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Feminists! Terrible news! “Heartiste” has been having sex with you!

There’s no good way to illustrate this post so here’s sleepy Maru in a box.

 

Lady feminists! I have some terrible, terrible news for you from pickup artiste Heartiste, the would-be God Emperor of Poon. Apparently he and his pals have been having sex with you all.

Heartiste lets us all in on this little secret in a post earlier this month titled “Lots Of Feminists Are Getting Banged Out By PUAs.” He explains that those dudes who “scavenge snatch” in upscale white neighborhoods in big American cities – what Heartiste in an attempt at humor likes to call Stuff White People Like Land (or SWPL-Land) – will by definition score with some of you feminist ladies.

This is because most girls in the big blue population sinks of SWPL-Land are feminists of one stripe or another. You can’t swing an Emperor Deluxe condom without hitting a feminist in the cooch if you live or operate within these zones of misandry.

Heartiste helpfully spells out for his readers some of the different kinds of feminists to be found in these misandry zones.

The first, the most extreme exponents of radical feminism are what one of his readers calls the “Jizzabel-type feminazi,” or what Heartiste himself calls “the femcunts.”

Yes, that’s right. Apparently the most radical of all feminist publications, the SCUM Manifesto for our internet era, is Jezebel.

Heartiste explains:

These are your Jizzebomb fanatics, the devotees of feminism as a life-affirming ideology. They are the smallest in number, but the loudest in bitchery and kookery. This is the kind of manjawed girl — typically a lawyer, academic, organic farmer or diversity consultant — who reads and comments daily at sites like Feministing and Slate/Salon/SuckMyClit with furrowed brow, regurgitating what she learns therein at parties and in the middle of dates, exposing a vile expectation that all the world should agree with where her retarded logic takes her.

Uh, I’m familiar with Feministing, and Slate and Salon, but I’m afraid I don’t have any idea about this mysterious “SuckMyClit” site he’s referring to. (There isn’t even a site up by that name, though enterprising publishers will be happy to learn that the domain name is for sale.)

Heartiste continues:

As long as you don’t embroil yourself in her occasional tantrums at invisible enemies, and keep the pick-up light and breezy while steering her in different conversational directions whenever you sniff the approach of another feminist tirade carried along by the id winds, you will get the bang. She is, underneath her femcuntery, still a woman, and as such (however much you may need reminding) she will respond viscerally to ancient cues of your mate worthiness, and her vagina will flower in spectacular opposition to the wilting of her mind.

Heartiste is an even worse writer of erotic fiction than E.L. James.

Oh, and here’s another little bit of shitthatneverhappened.txt. (TW for crude rape reference.)

You don’t want to stay with women like these beyond a few hate smashes, so for shits and giggles I suggest you regale her in the morning with your support of the Second Amendment and the ludicrousness of the equal pay myth. For bonus soul-shivving points, casually muse aloud, after you have sprayed her mug and she’s inserted her glazed face into your armpit nook, that 1 in 5 women who are being raped will orgasm during the act.

Yes, that’s right. Heartiste is publicly posting his fantasies about Jezebel-reading radical feminists rubbing semen (his own) into his armpits with their faces.

Next in Heartiste’s imaginary classification scheme come The Partisans.

These are the girls who occasionally read feminist blogs (usually when a fat femcunt friend passes along a link) and parrot the benumbing Cathedral crap they hear on TV and read in approved MSM papers. But these soapbox episodes are blessedly infrequent and pass unremarked, unless they manage to corral some dipshit manboob into acting as a sounding board for their cockamamy nonsense on white male privilege and socially constructed beauty standards (Hugs Shyster, Scrotumless Scalzi, I’m looking at you two distilled estrogen pools.)

Hey, a shoutout! Thanks, pal!

And finally, The Lemmings:

MOST women in the cities will have spent the better part of their sexually adventurous single girl years steeped in the platitudes of feminism, and they will know nothing else. Combined with women’s natural aversion to abstract thinking beyond immediate, selfish concerns, what you wind up with is a population of lickspittle lemmings who mindlessly nod in agreement every time a talking head exploiting this deficiency in the mental circuitry of half the voting public sonorously intones something about “equal pay for equal work”, or “war on women”. The Lemmings, by far the largest group of women you will likely encounter unless you live in South Dakota, include all types of girls, from club sluts to self-important HR robots to daddy’s princesses to deliriously frantic scenesters. Luckily for your sanity, these girls do not take feminism seriously … .

In the end, Heartiste tells his readers that “90% of your city’s women are feminist in name if not in execution.”

So they’re feminists, even though they’re not really feminists. Gotcha. With such an expansive definition, it’s no wonder Heartiste is convinced that a significant portion of the women he “bangs out” – whether in the real world or in his fevered imagination – are feminists of some sort.

He concludes:

Most hardcore feminists, whether or not they know it, are fucking men who either pretend to give a shit about their precious ideology, or don’t even bother with the pretense of pretending to give a shit about it. In fact, the majority of men, and an even bigger majority of players, are like me: they find feminism absurd on its face and will dismissively change the subject anytime the girls they are seeing make the mistake of veering into feminist bromide territory. Most girls are sensible and will know when their feminist retardation is turning off the men they like, and will quickly fall in line with the change of subject.

There are exceptions. A few supercharged feminists will eventually wind up with sycophantic manboobs for lovers, and a more perfect pairing I couldn’t imagine.

Aw. Another shoutout. It’s almost as if he has some sort of he-man heterosexual man crush on me.

 

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The Kittehs' Unpaid Help
The Kittehs' Unpaid Help
11 years ago

eline – the thing that gets me is that surely these guys are ramping up their chances of rejection by running around with this supposed wonder script. Wouldn’t trying to hit on women by acting like a complete douche make their overall chances of sex worse? It’d sure knock the stuffing out of their chances of having a fun evening that didn’t lead to sex. Of course that assumes anyone who’s been sucked in by PUA actually wants to socialise, of course … surely they don’t all hate women as much as Roissy does.

katz
11 years ago

Myoo has inspired a new Pierre.

ostara321
ostara321
11 years ago

@Carleyblue – yes, exactly. I have a hard time keeping quiet if it’s something they bring up that’s really bad (like, a sister’s ex-coworker who felt the need to call the dark allyway that lead to his apartment building “rape street”) but for the most part, I don’t even like to talk politics with people I don’t know very well, especially at a party or club. And in my experience, it’s the people who repeat Fox News talking points, who have to bring up such wrongheaded things even moderates or mildly right of center people would say “um, actually, no, it’s not like that at ALL.”

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help
The Kittehs' Unpaid Help
11 years ago

New Pierre, yayyy!

So, is he about to have a serious case of Feline Paralysis? 🙂

Love the glimpse of his blue jammies.

MorkaisChosen
MorkaisChosen
11 years ago

KITTY!

*ahem*

(Weird thing is I’m not a great fan of animals in person – combination of feeling like they might attack me and I might break them…)

cloudiah
11 years ago

I love the cat scratcher and little pink mouse. What font are you using, katz? I like.

katz
11 years ago

The font is Tekton Pro (it came with my copy of Photoshop). Unlike most comic artists, I prefer using mixed case, which cuts down my options a lot.

LBT
LBT
11 years ago

RE: CassandraSays/inurashii

Aaaaand it’s shit like that that meant I didn’t want much to do with the scene. I looked at it, heard all the horror stories, and wanted nothing to do with it.

cloudiah
11 years ago

katz, you are a comic artist going your own way (CAGYOW, which I think sounds like a Canadian kitty’s meow).

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help
The Kittehs' Unpaid Help
11 years ago

CAGYOW – love it!

It also sounds similar to the mythical Yowie (a downunder rello of Bigfoot, the Yeti and so on).

LBT
LBT
11 years ago

Oh! Hey guys! Hey hey! 😀

Remember my webcomic I was talking about? Well, still working on getting the site up and running (I have enough strips that the tech side is going to keep me busy a bit), but some of the earliest strips are up for viewing: http://lb-lee.tumblr.com/tagged/doodlestrips

Because I have like, ninety strips, and they’re all in pencil, I’m trying to decide whether it’s worthwhile to go back and ink every single one of them. (Normally not that long a process, but… NINETY STRIPS.) So I come to Manboobz!

Anyone have thoughts or preferences?

So far, the tentative title is Cracks of Sunshine.

cloudiah
11 years ago

This made me laugh pretty hard:

cloudiah
11 years ago

I like Cracks of Sunshine as a name. “Foresight” was my favorite even though… ouch. No opinion on the inking; I think they look pretty good as is, though inking might make them easier to read.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help
The Kittehs' Unpaid Help
11 years ago

Love the Leather Anniversary and the superpower of Glitch!

I’d say just ink the ones you want to – doesn’t have to be all or none. If you think one works as is, leave it, or just darken the text a bit.

Cracks of Sunshine makes me think of plumbers in a Melbourne suburb … NOOOOOOOOO! 😉

katz
11 years ago

Yay doodle strips!

Inking would be helpful; I found some of them a little hard to make out. But you are mainly doing these to relax anyway, and I wouldn’t want to make them more of a burden.

Kim
Kim
11 years ago

The insult game also fits right in with male culture. Group of guys together, they lob insulting jokes about each other back and forth and the guy with the best zinger wins. Everyone laughs. So maybe some guys think the same approach will work with women and don’t realize that women are often socialized completely differently in this respect.

There’s also the fact they don’t realise that “shit you say to your mates” and “shit you say to people you just met and you want them to like you” rarely overlap…

Back in high school, my group of friends (all but 1 were girls) were really into zingers. Zingers differ from negging though, in that they are actually funny, and carefully done to never insult someone about their actual insecurities. My best friend (the guy), would often zing new people and then apologise by saying he was sorry – he only joked like that with people he liked, which was true. We never acted like that with people we didn’t actually like.

But, I rarely see that friend much anymore, and when I do, the things he says seem mean rather than funny. I don’t know whether he’s gotten nastier or if I am just not used to it anymore.

But what about the whole snark culture that is dominated by women (for eg Regretsy)?. That is the same kind of humour, but directed outward instead of within the group.

Falconer
11 years ago

I totally know that feel in “Foresight.” My knee isn’t the best, but it usually doesn’t give me trouble. Stairs are a growing problem, though.

I like Cracks of Sunshine, it’s hopeful. (We just sat under three and a half days of rain and a half day of snow, I could use some sunshine! Hey Kitteh’s and lowquacks, could we borrow about five degrees? We have a metric fucktonne of water to trade for them.)

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help
The Kittehs' Unpaid Help
11 years ago

Done deal, Falconer! Your degrees will be packed and sent by courier this afternoon. Don’t forget the special offer: upgrade to Celsius and get two for the price of one!

LBT
LBT
11 years ago

Thanks, guys! Thankfully, my knee is good now. The early strips are definitely the roughest, since I hadn’t gotten into the habit of drawing everyday and I hadn’t figured out what the subject matter was going to be. (Also, I was going CRAZY being trapped on the couch all the time.) And I’m going to either try to ink or reletter them, at least, because I know my handwriting is a pain in the ass. (Plus, the earliest ones I didn’t figure would ever be a webcomic.)

Falconer
11 years ago

OH the inking thing! I tend to prefer comics that are inked, because I find pencils hard to read sometimes, but you don’t look like you’re doing anything too intricate, and I can read yours just fine.

For instance, I once saw a pencilled panel from a Transformers comic in which the characters were so riddled with cracks and cosmetic wear that they were hard to make out against the background.

I have a little trouble sometimes with lettering that isn’t uniform (that’s my problem, not yours, and I think maybe it comes from reading mainstream comics more than indies and underground), and inked letters stand out better, I think.

But it’s your comic. Don’t let me dictate how you work it.

Falconer
11 years ago

@Kitteh’s, I was kind of doing a rough Celsius. I figger 5 C is about 10 F, which won’t make it T-shirt weather but I won’t have to scrape my car in the mornings.

LBT
LBT
11 years ago

RE: Falconer

I know that my handwriting is rotten for comics lettering; it’s something I’m working to improve, but there’s a long ways to go. At the least, I’ll fix up the lettering, and I’m going to ink the new strips. The old ones are on such crappy paper that I haven’t quite figured out what I’m going to do with them yet.

As for the title, a friend of mine came up with it. I was having trouble finding a title that expressed the kind of feeling I’m going for, that mental illness can suck, but it doesn’t devalue the human who has it, and that there shouldn’t be shame in admitting about the horrible things that happen sometimes.

Falconer
11 years ago

@LBT: No worries, you’ll get better, and in the meantime I’ll enjoy your comics because the lettering is only a teensy problem.

Kim
Kim
11 years ago

Can you ink them in Illustrator/Photoshop? So you don’t have to worry about the paper.

Myoo
Myoo
11 years ago

@Katz
Yay, that was a great comic 😀