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off topic open thread

Open Thread for Personal Stuff

Hugs for everyone who wants them.
Hugs for everyone who wants them.

I know a lot of Man Boobz regulars have been dealing with a lot of rough stuff lately, so I’m opening this thread up to provide a (relatively) safe space to discuss them. No trolls allowed; any trolls who post here will be put on moderation and possibly banned. (Please notify me by email (my last name at well dot com) if there are inaproppriate comments; I get behind in reading comments here.)

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pecunium
7 years ago

Mick Aston died. He was only 66. 🙁

pecunium
7 years ago

Which means he was my age when Time Team started.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

“Except I chipped my tooth with a vodka bottle the other day.”

That is all.

Cloudiah — glad your friend is doing better!

Pecunium — this month has just set out to make you feel old huh? Come visit, we can go play in Peabody’s discovery room. And yeah, you have to wait to get in, but nobody’s ever commented on me being the “kid” in the group ^.^

pecunium
7 years ago

Oh NOES! The Naïf is going to be scooped! Signs of language in Voynich Manuscript

katz
7 years ago

But they didn’t even mention that it might be music!

pecunium
7 years ago

Fade: Was that the damage to the tiny fibres thing, or something else? (I’ll do a link to the fibres paper if you want, but I’m wondering if that’s what’s eating my posts)

It wasn’t damage, but an overdensity; so that when temperature regulation kicks in the nerves get pinched by the vascular changes.

I understand about how you can’t work now. I have a different sort of pain-problem, and I know lots of people with some form of Fibro.

WalkingBugStick
WalkingBugStick
7 years ago

Congrats on the DOMA decision!! Woohoo! I cried alittle this morning at the news.

thebionicmommy
7 years ago

This isn’t a personal thing, but I thought it was interesting and didn’t want to derail from the other threads. James Toronto, some douche at The Wall Street Journal, accused Senator Claire McCaskill of making a “war on men” by investigating sexual assault in the military. He also said that her calling the victims survivors was “histrionic”. And he said that her concerns about stopping rape in the military was about “criminalizing male sexuality”.

So she gave him an excellent rebuttal

The highlight was

Mr. Taranto says that I’m involved in a crusade to “criminalize male sexuality.” For decades, from my time as a courtroom prosecutor and throughout my career in public service, I have indeed done my best to criminalize violence. And I have never subscribed to Mr. Taranto’s bizarre and deeply out of touch understanding of sexual assault as somehow being a two-way street between a victim and an assailant.

Mr. Taranto’s arguments contribute to an environment that purposely places blame in all the wrong places, and has made the current culture and status quo an obstruction to sorely needed change.

My colleagues and I are fighting not to criminalize men, but to bring the cowards who commit sexual assault to justice. And our fight won’t stop until we give the brave men and women of our military the resources and justice they deserve.

Give ’em hell, Claire!

thebionicmommy
7 years ago

Surprisingly, the comments section there seemed mostly reasonable. There were a few annoying MRA derailing attempts but it was mostly about Toronto’s article, McCaskill’s response, and the issue of sexual assault in the US military.

titianblue
titianblue
7 years ago

Came home from a lovely day out on Thursday to find my beloved Rosie-cat suffering a stroke/heart incident. Rushed her over to the vet but knew it was no use. On vet’s advice, had her put to sleep. I cried all the way home. My neighbours came round on Friday morning to help me bury her. I have 2 other cats and, like me, they are rather forlorn.

On a happier note, as we’d planned for several weeks, two college friends abandoned their families & came to stay for the weekend so we laughed and made silly jokes and had a wonderful time. It has been such a relief and a distraction.

Ally S
7 years ago

I kind of feel bad posting in this thread once again, but David probably isn’t going to make another one of these threads for a while. This is basically what has transpired recently.

In short, running away from home is going to be emotionally painful for my little sisters one way or another, and thinking about that is really distressing. Does anyone think it can ever be possible for me to reduce the consequences as much as possible? Because right now, I feel hopeless about the situation.

Also, does having health insurance under my father’s health insurance plan make way for the possibility of some kind of coercion in case I run away and he wants to reel me back towards him? If so, is there a way to “break free” from it, for lack of a better term?

cloudiah
7 years ago

Ally, my heart hurts for you. I want you to be safe and happy, and I genuinely don’t think that is in conflict with having your little sisters be happy and healthy, and having them have a good relationship (already well-established) with you.

I don’t know anything about the health insurance aspects; wish I did.

Hugs if you want them.

Ally S
7 years ago

Thanks, cloudiah. *reciprocates*

katz
7 years ago

Hugs for Aaliyah. Left you a reply with my longer thoughts.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Oh titanblue, your poor kitty!

Ally — I know fuck all about insurance in Cali, but can email pecunium fi you want, he lived there for years, he might know. For the rest…I have nothing useful, I’m sorry.

Like, this is why I’m not really out in places without the safety barrier of the internet, it isn’t worth it…but I’m lucky in that most of my family is used to me going “gender roles? Fuck that noise” so not being out =/= being totally closeted. I’m sorry I can’t be of any help.

One thing though, how old are they? They may be able to comprehend that you love them no matter what, but idk, if they’re really young they might cave to other relatives if said relatives insist you’re some horrible trans* person.

Ally S
7 years ago

Thanks, katz! (I keep gravitating towards capitalizing your name for some reason…)

@Argenti

One is 7, and the other is 8. They’re turning 8 and 9, respectively, this September. I know that’s kind of old, and they are decently smart for their age(s), but they can probably cave to pressure because they’re easily manipulated by authority figures.

I think one thing I can do is ask my older siblings to try to be a part of their lives; perhaps they could try to be there for them often enough to counter the indoctrination somehow. Probably wishful thinking, but it’s something I’ll consider.

katz
7 years ago

(I actually don’t care at all whether people capitalize my handle or not. I usually don’t but I am not consistent.)

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Aaliyah – what the first poster on your blog said. You’re not running away. You’re moving out. You’ll be doing it anyway when you go to university, and you’ll certainly be doing it at some point, because no way can you live permanently with your [deleted] father.

Your sisters are little kids and they’d be upset and not understand about a family member moving out regardless of the circumstances. You are not responsible for living their lives for them. Yes, you love them, yes, they’re kids, but this is down to a matter of preserving your own mental wellbeing, your physical safety and, when it comes to it, you actual self, your identiy – the person who is Aaliyah.

Fear of how your sisters may respond, or how your family may respond, can’t override that.

Ally S
7 years ago

katz, I replied to your comment. (I don’t know if anonymous commentators get email notifications and such. DW is kinda weird.)

@Kitteh

You’re right; I know that I’m out of appealing options here. I can’t do much to help them out because I need to do things for my own well-being.

I’m expressing these concerns because, well, I just wish I could have some kind of win-win situation. It just makes me really sad to think about. Even thinking about has made me constantly weepy this evening.

Speaking of university, I don’t know how UCSC is going to go for me. There’s a high chance I’ll be rejected because – in the most inconvenient timing ever – UCSC took its time to inform me that the college I’ve enrolled in wants the transcripts by tomorrow, even though I was told by other official sources that they want them by the 15th. So I’m not sure what’s going on. And then there’s that awful grade I got. And the fact that my father won’t let me move close to or on campus unless I have some Muslim roomate(s) (who he PERSONALLY has to meet – seriously!). In fact, just because of his very unfair expectations for living close to campus, that might be sufficient to delay my attendance at UCSC – because taking the bus and train is abysmally inconvenient and unfeasible.

Sometimes I feel that not going to UCSC is in my interest, though. I mean, I’m probably still going to be closely monitored somehow.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Okay, WHEN did they inform you? Was it by email or post? You need to let them know you only found out today!

If you don’t get in there, are there other educational options?

katz
7 years ago

Call them! Call admissions ASAP and explain! Like tomorrow, which is probably today by now.

Ally S
7 years ago

Just found out some more stuff. Well, yes, they do need the transcripts by July 1st, but it looks like I can just send them my unofficial transcript, which simplifies a lot of things for me. I can easily do that in a few minutes.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

What katz said! Call them! As for your siblings…yeah, they’re going to take it personally either way. Just stick with telling them you love them, you aren’t leaving them, you’ll visit (and then do).

And I really, really hate to say this, I was hoping you’d get a bit older and have your situation more squared away before you had to face this…but win-win situations for trans* people, especially trans* women, are really rare. You make it the best you can, pick what battles are worth fighting, but often there is no perfect solution (really, that goes for life in general, but particularly so when you’re someone society would rather ignore).

Whatever you do, whether it’s UCSC, find friends who’ll support you. The real you, not the boy mode you put on to please your father. Pecunium’s cool, and knows the area, he might know some trans* friendly places (and if nothing else, I speak from experience here when I say he’s willing to lend a shoulder). We’ll all support you, but yeah, you may end up needing couch space. And uh, if things get to the point you start thinking about actually running away, take your ID, social security card and birth certificate.

And I officially suck at anything resembling cheery advice >.< *hands her some tissues* I do have this bit of cheeriness in this gloom, everybody here is here for you.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Then get the to a kinkos and fax that shit!

katz
7 years ago

You can also fax for free from your computer on sites like this one.

katz
7 years ago

Whatever you do, don’t just give up because you got a bad grade or whatever. Never assume that a school/job/etc won’t want you; always let them decide.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

What Argenti said. So much more I want to add but it’s likely to sound either patronising or out of line if I do.

Ally S
7 years ago

Oh, thanks for the help you two, but it turns out that they allow me to send those documents via email. So I’m just doing it right now since I have the time to do so.

Ally S
7 years ago

@Kitteh

You’re one of the nicest folks here; you’re the last person I’d call patronizing or out of line! =P Just saying.

Ally S
7 years ago

@Argenti

Kinkos doesn’t exist anymore – at least not here. We just have FedEx. I think Kinkos and FedEx merged or something.

Kind of sad to me – I loved the name Kinkos V_V

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Thank you, Aaliyah! I feel so RAAAARGH Killer Aunty when I read the shit your father does, I want to stab him with my knitting needles* or fill throw all the legos in his path or something.

*they’re plastic, not really that dangerous

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Huh, they’re still FedEx/kinko’s here…but yeah, they merged. Anyways, w00t for email transcripts!

auggziliary
7 years ago

I agree with pretty much what everyone else said. I’m sorry you have to move out. And that your dad treats you like that. Your sisters are going to be sad no matter what I guess. Eventually you will be able to talk to them and tell them what happened though, so its not like they’ll suddenly hate you forever. They’ll understand.

Colleges are much more welcoming to different people, and I don’t just mean trans* people. I’m sure you’ll be able to find other things to be welcomed in that you weren’t before.
Even though moving out is really painful, it’s necessary for you. Keeping mentally healthy should be a first priority.

Ally S
7 years ago

What katz said! Call them! As for your siblings…yeah, they’re going to take it personally either way. Just stick with telling them you love them, you aren’t leaving them, you’ll visit (and then do).

And I really, really hate to say this, I was hoping you’d get a bit older and have your situation more squared away before you had to face this…but win-win situations for trans* people, especially trans* women, are really rare. You make it the best you can, pick what battles are worth fighting, but often there is no perfect solution (really, that goes for life in general, but particularly so when you’re someone society would rather ignore).

Whatever you do, whether it’s UCSC, find friends who’ll support you. The real you, not the boy mode you put on to please your father. Pecunium’s cool, and knows the area, he might know some trans* friendly places (and if nothing else, I speak from experience here when I say he’s willing to lend a shoulder). We’ll all support you, but yeah, you may end up needing couch space. And uh, if things get to the point you start thinking about actually running away, take your ID, social security card and birth certificate.

And I officially suck at anything resembling cheery advice >.< *hands her some tissues* I do have this bit of cheeriness in this gloom, everybody here is here for you.

You’re right. Win-win situations are highly unlikely for me, even more so because I’m very political and my passion for social justice is the main motivator in my life. I’ll probably run into even more estrangement as my life goes on because I just can’t please everyone – whether it’s about politics or my personal identity.

Speaking of Pecunium, he has much appreciation from me – it was him who introduced me to the person who has offered to help me find a place to run to.

As for my personal information, I do have everything I need in my room. If for some reason Ieave home without it (which I really want to avoid, of course, because I don’t want to face more coercion), my brother can give it all to me in person.

As I’ve said before, I really value your advice, so please don’t worry if it’s not cheery. I often interpret your posts as cheery, anyway, unless they’re obviously negative. (I’m not sure why – I think it has something to do with your writing style.) Thanks a lot, Argenti. ^_^

auggziliary
7 years ago

Also colleges have counselors and stuff that you can talk to. Idk if that’s exciting for you but I was for me since I have depression so sometimes I just need someone to talk to, even if its only like 10 minutes of advice for managing my work.

Kittehserf
7 years ago

I’ll probably run into even more estrangement as my life goes on because I just can’t please everyone – whether it’s about politics or my personal identity.

Nobody can please everyone and nobody should have to try. It’s not something you need to blame yourself for or apologise for, least of all in advance. You don’t owe people a duty to please them!

Speaking of Pecunium, he has much appreciation from me – it was him who introduced me to the person who has offered to help me find a place to run move to.

You. Are. Not. Running. Away.

Can the self-blaming, infantilising language, woman! (Yeah, I know, easier said than done, but I’m in fierce aunty mode now, I warn ya.)

auggziliary
7 years ago

Is UCSC the one in Santa Cruz?
Idk if I’m being too involvolved, but if you need to find LGBT resources, I found this: http://queer.ucsc.edu/resources/trans/ucsc/index.html

I know that’s probably something you know about already since its the first result on google for “ucsc trans*”, but just in case…
Also most Universities have anti bullying rules, so don’t be scared of any sort of trans* bullying, if it does happen then report it.

(Sorry if I’m being really unhelpful, I didn’t realize you we’re going through all this Ally… Even if I’m not helping and you already know all this, I guess it’s just a reminder that you’re making the right decision by moving out).

Ally S
7 years ago

@auggziliary

I do know about the LGBT center at UCSC, but thank you for reminding me about it. And even if you weren’t being helpful, I still really appreciate your desire to help. So no worries.

@Kitteh

Oops. Yeah, I need to stop phrasing it that way. I understand your contempt for saying it like that. I guess it just comes up in my mind automatically since I’m used to thinking about other kids “running away” (just grew up with that phrasing, perhaps).

Anyway, unofficial transcript has been sent. Talking to everyone here tonight (or, rather, this morning) made me feel a lot better. Earlier I was actually crying, but the people here have really cheered me up, such that I think I’ll be able to sleep easier now. Thanks. =]

I should probably get some shut-eye now. I’m going to regret going to work with only 5 hours of sleep. X_X Night!

Kittehserf
7 years ago

Not contempt – just me trying to push it a bit (picture me wagging finger here). Contempt isn’t involved in stuff you say or do!

Niters and sleep well!

Ally S
7 years ago

Oh, one more thing – there is still a possibility that I’ll be able to stay at my siblings’ places for a little while, but for various reasons, I can’t really count on that as a possibility. In any case, I just want to plan for the worst, because with the way things currently are, the worst can arrive very quickly. To be cliche, I don’t want to be a fish out of water if I’m forced to move out. I have reasons to believe why this is the case, but it’s a lot to explain and, of course, I need to sleep. Night again!

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Here’s the thing with fish out of water, if they’re only for a little while, they recover just fine 🙂

And yes I mean that literally, I’ve had a few jumpers in my day! “Fish out of water” makes it sound like you’re totally screwed and helpless, but it’s more like kinda screwed until friends come along and right the situation (I like it in other words, though I assume people have a certain knowledge of actual fish actually out of water!)

G’night though!

And kitteh — I think she meant actually run to, as in, a couch to crash on if she needs to split NOW (at least it wouldn’t surprise me any, the last time I Could Not Fucking Deal with my father he said he could probably work something out if I needed to get away from here, he’s cool like that). Yeah, college isn’t running away, but with her father it seems a good idea to have a plan in case she actually needs to run away. (Am I making sense?)

In random things, apparently the Spanish peninsula is also full of white people. I feel like a very ginorant American right now (lol, USian, since apparently Hispanic people are mostly South American…)

Kittehserf
7 years ago

I was taking Aaliyah’s meaing as moving out because she mentions planning for it on her blog – and I was agreeing with a commenter there on the implications of running away as something naughty a child does* rather than moving out as an adult does. I could be wrong about that, of course!

*and as MGTOW always threaten to do but never damnwell follow up on.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Kitteh — yeah I get that, and by and large agree. But uh, sometimes actually running is the best option…LGBT youth rejected by family, all sorts of DV situations, etc. (Today in things you already know >.< )

Kittehserf
7 years ago

I’m not saying getting the hell out isn’t best/necessary/only reasonable option at all – it’s the term “running away” as in “running away from home” that has the kiddie connotations the reader on Aaliyah’s blog pointed out. There’s nothing kiddyish about getting out of her situation, whether it’s something done with plenty of forward planning or something that has to be done really quickly.

auggziliary
7 years ago

I don’t think it’s fair to paint all cases of running away as “naughty”, since that is a sign of some serious problems, like abuse, and it should be investigated. If Ally were under 18 then it would be running away, but that doesn’t make her some spoiled brat.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

RE: Ally

Hey, I actually know a system from your area, who went though something similar, having to bolt from a fundamentalist abusive family. They probably know some resources, and stuff like insurance and such. Would you like me to get y’all in touch?

Also, regarding younger siblings… run. Just run. Sometimes, you can’t save everybody. Just run.

Ally S
7 years ago

@LBT

Thanks for the offer, but I’m already in touch with someone Pecunium knows. And just last night, someone I know from Santa Cruz offered to let me couch-surf at her apartment if I need to.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

RE: Ally S

Okay. Good luck to you!

Kittehserf
7 years ago

auggz – it’s the term, not the people doing it. I think it has implications it shouldn’t. Flight, escape are the same things, but don’t carry the suggestions “running away” does, which do an injustice to the people having to flee, I think.

LBT
LBT
7 years ago

RE: Kittehserf

I’m partial to the phrase, “I’m not running away; I’m walking away VERY QUICKLY,” myself.