Longtime readers of Man Boobz may remember “Ferdinand Bardamu,” the pseudonymous blogger behind the thoroughly despicable In Mala Fide blog. How despicable? Well, once upon a time, “Bardamu” wrote a post with the lovely title “The Necessity of Domestic Violence,” in which he set forth the proposition that “[w]omen should be terrorized by their men; it’s the only thing that makes them behave better than chimps.” Yeah. It was that kind of a blog. You can find some more of Bardamu’s terrible thoughts in the MB archives.
You may also remember that Bardamu took down his blog about a year ago, and seemingly vanished from the face of the earth.
Except it now turns out he hasn’t been gone at all. Indeed, he’s been hiding in plain sight the whole time. For, just about the same time that Bardamu vanished off the face of the earth, a new and almost-if-not-quite-as-thoroughly-despicable new Manospere blogger appeared, writing under his real name: Matt Forney.
He’s perhaps best known for a post in which he “jokingly” offered advice on how to get away with rape by murdering your victim. Ha ha! What a card! (Ultimately, Forney deleted his post, and offered a half-hearted, feminist-baiting “apology” for it.)
Forney came out as the Artist Formerly Known As Ferdinand Bardamu on his blog last week.
His explanation for his vanishing act? In part, he explained, it was because he had started getting disgusted by some of his own followers. “Surround yourself with the worst humanity has to offer and it will inevitably wear on you,” he wrote.
It got to the point where I dreaded reading my own site because it was becoming dominated by basement dwelling neo-Nazis, MRA permavirgins and other losers I would never bother with in real life.
As much as I hate people who bitch about “hatred” and “negativity,” they were right in the end: I didn’t want to be associated with those freaks.
Yep, the rank and file of the right-wing Manosphere actually disgusts the guy who came up with “[w]omen should be terrorized by their men; it’s the only thing that makes them behave better than chimps.” Yikes.
Yurg. Why (oh, why) does my name sometimes come up as Gillian and sometimes as gilly?
Ah well… more vodka is definitely the prescription, and soon I won’t care about the answer.
cloudiah, how are you doing? I meant to add a hearty amen to your “cancer sucks” post the other day. All my sympathies are belong to you.
Purest luck about the soundtrack, my computer’s on mute and I didn’t hear it! 😀
Have a look at cloudiah’s latest blog entry for real laughs, gillyrosebee. I cracked up reading it this morning.
O! M! G! Poo cakes!
Carly brings up a very good point, and one that’s been consuming me lately. MRAs are kinda like BP oil, in that even a tiny pinpoint source seems to unleash a flood that coats everything with toxic goo, but how many of them are there, really? I’m very curious as to the demographics of the movement, and how many of their ideas gain currency outside of the core of the movement. Maybe there are only really a small number of them, but they like sockpuppeting and so it makes them seem as if they are more prevalent than they actually are.
Well, we actually got good news re: friend #1 with breast cancer. It had spread to her spine, but after a couple of rounds of chemotherapy things are looking pretty good on the cancer front. However, the nerve damage she suffered may be permanent, and she’s having a hard time dealing with it. She’s resilient, though, and today when I visited her I was able to convince her to offload a bunch of little responsibilities onto me so she can focus on her physical therapy. And since she can’t get PT on the weekends, we spent a little time trying to recreate her exercises. And I played her all the funny videos you guys sent, so even though she has no idea what Man Boobz is, you’ve helped raise her spirits.
On to book suggestions: Her mental focus isn’t great, but she’d love some non-fiction books to read. She’s interested in science. Anyone know any decent science-related books that cover topics in article-sized chunks? I left her with a book about the Galapagos islands, which (a) pretty pictures and (b) short chapters, and also the Tina Fey book because she likes her and hasn’t read it. I’m about to go on vacation for two weeks, but I have minions I can use to deliver books to her. (Come on, all feminists have minions.) 😀
And the poopcakes with the little hats on them? So much laughage.
First, I thinks they’ve got way more…sort of supporters. People who hear about divorce bias and comment, people who drop by for the anti-circumcision talk, and, of course, the whiny teenaged boys who’ll grow up soon enough. And then a hopefully fairly small number of rabidly anti-women MRAs.
Honestly though, most of the time I see it as a win. Cranky privileged (cis straight white) men are being crankier than ever, about the gains feminism has achieved. As in, feminism is getting even done to piss off entitled idiots. And there are way, way, more men who’re either “dude, stop talking about my sister/mother/wife/friend/etc like that” or “meh, you guys have no points, can I go back to my game now?” — or just all around bigots, but that’s a whole ‘another kettle of fish!
Second, it’s a bit stale now, but Minty had a long ass tirade over here — http://manboobz.com/2013/04/24/saruman-vs-the-shtlords/comment-page-1/#comment-290927 — it’s hardly worth the read though. Otoh, my mother actually had to stop me while I was explaining it and ask how many people actually know much about the plague, boy was it fun — “doesn’t matter! You’re unconsciously wired to seek men who’d survive it!” “…I need coffee before you tell me these things”
claudiah, I’m not sure if it counts as science per se, but has she read Botany of Desire by Michael Pollan? That and Wicked Plants helped me get through my treatments. Well, that and I developed a strange addiction to Nathaniel Philbrick’s narratives of ship voyages and Antarctic exploration.
Cloudiah, your friend probably needs some beauty. The Dancing Wu Li Masters is an overview of new physics for lay people. There’s some Zen, but that never hurts when going through a personal trial. Here’s a sample: http://www.harpercollins.com/browseinside/index.aspx?isbn13=9780060959685
Today I received an email from my dad telling me that he is very proud of me getting into UCSC. He also told me that he doesn’t want me to move to Santa Cruz until I’m in my senior year at UCSC. And on the phone he told me to start looking for religious Muslim men as roommates.
He didn’t make me feel loved or happy when he told me about how proud he was – he just made me feel worse because I know that one day he’s going to be severely disappointed in me when I come out to him. I also felt horrible because my dream of moving away from conservative religious people will remain a dream once again if I really am pushed to live with devoutly religious roommates. And what was even worse was him saying that he wants me to move next year, not this year. I was so overwhelmed by what he told me that I cried for almost an hour, the most I’ve cried in months. I hate how my life is full of these ups and downs. I know that everyone goes through them but I feel like I never have peace in my life these days. I just want a break from everything for once.
Also, I know that several nice people here have suggested that I stay at other people’s houses, couch-surf, stay at co-ops, etc. but all of that is but a dream for me. My father won’t let me live at any such place. Not unless I run away from home or something, which is the last thing I want to do as that would put me in a very difficult situation. It’s still an option, but only a last-resort one that I’ll go for if I’m forced out of the house for some reason.
Now I’m really hoping that my sister finds a job in Santa Cruz so I can stay with her there and contribute to the rent. Otherwise things are looking as bleak as ever for me. HRT remains yet another dream because of my current circumstances. I feel hopeless.
Oh, and I just want to say that this is one of the best feminist communities I’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting. Thank you everyone for being very supportive. And if I’m starting to get annoying by coming around here posting life updates, please let me know.
Is it worth trying to sell him on the idea that commuting to university would have a negative impact on your academic performance? Which isn’t even a lie – it probably would, even without all the other stuff going on.
“Oh, and I just want to say that this is one of the best feminist communities I’ve ever had the pleasure of visiting.”
I agree. Totally.
About your problem, listen to Cassandra, her suggestion is very good.
I guess I can tell him that, although I’m not very optimistic about his response. And even if I convinced him about living near or on campus, I would still face the problem of convincing him that it’s okay if I stay with non-Muslim roommates.
But I’ll talk to him when I have the energy to do so. Right now I just feel lost and aimless.
Aaliyah, you are not at all annoying.
I agree with CassandraSays; it may be worth raising the effect on your academic performance. How are you set financially, if you had to completely distance yourself from your father? Would other family members help?
Most. Important. Thing! If your father ends up disappointed in you, that is entirely on him. You haven’t done anything to disappoint anyone.
Jedi hugs, if they’re wanted.
Aaliyah, I want to apologize in advance because I’ve not been following as closely as usual lately and so I’m behind things in pretty much all possible ways. If I say something that comes across as ignorant based on unfamiliarity with your situation, please accept my apologies in advance!
That said, don’t feel that you have to come out to your father right away if doing so makes you unsafe. Your own safety and personal security is of the utmost importance, and so if letting your family have the ‘wrong’ idea about you keeps you safe then keep reminding yourself (as hard as it is) to keep and protect your own integrity above all else.
Have you looked into creating a shell identity that allows you to maintain your relationship with your family while at the same time being true to your needs and beliefs? Could you maintain a post office box or connection with a social organization that provides you a level of anonymity vis a vis your family while you seek living arrangements that satisfy your physical needs? Couch surfing with the right people can be wonderfully freeing…
When I escaped my family situation, maintaining a stable point of anonymous contact that prevented my family from finding out anything about my life while still allowing me to keep in contact with them as needed/desired pretty much saved my sanity. And I did that in the 90s. I would imagine that there are an even wider range of opportunities out there, what with current technologies, it could just be that you haven’t found the best ones for you yet…
And it’s okay to feel lost and aimless for a while. Conserve your energy.
I don’t know if you saw, but if worst comes to worst, Pecunium said he knows some folks in the area and you can contact him through his blog.
And we’re all here for you.
“He didn’t make me feel loved or happy when he told me about how proud he was – he just made me feel worse because I know that one day he’s going to be severely disappointed in me when I come out to him. ”
You’ve probably heard this before, and it will take a lot to undo the guilt and desire for approval, but may I just say his approval is not worth having? He’s so many things you despise, and rightly: abusive, ignorant, reactionary. The accident of genetics doesn’t make him a fit person to judge you. Even if you were cis male, you’d never be good enough, because he’s an abuser and that’s his whole schtick, he’s trying to control people all the time. Fuck him, he’s a piece of shit. I know that’s hella easy for me to say from across the world, and it doesn’t help you in the practical business of getting away from him (will it make a difference when you’re legally an adult, as I’m guessing you’re not yet?) but it needs to be said.
Would it be worth suggesting that you live in the dorms? It might be cheaper, and he’d have a lot less control over your roomate situation (and everything else) that way. If I was trying to sell that idea I’d emphasize the fact that it makes it easier to make friends, and also to find study buddies, access the library, and so on. I think the key here is going to be not selling the idea in a way that doesn’t directly confront his ideas about what he thinks you should be living like but works around them instead. The minute he hears what sounds like defiance he’s going to double down and get stricter, so it would be more effective to work around that response. I think he feels like he’s losing control over you, so anything that sounds like defiance will just make him worse.
Yeah Aaliyah. Play the overachiever card. How you can’t wait to learn and excell. Stress how excited you are to concentrate on your studies.
Also! “I want to live on campus” can very easily be spun as “I don’t even intend to have a social life, I’m just there to study, see how diligent I am”.
At this time I depend completely on my father. I don’t have any job. But I’m working on getting a job through web development – I’ve made a lot of progress in learning about all the important web technologies out there. I can’t expect to get a 60k salary job or anything, but I at least want to get my feet off the ground. My current goal is to get a job by the end of this year. I know that sounds ridiculous to some people, but I at least want to try.
Anyway, I just asked him. He told me that he doesn’t want me to because he wants to pay for it and he doesn’t have enough funds for me living close to campus at the moment. In his own words, “It’s not the end of the world if you have to take the bus.” I tried to tell him about how it could affect my academic performance, but he just kept interrupting me as if I had nothing important to say.
BTW, the reason I’m advocating working around the dad rather than confronting or openly defying him is that if Aaliyah thinks that defying him might be dangerous, she’s probably right. I think it pays to trust your instincts, and if something feels unsafe and there’s a safer way to approach it, that may be the best route to try first.
OTOH, if and when you hit the point where you just need to get out, let us know, and we’ll try to help you do that.
That is… not ridiculous at all, not in any way, shape or form. Keep working at your dad, though. Also, is there a councilor on campus you could speak to? Maybe they could help you find some extra funding, or a waiver, to live in a dorm? As a product of the UC system, I can say that there are many there who will try dilligently help if asked…
Check out your options (there might be something that could be used to supplement his financial support):
http://financialaid.ucsc.edu/index.html
And good point, CassandraSays.
I’m 18, so that makes me a legal adult.
I wish I could just forsake him just like that, but he’s my still my father, and that matters not because I care too much about genetics or because I want his approval. It’s because I can’t bear the thought of being estranged from him. He is an extremely unpleasant person but my heart breaks at the thought of being estranged from him.