One reason so-called Nice Guys ™ seem so creepy to so many people is that it’s easy to see the rage and the bitterness and the weird sort of self-hating entitlement that is so often lurking underneath – and sometimes not that far underneath – the “nice guy” exterior.
Consider the gutwrenching case of Jill Meagher, an Irish woman who was raped and murdered in a suburb of Melbourne Australia last September by a man who accosted her on the street as she was walking home from a bar. A man who later told police that he had only approached her in the first place because he was “trying to be nice.”
In a lengthy interview with police, in which he confessed to raping and strangling Meagher, Adrian Ernest Bayley explained that he had only approached Meagher because she “looked distraught” and he thought he could “help.” And he only became angry at her when she rebuffed his kind offers.
“It wasn’t really my intention to hurt her, you know that?” he told police.
I spoke to her, you know and said, look, I’ll just – I’ll – I’ll help you, you know. … She flipped me off and that made me angry, because I was trying to do a nice thing. You know that? …
I was just – I was trying to be nice and – she kept going from being nice to nasty, to nice, to – you know what I mean?
Earlier in the evening, Bayley had reportedly argued with his girlfriend about his “jealousy and possessiveness issues.” The girlfriend returned home, where she reportedly told her landlady that she was “hiding from Adrian.”
The newspaper The Australian paints a picture of a man with rage issues and very little self-awareness.
Mr Bayley was working for a drainage company until his arrest six days after Meagher went missing. The workmate he had been drinking with that night told police Mr Bayley would become “angry and aggressive” after fighting with his girlfriend.
“He had a very short fuse and didn’t like to be told he was in the wrong,” he said. “In the times that I worked with Adrian, he was often talking about women. He would say he couldn’t understand how men could hurt women or be abusive towards women.”
None of this is to say that all Nice Guys ™ are harboring killers inside of them, or anything even remotely like that. But those who most loudly proclaim their “niceness” often turn out to be pretty awful, in part because they think that women owe them something for being so insistently “nice.”
After the shit Wally pulled, I feel like I need to actually post pics of my babies, but I’m stumped as to what’s a good image sharing site.
I have pics uploaded to Facebook so my aunts & uncles can see them, but I shouldn’t have to ask you all to sign up to Facebook and friend me just to see the tykes.
Any suggestions?
try imgur? I’ve thought the same. Do you have twins, Falconer?
YES. Twice the cute, four times the work, one-sixteenth the sleep.
I suggest imgur since it’s very difficult for sketchy people to find you based on a random upload there and, well, you know the kind of trolls we get here.
I was saying if it’s actually “uncontrollable sexual urges” (lik… one of the trolls? suggested), then masturbation should’ve solved that, and calling it uncontrollabe sexual urges was probably just an excuse. But I’m guessing the actual reason why he didn’t just do that is some fucked up desire for control and need to punish women for not instantly liking him.
Falconer, are these your first kids? big hugs and cuddles to them. I also know how much harder it is, so hugs and cuddles to you x
Thanks, BigMomma! They are my first.
Falconer: You can post images from Facebook by right-clicking the image and selecting “copy image URL,” and then it doesn’t require a login to view.
I *don’t* know if the URL that gives you is trackable to your profile, so in this case it may well not be a good idea to do that, but that’s up to you and how worried you are about privacy, really.
@ Bagelsan: “It’s weird, I’ve never seen a female black belt raped in the middle of Tae Kwon Do class. I guess guys can “help it” when the alternative is getting their tracheas caved in?”
TRIGGER WARNING: Some awful stuff is ahead, just fyi.
It seems that rapists just wait until their victim is vulnerable, or get a friend to “help.” Two men raped a woman on their Brazilian jiu jitsu team on New Year’s Eve. They ganged up on her when she was drunk. “Can’t help it,” my ass. They knew exactly what they were doing, and planned accordingly. 🙁 It’s more of that awful “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” thing again. She let them walk her back to her car? What was she thinking! (Never mind that if something had happened and she’d been alone, she would’ve also been blamed for NOT walking with them.) She was polite to him? What was she thinking, leading him on like that? (Never mind that if she’d spoken her mind, and there wasn’t any danger, she would’ve been castigated for being horrible to that “nice guy.”) Ugh.
http://jezebel.com/5974965/woman-raped-by-teammates-who-said-they-would-take-her-home-safely
God. I need to go look at cat photos again.
Cat photos, hell.
I was just going to suggest imgur!
So there are the BelovedFalconettes! 🙂
Much better than kitty photos – well done the Falconers!
The young woman on the left who is going to be smart and tough and gentle and do anything she sets her mind to is named Selena.
The young man on the right who is going to be tender and caring and look out for everyone around him and also do anything he sets his mind to is named Adrian.
Thank you, titianblue!
Not true, freemage. Having a sense of entitlement is not the same thing as lacking a conscience. The killer in this story is a clear case of the latter. I mean shit, do you people really believe his tall tale about being a gentleman trying to help a damsel in distress??? C’mon now! He’s lying through his teeth!! I daresay this was a premeditated act and he chose her because she was there and he thought she was an easy target. He even had a girlfriend already, so sexual frustration is clearly not the motive.
D’AWW! Adrian: “hey sis, how’s my hand taste?”
They’re adorable, congrats Falconer!
Oh, cute babes, Falconer.
Hi Kitteh & BigMomma- I’ve been in a survival mode for the past couple months- not much time or energy to look at any of this depressing stuff. It’s been a hell of a 2013 in my city. A woman was shot in the head (but survived and luckily it didn’t go through her skull) when she was waiting for the bus to go to school. Some guy came up and robbed her at gunpoint, and when she gave him what he demanded, he shot her.
Then there was a rape on the campus which turned out to be a false report (the person who reported the assault had a history of similar behaviors, but the police took the report seriously and did a lot of legwork before finally figuring out that it was a false report).
Then there was the hundreds of used needles being found all over the city (including in children’s playgrounds and the beaches). A local advocacy group found out that the local needle exchange was handing out anarchist material to drug users and was not doing 1:1 needle exchange, hence drug addicts were just getting a couple hundred needles and not bringing any back. Drug addicts were “coached” on how to hide needles in the brush and under leaves.
Then there was the shootings of the two officers and my fellow community members and friends who were wounded/shot at by this other guy.
The levy that I used to ride every day has been basically taken over by drug dealers who use the bridge that goes over the river as a “choke point” and it scares the hell out of me to ride my bicycle past them anymore. It doesn’t matter how many times I call the police- they’re heavily understaffed. I’ve had people screaming and lunging at me, obviously either mentally ill or on drugs while trying to put my bike in the bike cage at work.
My workplace has installed security doors and latches on the insides of certain offices, as well as a panic button. It doesn’t make me feel safe. It makes me feel like we’re waiting for an onslaught.
I have purchased marking pepper spray which I now carry with me. My husband walks home at night from work and after encountering a woman who was out of her mind and screaming her head off in the middle of the street, he asked me to get some for him too.
This is the first time I’ve ever felt like I actively have to carry a self-defense weapon on me.
I am feeling like I am in a war zone. There is so much good here, but I’m losing faith in it being worth it. I don’t want to die just because I wanted to walk down the street. I don’t want to be robbed at gunpoint/knifepoint because I decided to walk instead of drive.
I am so frightened. Even as a woman who has to deal with a measure of paranoia no matter where I am, this has no precedence.
All the hugs if you want them, dualityheart! That is terrifying. Just reading about it is terrifying.
@dualityheart
That’s terrible 🙁 Internet hugs if you want them.
Shit dualityheart, shit is that fucked up.
Kendra right? Hello again, spent autumn elsewhere myself, so good to see you again. Wish it were under better circumstances, but all the same…*waves*
Hugs, coffee, and ridiculous fish available if so desired (and the fish are being extra goofy!)
@ dualityheart
That is just awful. 🙁 I’d heard of the woman who was shot, but I had no idea about all the other stuff going on. *also offers internet hugs*
oh kendra. Hugs.
Is moving an option?
Faloner: Kids are TOOoooo CUTE!!!(to 11).
No and no. I just wanted to illustrate that some people who outwardly still seem to be in control of their behaviour (e. g. unlike Tourette’s Syndrome) in reality may already be dominated by compulsions; and that we can talk about mental disorders as causes for behavior without denying (criminal) responsibility.
I don’t understand this reasoning. Why can’t it be a compulsion to seek certain sexual experiences? Like other ICDs or severe OCD?
The etiology of sexual violence is controversial. But idea that rape is about power and control has trouble to explain a lot of findings, for example why the risk of experiencing sexual violence decreases more rapidly with age than for other types of violent crime.
So what about the story (some posts above) of the two BJJ guys who raped their female teammate? How do we explain, that one of them said “I’m sorry, I’m a sick bastard” to the victim? He knew what he did was hideous, he was ashamed of himself, but he did it anyway. What can we teach such a person?