An Orlando man, Faron Thompson, was recently charged with battery and child neglect after an altercation in which he allegedly tried to force his fiancée to swallow her engagement ring when she tried to leave him. (More details here.)
This sort of abuse is depressingly commonplace when women try to free themselves from abusive and controlling men; indeed, if I posted every news account along these lines on this blog I wouldn’t have time to do anything else.
No, I mention this case because something that Thompson reportedly told police reveals a lot about the mindset of abusers. When they arrested him, police say, Thompson complained that:
Women always claim assault, but never accept responsibility for provoking someone.
That is how abusers think.
It’s also how a lot of MRAs think.
Indeed, when I read Thomson’s reported remarks, the y immediately brought to mind something written not that long ago by Karen Straughan, the YouTube videoblogger who goes by the name of Girl Writes What. Straughan describes herself in her A Voice for Men bio as “the most popular and visible MRA in North America,” and given the rapturous reception her videos get on You Tube and on Reddit, this may not be an idle boast.
In the rather revealing Reddit comment I’m thinking of (which I blogged about earlier), Straughan suggested not only that abused women regularly “demand” the abuse they receive, but that many of them also get some sort of sexual charge from it. Oh, I’m sure she’ll deny that she really meant all that, but I can’t see any other way to read the following.
Oh, and in case you were wondering what article she’s referring to in the last paragraph — the one she says isn’t “seriously ethically questionable” — it’s a post from the repugnant Ferdinand Bardamu arguing that men should “terrorize” their partners because that’s the “the only thing that makes them behave better than chimps.” For more about that charming piece, titled “The Necessity of Domestic Violence,” see my post here.
I’m having less and less of a problem with calling the Men’s Rights movement “the abusers lobby.”
I’m sure there are some MRAs who are as repulsed by Straughan’s argument as I am. If you’re one of them, and want your movement, such as it is, to be remembered as something other than “the abusers lobby,” you need to call out all those MRAs who make such arguments. Might I suggest that you start by challenging the “the most popular and visible MRA in North America,” otherwise known as Girl Writes What?
As said I’m in the group that does like make-up sex or whatever you wanna call it, because of reaching an agreement and the adrenaline rush combined. So because of that I can’t say it’s wrong. But it obviously becomes a problem if the other party reacts negatively to it (my own partner is rather neutral, like in most things; I’m the hothead). Or when you are so addicted to the aggression that you purposefully seek out fights to have sex afterwards. That’s nothing short of chemical addiction to hormone rushes and requires treatment like all addictions do. It’s destructive, especially if combined with abusive behaviour, but also without. It doesn’t make a healthy relationship if one is driving aggression against the other’s wishes; BDSM and safewords are there for mutual aggression play.
That in addition to what folks already said of this.
My sympathies to you who are dealing or dealt with abuse, too. Just read the posts. 🙁 I’ve been lucky enough to avoid all that so I don’t know what to say but that I’m sorry you had to experience it.
Alex, I agree with everyone above about keeping the lines of communication open. If she knows you’re a kind and safe (and non-judgmental) person to talk to, then even in the worst case scenario of him cutting off your access to her, she’ll still be capable of accessing you. She knows your Facebook page, she knows your number (hopefully) and all you can do is be really, really available.
And I guess do your best to support her reality and trust her this-is-bad feelings as vehemently as possible, because it sounds like he doesn’t respect her reality or feelings at all and you need to offer a vision of an alternative in which she is smart, and wise, and trustworthy, and deserving of good things.
The one thing that makes me most sad about all of this, is that we treat our cats better than many people treat their partner or children. Our cats are told that they’re beautiful, that they’re intelligent, and that they’re loved.
Elam’s line is that it’s proof AVFM isn’t misogynistic. (Meanwhile, women like TyphonBlue write shit like her “pleasing men’s penises raises women above livestock” article.)
From what I’ve seen of the rank-and-file, they either don’t care or they resent that the menz are SEW OAPRESSED that their OAPRESHUN has to be legitimized by the voices of women. It’s Cargo Cult Social Justice.
I need to get a cat. 😀
And why does AVfM have so many women on its “board?” Does the rank and file not notice or care?
I suspect it’s in part because women are willing to volunteer to do maintenance work for men, and the MRA thinks that women should be doing the shit work (I mean, “on the board” isn’t all that glamorous, esp. for an organization that’s what, one website?).
Alex, of course! What kind of feminist are you? 😉
Wait, did we stop automatically sending a kitten out with the membership cards?
Concerns about kitty allergies perhaps?
Thank you, cloudiah. 🙂 Alex, it sounds to me as though you’re being a wonderful sister, and everybody else said what I would have for advice, so yay for that.
@Alex, or you could shift countries, come and live with us, and we’ll treat you like one of our cats. Except we won’t expect you to provide your own clothing, and we’ll feed you better than cat biscuits and wet food. 🙂
can we vote this one into the Onion? oh. wait. It’s real. Crap.
Nevermind.
I’ve never understood wanting make-up sex either. But then my anger is far more likely to make me go cold/numb.
But, it is a common trope in movies – one second a couple is arguing, the next they’re kissing passionately and/or ripping each other’s clothes off. I can’t actually name any right now though. Can anyone think of any?
OK, so about the AVfM “board of directors”: It’s not listed anywhere permanent on their site and the only references I can find are that post and one other random comment suggesting that they should create one. Erin Pizzey is their “editor-at-large” (which I assume means they have to hunt her down to get her to write for them), but it seems that “board of directors” probably means “anyone who has been involved with AVfM in any way.” Anyway, none of the women so mentioned are so much as forum mods, nor are they important enough to be in the blogroll.
To everyone who’s been through abusive crap – more internet hugs and kittens if you want them.
Alex – I too am afraid I can’t offer any suggestions, only n’hing the hope that your sister gets out of this.
Kiwi girl – bumpluck is a wonderful word and so much more explicit than assdata. Thank you for introducing me to it. Totally OT, I got my invitation to Catjmoji just now.
Make-up sex is something I can imagine in a fantasy scenario, but wanting to do it? Imagining myself doing it? Eurgh, not a chance. Luckily fights aren’t a thing in my life, but I seriously can’t see that I’d feel like sex afterward if they were. I don’t get any pleasure from anger. Sex for me is about love, not physical sensation alone, and hostility, resentment, all the things that go with fighting, are its antithesis. Even worse than that is the other issue of “pick a fight in order to get sex afterward” thing – it sounds like a rape scenario to me.
katz, I shall have more brain bleach when youtube has uploaded my video of the kitties having the laziest cat fight ever … not that it’s in any hurry.
This is what a feminist looks like. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCty5ZqbPkQ&feature=player_embedded
She is so dangerous. Enabling violent behaviour against women? Abusers crush self-esteem and isolate you so you can’t get away.
Oh that’s hilarious, hey there. You are just taking humor to a whole new level of edginess and creativity.
No seriously, are you 9 years old? Because I know people younger than you who are still funnier than you, and who can make better arguments.
Lord, the troll quality is down this year. Unless of course this is one of Pell’s fly-by attempts with videos.
Hey, danielle, welcome.
Is it Pell O’Clock again?
That was my first thought, yeah.
I’d definitely classify her as one of the most dangerous people in the MRM, because she actually reads like a reasonable human being (as opposed to the typical clearly-from-another-planet MRA voice). She sweet-talks lonely young guys with her oh-you-poor-baby tone and her affirmation of their whining and then they are blinded to the horrid implications of what she says because she’s nice and she would never say anything like that because that would be bad!
I don’t see how AVfM would have a board of directors. It’s not a company for starters. The board would also set the strategic vision, and longer term strategy (5 years). If anyone thinks that AVfM has any strategy other than flinging poo at the computer screen, there is a bridge in London and a statue in New York that I can sell them. 🙂
Any fuckwit can set up a blog, AVfM is proof of that.