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Feminists! Terrible news! “Heartiste” has been having sex with you!

There’s no good way to illustrate this post so here’s sleepy Maru in a box.

 

Lady feminists! I have some terrible, terrible news for you from pickup artiste Heartiste, the would-be God Emperor of Poon. Apparently he and his pals have been having sex with you all.

Heartiste lets us all in on this little secret in a post earlier this month titled “Lots Of Feminists Are Getting Banged Out By PUAs.” He explains that those dudes who “scavenge snatch” in upscale white neighborhoods in big American cities – what Heartiste in an attempt at humor likes to call Stuff White People Like Land (or SWPL-Land) – will by definition score with some of you feminist ladies.

This is because most girls in the big blue population sinks of SWPL-Land are feminists of one stripe or another. You can’t swing an Emperor Deluxe condom without hitting a feminist in the cooch if you live or operate within these zones of misandry.

Heartiste helpfully spells out for his readers some of the different kinds of feminists to be found in these misandry zones.

The first, the most extreme exponents of radical feminism are what one of his readers calls the “Jizzabel-type feminazi,” or what Heartiste himself calls “the femcunts.”

Yes, that’s right. Apparently the most radical of all feminist publications, the SCUM Manifesto for our internet era, is Jezebel.

Heartiste explains:

These are your Jizzebomb fanatics, the devotees of feminism as a life-affirming ideology. They are the smallest in number, but the loudest in bitchery and kookery. This is the kind of manjawed girl — typically a lawyer, academic, organic farmer or diversity consultant — who reads and comments daily at sites like Feministing and Slate/Salon/SuckMyClit with furrowed brow, regurgitating what she learns therein at parties and in the middle of dates, exposing a vile expectation that all the world should agree with where her retarded logic takes her.

Uh, I’m familiar with Feministing, and Slate and Salon, but I’m afraid I don’t have any idea about this mysterious “SuckMyClit” site he’s referring to. (There isn’t even a site up by that name, though enterprising publishers will be happy to learn that the domain name is for sale.)

Heartiste continues:

As long as you don’t embroil yourself in her occasional tantrums at invisible enemies, and keep the pick-up light and breezy while steering her in different conversational directions whenever you sniff the approach of another feminist tirade carried along by the id winds, you will get the bang. She is, underneath her femcuntery, still a woman, and as such (however much you may need reminding) she will respond viscerally to ancient cues of your mate worthiness, and her vagina will flower in spectacular opposition to the wilting of her mind.

Heartiste is an even worse writer of erotic fiction than E.L. James.

Oh, and here’s another little bit of shitthatneverhappened.txt. (TW for crude rape reference.)

You don’t want to stay with women like these beyond a few hate smashes, so for shits and giggles I suggest you regale her in the morning with your support of the Second Amendment and the ludicrousness of the equal pay myth. For bonus soul-shivving points, casually muse aloud, after you have sprayed her mug and she’s inserted her glazed face into your armpit nook, that 1 in 5 women who are being raped will orgasm during the act.

Yes, that’s right. Heartiste is publicly posting his fantasies about Jezebel-reading radical feminists rubbing semen (his own) into his armpits with their faces.

Next in Heartiste’s imaginary classification scheme come The Partisans.

These are the girls who occasionally read feminist blogs (usually when a fat femcunt friend passes along a link) and parrot the benumbing Cathedral crap they hear on TV and read in approved MSM papers. But these soapbox episodes are blessedly infrequent and pass unremarked, unless they manage to corral some dipshit manboob into acting as a sounding board for their cockamamy nonsense on white male privilege and socially constructed beauty standards (Hugs Shyster, Scrotumless Scalzi, I’m looking at you two distilled estrogen pools.)

Hey, a shoutout! Thanks, pal!

And finally, The Lemmings:

MOST women in the cities will have spent the better part of their sexually adventurous single girl years steeped in the platitudes of feminism, and they will know nothing else. Combined with women’s natural aversion to abstract thinking beyond immediate, selfish concerns, what you wind up with is a population of lickspittle lemmings who mindlessly nod in agreement every time a talking head exploiting this deficiency in the mental circuitry of half the voting public sonorously intones something about “equal pay for equal work”, or “war on women”. The Lemmings, by far the largest group of women you will likely encounter unless you live in South Dakota, include all types of girls, from club sluts to self-important HR robots to daddy’s princesses to deliriously frantic scenesters. Luckily for your sanity, these girls do not take feminism seriously … .

In the end, Heartiste tells his readers that “90% of your city’s women are feminist in name if not in execution.”

So they’re feminists, even though they’re not really feminists. Gotcha. With such an expansive definition, it’s no wonder Heartiste is convinced that a significant portion of the women he “bangs out” – whether in the real world or in his fevered imagination – are feminists of some sort.

He concludes:

Most hardcore feminists, whether or not they know it, are fucking men who either pretend to give a shit about their precious ideology, or don’t even bother with the pretense of pretending to give a shit about it. In fact, the majority of men, and an even bigger majority of players, are like me: they find feminism absurd on its face and will dismissively change the subject anytime the girls they are seeing make the mistake of veering into feminist bromide territory. Most girls are sensible and will know when their feminist retardation is turning off the men they like, and will quickly fall in line with the change of subject.

There are exceptions. A few supercharged feminists will eventually wind up with sycophantic manboobs for lovers, and a more perfect pairing I couldn’t imagine.

Aw. Another shoutout. It’s almost as if he has some sort of he-man heterosexual man crush on me.

 

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The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

eline – the thing that gets me is that surely these guys are ramping up their chances of rejection by running around with this supposed wonder script. Wouldn’t trying to hit on women by acting like a complete douche make their overall chances of sex worse? It’d sure knock the stuffing out of their chances of having a fun evening that didn’t lead to sex. Of course that assumes anyone who’s been sucked in by PUA actually wants to socialise, of course … surely they don’t all hate women as much as Roissy does.

katz
8 years ago

Myoo has inspired a new Pierre.

ostara321
ostara321
8 years ago

@Carleyblue – yes, exactly. I have a hard time keeping quiet if it’s something they bring up that’s really bad (like, a sister’s ex-coworker who felt the need to call the dark allyway that lead to his apartment building “rape street”) but for the most part, I don’t even like to talk politics with people I don’t know very well, especially at a party or club. And in my experience, it’s the people who repeat Fox News talking points, who have to bring up such wrongheaded things even moderates or mildly right of center people would say “um, actually, no, it’s not like that at ALL.”

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

New Pierre, yayyy!

So, is he about to have a serious case of Feline Paralysis? 🙂

Love the glimpse of his blue jammies.

MorkaisChosen
MorkaisChosen
8 years ago

KITTY!

*ahem*

(Weird thing is I’m not a great fan of animals in person – combination of feeling like they might attack me and I might break them…)

cloudiah
8 years ago

I love the cat scratcher and little pink mouse. What font are you using, katz? I like.

katz
8 years ago

The font is Tekton Pro (it came with my copy of Photoshop). Unlike most comic artists, I prefer using mixed case, which cuts down my options a lot.

LBT
LBT
8 years ago

RE: CassandraSays/inurashii

Aaaaand it’s shit like that that meant I didn’t want much to do with the scene. I looked at it, heard all the horror stories, and wanted nothing to do with it.

cloudiah
8 years ago

katz, you are a comic artist going your own way (CAGYOW, which I think sounds like a Canadian kitty’s meow).

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

CAGYOW – love it!

It also sounds similar to the mythical Yowie (a downunder rello of Bigfoot, the Yeti and so on).

LBT
LBT
8 years ago

Oh! Hey guys! Hey hey! 😀

Remember my webcomic I was talking about? Well, still working on getting the site up and running (I have enough strips that the tech side is going to keep me busy a bit), but some of the earliest strips are up for viewing: http://lb-lee.tumblr.com/tagged/doodlestrips

Because I have like, ninety strips, and they’re all in pencil, I’m trying to decide whether it’s worthwhile to go back and ink every single one of them. (Normally not that long a process, but… NINETY STRIPS.) So I come to Manboobz!

Anyone have thoughts or preferences?

So far, the tentative title is Cracks of Sunshine.

cloudiah
8 years ago

This made me laugh pretty hard:

cloudiah
8 years ago

I like Cracks of Sunshine as a name. “Foresight” was my favorite even though… ouch. No opinion on the inking; I think they look pretty good as is, though inking might make them easier to read.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Love the Leather Anniversary and the superpower of Glitch!

I’d say just ink the ones you want to – doesn’t have to be all or none. If you think one works as is, leave it, or just darken the text a bit.

Cracks of Sunshine makes me think of plumbers in a Melbourne suburb … NOOOOOOOOO! 😉

katz
8 years ago

Yay doodle strips!

Inking would be helpful; I found some of them a little hard to make out. But you are mainly doing these to relax anyway, and I wouldn’t want to make them more of a burden.

Kim
Kim
8 years ago

The insult game also fits right in with male culture. Group of guys together, they lob insulting jokes about each other back and forth and the guy with the best zinger wins. Everyone laughs. So maybe some guys think the same approach will work with women and don’t realize that women are often socialized completely differently in this respect.

There’s also the fact they don’t realise that “shit you say to your mates” and “shit you say to people you just met and you want them to like you” rarely overlap…

Back in high school, my group of friends (all but 1 were girls) were really into zingers. Zingers differ from negging though, in that they are actually funny, and carefully done to never insult someone about their actual insecurities. My best friend (the guy), would often zing new people and then apologise by saying he was sorry – he only joked like that with people he liked, which was true. We never acted like that with people we didn’t actually like.

But, I rarely see that friend much anymore, and when I do, the things he says seem mean rather than funny. I don’t know whether he’s gotten nastier or if I am just not used to it anymore.

But what about the whole snark culture that is dominated by women (for eg Regretsy)?. That is the same kind of humour, but directed outward instead of within the group.

Falconer
8 years ago

I totally know that feel in “Foresight.” My knee isn’t the best, but it usually doesn’t give me trouble. Stairs are a growing problem, though.

I like Cracks of Sunshine, it’s hopeful. (We just sat under three and a half days of rain and a half day of snow, I could use some sunshine! Hey Kitteh’s and lowquacks, could we borrow about five degrees? We have a metric fucktonne of water to trade for them.)

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Done deal, Falconer! Your degrees will be packed and sent by courier this afternoon. Don’t forget the special offer: upgrade to Celsius and get two for the price of one!

LBT
LBT
8 years ago

Thanks, guys! Thankfully, my knee is good now. The early strips are definitely the roughest, since I hadn’t gotten into the habit of drawing everyday and I hadn’t figured out what the subject matter was going to be. (Also, I was going CRAZY being trapped on the couch all the time.) And I’m going to either try to ink or reletter them, at least, because I know my handwriting is a pain in the ass. (Plus, the earliest ones I didn’t figure would ever be a webcomic.)

Falconer
8 years ago

OH the inking thing! I tend to prefer comics that are inked, because I find pencils hard to read sometimes, but you don’t look like you’re doing anything too intricate, and I can read yours just fine.

For instance, I once saw a pencilled panel from a Transformers comic in which the characters were so riddled with cracks and cosmetic wear that they were hard to make out against the background.

I have a little trouble sometimes with lettering that isn’t uniform (that’s my problem, not yours, and I think maybe it comes from reading mainstream comics more than indies and underground), and inked letters stand out better, I think.

But it’s your comic. Don’t let me dictate how you work it.

Falconer
8 years ago

@Kitteh’s, I was kind of doing a rough Celsius. I figger 5 C is about 10 F, which won’t make it T-shirt weather but I won’t have to scrape my car in the mornings.

LBT
LBT
8 years ago

RE: Falconer

I know that my handwriting is rotten for comics lettering; it’s something I’m working to improve, but there’s a long ways to go. At the least, I’ll fix up the lettering, and I’m going to ink the new strips. The old ones are on such crappy paper that I haven’t quite figured out what I’m going to do with them yet.

As for the title, a friend of mine came up with it. I was having trouble finding a title that expressed the kind of feeling I’m going for, that mental illness can suck, but it doesn’t devalue the human who has it, and that there shouldn’t be shame in admitting about the horrible things that happen sometimes.

Falconer
8 years ago

@LBT: No worries, you’ll get better, and in the meantime I’ll enjoy your comics because the lettering is only a teensy problem.

Kim
Kim
8 years ago

Can you ink them in Illustrator/Photoshop? So you don’t have to worry about the paper.

Myoo
Myoo
8 years ago

@Katz
Yay, that was a great comic 😀

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

LBT — I totally don’t trust myself with ink/markers/pens/etc (I need my eraser damnit!), so I scan and print a copy of the original, in case I fuck it up. Point here is that you can get them on higher quality paper doing that.

Bearing my distrust of ink in mind, I’d only ink the words.

Sneak is strangely proud of your room, guess optimism makes the best of things?

Kitteh — can we arrange some system whereby we average the templates here and there? It’s supposed to be a high of 0°C tomorrow, -7°C tops with the windchill. That should average to a nice 20°C / 70°F or so.

M Dubz
M Dubz
8 years ago

@LBT- Those are really really good; I like them! I like the name! I also think that you should re-ink/photoshop them a bit to make them easier to read. But you don’t have to do them all right away; you could do your favorites and then clean the rest up as you continue to post new content (it worked for Jeph Jacques).

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Sounds like an excellent plan, Argenti. Make it a sort of permanent spring/autumn temps (with nights cold enough to get colour in the trees because I WANT COLOURED TREES, DAMMIT).

Now how to do it … there must be a way!

M Dubz
M Dubz
8 years ago

btw, I love all the artistic awesome we have going on in the commentariat, between Katz, LBT, and Shaenon, we have a proper little artists’ colony, and I like all you guys’ work sooo much!

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

I have finally been able to watch the Maru video. My intertubes at home seem to have melted in the heat, everything is sooooo sloooow and videos won’t load at all.

Maru in coat … ::diez of teh cute::

LBT
LBT
8 years ago

RE: Kim

I have GIMP, which works just as well for me, but my handwriting is actually a little WORSE digitally than it is by hand. (Don’t ask me why, I don’t know.) I’ll probably reink as many of them by hand as I can; it’s rougher but right now takes much less time.

RE: Argenti

I don’t really have good access to a printer, so I might just Xerox the old strips and ink by hand over it, then fix it up digitally.

Regardless, wooooo comic! 😀 (Even though it has nothing to do with kitties, MRAs, or other Manboobzer pastimes.)

katz
8 years ago

Yes, we should all get together and buy a freezing garret and sing songs from Rent.

Falconer
8 years ago

Hey, hey, hey guyze, have you heard? Adobe made Creative Suite 2 free to download! All you have to do is sign up, I don’t know how badly they’ll bug you to shell out for CS6.

I am assured by my mother’s employer’s tech guy* that this is 100% legit.

*yeah, I know, a ringing endorsement.

katz
8 years ago

I have GIMP, which works just as well for me, but my handwriting is actually a little WORSE digitally than it is by hand. (Don’t ask me why, I don’t know.)

I think it’s coefficients of friction. Any physical medium is actually transferring material from one object to another, so it necessarily has a rather high degree of friction, whereas if you’re using a tablet, there’s practically no friction. So one’s digital handwriting tends to be looser and sloppier because the amount of force you’re used to using causes the stylus to move more. And of course a mouse is an entirely different sort of motion.

M Dubz
M Dubz
8 years ago

@katz- As long as Taye Diggs can be our long suffering landlord, because RAWR.

Falconer
8 years ago

I also find I have to hold my tablet at a certain angle to fit it on my keyboard drawer, and it’s not necessarily the same angle I would hold a piece of paper.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Only time I’ve tried drawing via computer was the JohntheOtter pic, which isn’t really how I’d like my normal drawing to turn out! 😀

emilygoddess
emilygoddess
8 years ago

Still not sure how someone can have that much naked contempt for women and simultaneously declare that feminists are whining about “imaginary enemies”. It really ought to hurt to be that oblivious.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

katz, katz, I have an important question! Is Poutine scratching the couch in the first pic or is she just getting ready to jump up? I read it as her having a scritch-up first, which would be totally appropriate because she has a scratching post she’s ignoring.

emilygoddess
emilygoddess
8 years ago

Also, “Many Too Small Boxes” is my favorite Maru video. Here, have a longer version of that .gif: http://s53.beta.photobucket.com/user/Estrella84Azul/media/Emergency%20Cute/Maruinabox-1.gif.html?sort=3&o=7 (I don’t know how to embed images, sorry)

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

I don’t know if we can embed pics.

Here’s a Maru I haven’t seen before.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Oh pox, how did that happen? That’s not what I was trying to embed!

Try again:

http://youtu.be/vZh0G62PWmw

katz
8 years ago

Poutine is trying to jump up, I think.

Myoo
Myoo
8 years ago

@Falconer

Hey, hey, hey guyze, have you heard? Adobe made Creative Suite 2 free to download! All you have to do is sign up, I don’t know how badly they’ll bug you to shell out for CS6.

I had heard of this but sadly it is in fact not the case, as you can see from Adobe’s blog:
http://blogs.adobe.com/conversations/2013/01/update-on-cs2-and-acrobat-7-activation-servers.html

The downloads and serial numbers are because the activation servers for CS2 have been disabled and people who had bought CS2 previously would be unable to reinstall it.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

“Even though it has nothing to do with kitties, MRAs, or other Manboobzer pastimes.”

Still awesome! And xerox would work the same I imagine, I’m just the sort of geek for whom a printer is Not Optional

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

I’m the sort of not-geek who’s very grateful to have a printer – it’d cost a fortune printing photos otherwise! 😀

Falconer
8 years ago

@Myoo — I has a sad now 🙁

Oh, well.

LBT
LBT
8 years ago

-_- Urrrrgh. Have discovered that inking by hand doesn’t scan well. Which is really frustrating, since I draw by hand on the floor on my hands and knees, which is much better for my back.

Dammit, I have ninety plus strips! Why I can’t I just magically, instantly transport them to the internet without wanting to beat the wall with my forehead?

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

LBT, probably a silly idea, but would it work to scan the pics and then bump up the contrast just to make them clearer? I know it’s not at all the same as inking, but I’ve had some good results that way myself with drawings.

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
8 years ago

Assuming that crocheting on a little hook with beads is kind of similar in posture to drawing, does anyone have any hints for stopping muscle ache? My old RSI is catching up to me, plus I’m also getting shoulder pain. I have already figured out I need magnification and better light. I was wondering if raising my working surface would be a good idea – I’ve been using a spare space on the computer desk and have been hunched over. Sadly, I can’t do anything about the ageing process… grrr….

I will be having an ibruprofen + codeine evening tonight (oh Nurofen plus, how I love thee at times like this).