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Feminists! Terrible news! “Heartiste” has been having sex with you!

There’s no good way to illustrate this post so here’s sleepy Maru in a box.

 

Lady feminists! I have some terrible, terrible news for you from pickup artiste Heartiste, the would-be God Emperor of Poon. Apparently he and his pals have been having sex with you all.

Heartiste lets us all in on this little secret in a post earlier this month titled “Lots Of Feminists Are Getting Banged Out By PUAs.” He explains that those dudes who “scavenge snatch” in upscale white neighborhoods in big American cities – what Heartiste in an attempt at humor likes to call Stuff White People Like Land (or SWPL-Land) – will by definition score with some of you feminist ladies.

This is because most girls in the big blue population sinks of SWPL-Land are feminists of one stripe or another. You can’t swing an Emperor Deluxe condom without hitting a feminist in the cooch if you live or operate within these zones of misandry.

Heartiste helpfully spells out for his readers some of the different kinds of feminists to be found in these misandry zones.

The first, the most extreme exponents of radical feminism are what one of his readers calls the “Jizzabel-type feminazi,” or what Heartiste himself calls “the femcunts.”

Yes, that’s right. Apparently the most radical of all feminist publications, the SCUM Manifesto for our internet era, is Jezebel.

Heartiste explains:

These are your Jizzebomb fanatics, the devotees of feminism as a life-affirming ideology. They are the smallest in number, but the loudest in bitchery and kookery. This is the kind of manjawed girl — typically a lawyer, academic, organic farmer or diversity consultant — who reads and comments daily at sites like Feministing and Slate/Salon/SuckMyClit with furrowed brow, regurgitating what she learns therein at parties and in the middle of dates, exposing a vile expectation that all the world should agree with where her retarded logic takes her.

Uh, I’m familiar with Feministing, and Slate and Salon, but I’m afraid I don’t have any idea about this mysterious “SuckMyClit” site he’s referring to. (There isn’t even a site up by that name, though enterprising publishers will be happy to learn that the domain name is for sale.)

Heartiste continues:

As long as you don’t embroil yourself in her occasional tantrums at invisible enemies, and keep the pick-up light and breezy while steering her in different conversational directions whenever you sniff the approach of another feminist tirade carried along by the id winds, you will get the bang. She is, underneath her femcuntery, still a woman, and as such (however much you may need reminding) she will respond viscerally to ancient cues of your mate worthiness, and her vagina will flower in spectacular opposition to the wilting of her mind.

Heartiste is an even worse writer of erotic fiction than E.L. James.

Oh, and here’s another little bit of shitthatneverhappened.txt. (TW for crude rape reference.)

You don’t want to stay with women like these beyond a few hate smashes, so for shits and giggles I suggest you regale her in the morning with your support of the Second Amendment and the ludicrousness of the equal pay myth. For bonus soul-shivving points, casually muse aloud, after you have sprayed her mug and she’s inserted her glazed face into your armpit nook, that 1 in 5 women who are being raped will orgasm during the act.

Yes, that’s right. Heartiste is publicly posting his fantasies about Jezebel-reading radical feminists rubbing semen (his own) into his armpits with their faces.

Next in Heartiste’s imaginary classification scheme come The Partisans.

These are the girls who occasionally read feminist blogs (usually when a fat femcunt friend passes along a link) and parrot the benumbing Cathedral crap they hear on TV and read in approved MSM papers. But these soapbox episodes are blessedly infrequent and pass unremarked, unless they manage to corral some dipshit manboob into acting as a sounding board for their cockamamy nonsense on white male privilege and socially constructed beauty standards (Hugs Shyster, Scrotumless Scalzi, I’m looking at you two distilled estrogen pools.)

Hey, a shoutout! Thanks, pal!

And finally, The Lemmings:

MOST women in the cities will have spent the better part of their sexually adventurous single girl years steeped in the platitudes of feminism, and they will know nothing else. Combined with women’s natural aversion to abstract thinking beyond immediate, selfish concerns, what you wind up with is a population of lickspittle lemmings who mindlessly nod in agreement every time a talking head exploiting this deficiency in the mental circuitry of half the voting public sonorously intones something about “equal pay for equal work”, or “war on women”. The Lemmings, by far the largest group of women you will likely encounter unless you live in South Dakota, include all types of girls, from club sluts to self-important HR robots to daddy’s princesses to deliriously frantic scenesters. Luckily for your sanity, these girls do not take feminism seriously … .

In the end, Heartiste tells his readers that “90% of your city’s women are feminist in name if not in execution.”

So they’re feminists, even though they’re not really feminists. Gotcha. With such an expansive definition, it’s no wonder Heartiste is convinced that a significant portion of the women he “bangs out” – whether in the real world or in his fevered imagination – are feminists of some sort.

He concludes:

Most hardcore feminists, whether or not they know it, are fucking men who either pretend to give a shit about their precious ideology, or don’t even bother with the pretense of pretending to give a shit about it. In fact, the majority of men, and an even bigger majority of players, are like me: they find feminism absurd on its face and will dismissively change the subject anytime the girls they are seeing make the mistake of veering into feminist bromide territory. Most girls are sensible and will know when their feminist retardation is turning off the men they like, and will quickly fall in line with the change of subject.

There are exceptions. A few supercharged feminists will eventually wind up with sycophantic manboobs for lovers, and a more perfect pairing I couldn’t imagine.

Aw. Another shoutout. It’s almost as if he has some sort of he-man heterosexual man crush on me.

 

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Kim
Kim
11 years ago

Maybe he’s trying to get a new category included in 2013 – “Mansplainer of the year”

clairedammit
clairedammit
11 years ago

Argenti, what a coincidence! My Korg runs on spaghetti.

Have you ever held a ragdoll? When I was in high school, we took in a pregnant stray cat who gave birth to ragdoll kittens. When you pick them up, they feel like they have rubber bands for a skeleton.

clairedammit
clairedammit
11 years ago

Damn, forgot the video.

Serjeant Grumbles
Serjeant Grumbles
11 years ago

I’d like a norsk skogkatt.

Serjeant Grumbles
Serjeant Grumbles
11 years ago
Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
11 years ago

ALL THE KITTEHS

clairedamnit — electronic instruments and accessories should run on food stuffs, that’d be kind of awesome…or maybe too much like, um, cat lovers avert your eyes…catgut strings

Yeah, on further thought, organic instruments seem less awesome. Ragdolls remain adorable however.

csechrist
11 years ago

so is it bad i dont even bother reading the red italic text in these posts anymore?

I usually bypass the quoted parts too and just read David’s commentary. All MRAs sound basically the same anyway, so if you’ve heard one you’ve pretty much heard them all.

gelar
gelar
11 years ago

This kitten composed the intense, riveting soundtrack of its own day:

katz
11 years ago

I see a future in movie soundtracks for that kitteh.

boxofcrates
boxofcrates
11 years ago

He really doesn’t think words have meaning, does he? “Lickspittle lemmings”? “Respond viscerally to ancient cues of mate worthiness”? Take away his thesaurus, and burn it. The poor book has suffered enough.

And there’s just so much hate in it. Why does he even want to be with women if he hates them this much? Oh, wait, he probably doesn’t, he’s just a bully who wants to lord it over people he thinks are weaker than him.

Whatever. I love cats, but I’m deathly allergic. The videos are nice. At least videos don’t shut down my lungs, like real cats. Or shut down my brain, like the heartiste.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
11 years ago

That was better than most (all?) current pop music. That kitteh > Bieber.

Also, I think this might be a record for the fastest a thread has devolved (evolved?) into cats.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Hyacinth, minor matter, but could we knock it off with using “fedora wearing” as some sort of insult that marks someone as a PUA or whatever? It’s really irritating. My husband wears fedoras all the time. He is a million times more worthwhile person than all the MRMs and PUAs put together, and he looks bloody fantastic in a fedora.

Dvärghundspossen
11 years ago

It seems to have gone right over his head that sometimes women, feminist or no, sometimes bang guys they have no interest in getting to know, and that they will be the ones making the decision about it – not waiting around to be tricked into it.

So, I do believe he’s been to bed with feminists, if he could do an impression of a normal human being for long enough for them to think he’d be worth a tumble.

But he’s too blinded by his pussy cartel idea – that no woman ever has sex just for a bit of fun. Every single time, they are either tricked or calculating.

Precisely. If you’ve had a number of one-night-stands, it’s not unlikely that some of them were real douchebags, only you didn’t notice because they managed to act well enough during your short encounter. And? Why is this a problem? Why are women supposed to feel bad about it?

Oh, right, because sex in his mind is some weird zero-sum-game with winners and losers. He wants to tell feminists that they’ve LOST THE GAME.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Given how bad he’d be in bed (his total selfishness says “complete no-hoper” to me even if he knows some technical tricks) then it probably would be a loser’s game having sex with him, just not the way he thinks.

Shaenon
11 years ago

It is rather cute that he thinks that feminists talk about feminism all the time even when they’re out presumably to have a good time.

I, for one, am thoroughly convinced. These are obviously the recollections of a stud who spends his nights wowing hot women who just happen to have personalities consisting of a single lady-centric interest he’s heard about on the Internet, and who, felled by the sheer odor of his man-musk, instantly have sex with him that is totally real and not based on porn he’s seen. You can tell because most unscripted sex ends in a facial.

And when he comes up with one of his devastating put-downs to punish a woman for having scary lady bits, he definitely says it to a smokin’ hot babe’s face after making her grovel before his penis, as opposed to muttering it under his breath several hours after slinking past some women at a bus stop.

I don’t know how you could question the veracity of any of this.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

I <3 you, Shaenon! 😀

Even though "sheer odour of his man-musk" translated in my head as "rank BO" and made me gag a little.

mxe354
11 years ago

“”Even though “sheer odour of his man-musk” translated in my head as “rank BO” and made me gag a little.”

To be fair, men tend to have a smell distinct from women. It’s not BO, but rather a natural smell that they have. And when it’s not mixed with BO, it actually smells pretty nice. Maybe I’m just really weird, though.

And in any case, Heartiste does a horrible job at making it sound appealing by calling it the “sheer odour” of “man-musk”. Blech.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Oh, I’m well aware of that – like you said, it’s his lousy wording that brings such a pukologous thought to mind. That, and it being 40C here and the smells of sweaty men on overheated trams … ewwww.

fearnothing
fearnothing
11 years ago

Wait. Does he think he’s an alpha? Have I told you guys how much I hate the terms alpha and beta?

I was under the impression that all PUAs thought they were alphas, or thought that ‘Game’ was a way of learning to act like an alpha does around women even if you weren’t naturally an alpha.

What it really seems to say to me is that they know they can’t find any woman who would respect them, so they’ll settle for a woman who doesn’t care. That sound accurate?

bengalcatmum
bengalcatmum
11 years ago

All the kitty videos were fun and awesome. Not so much Heartiste. He’s repulsive.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Cat poo’s got more sex appeal than Fartiste. Runny cat poo.

lowquacks
lowquacks
11 years ago

Even Heartiste thinks sex with Heartiste is unpleasant!

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Only glimmer of honesty he’s ever had.

How’s the weather up there, lowquacks?

lowquacks
lowquacks
11 years ago

Very warm and humid. What about down Melbourne way?

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Hit 40 again. There were a couple of big fires near home – not near enough to threaten my place, but closer than I’ve known before. One was in a car recycling plant and I could see a huge plume of dark smoke from it on the train coming home. They seem to be under control now, though. Have you had any more fires round your area?