I know a lot of Man Boobz regulars have been dealing with a lot of rough stuff lately, so I’m opening this thread up to provide a (relatively) safe space to discuss them. No trolls allowed; any trolls who post here will be put on moderation and possibly banned. (Please notify me by email (my last name at well dot com) if there are inaproppriate comments; I get behind in reading comments here.)
@Kitteh, Argenti
Come to think of it, she is very stalker-ish. She keeps telling me that she wants to go see him at a show in Los Angeles this August and try to “rekindle” the relationship once she meets him. And she lives in the UK.
She also keeps talking about how, when he talked about “taking things slowly” before deleting his FB account (as mentioned above), it’s a undeniable sign that he loves and cares about her.
I honestly don’t want to see her as a stalker – she is very nice for the most part, and she seems sincere. But you’re right – there definitely is a stalking problem here.
I would ask her to go for therapy, but she says that all the therapists are unhelpful because they tell her that she should move on and stop being obsessive for her own sake. I can see how therapists can be unhelpful, of course, but they sound like they’re right to me.
As for my male friend, he takes a kind of benzo whose precise characteristics I’m unsure about, but he claims that it’s very “strong.” I think I’ll email him or something about my concerns.
Aaliyah — if you want a cover story feel free to alter what I said about me — “I know somebody on Ativan, is that what you take?” Totally natural question that shouldn’t be upsetting.
Morning, noon and night, the blockquote monster never sleeps!
@Kitteh
“For your own health, I’d suggest drawing away from her. You’ve quite enough to deal with, between family, job, school, etc, etc. This is no time to feel guilty about not being able to support someone else.”
That’s how I feel, too. But I’m worried about her having no other means of support if I suddenly draw away from her completely. She makes it sound like as though I’m the only supportive friend she has…I’m sure she would be very distraught.
Yeah, she has a strong confirmation bias. I’ve noticed that she pretty much panics when someone tells her that she’s being obsessive, that she doesn’t have a chance with that man, that he doesn’t really love her, etc. and then dismisses them as ignorant about the true nature of their “relationship.” Seriously, she tells me about her “freaking out” and suffering from severe shaking, nervousness, etc. But when someone tells her things she wants to hear, she showers them with praise.
Also, she is very, very worried about him being anti-choice or sex-positive. She also tells me frequently about how guilty she feels when she thinks or briefly fantasizes about being with someone who isn’t the man in question. And because this man is an actor (he starred in 24 I think), she obsesses over whether he thinks she’s not good enough for him because he has such a high status.
And on another note, I’ve told her countless times that my name is Aaliyah, yet she almost never calls me by my female name. I suppose that could be because my Facebook profile has my male name on it, but still…it makes me feel uncomfortable, as if she doesn’t really care about anything else but getting her attention. That makes sense because usually when she pops up and tries to chat with me (which is almost EVERY TIME I get onto Facebook), she just calls me by my male name, begging me to talk to her. Usually I avoid her by closing my tab and then later talking to her (when I’m in the right state of mind to talk to her) about my internet connection not being good, hence my inability to chat with her. I really hate lying, but I feel trapped.
@Aaliyah- She sounds manipulative to me, why do you want to be her friend?
“@Aaliyah- She sounds manipulative to me, why do you want to be her friend?”
Well, I’m really just her Facebook friend – I don’t really think of her as a real friend, especially these days with the way she is now. But I have the same concern about even just unfriending her on FB because I fear that drawing away suddenly will hurt her feelings.
Regarding benzos: They can be really helpful. I sometimes take them together with Haldol to combat mania. I use about one hundred 0,5 mg Xanax pills a year, has done this for many years, and never felt any urge to take more than that. HOWEVER I know it’s not uncommon to develop real problems with this kind of drug. A friend of a friend recently killed himself, and it’s believed that benzo addiction may have played a part. He originally got them prescribed as part of an anxiety treatment, but started taking more and more, became addicted, and apparently they can CAUSE depression and suicidal thoughts if you take too much too often.
@Aaliyah:
And what about your feelings? :]
Quiet need not be cruel, and stepping away need not be a crushing blow. You’re allowed just as much space as everyone else, if you feel you need it. It’s not a sign of weakness or failing.
@Auggie
All the hugs if you want them. Depression acting up sucks, and more hugs to you and your friend if you want.
@Aaliyah
Sadly I don’t have any advice on your friend with the Benzo. Idk about the other friend. Could you recommend she talk to a psych, or something? Hopefully one of them would be better able to help. But they’re expensive and (imo) hard to find good ones.
And, reading more:
🙁 Not sure what to do then. I mean, you could (if you haven’t already) try to point out how what she’s doing is creepy, but that’d probably be really stressful for the both of you.
Not sure what to do besides just keep correcting her, though I’m guessing you’ve already tried.
@Dvärghundspossen
A few months ago, my friend was feeling very suicidal, to the point of asking me for a suicide crisis hotline number. In his messages he almost sounded like he was panicking. I felt so bad for him. My older brother said that it could be that he was suffering from withdrawl (or overdosing – not sure which). So yeah, that’s another reason why I’m very worried about him.
At least it’s much easier for me to help him, though. Unlike that other person I mentioned above, I get along with him very well and he’s genuinely nice to me. He’s also open-minded, so that makes talking to him easier. I’m still hesitant about talking his drug abuse, though, because that might make him much more defensive or bothered than usual. I’ll send him an email soon, but I’m not sure how I’m going to say everything.
But the great thing about that is that he’s asking for help, right? It feels like there are roughly 3 kinds of people in the suicide ‘business’. The people who are unwell and know that and want to get better and ask for help, and the people who are unwell and don’t know it, and have friends or family to help them and get them into treatment, and I guess a third group (cf. Améry/Levé) of people considering suicide for rational reasons?
So it’s good he’s asking for help, that seems the most encouraging situation, no?
I haven’t talked to that young woman I mentioned above for a few days. I’m going to talk to her again soon, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know how to begin telling her that her behavior is stalkerish. As for that guy friend, I have yet to send him any email because I still don’t know how I can express my concerns without offending him somehow (I don’t think he’d react nicely to me lecturing him about the dangers of recreational use of psychiatric drugs.) Thank you all for your help, though.
Also, as some of you know, I recently got my first job ever. I plan to use a good chunk of my income to help pay for therapy sessions because I desperately need to see a therapist.
However, since I live with my father, I’m very worried about him finding out that I’m spending a large amount of my income on something he doesn’t know about. And if he finds out, he might try to pressure me to tell him what I’m spending my money on. I don’t know what will happen to me if I express my refusal to tell him, and frankly I don’t want to find out the hard way.
So yeah, I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to delay therapy sessions any longer. Do any of you have some advice you can share? It would be greatly appreciated.
Aaliyah — sorry to be so blunt about all this but…
1) your therapy — are you 18 yet? If so, he has no legal right to know your medical history, and if you tell your psych to not even ID as more than a clinic, they should be okay doing it. Doesn’t much help with what to tell him, but legally he has no right to know unless you’re a minor.
2) obsessive friend — just don’t talk to her, you are no obligated to tell her why you don’t want to talk to her, nor are her feelings your problem. If she refuses to use your female name, and insists on misgendering you, she clearly isn’t considering your feelings, and is thus not entitled to you considering hers. And frankly? Putting things delicately is one thing, having someone get all “but my emotional health depends on you!” is massively an invasion. If it were rare and she was legit asking for help, that’d be one thing, but she is neither accepting help (nor suggestions, nor critism of her obsessive ways) nor is this limited to short term crises.
3) friend with the benzo problem — this is when you do express concern, as he might actually listen to that. If you lecture, yup, he’ll get defensive, but if you express your concern for him, he will be far more likely to at least actually hear what you say (he may well still get defensive, but is more likely to ponder on it instead of fuming over it). Tangentially, ranting suicidal sounds more like withdrawal than overdose, and might be a good touch off point for “dude, you’re doing yourself more harm than good and I’m worried”.
OD? I slept for, um, two days? I think? I’m missing about a week thanks to the wonderfully (un)ful mixed state caused by the goddamned sleeping pill I took with it. Depressed // bipolar // maybe bipolar folks, remeron is not your friend. Tricyclics antidepressants are specially contraindicated by bipolar disorder, insomnia is far far more tolerable than bouncing off the walls while suicidal (see, depressed folks are most likely to successfully commit suicide when becoming undepressed and having the energy to carry it out, so having too much energy to possibly deal with, while suicidal, is very, very bad)
/PSA
On the subject of the young woman who’s stalkerish – how much have you invested in a friendship with her? Is she someone you want contact with, or would you rather she dropped out of your life? I’m thinking this is taking more out of you than it should be. But if you do want to maintain contact, I’d repeat: trawl Captain Awkward for some relevant threads. Even if you can’t get her to read them, why not look for responses and scripts for yourself, to help deal with her?
I wish I could offer advice on the matter with you and your dad, but I just don’t have any experience or anything useful to suggest. I always end up wishing I could jump in the TARDIS and whip him off to the time several centuries ago he seems to mentally inhabit.
Oh and idk if it’s feasible, but try talking to your boss about the pay, if your boss is understanding and it’s a small business, you just might be able to get something worked out so you have a check to show your father and a check to spend. It’s a very long shot, but it,s the only idea I have.
More reasonably, can you put your sister or brother or someone between you and him in this regard? Like, have someone else handle the check and give you the money and cover for the difference? Eg you get paid $500, somebody you can trust deposits the check, gives you $100 cash and $400 to tell your father you got paid? Adjust the numbers of course, but it sounds like you have family who’d understand why you’re asking, and to really cover your bases, could you tell him that the difference was given to the check cashier to help with their rent or something?
Yeah it’d require careful footwork, but it could work if you have family in on it (my mother kept my cell number from my father for me for years, forged his signature on my first lease so I could move out when he wouldn’t let me, yeah, lying with a relative supporting you can be a life, or at least sanity, saver)
Kitteh — nawh, somewhere where women rule, or gender is totally moot, let him suffer a round smack of culture shock. Lol, or let Martha save him from The Year That Never Was.
I am in shock! I rang Telstra about our faulty line yesterday and the tech is here TODAY to check it!
::faints::
::falls::
::Gets sat on by cat?::
Would you guys believe that my problem right now is that I have too many kittens?
@Argenti
Yeah, I’m not a minor anymore (18 going on 19 this July). So I’m good with the legal stuff at least. There’s still the problem of me having to tell him, though. Perhaps he’d be convinced if I told him that I was spending it on other things like clothes, a new MP3 player (I need to get one anyway), etc.? Or is that likely to be an unhelpful strategy? I mean, I know therapists who have sliding scales and will probably ask for no more than $60 a session. So maybe saying that I used that much money for other things would be convincing.
I should clarify about that young woman; she doesn’t insist on misgendering me. It’s just that she only corrects herself once I remind her, so I get the impression that she’s much more focused on getting nice words out of me than anything else. One thing that does bother me, though, is that she expressed her sympathy for TERFs who feel that trans* women are oppressing radfems by “silencing” them. I think she is friendly towards trans* people – she certainly doesn’t mind me – but I’m still concerned about what I’ve seen from her.
And unfortunately, I actually used to tell her things she liked to hear, like that the relationship can work out, but that’s only because her reaction is really hard to handle when I try to be critical; as I said, she gets extremely anxious when I even hint at the possibility that she’s wrong, and I’m also afraid of hurting her feelings because not only is she very sensitive, but she also tells me that everyone she knows is rude to her (not sure if that’s entirely true, but I have no reason to believe otherwise for now). There’s also the fact that initially I didn’t notice the signs of her being a stalker (I thought she was just afraid of losing that man’s love or something) until you folks pointed them out for me. So because she’s used to me sugarcoating things, that makes telling her the truth even harder. I guess I can lie to her about why I don’t want to talk to her, but 1) I want her to stop being stalkerish because it worries me and 2) I really don’t want to lie anymore. I’m not trying to be some kind of martyr or whatever by trying to help her – I just feel that, since I’m one of the few people she confides in constantly, I’m in a better position to help her change her ways. Maybe I have a bad approach to that, though.
As for my male friend, I have realized that I have been getting progressively closer to him ever since he moved to my state (because of hanging out with him more). This weekend I’ll see if I can hang out with him again (perhaps go on a hike because he loves hiking) and have a honest talk with him. So I guess, now that I think about it, the email will be unnecessary. Since we’re closer, maybe there’s a much lower chance of him being defensive. I guess I just have to see what happens when I talk to him (I’ll try my best to talk to him calmly and try not to offend him, but there’s only so much I can do I guess).
BTW, Argenti, thank you so much for your suggestions. You’re one of the most helpful people here.
neuroticbeagle – would have, ‘cept they were busy being Concerned Citizens when I let a STRANGER into the house (aka technician who has fixed my phone and internet lines, hooray!)
katz, I sooo wish I could help with your problem. I saw a darling black kitty, maybe 6 months old, for adoption at the vet today … sniff, sniffle, we don’t have enough kitties here. 🙁
Aaliyah, I can only echo Argenti at this point and say you are not her therapist, and that’s what this seems to be turning into. I don’t think there’s any way of easing out of it if she’s that bad; you might just have to end the connection, tell her you don’t want contact and be done with it, block her and so on.
@Kitteh
She’s like an acquaintance to me – I just talk to her. I don’t really consider her a friend in the typical sense. At the same time, though, I don’t necessarily want her dropped out of my life – I just want her to get better, stop being stalkerish, and respect my boundaries more. Maybe what I wish for is unreasonable, though.