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creepy emotional abuse men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny MRA PUA

The Door Pattern: Creepiest bit of Pickup Artist BS ever?

The Only Pua you want near your door. Seriously, "Pua" is the name of the anteater.
The Only Pua you want near your door. Seriously, “Pua” is the name of the anteater. Google it if you don’t believe me.

So there’s an old school type of Pickup Artistry called Speed Seduction in which, instead of simply trying to manipulate the ladies into bed, our would-be seducers try to literally hypnotize their prey by repeating prefabricated “patterns” that supposedly work on people’s subconscious minds without them realizing it. The whole thing is based on something called Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), which most scientists seem to think is quackery. Most of the pickup techniques inspired by NLP are beyond ridiculous.

One NLP-inspired PUA “pattern,” for example, involves using the phrase “below me” when talking to the Hot Babes. Since “below me” sounds vaguely like “blow me,” you see, the Hot Babe you’re talking to will be subconsciously primed to want to give you a blow job. And no, I’m not making this up.

The creepiest PUA “pattern” I’ve run across so far is something called the “Door Pattern,” invented by some dude named Alex Domnikov, and recently brought to my attention by Mike Booth, the guy behind the hilarious Some Grey Bloke videos on Youtube.

One PUA has described the Door Pattern as “the “bad boy” of all patterns. … evil and cruel, playing on the fears and deep insecurities of women.”

Essentially, the idea behind this little routine is to manipulate any Hot Babe you’ve somehow convinced to sleep with you into desperately worrying that you’ll abandon her. Why she would consider this a bad thing, I’m not sure, as PUAs are not known for being especially sensitive lovers. But we’ll just suspend our disbelief and continue.

[TRIGGER WARNING for emotional abuse in what follows]

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So how does this dastardly Door Pattern work? Well, after you’ve had sex with a woman, and she’s feeling all glowy, you point to the door and ask her “sweetheart, what’s that over there?”

And she’ll say, “well you know, that’s a door, silly.” And you say, “yeah, you know.. I’m a real positive person, but.. I mean, can you imagine.. I mean, you don’t know what can happen from day to day, when you think about it in your mind. I mean, what would happen if I walked out that door and the door closed and as the door closed, it slammed shut, and no matter what you did, you could not open the door and you knew that you would never be able to look into my eyes again and you’d never be able to hear my voice again and you’d never be able to feel my touch again.” Ok, right here is where she starts going, “I don’t like this door business at all.”

So you reassure her a little, and then it’s back to the “door business” again:

Have some more fun with her, bring her to another orgasm or whatever and say, “you know, a terrible thing happened the other day. My friend was hit by a truck. I mean, it was awful, by the time they got him to hospital he was dead. I can’t believe it, you know? It’s almost as if, it would be a horrible thing you know when you think about..” (point towards the door) “..that no matter even if you were to get that door opened and you were to search, that you could never find me again..” Then she starts freaking out. You calibrate more on that part of, “you will never be able to see me again, you’ll never be able to hear my voice again.”

Repeat as necessary, and pretty soon any time she starts to get uppity, all you have to do is point to a door, and – ta da! – no more “bullshit” from her!

Having anchored that sense of loss and pain to the door, you can trigger it whenever needed. Whatever negative behavior may come up that you want to stop, the first time you just get up and slam the door. Whether you walk out the door depends on the level of bullshit. On later occasions you can just indicate tbe door in some manner. The example Alex gives: If he’s talking on the phone and getting any crap from her, and he knows the relation of where the door is to her desk, he says, “sweetheart, could you please turn right and take a look at what’s over there..” and that was the end of the bullshit.”

Assuming the Hot Babe doesn’t either laugh in your face and/or throw you out the first time you pull this creepy shit with her, what we’ve got here is a template for ongoing emotional abuse.

Happily, one enterprising soul has turned the Door Pattern into an ExtraNormal video. I find that the robot voice in the video meshes well with the psychopathic creepiness of the content.

The Door Pattern is not to be confused with the Doors Pattern, in which you get drunk and babble on about Nietzsche and everyone around you tells you you’re a genius.

There’s a video for that one too:

Oh, and here’s a cat singing the theme song to Game of Thrones. For some reason this popped up on YouTube when I was looking for drunk Jim Morrison videos.

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inurashii
inurashii
8 years ago

Thank goodness that there are now step-by-step instructions for emotional abuse.

hellkell
hellkell
8 years ago

I thought PUAs weren’t about repeat business, so who cares, unless you’re a complete fucking sociopath. Oh, wait…

In before Eurosabra sleazes the joint up by making excuses for this and “mild gaslighting.”

quantumscale
quantumscale
8 years ago

Maybe if she looks at the door enough she’ll realize she can just walk right out.

Amused
8 years ago

Holy Batman, this actually happened to me! Years and years ago, so this thing is apparently old. My (new and casual) lover mused at length about the meaning of doors, and what I would do if I could never open the door, and it would mean I could never see him again, look into his eyes or feel his touch again. I thought this was quite overt in its manipulativeness, so when he asked how I would feel about the door closing behind him, I replied:

“Oh well, it’s like you said: shit happens. I suppose if that happened, I would get up, make sure the door is securely locked against any intruder and go take a shower. Then I would go on with my life. Seems like the most sensible thing to do, no?”

“Hahaha. Okay, but what it if wasn’t a joke? People don’t always do sensible things. Like, if you imagined me, also going on with my life, behind that door, with some other girl…”

“I don’t think about things like that.”

“Because you are afraid of them?”

And it went on and on from there. He ended up basically making an argument to me as to why I should be scared and upset that he could disappear behind that door at any moment. And when I was unconvinced, he accused me of lying about my feelings. Then he called me shallow.

“Okay, would it make you feel better if I gave you permission to tell your friends I committed suicide on your account?” I finally asked.

At which point he got up, put his clothes on, and walked out that door. At which point I got up, made sure the door was securely locked, went to take a shower and went on with my life.

blitzgal
8 years ago

The door pattern requires you to first be successful in sexing the girl. How is this useful guys who use PUA tactics? I thought their whole thing was to “bang them” once and move on, anyway?

Some Gal Not Bored at All

bring her to another orgasm or whatever

This pretty much sums up how PUAs feel about women enjoying sex, doesn’t it? The men have to be able (technically) to bring women to orgasm or they are not virile enough, but actually doing it is not that important. Sounds like fun to me! /sarcasm

Some Gal Not Bored at All

@Amused

Ugh. That sucks. Your actual response was pretty much what I imagined mine would be like, though.

I think the only way it wouldn’t come off as overtly manipulative pretty quickly is if we were both really stoned and the “Door Pattern” was prefaced by non-creepy musings on windows and floors and walls. I think I would still catch on eventually, though.

Freemage
Freemage
8 years ago

Yeah, it really seems to underline the fact that self-identified PUAs (and wannabes) are, basically, announcing, “Hey, I can only be with women whose self-esteem is low enough that they have no standards.”

Falconer
8 years ago

Because women exist only for sexy time and shouldn’t get in the way of Important Man Shit, and if they do, it’s perfectly justified to train them to slam themselves in their vulnerable spot, innit?

Pear_tree
Pear_tree
8 years ago

That is kind of terrifying, I would probably be manipulated by that. I can kind of see why guys do it because then you have control of your partner but I still like the idea of having some identity/power in the relationship. In my last relationship, however much I tried I couldn’t be passive enough. I am not sure how religious women manage the whole passive thing, it is so hard.

Falconer
8 years ago

I am not sure how religious women manage the whole passive thing, it is so hard.

From what I understand, many of them suffer from crushing feelings of guilt because they can’t quite manage it, themselves, but fortunately they can usually manage to avoid their husbands’ and Men-o’-Gawds’ negative attention for a while.

coreywrenn
coreywrenn
8 years ago

This post really, really, really disturbed me…but then you saved the day with the Doors and cat video at the end. Thanks for that, and thanks for your good work…as saddening as it is…a lot of times I can’t bring myself to read what you find.

cloudiah
8 years ago

Yonkers, this is terrible. I think feminists should mount a public campaign to inoculate girls and young women against this kind of emotional abuse and manipulation, just like we’ve done for HPV etc.

Hyena Girl
8 years ago

Is it just me or does this read something like “Women don’t actually have object permanence, lets mess with that.”

clairedammit
8 years ago

I was bored and reading your twitter feed last night, David, and googled the door pattern

I am very triggered by any emotional manipulation, maybe because my mom was both manipulative and somewhat verbally abusive and so now I tend to react as if they’re one and the same. The first time someone tried this on me, I would not have reacted the way he expected me to. I probably wouldn’t have yelled at him or anything and I certainly wouldn’t have cried. I would have just turned red, gotten dressed, left, and never taken his phone calls again. Hows that for a fucking door trick?

Amused, I’m sorry that happened to you! But I’m glad it didn’t work out the way he wanted either.

Equivamp
8 years ago

Uh, wow, this actually happened to a friend of mine once. I knew the guy was really emotionally abusive, but I didnt find out about this (and the sexual abuse) until after I and her other friends helped her get out of the relationship; I would have physically harmed him had I found out about it sooner–probably with a door. (This is my first post here by the way, been lurking for a while.)

leftwingfox
8 years ago

@Amused: Shitty dude, epic ending. 😀

AK
AK
8 years ago

So this has actually happened to me too. It was a casual FWB-type situation, maybe the second or third time we had sex, and it…didn’t go the way he planned.

First, I had no idea what the fuck he was pointing at when he asked me what was “over there,” because a door seemed way too obvious, and we were at my place so I had some weird things laying around in the same general area he was pointing. So I started listing other things…”Oh, you mean the photos? Well, those are of…No? Surely you don’t mean the old printer that I need to recycle?” Finally he had to be like, “No, I was just teasing babe, I meant the door…because I was just thinking about…” and launched into pretty much word-for-word what was up there. I was kind of sleepy so I mostly tuned it out. Hey, I’m a forgiving lady.

He got as far as the thing about a friend dying horribly, and I did freak out…trying to comfort him. Then I started asking when the funeral was, why he didn’t tell me sooner, when it happened, etc. and it quickly became obvious that he was lying, at which point I kicked him out because holy shit what a terrible thing to lie about. He tried to pass it off as a joke but it was obvious what he was doing, even though I wasn’t aware of this pattern BS at the time. I also made sure to tell our mutual friends about it because seriously, you try to manipulate me like that, I figure all bets are off. It got a good laugh, especially when the first time he showed up to hang out with us again, as soon as he walked up I pointed at the door of the bar and asked, “Hey, what’s that over there?” (I was lucky enough to be hanging out with a pretty progressive bunch who knew we were FWB) He quickly wound up disappearing from our social circle.

Imagine my surprise when I ran into that exact pattern online a year or two later. It just makes it even funnier.

I don’t mean to make light of emotional manipulation or the effect this particular pattern might have on anyone, just to be clear. I was in an abusive relationship where I was horribly manipulated and I understand how terrible that can be and how the scars can linger. For me, this particular attempt was really just ridiculous and funny though.

Pear_tree
Pear_tree
8 years ago

I know this is an obvious statement, but this tactic seems to try to take the natural fear of being trapped and turn it round to be about not seeing the guy again. I’m sure it can’t be a coincidence that it is about not being able to open the door and not about him walking out and you not being able to find him. The latter might be annoying but you’d get over it, but never being able to leave the room again is terrifying.

Harry
Harry
8 years ago

Anyone else guilty of mainly coming here for the Cats?

AK
AK
8 years ago

I should add for full disclosure that I’ve been guilty of engaging in the Doors pattern David mentioned in his post. Fortunately I outgrew it about the time I was finished with college, as it is not nearly as creepy but pretty obnoxious, especially since it can be visited on innocent people who just happen to be sitting near you at a party.

Binjabreel
Binjabreel
8 years ago

I’m always stunned to stumble onto tiny bits of actual psychology in the PUA quagmire. It’s total bullshit (“below me” also sounds a lot like “baloney”, but they don’t mention that part) but there’s JUST. ENOUGH. for this garbage to be legitimately damaging. Associating a concrete physical symbol with an emotional state is actually a great way of inducing that state, it’s just usually meant to induce, y’know, happy or calm or therapeutic feelings. Like all pickup shitlordery, it’s a mishmash of actual knowledge about the brain (saying things with a sexual second meaning does make the person you’re talking to think about sex, for example, but if they don’t like the idea of sex with you they’ll just find it distressing or upsetting instead) with a thin veneer of bullshit and misogyny plastered over the cracks.

Also, all this shitlordery was mostly hashed out on message boards in the early- to mid-nineties (I may know an embarrassingly large amount about this subculture, my ex-wife were extremely curious, and I wanted to I know what these shitheads were doing to the science I love) so I’m not surprised at all to hear that some of y’all have heard this shit verbatim in your youths.

Persuasion is actually really interesting, because we swim through a sea of it every day in the form of advertising and political propaganda. What these guys are doing is basically just spreading propaganda about themselves. If y’all are interested, two of my professors in Santa Cruz wrote an excellent book called, “The Age of Propaganda.”

I highly recommend it, you’ll never look at a political speech or Activia commercial the same way again.

Some Gal Not Bored at All

@AK

If you don’t mind answering, what reactions did you get when you tried?

AK
AK
8 years ago

Some Gal, I’m sorry, I meant that as a joke about the “sitting around drunkenly talking about Nietzsche” thing in the OP…The Doors pattern, not the door pattern. I’d never do something like the door pattern to someone else.

AK
AK
8 years ago

I was never told I was a genius though, I just assumed I was. 😉

leftwingfox
8 years ago

This is the second time in my life now where I’ve heard something and went:

“This is a thing?”

“It’s enough of a thing to have a name?”

“Someone here has actually experienced this?!”

“More than one person here has experienced it?!?!”

For the record, the first time was discovering the word “Voraraphile”.

AK
AK
8 years ago

Well, at least the door pattern is in good company.

Some Gal Not Bored at All

@AK

Oh. Sorry I misunderstood. (Not like I don’t enjoy Doors pattern talk if the mood is right. 🙂 ) I know we have some former-PUAs and MRAs here and I just thought that you might be one if them.

The idea of pulling this one someone before sleeping with them seemed like something PUAs might pull and I thought the reactions would be interesting.

Falconer
8 years ago

@leftwingfox: Did someone pull this on you? I’m sorry, that’s terrible.

Drew
Drew
8 years ago

Blaaaargh. Binjab, now I am going to start working “below me” into conversations in the hope that women will be subconsciously compelled to offer me deli meats. Perhaps there’s a whole PUA niche market there; maybe just call it “Running Fish and Game.”

Dani Alexis
Dani Alexis
8 years ago

LOL. I can see that resulting in the following conversation:

Friend: “So, tell me about that guy you took home from the bar last night. What was up with that?”
Woman: “Eh, not bad. We had fun. But I won’t be calling him again.”
Friend: “Why not?”
Woman: “He had this completely bizarre fixation with doors. Apparently they remind him of death or abandonment or something. He wouldn’t stop talking about how sad it was when people walked out the door and then got hit by a truck and you never saw them again.”
Friend: “Seriously? Like, right after sex he’s talking about this? How fucking weird.”
Woman: “I know, right?!?”

kamilla1960
kamilla1960
8 years ago

I believe it used to be called, “The Stick Pattern.” The stick would be sitting next to the door and the husband would point to it and say, “What’s that over there?” And she would say, “It’s the stick.” And he would say, “And that’s what I get to beat you with. And there’s nothing you can do about it.”
http://www.historyofwomen.org/wifebeating.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marital_rape

Andrew Johnston
8 years ago

@Binjabreel: My thoughts exactly. This little script is almost classical conditioning, but the author must have been drunk the day they discussed Pavlov if this is what he got out of it. It’s not quite science, is what I’m saying, but it sure sounds science-y.

kamilla1960
kamilla1960
8 years ago

A superior adaptation of the true story of the Titanic.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1869152/

leftwingfox
8 years ago

Falconer: Oh no. I was clueless that this was even a tactic, I was referring to hearing Amused and AK’s stories here.

I’m not exactly the most social person in the world, and would much rather be in no relationship than a bad relationship. I’m the sort of person who _will_ walk out that door, but it would never occur to me to actually cultivate that as a threat.

AK
AK
8 years ago

Some Gal, no worries, I’ve been lurking here for a long time but just started posting so it’s easy for me to forget y’all don’t know me and some things that to me are obviously jokes are less so when they come from a random internet poster with no background. 😉

I’d actually be interested to hear legitimate stories of reactions to it, too…having experienced it and even giving him the benefit of the doubt found it so absurd, I really have trouble imagining how it actually works. It is so scripted and the reactions for the “HB” are unusual, to say the least. Yet it is apparently quite persistent (I’ve had two 2+ year relationships since I was with the guy who pulled it on me) so surely they can’t all be striking out with it? Or maybe they are and they’re all just lying about it, I guess. Actually, that’s probably it.

kamilla1960
kamilla1960
8 years ago

Patterns of abuse in the family of origin often create a mental state that recognizes abuse as the norm. Jerks who despise women seek out those who are vulnerable. NLP–basically, you can use similar tactics to the abuser to free yourself from the abuse. One needs to develop the courage to leave, and a social network that helps you to recognize that you are in fact being abused. For many women, economic vulnerability plays a big role in keeping them in an abusing relationship.

BlackBloc (@XBlackBlocX)

My reaction is what you’d expect from hearing that somebody is trying to learn to use the Force to Jedi Mind Trick girls into sleeping with him. Equal parts bemusement at the ridiculousness of the plan and repulsion at the complete moral bankruptcy of the person being ridiculous.

katz
8 years ago

One NLP-inspired PUA “pattern,” for example, involves using the phrase “below me” when talking to the Hot Babes. Since “below me” sounds vaguely like “blow me,” you see, the Hot Babe you’re talking to will be subconsciously primed to want to give you a blow job.

Or it might make them subconsciously want to watch Celebrity Jeopardy.

Glenn P
8 years ago

I’ve been in the PUA community for almost 7 years as a coach and I have to admit that when I first arrived there was a lot of buzz about NLP and certain patterns that men were using on women.

This never felt right to me. It’s outright manipulation in a not good way, not sure if manipulation is ever good but that’s for a different discussion.

Nowadays in the world of modern pick-up NLP is basically outlawed. Mention it once as something that you use and you might as well be a leper! Most men want to better themselves on their own so they can be more naturally attractive to women and not rely on creepy NLP patterns of heavy routines!

Either way… The Door is interesting to read about. I had never heard about it and I hope by posting this Pattern up on a blog it doesn’t come back to life.

GlennP
Glennpua.com

cloudiah
8 years ago

They really don’t think of woman as human beings, do they? I mean, I kind of know that on an intellectual level, but this shit just kind of slams that point home.

howardbann1ster
8 years ago

@Cloudiah: yeah, seriously.

Creative Writing Student

This kinda reminds me of the guy who proposed to his girlfriend by faking a horrifying car crash right in front of her because he wanted her to realise how much it would hurt if she lost him.

Y’know, because that’s not manipulative at all, and it’s not like people in a secure, happy relationship don’t know it’s gonna hurt when your loved ones die.

joanimal
joanimal
8 years ago

The level of gullibility in PUA is mind boggling. OK, I am 60ish so I have the benefit of experience, but this shit is so obviously a group of nonsense pop-psychology ideas that originated to sell books to the insecure. None of these ideas have any basis in reality and the only time they might even appear to work is if a woman chose to go out with the PUA despite the PUAing, not because of it.

Also, too, leftwingfox…evil child. (; You had to pique my curiousity, I looked up “Voraraphile”. Ick

Also, too, too, I probably shouldn’t be surprised. There are also “things with names” about self inflicted damage for people that cannot fathom that inflamation and scar tissue are not the same as an increase in erectile tissue. Some of my fellow penis owners can be a sad lot…

Cthulhu's Intern
8 years ago

So wait, reading the comments here from people who have said this has happened to them, I’m wondering: Has this ever actually worked? Sometimes, I think that PUA tactics just come from hunches. If you read PUA forums, it becomes pretty obvious that they’re not as successful with women as they claim to be. I seriously wonder if they just come up with these ideas as hunches.

Creative Writing Student

Also, too, too, I probably shouldn’t be surprised. There are also “things with names” about self inflicted damage for people that cannot fathom that inflamation and scar tissue are not the same as an increase in erectile tissue. Some of my fellow penis owners can be a sad lot…

What.

Pear_tree
Pear_tree
8 years ago

I’d assume you use it on someone who already has some attachment to you. Possibly someone who is already having mixed feelings about the relationship, and where the relationship is already abusive. If a stranger used it I’d probably be glad to be rid of them but when you already like the person my mind might change.

cloudiah
8 years ago

When I was a teenager, I did childcare for a neighbor’s kid, who was about 4. Sweet kid. Anyway, one day I was playing with him and I had this “brilliant” idea to pretend that he had suddenly become invisible. I thought it would be fun for him, like a superpower. Instead, he did that thing little kids do where their faces just kind of crumple up and they start crying — because to him it was like saying he had gone away forever, and his mother and father wouldn’t be able to see him and no one could play with him.

Because I am a halfway decent person I immediately hugged him and told him he wasn’t invisible and I was very stupid to suggest that and I apologize and here let’s play something else to erase that terrible (if momentary) trauma. And I told his parents when they got home in case the trauma did linger. (It didn’t.) And then I filed that away as really not a very good idea since I never ever wanted to scare a child that way again ever. Ever.

I guess if I were the kind of person who would become a PUA, I would instead have filed that away as “Useful technique for undermining a child’s sense of self and making them feel terrible so that I can manipulate them.”

AK
AK
8 years ago

Cthulhu’s Intern, I doubt it has by itself. I imagine that some people who have used it have either “lucked” (I feel icky writing that, obviously I mean it from the PUA’s POV, not the other party) into finding a woman who has been abused in the past in such a way that a threat of abandonment like that triggers her, or they’ve abused the victim that way themselves and created a sense of dependency before they attempt it. Either way, the results aren’t about the pattern itself (which is patently ridiculous as described), but the way that their…girlfriend (I normally would write “partner,” but that doesn’t seem appropriate here) has been conditioned to respond to the threat. I imagine that accounts for most or all of the true “success” stories (again, I feel icky writing that). I don’t think that really counts, though, as any discussion that triggered her could work, NLP or no.

When I read about it initially a few years back, multiple men were talking about using successfully it with multiple sex partners, who were often portrayed as confident women who were reduced to helpless damsels by this pattern. Those are the guys I’m certain are lying. I’m not a gambling woman, but I’d bet money on that.

oraclenine (@Oraclenine)

“I’m gonna run away and never come back and then you’ll be sorry!”

“Right. In the meantime, finish your peas.”

Tip to any guy who thinks the PUA has a good idea with this plot- sounding like a cranky five year old isn’t all that enticing. The suggestion to act out physically by slamming doors is bullshit. Tantrums are childish and/or threatening,

If someone lies and threatens to get women to sleep with him- well, ‘artist’ isn’t the first word that springs to mind.

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