So there’s an old school type of Pickup Artistry called Speed Seduction in which, instead of simply trying to manipulate the ladies into bed, our would-be seducers try to literally hypnotize their prey by repeating prefabricated “patterns” that supposedly work on people’s subconscious minds without them realizing it. The whole thing is based on something called Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), which most scientists seem to think is quackery. Most of the pickup techniques inspired by NLP are beyond ridiculous.
One NLP-inspired PUA “pattern,” for example, involves using the phrase “below me” when talking to the Hot Babes. Since “below me” sounds vaguely like “blow me,” you see, the Hot Babe you’re talking to will be subconsciously primed to want to give you a blow job. And no, I’m not making this up.
The creepiest PUA “pattern” I’ve run across so far is something called the “Door Pattern,” invented by some dude named Alex Domnikov, and recently brought to my attention by Mike Booth, the guy behind the hilarious Some Grey Bloke videos on Youtube.
One PUA has described the Door Pattern as “the “bad boy” of all patterns. … evil and cruel, playing on the fears and deep insecurities of women.”
Essentially, the idea behind this little routine is to manipulate any Hot Babe you’ve somehow convinced to sleep with you into desperately worrying that you’ll abandon her. Why she would consider this a bad thing, I’m not sure, as PUAs are not known for being especially sensitive lovers. But we’ll just suspend our disbelief and continue.
[TRIGGER WARNING for emotional abuse in what follows]
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So how does this dastardly Door Pattern work? Well, after you’ve had sex with a woman, and she’s feeling all glowy, you point to the door and ask her “sweetheart, what’s that over there?”
And she’ll say, “well you know, that’s a door, silly.” And you say, “yeah, you know.. I’m a real positive person, but.. I mean, can you imagine.. I mean, you don’t know what can happen from day to day, when you think about it in your mind. I mean, what would happen if I walked out that door and the door closed and as the door closed, it slammed shut, and no matter what you did, you could not open the door and you knew that you would never be able to look into my eyes again and you’d never be able to hear my voice again and you’d never be able to feel my touch again.” Ok, right here is where she starts going, “I don’t like this door business at all.”
So you reassure her a little, and then it’s back to the “door business” again:
Have some more fun with her, bring her to another orgasm or whatever and say, “you know, a terrible thing happened the other day. My friend was hit by a truck. I mean, it was awful, by the time they got him to hospital he was dead. I can’t believe it, you know? It’s almost as if, it would be a horrible thing you know when you think about..” (point towards the door) “..that no matter even if you were to get that door opened and you were to search, that you could never find me again..” Then she starts freaking out. You calibrate more on that part of, “you will never be able to see me again, you’ll never be able to hear my voice again.”
Repeat as necessary, and pretty soon any time she starts to get uppity, all you have to do is point to a door, and – ta da! – no more “bullshit” from her!
Having anchored that sense of loss and pain to the door, you can trigger it whenever needed. Whatever negative behavior may come up that you want to stop, the first time you just get up and slam the door. Whether you walk out the door depends on the level of bullshit. On later occasions you can just indicate tbe door in some manner. The example Alex gives: If he’s talking on the phone and getting any crap from her, and he knows the relation of where the door is to her desk, he says, “sweetheart, could you please turn right and take a look at what’s over there..” and that was the end of the bullshit.”
Assuming the Hot Babe doesn’t either laugh in your face and/or throw you out the first time you pull this creepy shit with her, what we’ve got here is a template for ongoing emotional abuse.
Happily, one enterprising soul has turned the Door Pattern into an ExtraNormal video. I find that the robot voice in the video meshes well with the psychopathic creepiness of the content.
The Door Pattern is not to be confused with the Doors Pattern, in which you get drunk and babble on about Nietzsche and everyone around you tells you you’re a genius.
There’s a video for that one too:
Oh, and here’s a cat singing the theme song to Game of Thrones. For some reason this popped up on YouTube when I was looking for drunk Jim Morrison videos.
PUAs lie or embellish the truth to make it appear that they are better at manipulating women into sleeping with them than they actually are? Well, that can’t be right. Must be that women are all lying bitchez. /sarcasm
The only people more pathetic than those PUAs are the girls who are dumb enough to have sex with them.
I know this is probably obvious to everyone here, but can I just point out how douchey it is to fake a friend’s death for any reason – horrible relationship manipulation or not. Two of my S.O.’s nuclear family members have died young, one from a car accident. There’s real grief and pain that comes with that. Anyone who imagines someone who’s suffered that kind of loss and thinks, “Hmmmm… How would I use that kind of situation to my advantage?” has got to have some serious problems empathizing with other people.
I hope the people who use this tactic get legos slipped into their oatmeal every morning.
Clearly this guy needs to practice his improv skills when dealing with a situation where people can’t be guaranteed to stick to a script.
-“Yes, that old printer. One day you will take it to the recycling center and it’ll be gone and you’ll never be able to get it back. Not that you’d want to because it’s an inkjet printer and probably wouldn’t work even with new ink cartridges, and it’s cheaper to buy a new printer than ink anyway. But you won’t be able to get it back and you could regret that because… um. I’ve hidden candy bars in it that you don’t know about! Candy for everyone! But it’s too late for candy because the printer is gone.”
Also known as the “nuclear option.”
I know I’ve linked to this poster before, but it’s appropriate for so many situations!
Perhaps the woman might take his emo attitude of the door game, as a threat of suicide. Everyone knows that if you want to train a woman you just need to like, teach her to fear doors because she thinks you are insane and have a pathological preoccupation with doors….
@creative writing student
That’s horrible 🙁 Do you mind sharing what happened after, if you know?
Three points:
1. The people who use this tactic should have legos slipped into their oatmeal every morning AND their sammich at lunch. Also, too.
2. I have lost friends to untimely death, people I had planned to grow old and cool and strange with. They died young, unjustly, unimaginably. It was horribly painful when they died, and it still is to this very day. So any doucherino who would LIE about losing a friend to untimely death just to manipulate and dominate a vulnerable, probably not-very-confident woman he just slept with would, in my opinion, be the Douchiest Doucherino who Ever Douched.
3. If a real-life Pua – I mean, the adorable, inquisitive anteater whose photo graces this post – were to crank MY doorknob, I’d be honored! Seriously, what a sweet aminal 😉
@Baroncognito
I think signing up for an improv class would accomplish everything PUArtistry (supposedly) does and more in a much healthier way. Additionally, there will probably be some women there to practice talking to (though hopefully not too much hitting on, I am not suggesting that anyone pick up a hobby just to get a partner as I think that can ruin it for everybody).
I love the PUA subliminal message idea where you’re supposed to work words that sound like “nudity” or “blow job” into your conversation. I’ve seen sample scripts for PUAs using this technique, and they don’t sound at all stilted and creepy, no sir.
What I haven’t seen are tips for what to do when the woman says, “Um, I’m sorry, but why do you keep interrupting your sentences by saying ‘fellatio’ and giggling?'”
@Shaenon
It seems like a good way to make sure that if the script-follower does get naked/begin the “subliminal” sex act with someone, it will be interrupted by giggling at some point. (Nothing against giggling during sexy times, it can be quite fun, but the joke should be shared and nothing in what I’ve heard of PUA stuff shows that it would be.)
I have a feeling that any giggling would cause your average PUA to flip his shit.
Here, have some clumsy penguins!
OMG!! A former friend of mine hit the button that squirted the windshield cleaning solution of the windscreen and told me it was “subliminal seduction”. I howled! I informed him that dirty windscreens in no way prompted me to want to jump his bones.
This was back in the seventies when there were tons of articles about hidden messages everywhere in advertising.
Zombie lies never die, they just get recycled every generation by those who hope they are truths.
Mmm… I dunno. If I ever met a guy like that, and he tried the door thing I’d be all “you mean you can walk out the door and never come back? Hey great! Let’s put this to the test!”.
Yeah I’m a bitch like that. And the reason being that I grew up hearing about how my grandfather threatened my grandmother with suicide if she didn’t marry him. So she did, because she couldn’t live with the guilt and the blame if he followed through. And he was the kind of abuser you only hear about in the papers after he’s tortured and murdered the entire family. Yeah.
Also note how puas that use this technique are trying to manipulate those bonding horomones people get in increased doses after sex. And its a pretty common pattern with abusers to do things that make their partner feel really happy and then tear them down, so it will feel that more devastating by comparison.
Yeah, “I can only get women to stay with me by manipulating them” doesn’t really say “I am totally awesome” or “my own self-esteem is doing great” to me. Bunch of losers, trying to make everyone around them as unhappy and insecure as they are.
I once very briefly dated a guy who was fond of emotional manipulation of this kind. I guess it must work on some people or they would eventually give up? The results in my case were unfortunate, though. He started in on some spiel about “I’m the best thing that ever happened to you, can you imagine how terrible it would be for you if we broke up, how would you ever find someone like me again?” and I burst out laughing. In front of his bass player, his roomate, and her boyfriend. Oops. And then I told my friends, so for years afterwards we would all run into him at bars or clubs and start going “I’m the best thing that ever happened to you” to each other in really overdramatic voices and then burst out laughing.
@thebewilderness
LOL. What woman doesn’t love being compared to a dirty windshield?
Other things that are humorously not very much like sex despite the fact that you could technically use the verb “ejaculate”:
A sink sprayer rinsing off a dirty dish.
A faucet filling up a glass with water.
A sneeze into a kleenex.
A shaken soda bottle all over everything.
A zit popping onto a mirror.
Am I arousing everybody?
@Marie
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/04/fake-death-marriage-proposal_n_1855167.html
She said yes. Although apparently it took her a while to calm down and she was very angry with him for doing that to her.
@Some Gal
You could use Mr Darcy. I hear he ejaculates a lot. 😛
I remember that Ron Weasley also ejaculated a few times too.
@creative writing student
Thanks for answering :/
Sorry for those of you who have experienced this in person, but thank you so much for posting your experiences, because a) I will admit it cracks me up that some people actually try this ridiculousness*, and b) it confirms my immediate suspicions when reading this – that this is highly unlikely to work in reality.
If you get past the immediate cliff of “why are you bringing this up? This is an odd topic to bring up at this moment, and your seeming fixation on it is troubling and creepy” and/or “okay, this is an utterly transparent attempt to manipulate me, and is not endearing you to my heart” (plus “you trying to manipulate me makes me realize you’re an asshole – you trying to manipulate me like this makes me realize you’re not too bright”), things are bound to fall apart when you get to the “my friend just got killed in an accident” part. Any conversation partner is bound to worry more about you having recently lost a friend and less on the “I might abandon youuuuu” bugaboo, they are likely to ask for details (like AK described), and chances are they’ll get suspicious about how you casually dropped something this major into the conversation (and then tried to steer back to your door obsession).
The fact that this gets touted as a workable approach tells me that the PUA community probably has little experience with actual human women, and certainly has no understanding of human interactions.
So, the good news is that this is likely to have a high failure rate. The bad news is that there are even people willing to try stuff like that – even if they never succeed, what does this tell us about their ethics? The worse news is that, even if it may be rare, some of them might find someone vulnerable enough that it does work. 🙁
*although it really shouldn’t. The “you are truly stupid enough to think this could work?” should be outweighed by the “you are evil enough to want to use this?”.
I think I might read the door thing more as him having a fear of abandonment than anything else. Which when I was in the age range that PUAs target would have sent me running for the hills, because argh, way too much responsibility. Again, oops?
@Creative Writing Student
Yeah, PUA should work more references to attractive men into their conversations. I am sure they will sound completely natural and non-ridiculous.
There was some other book I read recently that had verbal ejaculations in it too. I always giggle because I am incredibly immature. Sometimes fanfiction just writes itself. 🙂
cloudiah spitting her water out after reading that windshield washer story.
I hope I’m not the only one thinking of Sex Panther when people bring up things that PUAs believe to be suggestive and thus able to program women into dropping our knickers.