and give you the money and cover for the difference? Eg you get paid $500, somebody you can trust deposits the check, gives you $100 cash and $400 to tell your father you got paid? Adjust the numbers of course, but it sounds like you have family who’d understand why you’re asking, and to really cover your bases, could you tell him that the difference was given to the check cashier to help with their rent or something?

Yeah it’d require careful footwork, but it could work if you have family in on it (my mother kept my cell number from my father for me for years, forged his signature on my first lease so I could move out when he wouldn’t let me, yeah, lying with a relative supporting you can be a life, or at least sanity, saver)

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Kitteh — nawh, somewhere where women rule, or gender is totally moot, let him suffer a round smack of culture shock. Lol, or let Martha save him from The Year That Never Was.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

I am in shock! I rang Telstra about our faulty line yesterday and the tech is here TODAY to check it!

::faints::

::falls::

neuroticbeagle
neuroticbeagle
7 years ago

::Gets sat on by cat?::

katz
7 years ago

Would you guys believe that my problem right now is that I have too many kittens?

Aaliyah
7 years ago

@Argenti

Yeah, I’m not a minor anymore (18 going on 19 this July). So I’m good with the legal stuff at least. There’s still the problem of me having to tell him, though. Perhaps he’d be convinced if I told him that I was spending it on other things like clothes, a new MP3 player (I need to get one anyway), etc.? Or is that likely to be an unhelpful strategy? I mean, I know therapists who have sliding scales and will probably ask for no more than $60 a session. So maybe saying that I used that much money for other things would be convincing.

I should clarify about that young woman; she doesn’t insist on misgendering me. It’s just that she only corrects herself once I remind her, so I get the impression that she’s much more focused on getting nice words out of me than anything else. One thing that does bother me, though, is that she expressed her sympathy for TERFs who feel that trans* women are oppressing radfems by “silencing” them. I think she is friendly towards trans* people – she certainly doesn’t mind me – but I’m still concerned about what I’ve seen from her.

And unfortunately, I actually used to tell her things she liked to hear, like that the relationship can work out, but that’s only because her reaction is really hard to handle when I try to be critical; as I said, she gets extremely anxious when I even hint at the possibility that she’s wrong, and I’m also afraid of hurting her feelings because not only is she very sensitive, but she also tells me that everyone she knows is rude to her (not sure if that’s entirely true, but I have no reason to believe otherwise for now). There’s also the fact that initially I didn’t notice the signs of her being a stalker (I thought she was just afraid of losing that man’s love or something) until you folks pointed them out for me. So because she’s used to me sugarcoating things, that makes telling her the truth even harder. I guess I can lie to her about why I don’t want to talk to her, but 1) I want her to stop being stalkerish because it worries me and 2) I really don’t want to lie anymore. I’m not trying to be some kind of martyr or whatever by trying to help her – I just feel that, since I’m one of the few people she confides in constantly, I’m in a better position to help her change her ways. Maybe I have a bad approach to that, though.

As for my male friend, I have realized that I have been getting progressively closer to him ever since he moved to my state (because of hanging out with him more). This weekend I’ll see if I can hang out with him again (perhaps go on a hike because he loves hiking) and have a honest talk with him. So I guess, now that I think about it, the email will be unnecessary. Since we’re closer, maybe there’s a much lower chance of him being defensive. I guess I just have to see what happens when I talk to him (I’ll try my best to talk to him calmly and try not to offend him, but there’s only so much I can do I guess).

BTW, Argenti, thank you so much for your suggestions. You’re one of the most helpful people here.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

neuroticbeagle – would have, ‘cept they were busy being Concerned Citizens when I let a STRANGER into the house (aka technician who has fixed my phone and internet lines, hooray!)

katz, I sooo wish I could help with your problem. I saw a darling black kitty, maybe 6 months old, for adoption at the vet today … sniff, sniffle, we don’t have enough kitties here. 🙁

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Aaliyah, I can only echo Argenti at this point and say you are not her therapist, and that’s what this seems to be turning into. I don’t think there’s any way of easing out of it if she’s that bad; you might just have to end the connection, tell her you don’t want contact and be done with it, block her and so on.

Aaliyah
7 years ago

@Kitteh

On the subject of the young woman who’s stalkerish – how much have you invested in a friendship with her? Is she someone you want contact with, or would you rather she dropped out of your life? I’m thinking this is taking more out of you than it should be. But if you do want to maintain contact, I’d repeat: trawl Captain Awkward for some relevant threads. Even if you can’t get her to read them, why not look for responses and scripts for yourself, to help deal with her?

She’s like an acquaintance to me – I just talk to her. I don’t really consider her a friend in the typical sense. At the same time, though, I don’t necessarily want her dropped out of my life – I just want her to get better, stop being stalkerish, and respect my boundaries more. Maybe what I wish for is unreasonable, though.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

It’s not unreasonable to wish that were the case, but I think it’s unreasonable to take on any of that yourself. Like I said, you aren’t her therapist, or even her sister, and bluntly I think you’ve got more than enough to deal with in your own life without getting caught up in what sounds like a futile effort on behalf of someone who isn’t remotely responsive and seems to have nil insight. Time for self-protection and cutting ties, I think. That’s one thing I do have experience of, and it was with a long-standing and close friendship. It isn’t fun but sometimes it’s all that will work.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Also, if you’re just acquaintances, what the hell is she doing these FEELINGS DUMPS on you for? That’s boundary crossing stuff right there, isn’t it?

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Aaliyah — *blushes* thank you, helpful is like, my goal in life. As for your male friend, yeah, a talk in person where he can see you’re concerned may go better. And yes, you can only sugar coat it so much, but if you’re close, and express concern, and he trusted you (which he must, to have asked for the suicide hotline number) then he’s likely to at least listen. Don’t expect some radical 180, but close friends being concerned generally gets people to actually listen.

As for your female friend…I’m not sure even a trained therapist could make her less obsessive, and it certainly isn’t your job. I realize you care about her, and ok, she’s just too self-absorbed to get your gender right, but that TERF bit? Many of the smart trans* women i know on twitter have decided that fuck it, you express sympathy for that shit, you get the block button. Granted, twitter is less personal than FB, but the problem is the same — it’s like sympathizing with MRAs, there is something wrong with you if you have sympathy beyond “I hope they wake up and realize they’re part of a movement of assholes”.

Aso, story time, sort of. I’ve mentioned my gaslighting narcissist ex, idk if you’ve seen any of it though. Epically long story short, the all about me show, the sorta creepy behavior you don’t see because you care, the desire to try to help? It’s all how I got sucked in. If it comes complete with how awesome you are in some sense, that’s the *waves hands about* glue? hook? Like, narcissist target people who will feed their egos, people who need recognization, are ignored or degraded in other parts of their lives. Prop you up and then the mask falls and you don’t want to sever ties because you’re friends and they’re nice and they just need help. That they will always refuse, while insisting the rest of the world is wrong.

This all ringing bells? I know it’s hard, trust me, I know, but just sever all ties, do not reply, at all, ever. Eventually she’ll find someone new to feed her ego. Do not reply if she tries to tell you she’s gotten help or whatever. At best, you’re leaving her to her own devices, which, since she clearly refuses to accept help, is really all you can do; at worst, you’re saving yourself from being her next woe is me story.

Like, I’m coming off cold aren’t I? Compare how she treats you versus the other friend we’ve been discussing. Despite his issues, he sounds like a healthy friendship, so compare the two. Comparing toxic friends to more toxic family makes them seem good in comparison (lol, MRAs generally make my father seem good, TERF supporter? Well at least you aren’t advocating shooting trans* people, like no, just no, less toxic is still toxic)

—–

Why the fuck do I keep writing novellas? Sorry! (Lol, ask pecunium about my emails, this is tame in comparison…and still long, touché)

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Meh, your comments aren’t novellas, Argenti. Going all epigrammatic isn’t that helpful for this sort of thing anyway.

To me this is “don’t let her take advantage of your kindness”, Aaliyah. I think the guy she’s obsessing over made exactly the right move by cutting contact with her.

Aaliyah
7 years ago

Okay, I haven’t blocked her yet, but I’ve turned off chat for her so that I don’t appear online. I’m still hesitant about blocking her at this time because I feel really horrible when I suddenly stop talking to people. I’ll do it when I’m in a calmer, less anxious state of mind because right now it’s very hard.

Anyway, I’m not exactly sure if she’s still a TERF supporter because it was a long time since then and as far as I know she is fine with me being trans*, but still…it’s definitely not a good sign. Also, while this doesn’t bother me on a personal level as much as I’m not a sex worker, she is vehemently anti-prostitution, thinks that all casual sex is manipulative even when its consensual, and tends to see all prostitutes as a monolith (and you know the rest). That in addition to all of that dismissive, stalkerish, invasive stuff I mentioned about her.

She’s much different from my male friend. He’s the only friend I have in real life, and he’s one of the sweetest people I know. While I usually don’t receive advice or guidance from him, he always tells me that he’s willing to at least to listen to me vent, and he’s given me good advice before on calming down (just recently he helped me alleviate my anxiety attack). And he’s among the handful of people who accept me for being trans*; when I came out to him, he was immediately supportive. Lastly, even though he puts himself down all the time, he is one of the most intelligent and thoughtful people I know.

I think it’s clear where my priorities lie, as harsh as it is to say that.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

That’s not harsh at all, Aaliyah. It’s seeing things clearly.

The more you tell us about this woman, the more I wonder why you’re talking to her at all. When you say, “I’m still hesitant about blocking her at this time because I feel really horrible when I suddenly stop talking to people” I would suggest this: if this person were an MRA, would you have any hesitation in cutting off contact? If she came out with horrible racist shit, ditto? I mean, what HAS she got to make contact with her worthwhile? She’s got seriously fucked up, bigoted ideas, she’s self-obsessed and at least a borderline stalker.

Would I be right in guessing you feel social pressure to be “nice” and not cut people off? That’s how I’m reading it; apologies if I’m wrong. You owe this person nothing and it’s not even a worthwhile acquaintanceship, let alone friendship, if you’re constantly the shoulder for her to cry on and she can’t even make the effort to remember your gender. Is it more stressful to cut her off, or to go on supplying what you know are lies about her chances of hitting on this poor bloke she’s chasing?

Even if you don’t block her, just put her mail in a filter so it goes straight to spam or trash or whatever. Just don’t answer her, don’t read her stuff. Seriously, I think she’s bad for you.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

“Even if you don’t block her, just put her mail in a filter so it goes straight to spam or trash or whatever. Just don’t answer her, don’t read her stuff. Seriously, I think she’s bad for you.”

So much this. If you’re using gmail you can easily set up a folder for her emails and auto mark as read.

As for where your priorities lie…grumpy cat’s got this covered.

Aaliyah
7 years ago

@Kitteh,

Truth be told, there’s nothing worthwhile about making contact with her because she’s emotionally draining among many other things. It’s just that, like you’ve already pointed out, I feel guilty about cutting people off so quickly because I feel pressured to be nice very often. And you’re right that cutting her off, even though it will be stressful, will still be better than experiencing more stress in talking to her (and even worse, never actually being able to help her in ways she needs help). It really is for the best/

Thank you very much for your help. Both you and Argenti have pushed me to block her from chat, and I needed that push. Even though I haven’t blocked her yet, I already feel like some weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Grumpy Cat speaks truth!

Kittehserf
7 years ago

So glad we’re helping!

Here’s some extra special social pressure: We, the society of Manboobz, herewith replace the Be Nice To Douchebags, Asshats and Generally Draining Pests imperative with the Fuck the Lot of Them imperative. This will download into your harddrive in 10 … 9 … 8 …

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

How’s about #NSACalledToTellMe to stop giving a fuck about people who don’t give a fuck about me.

And now I need to go pass out, the morning birds are up >.<

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Morning, er, niters, Argenti! 😛

Aaliyah
7 years ago

Here’s some extra special social pressure: We, the society of Manboobz, herewith replace the Be Nice To Douchebags, Asshats and Generally Draining Pests imperative with the Fuck the Lot of Them imperative. This will download into your harddrive in 10 … 9 … 8 …

Hehe…yeah I’m definitely a doormat for unpleasant people sometimes.

[CN: domestic violence, graphic verbal sexual harassment]

When I was 12, I was actually fond of my sister’s ex even though he was a violent asshole who always shamed me for being chubby and invaded my personal boundaries. On one occasion he made jokes about me learning how to have sex (and holy shit was he explicit) while he KNEW that I was still confused and scared about puberty, sex, etc., and on another occasion he offered me a bowl of weed. He made me feel very uncomfortable and unsafe, but at the same time, I liked him; I felt like he was trying to be like an older sibling figure, and despite his horrible behavior, that image he gave off was comforting and encouraged me to ignore his assholery. (Now I have nothing but contempt for him, having realized how much of a jerk he was.)

Sometimes there are exceptions though. My father comes to mind first, and then there’s my mother’s ex, who tried to strangle her to death when she expressed a disagreement about how well his business was going. Let’s just say that he deserves to sleep on a bed of cactuses and rocks. Forever. How dare he try to put my mom through the same shit she endured while she was married to my dad. Even though this dude had a nice attitude when I met up, my opinion of him somehow changed in every single respect once I learned about his controlling and abusive behavior.

Hopefully one day I’ll be able to protect myself to the utmost degree and stop being a doormat for people who I really shouldn’t be helping. I think this situation with this young woman has taught me a lot so far, though.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

I’m glad you’re getting something out of this, at least as a class in “how to get rid of creeps without feeling guilty”.

You know, it just struck me how self-blaming, or victim-blaming, the word “doormat” is. How bloody easy is it for someone to break lifelong conditioning from a bunch of controlling, abusive people? Even ordinary social pressure (ie. coming from people who aren’t controlling and abusive) is hard to shake off. This sort of thing, coming with built-in threats to your safety – that’s fucking hard.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Egad! Mum sneaked some Worcestershire sauce into the stew. No wonder it was hot! 😀

Fibinachi
Fibinachi
7 years ago

@Aaliyah:

I agree with Argenti Aertheri’s short, concise and epigrammatic post at 2:23. I think he could have expanded a little, included a few more examples, but on the whole, I agree with it and will ditto the “This is solid advice. Some people, through no fault of their own I guess, will suck any scrap of personality they can because they need it like a plant needs sunlight”.

Kittehserf at 3:43 has another good point! A little long, I guess, and it took me a while to chew through it, but I like it and if you take the time to dig through the comment, you will find many, many valuable lessons. Also at 4:15. “Doormat” is code for “Trained Differently”.

(You can flip the time indicators, I am being sassy)

But yeah. Thing is, most people default to “Sure, I’ll listen”, because it’s what you’ve been told, trained and taught. And there’s nothing really… wrong with it. Trying to take the time to listen is not bad. But boundaries are like castle gates, you should be allowed to snap your shut if you feel the need.

Now me? I’m an asshole. Utterly and completely, and I have no compunctions about saying “Sorry, my drying paint is more important to me than your current state of affairs, ta-ta” because I have no soul and my empathy is a shriveled, broken thing whimpering in the shadows of my mind. I got to this stage by practicing. Because it is tough. And you want to help, or, at least, you want to Not Be An Asshat. But let¨s review:

Truth be told, there’s nothing worthwhile about making contact with her because she’s emotionally draining among many other things. It’s just that, like you’ve already pointed out, I feel guilty about cutting people off so quickly because I feel pressured to be nice very often. And you’re right that cutting her off, even though it will be stressful, will still be better than experiencing more stress in talking to her (and even worse, never actually being able to help her in ways she needs help). It really is for the best/

You’ve already gotten your answer and this entire post is jut me meandering on. Keep it in mind next time (the tips, not my meandering). Don’t discard people on a whim and the slightest provocation, but being… willing? To walk away at any time also gives you the option of staying, by deciding, this is where I’ll stay. Not out of guilt, pressure or precedence but choice. Good skill to learn, that.

@Thread:

Everything’s going to be all right, right? This is all just a minor downturn before the inevitable second wind, right? I can sort it all out and get it together and do the thing and the stuff and wake up in the morning and not want to scream until my throat is hoarse, right? Yes. Yes I can. Upwards and onwards.

Just… ugh. Sometimes… the stuff it’s… Stuffy. You are all lovely people. There’s no reason to state that here, but hey, have a reminder.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Have a Scented Fucking Candle, Fibinachi. Guaranteed to clear stuffiness. 🙂

mildlymagnificent
7 years ago

aaliyah

I get the impression that she’s much more focused on getting nice words out of me than anything else.

I’m also afraid of hurting her feelings because not only is she very sensitive, but she also tells me that everyone she knows is rude to her (not sure if that’s entirely true,

Can you spell manipulation? The only reason she’s so intent on continuing her relationship with you is because you’re the last person left in the world who allows her to go on with this stuff.

(I did get a hint of sexual hang ups driving her to this. If she thinks sexual “promiscuity” or even serial monogamy is so distasteful, she’s backed herself into a corner if she’s slept with this guy. She thinks she has to continue this relationship and. only. this. relationship, otherwise she becomes a Gasp! slut by the silly standard she’s set for herself. In the end, only a therapist can help her, and only if she lets them.)

Aaliyah
7 years ago

@Kitteh

You know, it just struck me how self-blaming, or victim-blaming, the word “doormat” is. How bloody easy is it for someone to break lifelong conditioning from a bunch of controlling, abusive people? Even ordinary social pressure (ie. coming from people who aren’t controlling and abusive) is hard to shake off. This sort of thing, coming with built-in threats to your safety – that’s fucking hard.
I know what you mean. That is a problematic term now that I think about it. And besides that conditioning you’ve mentioned, there’s also my self-loathing, which makes all of that even more difficult to deal with.

@Fibinachi

Don’t discard people on a whim and the slightest provocation, but being… willing? To walk away at any time also gives you the option of staying, by deciding, this is where I’ll stay. Not out of guilt, pressure or precedence but choice. Good skill to learn, that.

You’re absolutely right. And not only is it a good skill to learn, but it’s also one I’ll have to learn anyway, because eventually I’ll have to estrange myself from a large number of people once I tell them I’m trans*. Eh, well, I guess that’s not really voluntary, but at least by learning this skill I can perhaps better cope with having to cut myself off from other people (although the fact that many of these people are family members is going to make it even harder for me to deal with).

Anyway folks, I apologize for being so stubborn earlier. It was probably annoying to keep hearing “But that will make me feel guilty!” from me over and over again. Thanks for all the help, though.

Fibinachi
Fibinachi
7 years ago

Huh, I do have those apple scented candles in the bathroom I put in there to annoy my roommate as payback for his poetry.

TO THE FIBI-MOBILE! 1-2-3-5! Thank you for the reminder, unintended as it was.

Aaliyah
7 years ago

Would you guys believe that my problem right now is that I have too many kittens?

I know how that feels. We used to have 3 cats, and despite the cuteness overload, it wasn’t very pleasant sometimes.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Fibinachi — just a reminder, if you see it, that my pronouns of choice are ze/zir. I’m not offended or anything, only bothers me when it’s intentional (eg, NWO, Joe) but yeah, since I figure you just forgot, consider this a friendly reminder 🙂 Thanks!

Kittehserf
7 years ago

We used to have five cats, and I wish, wish, wish we could have more than two now!

Kittehserf
7 years ago

I found a cool and very simple pattern today – I rather fancy trying it in the rose pink yarn I made my cable beret in, though it’s finer than the pattern calls for. I might add a cable pattern along the neck/front edge, for a bit of weight and detail. What do y’all think, if you’ve any opinion? 🙂

http://www.lionbrand.com/patterns/60648A.html

Fibinachi
Fibinachi
7 years ago

@Argenti Aertheri :

Oh, that’s true. I wrote “He”:
Sorry, that slipped my mind – it was not an intentional snipe. I appreciate the correction and will stick to it from now on.

Kind of a terrible post in all, now I read through it again. Curse the lack of editing, I can’t pointlessly go back and correct myself. 😀

@Kittehserf:

Sounds like a good idea, but I don’t seem able to access the pattern without a free account, so I can’t quite figure what it is you’re trying make… although rose pink yarn for anything must look quite dandy.

So good luck!