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Feminists! Terrible news! “Heartiste” has been having sex with you!

There’s no good way to illustrate this post so here’s sleepy Maru in a box.

 

Lady feminists! I have some terrible, terrible news for you from pickup artiste Heartiste, the would-be God Emperor of Poon. Apparently he and his pals have been having sex with you all.

Heartiste lets us all in on this little secret in a post earlier this month titled “Lots Of Feminists Are Getting Banged Out By PUAs.” He explains that those dudes who “scavenge snatch” in upscale white neighborhoods in big American cities – what Heartiste in an attempt at humor likes to call Stuff White People Like Land (or SWPL-Land) – will by definition score with some of you feminist ladies.

This is because most girls in the big blue population sinks of SWPL-Land are feminists of one stripe or another. You can’t swing an Emperor Deluxe condom without hitting a feminist in the cooch if you live or operate within these zones of misandry.

Heartiste helpfully spells out for his readers some of the different kinds of feminists to be found in these misandry zones.

The first, the most extreme exponents of radical feminism are what one of his readers calls the “Jizzabel-type feminazi,” or what Heartiste himself calls “the femcunts.”

Yes, that’s right. Apparently the most radical of all feminist publications, the SCUM Manifesto for our internet era, is Jezebel.

Heartiste explains:

These are your Jizzebomb fanatics, the devotees of feminism as a life-affirming ideology. They are the smallest in number, but the loudest in bitchery and kookery. This is the kind of manjawed girl — typically a lawyer, academic, organic farmer or diversity consultant — who reads and comments daily at sites like Feministing and Slate/Salon/SuckMyClit with furrowed brow, regurgitating what she learns therein at parties and in the middle of dates, exposing a vile expectation that all the world should agree with where her retarded logic takes her.

Uh, I’m familiar with Feministing, and Slate and Salon, but I’m afraid I don’t have any idea about this mysterious “SuckMyClit” site he’s referring to. (There isn’t even a site up by that name, though enterprising publishers will be happy to learn that the domain name is for sale.)

Heartiste continues:

As long as you don’t embroil yourself in her occasional tantrums at invisible enemies, and keep the pick-up light and breezy while steering her in different conversational directions whenever you sniff the approach of another feminist tirade carried along by the id winds, you will get the bang. She is, underneath her femcuntery, still a woman, and as such (however much you may need reminding) she will respond viscerally to ancient cues of your mate worthiness, and her vagina will flower in spectacular opposition to the wilting of her mind.

Heartiste is an even worse writer of erotic fiction than E.L. James.

Oh, and here’s another little bit of shitthatneverhappened.txt. (TW for crude rape reference.)

You don’t want to stay with women like these beyond a few hate smashes, so for shits and giggles I suggest you regale her in the morning with your support of the Second Amendment and the ludicrousness of the equal pay myth. For bonus soul-shivving points, casually muse aloud, after you have sprayed her mug and she’s inserted her glazed face into your armpit nook, that 1 in 5 women who are being raped will orgasm during the act.

Yes, that’s right. Heartiste is publicly posting his fantasies about Jezebel-reading radical feminists rubbing semen (his own) into his armpits with their faces.

Next in Heartiste’s imaginary classification scheme come The Partisans.

These are the girls who occasionally read feminist blogs (usually when a fat femcunt friend passes along a link) and parrot the benumbing Cathedral crap they hear on TV and read in approved MSM papers. But these soapbox episodes are blessedly infrequent and pass unremarked, unless they manage to corral some dipshit manboob into acting as a sounding board for their cockamamy nonsense on white male privilege and socially constructed beauty standards (Hugs Shyster, Scrotumless Scalzi, I’m looking at you two distilled estrogen pools.)

Hey, a shoutout! Thanks, pal!

And finally, The Lemmings:

MOST women in the cities will have spent the better part of their sexually adventurous single girl years steeped in the platitudes of feminism, and they will know nothing else. Combined with women’s natural aversion to abstract thinking beyond immediate, selfish concerns, what you wind up with is a population of lickspittle lemmings who mindlessly nod in agreement every time a talking head exploiting this deficiency in the mental circuitry of half the voting public sonorously intones something about “equal pay for equal work”, or “war on women”. The Lemmings, by far the largest group of women you will likely encounter unless you live in South Dakota, include all types of girls, from club sluts to self-important HR robots to daddy’s princesses to deliriously frantic scenesters. Luckily for your sanity, these girls do not take feminism seriously … .

In the end, Heartiste tells his readers that “90% of your city’s women are feminist in name if not in execution.”

So they’re feminists, even though they’re not really feminists. Gotcha. With such an expansive definition, it’s no wonder Heartiste is convinced that a significant portion of the women he “bangs out” – whether in the real world or in his fevered imagination – are feminists of some sort.

He concludes:

Most hardcore feminists, whether or not they know it, are fucking men who either pretend to give a shit about their precious ideology, or don’t even bother with the pretense of pretending to give a shit about it. In fact, the majority of men, and an even bigger majority of players, are like me: they find feminism absurd on its face and will dismissively change the subject anytime the girls they are seeing make the mistake of veering into feminist bromide territory. Most girls are sensible and will know when their feminist retardation is turning off the men they like, and will quickly fall in line with the change of subject.

There are exceptions. A few supercharged feminists will eventually wind up with sycophantic manboobs for lovers, and a more perfect pairing I couldn’t imagine.

Aw. Another shoutout. It’s almost as if he has some sort of he-man heterosexual man crush on me.

 

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Jayem Griffin
7 years ago

So if all feminists are out banging slimy PUAs, then how can they also be man-hating lesbians? I haz a confused.

Happy Whale
7 years ago

The majority of men are like him? I’m going to need to see his research data for proof of that flaming pile of bullshit.

Joanna
7 years ago

SuckMyClit.com is too obvious. But if we changed it to SookMyclit.com it sort of looks like a name and could be like the secret conspiracy website he probably assumes feminists have.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

For a man who claims to be spending all his time chasing women’s bodies, he sure hates them as much as the personalities inhabiting them. He’s such a dropkick, it’s ridiculous – trotting out his pathetic rape fantasies.

He also seems to be under the impression that feminst = middle class white American women. Nope. Not only are not all American women of that demographic feminists, not all feminists are those women! Or women at all! There are feminists all around the world, having relationships of many kinds with all sorts of people! Who’da thunk?

dire sloth
dire sloth
7 years ago

so is it bad i dont even bother reading the red italic text in these posts anymore? i can normally sort of infer, and every time i try to read them i feel oily. heartistes writing always reads so disgustedly dismissive and vitriolic i dont think i could stand it even if i had no knowledge of or stake in the philosophies at play

katz
7 years ago

SuckMyClit.com is too obvious. But if we changed it to SookMyclit.com it sort of looks like a name and could be like the secret conspiracy website he probably assumes feminists have.</blockquote.

I was trying to figure out if it was one of those URLs that's innocuous if you parse it differently, like penisland.net and speedofart.com (both SFW).

katz
7 years ago

so is it bad i dont even bother reading the red italic text in these posts anymore?

Me too sometimes. Hell, I never read Abnoy’s posts either, which is why when I reply to him I’m always replying to something someone else quoted.

(Also, dammit blockquotes.)

dire sloth
dire sloth
7 years ago

@kitteh i think its sort of telling how hes so insecure about feminists he has to arbitrarily assign the title to people he doesnt like (naturally the same sort of people he fantasizes about fucking). i kinda wish most young women really were “steeped in the platitudes of feminism,” as he claims

also ive never heard dropkick used as an insult before. whered that start?

princessbonbon
princessbonbon
7 years ago

I do not think so Dire Sloth.

Tulgey Logger
Tulgey Logger
7 years ago

dire sloth—don’t worry: you are literally missing nothing. Heartiste has nothing of value to contribute to humanity. Just enjoy the Maru gifs, they’re pretty sweet.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

dire sloth and katz – yeah, I barely skim the red text either, it’s so contemptible.

Drop kick is an Oz term for someone who’s an idiot. Comes from football.

marc2020
marc2020
7 years ago

It is rather cute that he thinks that feminists talk about feminism all the time even when they’re out presumably to have a good time. I mean it’s such a caricature of what an idiot thinks a feminist is that despite the awfulness I can’ t help help but be just a little fascinated.

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

Roissy is way too obsessed with manjaws.

Serjeant Grumbles
Serjeant Grumbles
7 years ago

Go home, cat. You’re drunk.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

marc – in the unlikely event that any woman has such a lapse of judgement as to date Roissy, she’d soon figure out that talking about feminism would be a way to scare him off or at least piss him off. Do I believe he’s ever been to bed with a feminist? No, I don’t.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Who the fuck are you aiming that at, Grumbles?

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

You can’t even manage jokes properly.

thebewilderness
7 years ago

Criminy! He’s been cruising the mall vulching on high school girls again.

marc2020
marc2020
7 years ago

That’s what I’m saying kittehs this guy has such a blinding all consuming hatred for women that any woman feminist or not would see through it in minutes you just can’ t keep it a secret for long.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

He wouldn’t even know how, would he? His whole “technique” is bound up in showing his contempt. I wonder how many drinks he’s had thrown in his face if he actually tries this crap in real life? Not that he and his ilk are on speaking terms with real life, of course.

Yoyo
Yoyo
7 years ago

You are a lucky lucky boy David. Here I am sweltering in 38degrees but you receive the cooling breeze of heartists attention.

mxe354
7 years ago

The thought of having sex with a PUA makes me feel unclean. Honestly, I find them threatening simply because of their sheer hatred for my kind.

clairedammit
clairedammit
7 years ago

Notice that the feminists he’s had sex with are all hypothetical?

Hyacinth Wild
7 years ago

You know, I don’t think Roissy is writing for his usual target audience of fedora-wearing dickless wonders here. I think the intent behind this piece isn’t to reassure his fellow PUAs that they can still bang feminists, but to plant seeds of worry in the minds of any feminists who may be reading that perhaps we’re all unwittingly being bedded by men who secretly hate us. A rather transparent ploy, really.

Kim
Kim
7 years ago

It seems to have gone right over his head that sometimes women, feminist or no, sometimes bang guys they have no interest in getting to know, and that they will be the ones making the decision about it – not waiting around to be tricked into it.

So, I do believe he’s been to bed with feminists, if he could do an impression of a normal human being for long enough for them to think he’d be worth a tumble.

But he’s too blinded by his pussy cartel idea – that no woman ever has sex just for a bit of fun. Every single time, they are either tricked or calculating.

gelar
gelar
7 years ago

Every single time, they are either tricked or calculating.

I can’t tell if it’s sad that the source of pleasure he derives from all those scenarios seems like, “you should be ashamed to have had sex with me.”

2-D Man
2-D Man
7 years ago

I have a man-crush on Maru.

clairedammit
clairedammit
7 years ago

Gelar, I think it is sad for him. Somehow I just can’t bring myself to care.

MordsithJ
7 years ago

YOU GUYS! have you seen the latest Maru? HE’S WEARING A COAT.

katz
7 years ago

EEEEE Maru in a coat!

Off to have my second try at crepes suzette. Wish me luck!

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

D’AWWW Maru! On topic…no, fuck it, I’m ignoring PUA and focusing on the cat.

Shiraz
Shiraz
7 years ago

There are those who think some movies are so bad, they’re good. Well, that doesn’t apply to writing. I’m starting to think this guy is a Vogon for shit like this:

“…She is, underneath her femcuntery, still a woman, and as such (however much you may need reminding) she will respond viscerally to ancient cues of your mate worthiness, and her vagina will flower in spectacular opposition to the wilting of her mind.”

Translation, all females, even feminists, are typical women — and they will open their legs for any and all alphas.

Is someone paying him by the word?

Wait. Does he think he’s an alpha? Have I told you guys how much I hate the terms alpha and beta?

And yes, he’s sweet on David.

Kim
Kim
7 years ago

I wonder if Maru has been neutured, because Maru’s kittens would be worth a FORTUNE.

clairedammit
clairedammit
7 years ago

Good luck with the crepes suzette, katz!

Argenti, Maru is totally on topic. 1. He’s in the original post. 2. He’s a cat.

cloudiah
7 years ago

MARU!!! And good luck, katz! I don’t think I have the skills to attempt crepes.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

Good luck katz!

clairedamnit — these are both true, thank you for finding me a good excuse to ignore the existence of PUA. I’ve had 24 hours of stupidity, it calls for a cat (so, did y’all know that Hugo Fucking Schwyzer’s in this month’s Cosmo? Pervocracy has all the lovely details)

That, the dafuq moment on the other thread, a transhumanist last night, dragging my ass to meds!psych after a snow storm…yeah, Maru is adorable, and much appreciated.

…I think I’m going to watch Rotate Your Owl again, because owls

clairedammit
clairedammit
7 years ago

Crepes are fun, and if they fall apart when you try to roll them, you can just stack them in a casserole with the filling between layers, like a lasagna. They can also be made vegan with chickpea flour instead of eggs. I’ve never made crepes suzette though – I must try them someday.

clairedammit
clairedammit
7 years ago

If anyone is having trouble sleeping, here are some kitties who can help with that. (I don’t know why there is a tiny picture of PeeWee Herman’s dad in the corner of the video though.)

katz
7 years ago

Success! I lit the brandy on the first try and got it all poured on the crepes and then Doad blew it out and said “You probably shouldn’t use the glass plates for that.” XD

clairedammit
clairedammit
7 years ago

melody
7 years ago

*throws up*
Good god this dude……I can’t even…..

Ms Getta Lode
Ms Getta Lode
7 years ago

“Feminist bromide”? That is actually a tiny pearl of awesome in that torrent of shit.

Serjeant Grumbles
Serjeant Grumbles
7 years ago

@claire: That’s not cat spaghetti, that’s just a catpile, albeit a good one (the more cats, the better). Cats can’t form ‘spaghetti.’ They aren’t snakes.

clairedammit
clairedammit
7 years ago

Grumbles? I didn’t name the video. But thanks for explaining spaghetti to me! Now I won’t go to the grocery store tomorrow for ingredients for my bolognese and accidentally buy 9V batteries or something.

Kiwi girl
Kiwi girl
7 years ago

Are PUAs the only group that the description “those that can’t do, teach” is accurate?

I have visions of Barney from How I Met Your Mother every time PUA is mentioned.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

clairedamnit — should you accidentally acquire unneeded 9V batteries, they’re what my violin runs on 🙂 (weird, I know)

Also, kittehs are boneless according to my brother. That whole seeming to violate the laws of physics thing.

Serjeant Grumbles
Serjeant Grumbles
7 years ago

Well, claire, you gave no indication that you disagreed with the title.
http://i.imgur.com/51nBW.jpg

katz
7 years ago

Grumbles makes a strong early entry for “most useless post of 2013.”

Shiraz
Shiraz
7 years ago

*slow clap*

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