Regular readers of this blog, for better or worse, know one thing that makes “Men’s Human Rights Activist” Paul Elam’s penis happy: The prospect of harassing feminists. He is, after all, the man who wrote of one feminist that “that the idea of fucking your shit up gives me an erection.”
Now Mr. Elam has given us a rather more complete account of what it is that pleases his penis. I’m not sure there was any great demand for this information, but he has chosen to release it, and so here we are.
In a post with the tasteful title “on tits, ass and fucktards,” Elam informs the world that he is in fact a fan of the first two items in this list – that is, tits and ass. He is also, he goes on to explain, a lover of
Sorry, I have to stop for a moment to remind you that you are about to read about things that give Paul Elam — yes THAT Paul Elam — a boner.
I will not think any less of you if you stop reading right here.
If you are ready and willing to continue, here we go:
I like well-formed thighs that lead up to the promise land, and smooth knees above shapely calves. Of course, all that combined with a woman’s pretty face is a crowning glory; full lips that promise supple kisses and great blow jobs, clear eyes and unblemished skin. All this combines to make a woman utterly fuckable, and visually that is what I like most of all. I like to look at women that are little fuckmuffins.
Yes, he actually wrote all that, attached his name to it, and posted it for other people to see.
But as much as Elam likes to look at “little fuckmuffins” he does not actually seem to like most of them very much.
After roughly 150 words devoted mostly to cataloguing his favorite female body parts, Elam evidently runs out of nice things to say about women, and so he returns again to his favorite pastime, devoting the bulk of the post to a rant explaining how much he hates “feminist fucktards,” traditionalist women, and women with Facebook accounts.
While happy enough with “fuckmuffins [who] are sexually liberated and adventurous” and who “like to please and be pleased,” Elam informs the world that he feels no such love for all those awful “fuckmuffins” who “liv[e] life with prudish sticks up their asses made from the same wood that forms the chips on their shoulders.”
He’s also mighty pissed at all those who aren’t interested in hearing him expound at length on what his penis likes.
Of the now almost endless list of things that have grown annoyingly stupid and sanctimonious about feminism is the Victorianesque shaming of my sexual programming as a man. Even with the so called “sex positive” feminists, the most hypocritical assholes of them all, the only positive sexuality they embrace is that of women. To them, male sexuality, in all its glory, is something to be buried, controlled and allowed to surface only when it serves the sexual needs of some narcissistic, horny, self-absorbed little “sex positive” princess.
Unfortunately, more traditional-minded women aren’t much interested in hearing about his penis either. And for some reason they, like feminists, think that there might be some sort of connection between men and rape.
Who are those traditionalists? You will know them by their obsequious silence while feminists shame men for committing the scurrilous act of looking at women sexually. Or better yet, as they join in with their “men can stop rape” bedfellows to twist and distort the natural inclinations of young men with Puritan sexual guilt that marches in lockstep with the feminist hatred of male sexuality.
Elam stops for a moment to reassure his readers that despite all that stuff about “well-formed thighs” and blow-job lips he prefers Good Women to mere “fuckmuffins.”
Now, all that being said, is woman-as-fuckmuffin all I care about? Hardly. As a matter of fact, I would throw fuckmuffin to the curb faster than you can say “patriarchy” to spend time with a woman of good character and intelligence. I have learned in life that my dick has a healthy agenda for humanity, but not necessarily for me. So as my values have matured, so has my taste in women.
Heck, it turns out he actually sort of hates “fuckmuffin.” After all, he tells us,
fuckmuffin … is prone to act indignant when she feels sexualized (by the wrong guy). She can become so angry at being “objectified” that you can see her tits shake right through that tight sweater with the neckline that plunges to the vicinity of her toes.
And then he compares her to a bug:
Time and experience will lead [men] to understand that fuckmuffin should be regarded with same respect as you would afford a stinging insect.
Basically, he explains, the only problem with lustful young men who ogle women is that they haven’t learned to hate women enough quite yet. And so women shouldn’t complain when young guys stare at them. Or when they don’t. As far as I can figure it, he thinks women shouldn’t ever complain about anything.
Leave [young men] the fuck alone. There is nothing wrong with them. Nothing needs to be fixed. If you want to help a young man like that, just start encouraging him to connect the dots between fuckmuffin’s propensity to take her own picture and post it to Facebook four times a day and her ultimate tendency to make him miserable. Eventually he will get the connection. And if he doesn’t, maybe that makes him happy. Either way, it is none of your fucking business.
And so ends what’s probably the strangest work of erotica I think I’ve ever read.
Following what Bagelsan said – if you like wearing them, adding a headband or pretty cap is a great way to look more feminine, and it’s something small enough to be easier to hide at home, and just put on when you’re away from your family.
@Shadow, really? On the Toronto victim? How upsetting.
Aaliyah, I’m really sorry your dad made you cut your hair. That is totally unfair of him. I’m not sure I have any good suggestions. I wear hats a lot and when you wear a hat, it’s amazing how long your hair can get without people noticing, but that might not be your thing and I wouldn’t want you to feel like the only way you could have the hair you liked was by hiding it. But at least your hair grows fast. I am sure that you will have long beautiful hair someday.
It breaks my heart how many people I know who are living with abusive or controlling parents. I wish you could all come stay with me. FWIW, I do happen to be related to a GLBT activist in San Fransisco, and if you were ever looking for help dealing with your dad and/or finding alternate accommodations, I could always ask him if he knew anyone who could help (he knows everyone). It’s not much but you can consider it a standing offer.
Absolutely unhelpful if he’d actually force you to cut it, either by literal force or threats, but mine’s long enough I can literally grab it and tell people off about how it’s attached to my head, I don’t go telling them what to do with their hair! Your father doesn’t seem the sort that’d take that well (hell, that’d probably have gotten me slapped ten years ago, certainly don’t want to endanger you!)
Barring anything like that, go with kitteh’s suggestion and get something short and androgynous? I had the Ryder in Girl Interrupted cut for awhile, let it grow out because I hate getting my hair cut, but something like that could pass as androgynous and be styled male-ish for work/him and female-ish when not at work. Or go super short, would you be okay with presenting as a butch woman? Might be easier to get away with since the style is already fairly masculine (which you probably aren’t comfortable with, but I figured I’d throw it out there)
Ad I wish you the best, sounds like your immediate family is really not going to let you even bend gender roles, forget present as female. Good luck!
With short hair you can go almost too girly on the styling and still look chic, I think. ^^
Ex. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_J0qtANrmnk4/S8noEjgO0XI/AAAAAAAAA2g/7Nv5A5CVfCc/s400/headband1.jpg
Oh and ask again the next time pecunium is around, I know he grew his hair out the moment he retired from the army. Granted he’s not living with his parents or anything of the sort, but he might have ideas how to argue that long hair is perfectly professional. (Honestly, not going to work with your father, but just keep it tied back and the vast majority of places don’t care, certainly not tech jobs)
Even by tech standards the Bay Area (where Aaliyah is) is super laid back. I really can’t imagine any company freaking out over the cut she had before even if she was in a customer-facing job like sales, much less a technical position.
Now I’m just having fun googling girly short hair: http://www.dressitup.ca/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/headband-with-rhinestones.png
Bagelsan, that’s a really pretty cut. And yeah, totally OTT decoration. 🙂
@Aaliyah
I have some suggestions on how to have long hair that will pass as more masculine, but I don’t know if that’s helpful to you.
@cloudiah
Yeah. It was someone I was quite attracted to as well. Thank god that came to nothing.
Aaliyah, that second pic looks like one you could use – brushing it different ways for different effects, masculine or feminine. It’s almost like a better-cut version of the one your dad inflicted on you.
Following up on katz’s point – I know that your current situation sucks, but one potential thing to look forward to is that when you’re ready to move out there’s an entire community full of GLBT-friendly people waiting for you. There’s a reason people are willing to pay such ridiculous rents to live here – it’s a good place, overall, and people are far less inclined to gender police than in many other places.
Yeah, that’s what we’re telling you. You just got the wrong trope as the predominant one.
Citation, please, in terms of what they do. What is “bitchy” behavior? Because someone who is convinced cheating men are portrayed as worse than cheating women and also calls people bitches as a descriptor is not someone I am inclined to believe.
This reminds me of the 21 days of Bond me and my dad are watching, where Bond is continuously portrayed as a sex-depraved monster.
Oh wait, he’s not. He’s portrayed as a stud. The girls he sleeps with are objects who often get fridged with not a second thought. (Especially in GoldFinger)
At least Pecunium could break the kneecaps of anyone who said long hair wasn’t masculine enough XD
And totally n-ing that pixie cuts can be totally cute and feminine! They look great with dark hair. Maybe you could get a style that you can comb differently to make it look more boyish or more feminine?
First, the brain-bleach:
Now, to the topic of cheating, and gender-biased reactions to it:
As usual, there’s a lot of unpacking to do. What you have to remember is that these guys have a fundamental break in their thinking–they simultaneously deny any sexual agency in women, AND believe that they’re all slutty mcsluts. It’s self-evident that both can’t be true, but this is where the break occurs.
So, in order to try and bridge the gap between their thinking and something akin to reality, they go watch Maurie Povich. (No, please, stick with me here.)
As anyone who has ever watched that show can attest, one of the most common shows is “Did he/she cheat on her/him?” (It’s worth noting that very, very occasionally, they’ll have a homosexual couple on. It’s so rare, though, that finding a pattern outside of the universally exploitative nature of the show is difficult. Although I will say they seem to love “Lisa says she thinks her girlfriend cheated on her–with a MAN,” so, yay, heteronormativity?)
Now, when a guy is suspected of cheating, the most common show consists of him being strapped to a lie detector.* This then leads to the big scene where they read off the results of the test. When a woman is suspected of cheating, though, it’s ALWAYS about the baby, and the DNA test to confirm paternity. Over several seasons (look, it’s what runs in the lunchroom at work), I saw countless shows, and only 1 time did I ever see a woman suspected of cheating take a lie-detector test.
So male infidelity was about sleeping around and having sex. Female infidelity was only important in that they wound up getting the man to support a child that wasn’t his. I’m sure THAT attitude sounds familiar to the regulars here, yeah?
This, by-the-by, explains why some-but-not-all female celebrities are given a relative pass in the media when they get caught cheating (the big example that jumps to my mind is Demi Moore). Celebrities are, pretty much universally, well-off. They can afford medical care, and contraception. Thus, it’s pretty much unheard of to hear, “That kid isn’t mine!” from the male half of a celebrity couple. So long as the wife is the one who is famous, with the husband simply being there, then people are willing to side with her. (Of course, if they’re, say, peers, then we get the Atkinson/Stewart situation. Suddenly, the ONLY thing that matters is the woman’s infidelity again.)
* Side-rant: I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised at this, but the show claims an utterly absurd rate of accuracy for the lie detector tests–96%. Even the FBI tends to clock it in around 80% for their tests.
Thanks everyone. The idea of wearing a hairband stuck out to me – I’ve always loved how hairbands look. Maybe a red or black hairband would suit me.
@Shadow
Please do tell.
@Argenti
Part of me is scared of his anger, and part of me really wants to do what you said. Even though he probably wouldn’t take it well. I’m so sick of him having all this control over me.
Not all of my family is like that, but most of the ones I live with are like that.
Awww the kitty and butterfly!
“At least Pecunium could break the kneecaps of anyone who said long hair wasn’t masculine enough XD”
Oh well, didn’t need that cup of tea anyway …
Oh, and Aaliyah: I’m afraid your situation is so far beyond my experience that I’m reluctant to offer even well-meaning advice. You have my sympathies, and my hopes that some way opens up to you.
Wow, it’s called the Madonna/Whore Complex, EP. And it’s sooooo fucking ’50’s.
Does he know he’s gross? He is.
I studied pop culture for a living (and academically), and I’m pretty sure old guy/young chick is a Hollywood norm. Ally Sheedy was once told she was too old to play the girlfriend of a male lead who was over 15-years older than her. Same with Regina King, Sela Ward. On occassion, producers prove they’re not so small-minded. But, those times are exceptions — Susan Sarandon being one of them.
Usually older chick/ young guy is played for laughs. I can make a list, but I’m a little tipsy right now. Irrational hate for any wife on a AMC drama is the norm…and it’s fucked up. Look: http://popwatch.ew.com/2012/07/16/worst-amc-wife/
I mean, it’s fucking ridiculous.
Aaliyah, since you have more accepting family members, maybe one could act as an intermediary? It might be easier to get someone else to stand up to your dad instead of having to do it yourself.
Aaliyah — I wish you luck, but if his anger scares you, trust your gut. Good luck!
@Aaliyah
I’m speaking on what I’ve found to be deemed “acceptable” by the South Asian immigrant communities I’ve been around (I’m not sure if your family is South Asian or Middle Eastern, but there’s usually a lot of overlap in norms). One suggestion is to keep bangs short, or not have bangs at all. Another is to keep your sides trimmed, especially around the curve of your ears. Also, if you think your father will object to hairbands, you might have some luck with wearing sweatbands (although if he’s trying to use “professionalism” as a justification this might be a useless suggestion).
@Faze http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheUnfairSex
And aside from TomBCat’s list, I don’t see any solid proof that female cheaters are predominately portrayed more sympathetically than male cheaters.
As for what qualifies as “bitchy behavior?” Naturally, I’m not talking about how the wife rightfully snaps back at their husbands’ assholish antics, but rather mean, hurtful behavior w/o good reason.
Family Guy: First written to be a down-to-earth and kind character, she became cruel and callous. Raped him twice and hit his face with a frying pan in order to stop him from tickling her once.
American Dad: Francine has had notable wild, violent tendencies toward Stan; once beat him mercilessly for forgetting their wedding anniversary, and once threatened to shoot him kneecaps off for another deception.
Debra from Everybody Loves Raymond and Carrie from King of Queens – both physically (smacking, hitting, shoving) and verbally abusive to their husbands.
I feel silly for referencing a kids’ show on this, but iCarly has shades of this, too with Sam and Freddie (not married, but still).
And yes, the disposability of the Bond girls is definitely misogynistic. That doesn’t invalidate that guys can be virgin-shamed all of a sudden.
tb;dr.
(Too boring;didn’t read. We like to innovate here at manboobz.)
On the “Mrs. Robinson” example that came up earlier, an interesting fact that suggests a lot about how Hollywood treats actors and actresses of various ages: Dustin Hoffman is only 6 years younger than Anne Bancroft.