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Feminists! Terrible news! “Heartiste” has been having sex with you!

There’s no good way to illustrate this post so here’s sleepy Maru in a box.

 

Lady feminists! I have some terrible, terrible news for you from pickup artiste Heartiste, the would-be God Emperor of Poon. Apparently he and his pals have been having sex with you all.

Heartiste lets us all in on this little secret in a post earlier this month titled “Lots Of Feminists Are Getting Banged Out By PUAs.” He explains that those dudes who “scavenge snatch” in upscale white neighborhoods in big American cities – what Heartiste in an attempt at humor likes to call Stuff White People Like Land (or SWPL-Land) – will by definition score with some of you feminist ladies.

This is because most girls in the big blue population sinks of SWPL-Land are feminists of one stripe or another. You can’t swing an Emperor Deluxe condom without hitting a feminist in the cooch if you live or operate within these zones of misandry.

Heartiste helpfully spells out for his readers some of the different kinds of feminists to be found in these misandry zones.

The first, the most extreme exponents of radical feminism are what one of his readers calls the “Jizzabel-type feminazi,” or what Heartiste himself calls “the femcunts.”

Yes, that’s right. Apparently the most radical of all feminist publications, the SCUM Manifesto for our internet era, is Jezebel.

Heartiste explains:

These are your Jizzebomb fanatics, the devotees of feminism as a life-affirming ideology. They are the smallest in number, but the loudest in bitchery and kookery. This is the kind of manjawed girl — typically a lawyer, academic, organic farmer or diversity consultant — who reads and comments daily at sites like Feministing and Slate/Salon/SuckMyClit with furrowed brow, regurgitating what she learns therein at parties and in the middle of dates, exposing a vile expectation that all the world should agree with where her retarded logic takes her.

Uh, I’m familiar with Feministing, and Slate and Salon, but I’m afraid I don’t have any idea about this mysterious “SuckMyClit” site he’s referring to. (There isn’t even a site up by that name, though enterprising publishers will be happy to learn that the domain name is for sale.)

Heartiste continues:

As long as you don’t embroil yourself in her occasional tantrums at invisible enemies, and keep the pick-up light and breezy while steering her in different conversational directions whenever you sniff the approach of another feminist tirade carried along by the id winds, you will get the bang. She is, underneath her femcuntery, still a woman, and as such (however much you may need reminding) she will respond viscerally to ancient cues of your mate worthiness, and her vagina will flower in spectacular opposition to the wilting of her mind.

Heartiste is an even worse writer of erotic fiction than E.L. James.

Oh, and here’s another little bit of shitthatneverhappened.txt. (TW for crude rape reference.)

You don’t want to stay with women like these beyond a few hate smashes, so for shits and giggles I suggest you regale her in the morning with your support of the Second Amendment and the ludicrousness of the equal pay myth. For bonus soul-shivving points, casually muse aloud, after you have sprayed her mug and she’s inserted her glazed face into your armpit nook, that 1 in 5 women who are being raped will orgasm during the act.

Yes, that’s right. Heartiste is publicly posting his fantasies about Jezebel-reading radical feminists rubbing semen (his own) into his armpits with their faces.

Next in Heartiste’s imaginary classification scheme come The Partisans.

These are the girls who occasionally read feminist blogs (usually when a fat femcunt friend passes along a link) and parrot the benumbing Cathedral crap they hear on TV and read in approved MSM papers. But these soapbox episodes are blessedly infrequent and pass unremarked, unless they manage to corral some dipshit manboob into acting as a sounding board for their cockamamy nonsense on white male privilege and socially constructed beauty standards (Hugs Shyster, Scrotumless Scalzi, I’m looking at you two distilled estrogen pools.)

Hey, a shoutout! Thanks, pal!

And finally, The Lemmings:

MOST women in the cities will have spent the better part of their sexually adventurous single girl years steeped in the platitudes of feminism, and they will know nothing else. Combined with women’s natural aversion to abstract thinking beyond immediate, selfish concerns, what you wind up with is a population of lickspittle lemmings who mindlessly nod in agreement every time a talking head exploiting this deficiency in the mental circuitry of half the voting public sonorously intones something about “equal pay for equal work”, or “war on women”. The Lemmings, by far the largest group of women you will likely encounter unless you live in South Dakota, include all types of girls, from club sluts to self-important HR robots to daddy’s princesses to deliriously frantic scenesters. Luckily for your sanity, these girls do not take feminism seriously … .

In the end, Heartiste tells his readers that “90% of your city’s women are feminist in name if not in execution.”

So they’re feminists, even though they’re not really feminists. Gotcha. With such an expansive definition, it’s no wonder Heartiste is convinced that a significant portion of the women he “bangs out” – whether in the real world or in his fevered imagination – are feminists of some sort.

He concludes:

Most hardcore feminists, whether or not they know it, are fucking men who either pretend to give a shit about their precious ideology, or don’t even bother with the pretense of pretending to give a shit about it. In fact, the majority of men, and an even bigger majority of players, are like me: they find feminism absurd on its face and will dismissively change the subject anytime the girls they are seeing make the mistake of veering into feminist bromide territory. Most girls are sensible and will know when their feminist retardation is turning off the men they like, and will quickly fall in line with the change of subject.

There are exceptions. A few supercharged feminists will eventually wind up with sycophantic manboobs for lovers, and a more perfect pairing I couldn’t imagine.

Aw. Another shoutout. It’s almost as if he has some sort of he-man heterosexual man crush on me.

 

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Kim
Kim
8 years ago

Maybe he’s trying to get a new category included in 2013 – “Mansplainer of the year”

clairedammit
clairedammit
8 years ago

Argenti, what a coincidence! My Korg runs on spaghetti.

Have you ever held a ragdoll? When I was in high school, we took in a pregnant stray cat who gave birth to ragdoll kittens. When you pick them up, they feel like they have rubber bands for a skeleton.

clairedammit
clairedammit
8 years ago

Damn, forgot the video.

Serjeant Grumbles
Serjeant Grumbles
8 years ago

I’d like a norsk skogkatt.

Serjeant Grumbles
Serjeant Grumbles
8 years ago
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

ALL THE KITTEHS

clairedamnit — electronic instruments and accessories should run on food stuffs, that’d be kind of awesome…or maybe too much like, um, cat lovers avert your eyes…catgut strings

Yeah, on further thought, organic instruments seem less awesome. Ragdolls remain adorable however.

csechrist
8 years ago

so is it bad i dont even bother reading the red italic text in these posts anymore?

I usually bypass the quoted parts too and just read David’s commentary. All MRAs sound basically the same anyway, so if you’ve heard one you’ve pretty much heard them all.

gelar
gelar
8 years ago

This kitten composed the intense, riveting soundtrack of its own day:

katz
8 years ago

I see a future in movie soundtracks for that kitteh.

boxofcrates
boxofcrates
8 years ago

He really doesn’t think words have meaning, does he? “Lickspittle lemmings”? “Respond viscerally to ancient cues of mate worthiness”? Take away his thesaurus, and burn it. The poor book has suffered enough.

And there’s just so much hate in it. Why does he even want to be with women if he hates them this much? Oh, wait, he probably doesn’t, he’s just a bully who wants to lord it over people he thinks are weaker than him.

Whatever. I love cats, but I’m deathly allergic. The videos are nice. At least videos don’t shut down my lungs, like real cats. Or shut down my brain, like the heartiste.

Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

That was better than most (all?) current pop music. That kitteh > Bieber.

Also, I think this might be a record for the fastest a thread has devolved (evolved?) into cats.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Hyacinth, minor matter, but could we knock it off with using “fedora wearing” as some sort of insult that marks someone as a PUA or whatever? It’s really irritating. My husband wears fedoras all the time. He is a million times more worthwhile person than all the MRMs and PUAs put together, and he looks bloody fantastic in a fedora.

Dvärghundspossen
8 years ago

It seems to have gone right over his head that sometimes women, feminist or no, sometimes bang guys they have no interest in getting to know, and that they will be the ones making the decision about it – not waiting around to be tricked into it.

So, I do believe he’s been to bed with feminists, if he could do an impression of a normal human being for long enough for them to think he’d be worth a tumble.

But he’s too blinded by his pussy cartel idea – that no woman ever has sex just for a bit of fun. Every single time, they are either tricked or calculating.

Precisely. If you’ve had a number of one-night-stands, it’s not unlikely that some of them were real douchebags, only you didn’t notice because they managed to act well enough during your short encounter. And? Why is this a problem? Why are women supposed to feel bad about it?

Oh, right, because sex in his mind is some weird zero-sum-game with winners and losers. He wants to tell feminists that they’ve LOST THE GAME.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Given how bad he’d be in bed (his total selfishness says “complete no-hoper” to me even if he knows some technical tricks) then it probably would be a loser’s game having sex with him, just not the way he thinks.

Shaenon
8 years ago

It is rather cute that he thinks that feminists talk about feminism all the time even when they’re out presumably to have a good time.

I, for one, am thoroughly convinced. These are obviously the recollections of a stud who spends his nights wowing hot women who just happen to have personalities consisting of a single lady-centric interest he’s heard about on the Internet, and who, felled by the sheer odor of his man-musk, instantly have sex with him that is totally real and not based on porn he’s seen. You can tell because most unscripted sex ends in a facial.

And when he comes up with one of his devastating put-downs to punish a woman for having scary lady bits, he definitely says it to a smokin’ hot babe’s face after making her grovel before his penis, as opposed to muttering it under his breath several hours after slinking past some women at a bus stop.

I don’t know how you could question the veracity of any of this.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

I <3 you, Shaenon! 😀

Even though "sheer odour of his man-musk" translated in my head as "rank BO" and made me gag a little.

mxe354
mxe354
8 years ago

“”Even though “sheer odour of his man-musk” translated in my head as “rank BO” and made me gag a little.”

To be fair, men tend to have a smell distinct from women. It’s not BO, but rather a natural smell that they have. And when it’s not mixed with BO, it actually smells pretty nice. Maybe I’m just really weird, though.

And in any case, Heartiste does a horrible job at making it sound appealing by calling it the “sheer odour” of “man-musk”. Blech.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Oh, I’m well aware of that – like you said, it’s his lousy wording that brings such a pukologous thought to mind. That, and it being 40C here and the smells of sweaty men on overheated trams … ewwww.

fearnothing
fearnothing
8 years ago

Wait. Does he think he’s an alpha? Have I told you guys how much I hate the terms alpha and beta?

I was under the impression that all PUAs thought they were alphas, or thought that ‘Game’ was a way of learning to act like an alpha does around women even if you weren’t naturally an alpha.

What it really seems to say to me is that they know they can’t find any woman who would respect them, so they’ll settle for a woman who doesn’t care. That sound accurate?

bengalcatmum
bengalcatmum
8 years ago

All the kitty videos were fun and awesome. Not so much Heartiste. He’s repulsive.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Cat poo’s got more sex appeal than Fartiste. Runny cat poo.

lowquacks
lowquacks
8 years ago

Even Heartiste thinks sex with Heartiste is unpleasant!

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Only glimmer of honesty he’s ever had.

How’s the weather up there, lowquacks?

lowquacks
lowquacks
8 years ago

Very warm and humid. What about down Melbourne way?

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Hit 40 again. There were a couple of big fires near home – not near enough to threaten my place, but closer than I’ve known before. One was in a car recycling plant and I could see a huge plume of dark smoke from it on the train coming home. They seem to be under control now, though. Have you had any more fires round your area?

lowquacks
lowquacks
8 years ago

Not that I know of.since all the big fires a bit south of here back at the hottest part of January.

MorkaisChosen
MorkaisChosen
8 years ago

Is it weird that:

women’s natural aversion to abstract thinking beyond immediate, selfish concerns,

stood out to me as particularly bad in the context of the rest of that thing?

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

@lowquacks – that’s good. Let’s hope it settles down, though there’s still February to go yet (shudder). Roll on autumn.

@MorkaisChosen – bad as in Roissy’s woeful writing, or bad as in the irony of him claiming other people are the ones stuck on “immediate, selfish concerns”?

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Oh lor’, I just found an Oglaf cartoon that’s so relevant, and even mentions Scented Fucking Candles! NSFW!

eline
eline
8 years ago

I think he’s trying to be funny to his audience whilst trying to enrage (feminist) women, but it fails so bad as his tirade doesn’t have enough truthfulness woven between the lies so it doesn’t stick. It doesn’t offend because there is nothing I could actually relate to.

Dear Heartiste, the trick to doing it right is to make the insult truth-based enough to make it hit the target, lies and exaggerations are a nice extra or a cherry on top. But then, you wouldn’t know a whole lot about feminists or even women in general. You think you do because you “observe” and “reason” but you do it all through an odd filter that distorts reality. So you’ll keep missing the target. Keep writing these, they’re amusing for the rest of us!

Tina
Tina
8 years ago

First: Thank you for all the kitties! Maru is adorable! Belly up and meowing! (I always watch additional videos after the one presented has finished playing)

Second: My language is getting worse by reading these MRA thingy’s.

Third: This Heartiste? He hates himself more than he hates feminists, methinks. Wouldn’t it be better to withhold his manly goodness rather than spread it all around? (ew)

MorkaisChosen
MorkaisChosen
8 years ago

Kitteh’s Help: bad as in “well fuck you and your ideas about women.”

I dunno, for some reason “women are less intelligent than men” strikes me as more offensive than some of the other stuff (not to say the other stuff isn’t horrible…). Quite possibly biases showing.

Carleyblue
Carleyblue
8 years ago

So, he thinks 90% of women are feminists? That explains a lot. Also, I thought they were all supposed to be ugly- but now he’s saying some of them are hot enough to have sex with?

And yes, I know I’ve had sex with a few guys who are less than virtuous. I don’t plan on doing it again, but I’m not going to spend my time worrying about it either. And I can usually spot a PUA-type from a mile away. They are irritating as hell. I never bring up gender politics, but they always do in some way: the last one lectured me on how women who study poetry just want to be dominated (lolwut). The best thing is to ignore them, I’ve found.

Dvärghundspossen
8 years ago

Regarding PUA… On the rare occasions when I do go out to some kind of club without Husband, it has happened a few times that some kid gets into conversation with me about my job and how incredibly interesting it must be, implying without saying it straight out that I must be terribly clever for having the job I have. Now, since I’m in a monogamous marriage there’s no such thing as efficient PUA techniques when it comes to me – BUT it’s not like I’m completely unmoved by this approach. I reckon it’s probably a fairly efficient strategy if you wanna get laid. Okay, might be hard to pull off if it turns out the girl/woman you’ve been checking out works at McDonalds… but perhaps not impossible (and you could obviously do the same routine about the subject she studies if she’s a student).

So I was thinking; if we assume that I’m not psychologically unique, why isn’t this a PUA trick taught? Ask about what she does and then discuss what she does and how interesting it is and imply that she’s gotta be this great person for doing what she does?

But of course, the obvious answer is that it’s not just about getting laid; it’s about WINNING THE GAME. And you can only do that by pushing people down rather than building them up, amiright?

Carleyblue
Carleyblue
8 years ago

And what about the 10% of women he doesn’t consider feminists? Most women who are truly anti-feminist are conservative and religious, and wouldn’t be having pre-marital sex anyway (but oh right, many MRAs consider ‘evangelical princesses’ to be sluts and/or feminists). Is he just talking about women who have misogynistic views and agree with him?, because they certainly do exist.

cheburashka
cheburashka
8 years ago

i kind of have to wonder how sick you have to be to fantasize about manipulating a woman into having sex with you and then taunting her about how pathetic you think everyone belonging to the same sex as her is. then again i underestimate the collective batshittery of the MRAs.

Carleyblue
Carleyblue
8 years ago

@Dvaerghundspossen (sorry I have no umlaut)

They think it doesn’t work because it implies the man is beta or below the woman he is trying to pick up, which girls secretly hate (apparently). He needs to show he’s alpha, which means putting her down while talking about how great he is.

With me, the best pick-up tactic is someone being honest. If I feel he’s flattering me falsely I am slightly turned off, and if he’s putting me down I am very turned off. If he’s nice but says when he dislikes something, that’s the best. Unfortunately, most young men around here go for the ‘puffing yourself up while putting her down’ strategy (usually just the second part). Any compliments I receive are related to my appearance, not my interests or occupation. As soon as I mention my occupation, most will counter with ‘well, I do [insert better thing here] or ‘that sounds boring’. A shame they can’t be themselves, really.

Shadow
Shadow
8 years ago

@Dvärghundspossen

But of course, the obvious answer is that it’s not just about getting laid; it’s about WINNING THE GAME. And you can only do that by pushing people down rather than building them up, amiright?

Their whole shtick is about making women so insecure that they’ll sleep with you just to get rid of that feeling. Which makes sense since their prey (as far as clients go) are overwhelmingly dudes that are completely unsuccesful in getting attention from conventionally attractive women and/or women they’re attracted to in general and are insecure and bitter because of it.

eline
eline
8 years ago

@Dvärghundspossen

I have wondered the same. I’ve read up on their techniques and I have to say, if a guy comes on me “negging” me I’m not gonna converse with them longer than to tell them to fuck off. If they press the matter the angrier I get. There’s some horribly aggressive “negs” recommended but even the milder ones get a bad reaction out of me. It’s not that I’m truly offended, I’m just pissed off that some asshole comes to spout those things when I’m having fun.

I assume if any of their tricks work they work on women who are already looking for a shag and thus open to approaches. These women might be looking for just a one night stand, just like the guys. A woman who has other things on her mind, such as having fun with her friends, isn’t going to be easily impressed or railroaded off her planned course of evening. Then there are vulnerable individuals, perhaps with mental problems who might be more susceptible, sadly (this counts as predatory abuse from the PUAs). My own practical experience suggests all of this, though it is of course limited and may not be everyone’s experience.

(I had something else in mind, but my thoughts got interrupted as i was rushing for the train. So this post may be incomplete.)

Historophilia
Historophilia
8 years ago

Eurgh, Heartiste’s writing makes me wants to scrub myself clean with bleach and wire wool.

I honestly can’t fathom why he has so much contempt for the women that he (allegedly) sleeps with.

It’s like, he hates women, and as well as hating them he views all women who have sex as “fallen” or something, or defiled and as being worth even less than “pure” women. And so he’s whole purpose in life is a to sleep with and “ruin” as many women as possible to justify hating them even more. And so he can say to himself “these women are dirty, whoreish slutty, sluts because they slept with me, ha! Look how right I am about women!”.

He is quite literally the vilest human being I have ever seen.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

What’s odd about their approach is that it seems to assume that the most conventionally attractive women will be the most insecure and thus the easiest to manipulate. Now, it’s not like women who are conventionally beautiful and insecure don’t exist – in fact, modelling as a career is almost guaranteed to chip away at the self esteem of even the most confident person in some ways – but in general that idea seems, um, just a LITTLE counterintuitive. And in my experience, going by what happened when I first started to see PUA approaches in bars and clubs, that assumption often results in the women quite openly laughing in the man’s face.

The group of women who I think are more likely than average to be insecure enough for that stuff to work on, though, are very young women, which I still think is the real reason that PUA targets them. In terms of looks there’s really not much difference on average between 25 year old women and 19 year old women, but in terms of self-confidence? The difference is often huge. So basically they’re taking advantage of the insecurity of adolescents and how easy it is for adults to bully them.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

There’s also the fact that some brain functions, like the ability to predict potential consequences and make decisions based on those predictions, don’t come fully online until at least the early twenties. They’re taking advantage of that too.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

@ Historophilia

Also, to get all internet psychologist for a women, you have to have a really low opinion of your own sexuality to think that contact with it “ruins” other people. Normally I feel sorry for people whose self-loathing is that deep, but not if they’re trying to self-medicate by hurting other people.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

For a moment, not for a women. Apparently I really need some coffee.

Historophilia
Historophilia
8 years ago

@Cassandra, definitely, it’s very much a toxic view of male sexuality.

I think it’s been said before on this thread, but it seems like the only thing he hates more than women is himself.

Also, it’s not clear if he ever intends to settle down some day, get married or have a long term relationship. But if he does, and he’s so used to viewing women he has sex with with such loathing and contempt then he’s going to struggle to sustain a healthy long term partnership.

Not that I hope he does have such a relationship, the idea of some poor woman married to this pathetic excuse for a human fills me with horror.

inurashii
inurashii
8 years ago

So the thing about Heartiste and other well-known PUAs is: I don’t doubt that they do get laid. I think it’s likely that they have a lot of drink-in-face experiences, but every once in a while they are going to run into a woman for whom this stuff works, or who doesn’t give a shit that she’s sleeping with a scumbag. It happens.

But all this going on about it? I think it’s because he’s trying to convince himself that he’s happy with it. He is clearly devoid of empathy, and therefore a piss-poor candidate to ever form a meaningful connection. So he has to tell himself, over and over, that he doesn’t want one. If he doesn’t, he might realize that it isn’t true.

Myoo
Myoo
8 years ago

I just have three things to say:

[…]whenever you sniff the approach of another feminist tirade carried along by the id winds, you will get the bang. She is, underneath her femcuntery, still a woman,[…]

That is not how the id works. I know Freud is full of crap, but supposedly the id is a person’s basest and most impulsive desires, which then get filtered by the subconscious. If feminism is a social thing and deep down she is “still a woman”, then the “feminist tirade” will not be “carried along by the id winds”. Seriously, if you’re going to use fancy words then at least use them properly.

[…]what you wind up with is a population of lickspittle lemmings[…]

Lickspittle? First Steele and now this jerk, what is it with this word?

[…]and her vagina will flower in spectacular opposition to the wilting of her mind.[…]

It takes a unique personality to turn “nobody with half a brain would fuck me” into bragging.

Creative Writing Student

If I had sex with Heartiste I would take up douchibg.

I think a combination of thin bleach and holy water would remove the desecrating taint from my genitalia.

Creative Writing Student

*douching

Historophilia
Historophilia
8 years ago

@Creative Writing Student

Followed by an exorcism 😛