I ran across this remarkable painting, titled “The Irritating Gentleman,” on Sheltered and Safe From Sorrow, a blog devoted to Victorian mourning rituals and other creepiness from that period. The gentleman in question seems to be a Victorian era Pickup Artist in action. He’s even peacocking, Mystery style, with that bow tie and stupid hat and even a non-ironic handlebar moustache. Probably the only thing keeping him from wearing aviator goggles is the fact that airplanes haven’t yet been invented.
What makes it all the worse is that the PUA’s target is clearly in mourning. As the blogger behind rawr I’m a tumblr notes:
She’s wearing all black in 1874. Black gloves, hat, cloak, and dress. In public. The whole nine yards. That’s not a fashion choice or a gothic thing. Back then when people wore all black like that, they were in mourning for someone who died. No one did mourning like the Victorians, that shit was an art form to them.
Someone in her family has died—she could even be a young widow. No one’s accompanying her either. With the carpet bag? She’s traveling alone while still in deep mourning. Look at the closeup. She’s got tears in her eyes. She is upset, devastated in a way that one is only when someone has died. And the guy’s still bothering her, like her problems are flippant bullshit and she needs to just smile or pay attention to him because ladies are supposed to be pleasing for men no matter what shit they’re going through. That’s not a look of “what an ass.” That’s a look of devastation that even in her pain, she’s expected to give people like him focus. She’s not mad. She’s hurt. And to add insult to injury? Everyone would be able to tell. It was a clear sign and still is in ways that someone is mourning, to dress in black crepe like that. He would know why she’s wearing all black, and he’s still demanding her attention.
What an insufferable dick.
Yep.
I read the whole thing as pretty much based on medieval Europe, because that’s my background and reading (and I read these as a kid) and the idea of different cultures wasn’t at all in my head then.
Ged and most of the Archipelagans I’d probably think of as looking a bit like Native Americans. I think when Vetch comes into the story there’s a mention of his skin being typical of the South Reach, black-brown rather than red-brown.
That’s pretty much word-for-word how I remember it, yeah – and Native American was my thought. Certainly the cover of my copy (which I think the author may have had some input into?) has him looking quite Native American – and they do keep mentioning an aquiline nose.
I have the copy with that strange half-falcon figure on the front (way to have completely irrelevant scene). I could never quite shake the idea of Ged with hair much the same colour as his skin, from that. I liked those designs, though, especially the picture of Orm Embar on The Farthest Shore. Love the sheer size of Le Guin’s dragons. That moment when what Ged thought was a broken tower uncurls and is revealed to be part of the Dragon of Pendor … brrr.
*grin* I particularly like the fact that a Dragonlord is someone who can go and see a dragon and have a decent chance of coming back alive.
I spent the day with friends, one of them I was seeing for the first time since he was diagnosed with lymphoma and given a prediction of six months. It was pretty normal, except maybe a little more encouragement for him to eat, since the chemo is robbing his appetite, but we just talked about football and electronics and Doctor Who. I mean, he’s still him, and the only time we discussed the cancer was when he brought it up. In the car on the way home I started crying and couldn’t stop. My husband told me we can’t mourn him before he’s gone, but this is the first time in my adult life someone I cared about is going to die and he’s only 44 and it’s not fair.
Why am I telling you guys this? I don’t know, because you’re nice and I’m sad.
Shit, that’s awful. 🙁
I can see the idea behind not mourning before he’s gone, but the idea of all that time he probably won’t share with you is there just as much now as it is when someone dies.
Wish I could help make you feel better… Well, it’s 3am and I’m trying to make you feel better instead of sleeping, I hope the knowledge that people do that will help.
lumi – internet hugs if you want them!
I would respectfully disagree with your husband about not mourning someone until they’re gone. Mourning can certainly start when you know a person you care about is dying. I get it if he means it in a “seize the day” sense of focussing on them as alive while they’re here, but it’s not a feeling I see as something you can just ignore or squash or pretend isn’t there all the time.
Extra internet hugs if they’re welcome.
Ah, Lumi, the pain is tremendous. Hugs if you need them.
Ninjaed more eloquently by MorkaisChosen!
Lumi — to pull one from the ninth Doctor, I offer you the gift of Internet hugs, and Jameson’s (better than the gift of air from my lungs?)
I was going to join on the Earthsea love, but hugs to lumi instead.
Oh lumi, I’m so sorry to hear that. Internet hugs if you want them…
I think its perfectly fine that you’re upset over this. Learning that someone you love is about to die is a very difficult thing, especially when its someone you care about. Its normal to start grieving when you learn of the situation. Grieving has its own path and its own timetable. Is there maybe a grief counsellor you could speak to so you have the understanding and support you’ll need?
LOL, Mr SuperOtaku doesn’t understand the way men who aren’t complete tools respond to moe*. What a surprise.
*Not by making the girl cry more.
Thank you, everyone, I do like internet hugs. It’s weird, I knew about the diagnosis weeks ago but everyone is busy so we hadn’t met up before now and I guess that made it real even though he looks the same. And he’s (“A”) so calm about it, not in denial, but like going on with life and being happy. It’s kind of amazing. We were chatting about Doctor Who and he mentioned how he was looking forward to the next season starting this month, and then I said that it’s not until April and his face fell just a bit. But it’s hard to believe he might not see that.
My husband means well, he just doesn’t think we should act different around our friend A, which I don’t even have to try not to because he doesn’t really seem sick or anything. I’m very worried about the friend (“B”) who brought us all together, who was his roommate for three years and is trying to take care of him now, and who is going to hurt so bad, I hope not very soon. I think part of me feels I have to let it out now so I can be strong later for “B”.
@lumi, I am so sorry about your friend. It’s so hard. One of my closest friends* got the worst kind of brain tumor around about 10 years ago; she managed to last almost a year longer than the 3 months the doctors gave her, and during that whole time all of her friends kept visiting regularly knowing that she was dying sooner than we wanted and it was only a matter of when. (Same thing is true of all of us, right?) It was SO SO HARD, but we laughed so much with her during that time. She was so funny and brave. We mourned her before she died, and in a way I was glad to have the opportunity — when she died she did so knowing exactly how much her friends and family loved her and would miss her (even though she never let it get maudlin). She saw how we would be there for her husband and sons, and it meant a lot to her.
We also mourned her when she died, and ten years on, I still mourn her. And I am so glad to have had all of those times with her after the diagnosis, even though each time I cried for hours afterwards.
Sending you all kinds of hugs if you want them. Sorry this is so badly written, but I still get all sobby and teary when writing about her, but it’s in kind of a good way where I am mostly just glad I had the chance to know her at all.
* I knew she was my friend forever when she was trying to describe how she knew she’d made her boss mad by saying, “He looked like my dad did when I was 16 and I came home from a date with my boyfriend with my skirt on inside out.”
cloudiah, that wasn’t badly written at ALL.
And your friend’s line about her inside-out skirt was awesome.
I’m sorry I can’t think what else to say, I have no experience with grieving such a loss.
I hope that in the time you have remaining together good times are had by both of you and that serenity finds you quickly.
I’m now trying to work out if the fact that my brain suggested reading that as a starship finding people makes me a terrible person or not. I feel this likely depends on one’s feelings about Firefly…
@lumi
All the hugs you want. I think your husband is right as far as the ideal way to treat your friend and deal with the situation, but life is rarely ideal. The one piece of advice I would give about dealing with a protracted illness in a loved one is, surround yourself with the people that you lean on. We lost my gran about a year and a half ago to a protracted illness (and we had to pull the plug on her, which justs adds another layer of fuckery to an already fucked situation), and I decided to deal with it inwardly, which was about the worst idea I’ve ever come up with in my life. I hope the rest of his days are full of laughter and love, and that you get to enjoy the time you have with him.
@cloudiah, thank you for sharing that. You are lucky to have had such a friend, although you already knew that.
@cloudiah
All the hugs for you as well
Aw, Shadow, I have a huggy kitty nestled in the crook of my knee too, so yay for huggy animals! I watched that and am lobbing it over to lumi. SO MANY HUGS.
wordsp1nner: This isn’t strictly necessary–you could imagine a species where all gametes are capable of combining with each other to form a new individual, and that species would have sexual reproduction without sexes. I don’t know if any species like that exist, if they do, they aren’t that common.
It’s called zizzygy, and a number of single-celled organisms (e.g. bacteria, paramecia) engage in it, as a sometimething, and yeah, it’s not really gametes, they just do a blend and then recombination, but basically fits the model. It’s part of how antibiotic resistant bacteria happen.
lumi: Hugs. You can start to grieve now. You will grieve more later, and then it will be less, and it will never be gone. I’m sorry. It sucks, but it gets easier. A friend of mine had terminal diabetes. We knew it was going to kill him, and it did.
Shit… I’m losing my ability to speak well, because I’m going to be having a wake with a friend for him this week (he died last Passover/Easter, but this shouldn’t be about me) Celebrate his life, while he’s still alive. Mourn him when he goes, grieve when you need to, as you need to.
We’ll be here.
@pecunium: you get all the hugs back. Spasiba.