An Orlando man, Faron Thompson, was recently charged with battery and child neglect after an altercation in which he allegedly tried to force his fiancée to swallow her engagement ring when she tried to leave him. (More details here.)
This sort of abuse is depressingly commonplace when women try to free themselves from abusive and controlling men; indeed, if I posted every news account along these lines on this blog I wouldn’t have time to do anything else.
No, I mention this case because something that Thompson reportedly told police reveals a lot about the mindset of abusers. When they arrested him, police say, Thompson complained that:
Women always claim assault, but never accept responsibility for provoking someone.
That is how abusers think.
It’s also how a lot of MRAs think.
Indeed, when I read Thomson’s reported remarks, the y immediately brought to mind something written not that long ago by Karen Straughan, the YouTube videoblogger who goes by the name of Girl Writes What. Straughan describes herself in her A Voice for Men bio as “the most popular and visible MRA in North America,” and given the rapturous reception her videos get on You Tube and on Reddit, this may not be an idle boast.
In the rather revealing Reddit comment I’m thinking of (which I blogged about earlier), Straughan suggested not only that abused women regularly “demand” the abuse they receive, but that many of them also get some sort of sexual charge from it. Oh, I’m sure she’ll deny that she really meant all that, but I can’t see any other way to read the following.
Oh, and in case you were wondering what article she’s referring to in the last paragraph — the one she says isn’t “seriously ethically questionable” — it’s a post from the repugnant Ferdinand Bardamu arguing that men should “terrorize” their partners because that’s the “the only thing that makes them behave better than chimps.” For more about that charming piece, titled “The Necessity of Domestic Violence,” see my post here.
I’m having less and less of a problem with calling the Men’s Rights movement “the abusers lobby.”
I’m sure there are some MRAs who are as repulsed by Straughan’s argument as I am. If you’re one of them, and want your movement, such as it is, to be remembered as something other than “the abusers lobby,” you need to call out all those MRAs who make such arguments. Might I suggest that you start by challenging the “the most popular and visible MRA in North America,” otherwise known as Girl Writes What?
Wow, cloudiah. I almost thought you were exaggerating, but I should have known better.
Da fuck? I would give a Picard facepalm, but a facepalming requires that there be some kind of comprehensible point made.
And then they go on to talk about how discriminatory the Selective Service thing is. Yeah. As a man, I feel totally discriminated against: I have to sign a card signing me up for something that is politically impossible, and women don’t! Truly, the MRM is the great human rights movement of our age.
Browsing AVFM is an exercise in hilarity and despair. There’s an unintentionally hilarious “open letter” to PZ Myers, for instance, with this description: “The perfidious, concupiscent and carnally importuning Pee Zed Myers has put forth the idea that top level MRAs are needed at the upcoming women’s something or another conference hosted by such and such somewhere. JTO accepts.” Those sure are some words, JTO!
And yes, it turns out I AM talking about the OP here:
For anyone who was wondering how seriously to take Erin Pizzey, now you know!
RE: CassandraSays
I am angry with this person – why would I want to fuck them at that point in time?
Honestly, I think for some people, it’s a form of punishment, or a horrible ego stroke. “Ha, you fought with me, but now look at you, pleasuring me! You are MINE!”
There is a LOT of beliefs about being entitled to sex from another person. Because women are sometimes perceived to be sexual objects, and men are sometimes considered to be perpetually horny and therefore have “no excuse” to not have sex with someone. Emotional state is often considered to just be sloughing responsibility.
I hate that toxic crap.
@ katz
Yeah, that’s another thing. If “angry” and “want to fuck” are adjacent emotions for you, I really don’t want to have sex with you, because I don’t think that would be a safe situation for me.
@Kiwi girl, She doesn’t have any kids or pets, and lives with our Mom at present, but had fully intended to get a place with this guy. I don’t know if he’s ever been to the house, but I do know they don’t lock the door and he may well know the address. She lives in a pretty big city in Quebec, so I can’t imagine they don’t have a women’s group, counselor, etc.. She does have friends, but part of the problem is she doesn’t see it as abuse. It hurts her, makes her cry, etc., but she’s not…very well educated in these things. When I told her he was abusing her, she said, “He doesn’t hit me”. I feel like I’m walking a fine line. If I criticize him too much, she won’t want to tell me what’s going on. I can’t say nothing either because it’s not nothing. I mean, if this fucker gets her to move in with him, and then deletes her facebook account and makes her change her number, I will have no way of contacting her.
Ugh, imagine them all in a room together.
Alex: You have every right to be upset. He’s not sending up red flags for abuse. That is abuse.
@ Alex
Have you talked to your Mom about this? Since she’s right there it might be easier for her to intervene.
Okay, I can see where an argument could make someone want to have sex. There’s a lot of adrenaline in your system and I know adrenaline rushes have that effect on me. To go from adrenaline rush = horny to abusing someone = scorching sex though is really fucked up. If someone really needed an adrenaline rush to get horny, as opposed to just looking for an excuse to abuse and sexually assault someone, they’re go for a run or play basketball or do some martial arts sparring or consensual BDSM play or anything else that involves an adrenaline rush OTHER THAN ABUSING SOMEONE.
The sad thing is, it might just pass the Bechdel test.
Sorry to continue the AVFM derail, but Jesus Hotsauce Christ:
http://www.avoiceformen.com/misandry/a-message-to-white-liberal-guilt-addicts//#more-31059
* Trying to appropriate The N-Slur for
menmisogynists—again.* Remember that hilarious image from Artistry Against Misandry that’s supposed to be Futrelle flagellating himself, but looks more like Michael Moore? That’s here, too.
* Yet more complaining about misandry while calling men who disagree “manginas.”
@Alex, I am so pleased she doesn’t live alone. The not locking the door could be an issue, it would be nice if they could get into that habit (if only to prevent burglary, or to get insurance if the house is burgled, most insurance companies won’t pay out if the house was unsecured). You’re so right about not criticizing him too much, in her mindset it may push her back together with him. So it sounds like you’re doing exactly the right things. 🙂
Rather than framing talking to a women’s group, or indeed a counsellor, as “counselling” – and therefore maybe your sister may read that as “Alex thinks something is wrong with me” – could it be framed as “if you want to talk to people about your relationship, there’s all these types of people who are happy to listen to you.” So that way, it becomes a way of your sister talking back control and choosing to talk to someone, on her terms, rather than a “these people will listen to you and help you stop being broken”.
She’s your sister, so you are the expert on being a sister to her, and not me. 🙂 I’m so happy that she has such a loving sibling there for her. Also, regardless of whether she finds someone else to talk to, she is likely to get back with him. This website says it takes an average of 7 times before a woman will leave for good, I have also heard the number 3, but of course every situation is different and an average is just that, a middle estimate.
Just remember to keep yourself emotionally and physically safe too. As you do nurturing for your sister, you’ll need more nurturing yourself. Be kind to yourself emotionally. 🙂
@ Noadi, re/ adrenaline rush = horniness
Any emotion that raises tension (anxiety, anger, even sadness) can intensify arousal in some folks, I think. Hence, some people will engage in aggression as a prelude to sex. However, it’s a dangerous and in the end a self-defeating game. Most men I talk to understand that physical expressions of anger are degrading to both parties. The guy (or gal) who “loses it” reveals their own weakness and lack of control.
You think seven MRAs would talk about anything but men?
(I hope it doesn’t seem like I’m ignoring your sister; I just really can’t think of anything helpful to contribute.)
@CassandraSays,
Thing about my Mom is…well, a lot of things. She was emotionally and physically abusive to us as kids. She’s also endured many abusive relationships herself (and also abuse from her father and stepfather), and several of those men were abusive to us. She doesn’t want any of us to be in an abusive relationship, but she’s not great at explaining things. And all that’s sort of led to…well, neither my brother or my sister take much of what she says seriously at all (I don’t blame them), and I take it with a grain of salt. And…there’s no one else really. Thanks @cloudiah for the link though; I will pass that along. I just hope she’s able to stay out now before things get worse. :/
@katz, I did say “might”. l0l
I used to be your sister. I know it’s hard, but there’s nothing you can do for her until she decides to leave him.
If she knows you think he’s awful, then continuing to push the point might drive her away from you, and that isolation is what he wants. I would recommend trying to make contact with her regularly – call her around the same time every month – but don’t talk about her boyfriend. Just call to say hi. Catch up. Talk about movies you’ve seen. Just make sure she knows that connection to you is open.
When she considers leaving him, whether or not she thinks you’ll judge her for having stayed so long will be a factor in determining her choices.
RE: katz, Alex
Yeah, I feel bad, because I don’t know what to say either. : And I’ve been in that situation, so you’d think I’d be good at it! But we were kinda just… left to deal with it on our own. (Our folks actually specifically DIDN’T do anything for fear of driving us closer.)
Thinking back to that time, I think teenage us would’ve felt a lot better had we had SOMEWHERE we could talk about the relationship and not be afraid of how people would react. (Because to a sixteen year old, the idea of admitting you’re sexually active, however nonconsensually, is TERRIFYING. At least it was to us.) So we had no one to ask, and didn’t actually realize what a horrible mess we were in until we read a comic book about the same thing.
Just having someone who we felt safe going to or talking o if we were in trouble would’ve been really helpful.
@kiwgirl, Thank you so much, and “if you want to talk to people about your relationship, there’s all these types of people who are happy to listen to you” would be a good way of framing it.
Thanks all of you, actually. Logically, I know none of this is my fault, but sometimes I get survivor’s guilt for not taking her with me when my brother and I left our Mom. Again, logically, looking back, things might not have turned out for the better (my brother and I went to live with our Nana, and was sick with cancer and died five years later). It’s just sometimes I wish I could be there more often.
@whataboutthemoonz and LBT, I’m sorry you went through that. 🙁
Thanks for the insight, though.
If Mom helping isn’t a realistic option then I agree that keeping the channel of communication open is the most important thing. I wouldn’t bring up the boyfriend out of the blue, but I would offer opinions if she brings up stuff he’s done. You just have to be really careful that it comes across as concern rather than judgement towards her. I think framing things as “you shouldn’t have to deal with someone treating you like this” rather than “he is a terrible person” might be more effective, because it’s less likely to make her feel like she has to defend him.
I’ve told her there’s nothing wrong with her going out and having fun and hanging out with her friends, and that nobody has the right to try and stop her. I also said that if he didn’t want her doing things she liked, then he didn’t really like her, and that meant his opinion about anything didn’t matter. Though maybe that was a little too much. :/ Ah well. We’re talking about movies right now, and she hasn’t mentioned him, so I’ll leave that as is, I guess.
LOL, no. Not with these women.
And why does AVfM have so many women on its “board?” Does the rank and file not notice or care?
Alex: Hugs to you. I hope your sister is OK.
Why does AVfM even have a board? It’s a goddamn blog. And we know they could never actually get seven people in the same place at the same time, board members or no.
@Alex: no matter what has happened it is Not Your Fault. You weren’t the boyfriend, and you weren’t enabling the situation. Shit happens.
I reinforce what CassandraSays says (heh!): if she brings up behaviour, talk about the behaviour but not about him. Any emotional attachment to her will make her view comments about him personally as an attack and she is likely to spring to his defence. Her springing to his defence is then likely to reinforce any belief she might have about him “not being so bad” or “but he loves me deep down”. Basically, you’ll need to reject any time she tries to position you as the problem solver for her (non) relationship. That will set you up to be the bad person. Listening to her feelings, and validating those, are a good way forward. When I was trying to talk to people about my abusive ex (irrespective of which) most people argued against me (but he’s such a nice guy!) or didn’t want to listen. To be in that type of situation, when the person is actually trying to find the strength to leave and needs support, is fucking awful.
Typically, part of the emotional abuse will be to train the partner that they can’t trust their feelings. This means, and I have been in this situation, that you think that the situation feels bad, but because you keep being told that you’re making mountains out of molehills, or you misunderstood what was meant, or that you’re being too sensitive, your personal alarm system is now incorrectly calibrated. Many abusers are excellent manipulators, they do this over and over again so they are *practised* at what they do. The partner is left thinking that they’re being oversensitive and stupid. This experience appears to be in contrast to others’.
Current partner (of almost 12 years) IS a nice guy ™. And, you know, I don’t think he’s ever used that phrase to refer to himself. 🙂
Hugs to you both.
*gah, it should read “…any emotional attachment to him…”